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When other family members call my DD ‘their girl’

(125 Posts)
BethH94 Mon 25-Feb-19 14:16:04

It might be extremely petty but I can’t help but get pissed off when other family members, on mine and DP’s side, call our DD ‘their girl’ 🤦🏻‍♀️ I really hate it, Can’t bring myself to actually tell people to stop it though!

Anyone else like this? Or AIBU?

PCohle Mon 25-Feb-19 14:18:05

I agree that this is really petty.

Would you prefer that they acted like your DD wasn't part of their family? She isn't a doll that you alone own, she is a member of a family and a wider community.

twinkletoedelephant Mon 25-Feb-19 14:20:44

My mum use to refer to dd as the family baby smile not so much the twins that came later

Dd is now nearly a teen, mum passed away 7 years ago, my sister still refers to dd as family baby, it makes her smile. She dosnt remember my mum but is very much aware of how much she was loved by her smile

MaryShelley1818 Mon 25-Feb-19 14:21:23

Why does that not make you happy?? Surely you want her to be loved by family? My mam calls my DS “my baby” it’s sweet and I’m grateful she adores him so much.
You sound strangely possessive.

ZaraW Mon 25-Feb-19 14:22:30

Seriously you are annoyed that family members are close to her. You are being incredibly unreasonable and petty.

MamaWeasel Mon 25-Feb-19 14:23:07

biscuit

BossAssBitch Mon 25-Feb-19 14:23:59

no 'might' about it, you are being extremely petty and odd.

Thurmanmurman Mon 25-Feb-19 14:25:56

YABU. Unless they are trying to take over parenting it’s just an affectionate term for your DD used by other family members who love her.

FleeceDetective Mon 25-Feb-19 14:26:18

A child isn’t a possession, and people don’t mean it in that way when they talk about being ‘my girl’ they are talking about kinship and shared love, nothing to get annoyed by.

Merryoldgoat Mon 25-Feb-19 14:26:55

My MIL calls my sons ‘[her] boys’ - I think it’s lovely.

She loves them and is an amazingly important figure in their lives.

I can’t imagine being pissed off aboir this.

LordPickle Mon 25-Feb-19 14:28:46

I get it OP. My DM calls my DS "her baby" and for some reason it really grates on my nerves. "Kiss my baby for me" etc 😐

I don't like it at all but I know it's petty so I just try to ignore it.

AuntieCJ Mon 25-Feb-19 14:29:14

You are being way oversensitive. Don't say anything for goodness sake, they'll think you're mad.

Sweetbabycheezits Mon 25-Feb-19 14:29:37

Good grief...this seems really petty, OP! My family only see my DC once a year (we live abroad). My mother calls my ds "my sweet boy"...and he's a strapping 13 year old!! He grins every time...it's lovely.

Wolfiefan Mon 25-Feb-19 14:29:52

Surely it’s a term of endearment?
PFB right?

dontknowwhattodo80 Mon 25-Feb-19 14:32:39

I think as another poster said, as long as they're not trying to take over in the parent role then it's ok.

We were at an activity the other day with both DS's , DH and my parents. My eldest was taking part in the activity and the instructor approached us, shook DS's hand then turned to me and said is he yours, which I said yes and shook his hand. He immediately walked away with DS when my dad piped up " well he's all of ours" . The instructor gave him a really funny look! It didn't overly bother me, my parents can be abit over bearing when it comes to my children, but I know their hearts are in the right place. I did think it was an odd thing to say in that scenerio though!

AguerosAngel Mon 25-Feb-19 14:33:41

DH’s family used to call DS “Our Baby”, we’re all Mancunian so pronounced “Are Baby”.

It made my teeth itch at the time but I let it go, he’s a teenager now so they call him by his name. Let it go OP, pick your battles!

Noneyerbuisness1234 Mon 25-Feb-19 14:34:58

I call my nephew/godson my wee son he’s the first grandchild and baby I’m pregnant myself with a son and I’ll continue to call him that when ds is born as I always have and he smiles when I do my sil dosnt mind and they’ll prob do the same with mine

soontobefour4 Mon 25-Feb-19 14:36:09

The only reason I can see anyone being annoyed by this is if there's a backstory. So, for example, I don't mind my MIL calling DS 'granny's boy' or 'my little boy' because she loves him to bits and will do anything for him. My mum calls him 'granny's little mate' in a tone that implies they have a unique and special relationship that only they have. The fact that she point blank refuses to visit us in our home, has cancelled on us at the last minute when she's offered to look after him for me to go to hospital appointments and refused to offer support when I was really struggling with him in the early stages has seemed to have slipped her mind. That's my issue though, not his, so I bite my tongue and try to let it wash over me.

Think you're being a bit precious OP, be grateful that she is obviously so adored that they all want a bit of her.

peachgreen Mon 25-Feb-19 14:36:47

How old is she? My mum calls my daughter "my baby" and it used to drive me bonkers but as she's got older I've got over it. Though it still drives me nuts when she talks about keeping her / kidnapping her / how we're terrible parents so she's just going to have to come and take her away etc etc.

BethH94 Mon 25-Feb-19 14:36:52

Oh don’t get me wrong the love they all have for her is amazing and I’m so grateful for it! I honestly don’t know why it annoys me when they refer to her as their girl.

LordPickle I’m glad I’m not the only one!

I’m not about too cause a fallout with them because of this just wanted other opinions

TildaTurnip Mon 25-Feb-19 14:38:16

Oh gosh reading this made me well up unexpectedly; my mum used to call mine her babies. I wish so much I could hear her say those words again.

It’s hard to know from your post if you’re being unreasonable as I can imagine it is how it is said that could make the difference but if meant in just in an affectionate, family tie way then I’d let it go.

BethH94 Mon 25-Feb-19 14:38:51

She’s 9 months, my first and only child.

Littlecaf Mon 25-Feb-19 14:40:08

It’s a slightly old fashioned term of endearment, yes? Like saying “our kid”. I sort of know what you mean but I’d let it go. DD probably won’t ever notice.

SleepingStandingUp Mon 25-Feb-19 14:47:44

See I think "our/my baby" is fine, because baby is a descriptive term but I'd find it weird if anyone other than DH and I called him our son I call my nephew/godson my wee son. Son is a descriptive title, it denotes relationship. If you were out somewhere and said oh this is my son Jack people would assume he you're his mother. You're not. I'm impressed you SIL is so chilled about it!

PengAly Mon 25-Feb-19 14:50:03

OP you are being precious, petty and very unreasonable to feel that way. Its a lovely way of them to show their love and your daughter is part of their family too. Its nice. Of all the things wrong in the world today and this bothers you confused

pigsDOfly Mon 25-Feb-19 14:51:00

Just try to accept this in the spirit in which it's meant and be pleased and happy.

My late ex MIL never said anything like that about my DCs and the expression on my, then teen, DD's face when MIL told her that some girl none of us, other than MIL had ever met, was the sunshine in her (MIL's) life, broke my heart.

FruitRiot Mon 25-Feb-19 14:51:00

It is petty but I really hate it too.
I just bite my tongue.

BertrandRussell Mon 25-Feb-19 14:53:28

My mum used to come through the door and call “Where’s my girl?” and dd used to come flying shouting “Here I am!!” It was lovely.

PengAly Mon 25-Feb-19 14:53:47

I'm guessing those that hate it are also of the "just OUR little family" camp? Maybe I'm just old fashioned but I really don't agree with those that feel parents and siblings stop being part of their family once they have a baby. The family just grows

ChocChocButtons Mon 25-Feb-19 14:54:25

I call the baby boy I nanny for “my boy” I don’t think he’s mine! I think he’s my little mate.

NewGrandad Mon 25-Feb-19 15:01:21

We had my grandson this weekend and I found myself calling him "Son". ie "You can't do that, son." He's not my son but I suppose it's a term of endearment. And at 9 months old it's not going to confuse him.

Magenta83 Mon 25-Feb-19 15:04:21

My French PIL will say regularly "my baby of mine" in French to my DS. It did used to annoy me especially as they were constantly asking to look after or hold DS. I know it was petty and I never said anything. My DS is so lucky to have grandparents like that.

chocatoo Mon 25-Feb-19 15:06:10

OP I know exactly what you mean! It irritates me too. I tell myself that they don't mean anything by it, it's just a way of expressing love...but it really grates on me.

thewreckofthehesperus Mon 25-Feb-19 15:08:00

You know you're being unreasonable. Your daughter is lucky she has so many people who love her. Try not to let it bother you and remember a girl only gets one mother and nothing can take away from that bond.

PengAly Mon 25-Feb-19 15:09:51

I'm not being goady, promise! I'd just really be interested in what it is about this people hate? Its not like a child is an "item" you can own... If you know that they do this out of love than what is bothering you so much about it? I highly doubt any family member are pretending your child is theirs

Noneyerbuisness1234 Mon 25-Feb-19 15:10:45

Sleepingstandingup
It’s said in context when I call to their house or when they come to me and it’s directed to the child and only the child when I’m out with him I would never say it like that as clearly he’s not my son he’s my nephew and I would say this is my nephew —-it’s how close r family’s r and yes sil is fine with it I’m the only one who they let mind the child and we’re best friends

Trumponerous Mon 25-Feb-19 15:11:18

I bloody loved it when my relatives called me "our Trumponerous", gave a lovely sense of belonging.

FudgeBrownie2019 Mon 25-Feb-19 15:11:46

My Mum texts me often and asks how "my boys" are doing (as in her boys, not mine). I don't mind it, in fact until this thread it hadn't occurred to me she meant it in an ownership kind of way. I know she adores the bones of them, though, and they think the sun shines from her backside, so I can't be miffed by it.

homegrownmumma Mon 25-Feb-19 15:14:40

I totally get it , very petty but very annoying !

Mine is always my mother in law that I don't get on with , she always refers to her son and my son as her boys , I must of missed when she gave birth to my son 😂🤔

TheFishInThePot Mon 25-Feb-19 15:23:40

That would bug me too. I totally get it.

BlueMerchant Mon 25-Feb-19 15:23:47

Imagine if you had no family around and it was just you and your daughter or worse still you could be part of a family who doesn't give a toss. I wouldn't mind ' their girl'.
I do understand being annoyed at the terms of endearment that suggest a special exclusive bond though. A grandparent of my children thinks she knows them better than us and that they understand them better than us. That's something to be peeved at!

AliceLiddel Mon 25-Feb-19 15:25:45

My MIL used to text things like "so proud of OUR girls, theyre so good" whenever I text over good news/certificates etc. Or "we are so lucky to have our girls". I found it odd at first but got used to it. Its nice she feels so close to them.

So that alone would not (and has not) bothered me.....But If they were overstepping and calling themselves mum or not handing the baby back when I asked or going against my childcare / safety / food choices (like some MILs you read about) then thats a different matter.

BertrandRussell Mon 25-Feb-19 15:30:43

“But If they were overstepping and calling themselves mum or not handing the baby back when I asked or going against my childcare / safety / food choices (like some MILs you read about) then thats a different matter.”

Well, yes. A completely different matter! hmm

AliceLiddel Mon 25-Feb-19 15:40:23

@BertrandRussell I wasnt sure if there was more of a backstory to it and we were going to be dripfed that they also take the child away from her etc.

chocatoo Mon 25-Feb-19 15:41:47

PengAly I find it irritating because I feel that it undermines the role of the mother. 'Our name' doesn't bother me, but 'My name' does. Possibly connected with the people who I have experienced saying it.

PengAly Mon 25-Feb-19 15:43:54

Ok, I mean I do think these days parents are getting more possessive over their children, which is sad as the result seems to be growing distance between family members such as grandparents and siblings.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Feb-19 15:48:16

This again. Honestly, just be glad they love your baby. It comes across as really peevish, not a nice trait.

Ashleighc01 Mon 25-Feb-19 15:51:33

I get pissed off with this too!!! And with pet names! My mum text yesterday saying 'how is my little bomper' - number 1, he's MINE. number 2, he's 6 weeks old and weighs 8lb 14oz... hardly a 'bomper'

I know it was said as a pet name and not meant any other way but still fuming lol

Crabbyandproudofit Mon 25-Feb-19 15:53:46

What's the expression? "It takes a village to raise a child."

Be glad that your DD has other people in her life who love and care for her and will take pride in everything she does. One day she may make you a grandmother and I'm sure you will feel the same about your DGC.

Cranky17 Mon 25-Feb-19 15:57:53

It’s 100% your issue, I wonder if you would feel the same if it was your mum. You should look within to see why you feel this way.

BertrandRussell Mon 25-Feb-19 15:58:08

I’ve just thought. When people complain about grandparents “pretending that they are the parents” is this what they mean sometimes? Calling their grandchildren “my girl”?

Hazlenutpie Mon 25-Feb-19 15:59:43

Your daughter is a very lucky girl. YABU.

JockTamsonsBairns Mon 25-Feb-19 16:00:52

Honestly op, I would do anything to be in your situation. I have three DC's, and neither set of grandparents can muster even the slightest passing interest in them. It's incredibly sad. I've never had a single offer of help, no days out or sleepovers etc. The DC's are 20, 11 and 9 now, so the ship has sailed in terms of them developing any sort of relationship.

SleepingStandingUp Mon 25-Feb-19 16:03:55

Noneyerbuisness1234 and ultimately that's the only thing that matters

timeisnotaline Mon 25-Feb-19 16:05:37

I think it’s lovely in general. It would annoy me but my mil is a bit take the baby and don’t hand them back, while I’m quite I don’t feel the need to put the baby down, plus she’s very my children and my wonderful sons babies which can piss me off as I don’t like to feel like a uterus to produce her sons children. Generally she’s lovely so it’s a bit me and a bit her, but her saying that would make me feel he’s your grandchild, he’s my baby. You had your 5, let me have my turn.

Pinkblanket Mon 25-Feb-19 16:06:17

I must admit I find the use of 'my' in this context irritating. So, for example fil saying 'where's my "child's name" ?' when he arrives at our house. She's not a possession or an object, nor does she belong exclusively to him. It seems the wrong word to use. I wouldn't ever mention it, but I don't have to like it.

PengAly Mon 25-Feb-19 16:06:43

he's MINE

He isnt a possession you know hmm suppose you wouldnt welcome any free childcare from your mother either then?

EyUpOurKid Mon 25-Feb-19 16:07:45

Yabu.

I call my dais 'Our kid' she's nearly 30. My son is 'Our baby' or 'the baby' (he's two, he'll be the baby till he's 40 probably). My family all call him 'my boy/Our baby' . It's a term of endearment.

VelvetPineapple Mon 25-Feb-19 16:08:15

Total strangers in the street call my DS “son”. It’s never occurred to me to mind.

Hillarious Mon 25-Feb-19 16:13:04

Ha, ha - It’s a slightly old fashioned term of endearment, yes? Like saying “our kid”. My aunt calls my dad "our kid", and he's 82!

ssd Mon 25-Feb-19 16:15:48

I think it's lovely your family call your baby my girl, it just sounds really affectionate

Hillarious Mon 25-Feb-19 16:16:06

I must admit I find the use of 'my' in this context irritating. Golly, Pinkblanket - don't come round ours! Everyone in the family has a possessive pronoun - my mum, your mum, our Alan, our Alan's Joyce (for someone not a blood relative).

happydays00 Mon 25-Feb-19 16:20:28

Urgh my MIL refers to my DD as "granny's girl", I find it incredibly annoying. But i just keep reminding myself it's a term of endearment and I would rather her be like that than aloof and dismissive of DD.

Pinkblanket Mon 25-Feb-19 16:21:29

Our or your were what my family used growing up (so if discussing people you knew, to distinguish if one was a family member you would use our for example), I think that's why I find the use of 'my' jarring.

As I said though, it's not something I would ever mention.

LilQueenie Mon 25-Feb-19 16:28:11

it depends . it used to really bother me when said by those who made no effort when given chance after chance to see dd. that and when they were overbearing and wanted DD for themselves.

BethH94 Mon 25-Feb-19 17:13:08

So glad a few of you agree with me, I do also understand everyone else’s opinions as well. I’ll just keep doing what I have been and smile and keep my mouth shut ☺️

Seline Mon 25-Feb-19 17:19:47

I hate people doing this too YANBU.

Seline Mon 25-Feb-19 17:24:12

As for why it's annoying. I carried the child and gave birth to them. No one else.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Feb-19 17:31:06

As for why it's annoying. I carried the child and gave birth to them. No one else

And how does that change anything? Are you insecure or something? Nobody actually means that it’s their girl confused it’s just a term of affection. Saying that I wouldn’t use it, don’t want to offend anyone and all that.

BertrandRussell Mon 25-Feb-19 17:44:24

People are so incredibly so possessive about their babies.

Children belong in families.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep Mon 25-Feb-19 17:44:59

I often call my DGC 'my precious girl' or 'my precious boy'. I don't mean that I think they're mine, but that they're precious to me. X

LL83 Mon 25-Feb-19 17:45:30

I like it when grandparents are close. I call my niece and nephew mine too, they are very close to me.
Do you have nieces and nephews?

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Feb-19 17:46:01

I agree Bert. It’s a good thing. As long as it’s not some deranged MIL or DM doing it of course.

Firsttimemumofdd Mon 25-Feb-19 18:00:01

To be honest the more opinions I’m reading the more I’m realising how petty it sounds🙈 my dd is the only grandchild on both our sides so I guess I should of expected all grandparents to be totally head over heals with her.

LL83 no I have no nieces or nephews

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Feb-19 18:05:44

Firsttimemumofdd are you the OP? confused

Seline Mon 25-Feb-19 19:24:36

Great because they aren't their children.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Feb-19 19:43:51

Do you think they don’t know that? They’re just being loving to a child in their family. Better than not caring don’t you think?

maddiemookins16mum Mon 25-Feb-19 19:49:32

My MIL (who I adore btw) has called my DD ‘my lovely girl’ since the day she was born. She loves her so much. I think it’s brilliant. Actually my MIL sometimes calls me ‘my clever lass’ when I’ve done things too.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Feb-19 19:56:52

Sounds like a lovely relationship Maddie.

namechange01Z Mon 25-Feb-19 19:58:47

i used to be like this when my dd was little. My husband became ill in 2014 and now im pleased she has a wider family unit and has people interested and looking out for her.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 25-Feb-19 20:00:11

You’re being weird OP. It’s quite sad really, you don’t like this relationship your family have with your dd.

bobstersmum Mon 25-Feb-19 20:00:15

I have read this a few times and I can't fathom what is annoying to you about it.

Livelovebehappy Mon 25-Feb-19 20:01:56

Absolutely bizarre!!

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Feb-19 20:02:11

I wonder if it annoys those who don’t have a good relationship with their PILs?

BertrandRussell Mon 25-Feb-19 20:06:56

Just checked with ds and he says he’s always loved it when his grandma calls him “Our Patrick”. He’s 18!

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney Mon 25-Feb-19 20:07:16

My parents sometimes accidentally refer to themselves and "mummy" or "daddy" when talking to my daughter 😂 doesn't bother me. Its just a slip of the tongue because they love her. It's no different to my mum accidentally calling me the dogs name (which also happens a lot 🙄)

alwaysreadthelabel Mon 25-Feb-19 20:11:44

It takes a village and all that.

VU in my eyes. It's just a loving turn of phrase.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Mon 25-Feb-19 20:14:43

I get this one. ExMIL always refers to my dds as ‘her’ girls and it really used to grate on me.

Truth be told it was symptomatic of the way she treated me- as inferior and nothing I did was right as it wasn’t ‘her’ way. Think organising a second christening celebration because mine wasn’t good enough, cutting their hair, dressing them in outfits because I’d sent them to hers and they were too scruffy 🙄 you get the idea.

Ended up snapping and told the cow that if she wanted to run a child’s life then she could feck off and have another one of her own because these babies cake out of me.

Do you have a good relationship? If you don’t- I get it. If you do, then it’s just a term of endearment and love.

Can see both sides of the argument.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Mon 25-Feb-19 20:15:21

*came

EmeraldShamrock Mon 25-Feb-19 20:19:39

You're over thinking it. MIL has always called DD her special girl, my own DM calls DD her number 10 girl. She was the 10th girl born from my mother 3 daughter's, 7 granddaughters, my DD loves it and doesn't feel like a number. grin

TheRollingCrone Mon 25-Feb-19 20:23:31

You sound like hard work Tbh.

RaffertyFair Mon 25-Feb-19 20:24:02

But family relationships can all be described in terms of possession e.g. my sister, my son, your cousin etc.

If you are happy that Mil can refer to your dd as my granddaughter why is it such a big deal for her to say my girl. I honestly honestly don't understand.

FrozenMargarita17 Mon 25-Feb-19 20:24:22

I get it OP. My mum introduces my daughter as 'here's my bubba!!' And I say 'Yes, that's me!' Drives me up the wall !

goose1964 Mon 25-Feb-19 20:25:19

I always call my grandsons my, because they are mine, just in a different way. My youngest often gets called my little monkey by both me and his mum and she's fine a about it. In fact she loves the fact we're so close.

Singlenotsingle Mon 25-Feb-19 20:26:27

I call my dgs 'my favourite boy' and he loves it. No one has objected so far.

starzig Mon 25-Feb-19 20:28:19

I say how's my girl all the time for my niece. Don't mean I'm keeping her.

Biancadelrioisback Mon 25-Feb-19 20:30:00

My MIL always has to jump in if I refer to DS as "my baby" or similar and tell me that he's her baby too. I just laugh and correct her to grandbaby. I didn't at first but it started sounding rather possessive. She loves DS like her own but it's like she's reliving young parenthood. She has tried to do some of DSs 'firsts' but fortunately FIL and SIL are very aware of this and remind her to ask us. I do worry a bit about her MH as she does almost forget he isn't hers and it seems to shock her when someone points this out.

Thatsalovelycuppatea Mon 25-Feb-19 20:34:15

It's not petty. I find it annoying too. Especially when it's in laws. No it's my child and she is mine.

Stickerrocks Mon 25-Feb-19 20:36:07

I would love to hear my Grampy call me "me maid" in a broad Cornish accent, just one more time. It's twenty five years since I lost him. I doubt if my parents were jealous of a pet name.

RaffertyFair Mon 25-Feb-19 20:38:15

No it's my child and she is mine

To me that sounds so oddly defensive and possessive.

If anyone behaved in a way that was overstepping the mark or undermining my parenting I would deal with that. But simply objecting to family using the word my is strange.

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