AIBU? MIL rant(23 Posts)
I have been with my OH for 13 years, we have been friends since I was 10, in that time we have been through alot together, 8 miscarriages, 2 babies, post natal depression, an ongoing eating disorder, my partner having depression, being students, one emergency birth, three deaths a parent and two grandparents, 10 operations, 1 near death experience, my relationship with my mother imploding, a non existent relationship with my father and the rebuilding of that relationship. Through all of this we have managed to stay together because no matter what we have each other's backs.
Over the past 13 years since we became more than just friends there has been that one little annoying niggling thing that tries to break me at each and every turn his MOTHER! Now up until we had our first this is something that I could deal with I could blank it out she was nothing more than an annoying interference that I didn't actually have to have any reliance on however that all changed during the course of my first actual pregnancy with DS1 during this time I got the constant input from mil know all - how her pregnancies went, how her first child grew up, how she breast fed and I should too (turns out actually no I couldn't) this just made me feel small and unworthy, how she worked right up until birth of all children, how she went back to work 12 weeks after, how her house was always clean the list goes on.
After the birth of my first this progressively got worse we had to live with her for a few days after leaving the hospital as OH had painted and we didn't want to take new DS home to house smelling of paint, on first night their she took my new son out of the room myself and partner were sharing and in to her room without my knowledge or asking I woke up in a panic about where he was after that first night I choose to go to my mum's. Then when we went home she dropped in every day to pass comment on the cleanness of the house, what I was cooking for her son (he does half the cooking), when DS1 was going through that terrible 2 phase she insisted that I should be smacking him and would then smack him as i don not believe in hitting a child, she insists on going with me to the shops and walking about after me telling me that I should not buy this or that as too expensive or don't buy it i have in my house do you really need Milk? with Ds2 things got worse with it being an emergency birth I was in a bad way when I got out of hospital so she literally just took over dropped in unannounced one day and stayed for about 4 weeks yes this helped but I didn't actually need it, she passed comments on my weight apparently you should lose all baby weight right after birth then when ever she seen me would tell me that after birth of my partner she was back in a size 10 after 6 weeks, she started dropping by more often so I started leaving house every time she dropped by and taking kids with me, she passed and still does pass comments on my family members and ignores my mother and sisters completely or she talks them down to my children telling them that their other grandparents don't love them their other Granny is fat and lazy or that her house is a mess, she refers to them as her children even though she is a grandparent not a parent, she goes out of her way to undermine the rules we have for the kids buying them toys, sweets clothes we have said no to she will buy them anyway, she walks about charity shops look for "New clothes for HER boys", she brings stuff that her other son's and their wife's have been planning on throwing out up to my house on Christmas day i got a lamp which she had brought from her oldest sons house because she told his wife i had seen it and asked for it when she was throwing it out haven't been in her house in four years had never seen this lamp before it was forced on me, one day in local shops while I was with her i met an old friend i hadn't seen in years who she had never met before and she proceeded tell her all about the hystorectomy I had just before Christmas due to complications something which I have chosen not to tell people is something she just decides everyone should know I actually wanted to cry, she picked up kids from school on Tuesday afternoon last week and takes them out however this week my son misplaced his 4th jacket and she decided that she would take over punishment on him then as she was leaving school she met my sister who had not seen my kids in a while gave both a hug so she proceeded to lecture her on how she should not be doing that as DS2 was in trouble when in actual fact if left up to her my son would have been shouted at by alot of people before he actually got any consequences from his actual parents for losing his jacket. When I confronted her about this and said that there was no reason for this and that I did not feel it was right that every single person in his family should give son in trouble she informed me that well she did and that if that was the case she just wouldn't give him on to trouble at all and that I was just defending my sister. Then proceeded to have a temper tantrum adequate of a two year old in the middle of a coffee shop. I have discussed this with my partner as she is his mother however he can't/ won't do anything and I'm getting to the point where I want to tell her she is no longer welcome anywhere near me or my children.
Tell her to piss of.
Your partner should be managing her but it doesn’t sound like he will so you’ll
Have to do it.
Ywnbu to dig a new patio and chuck her under it.
Back away. She knows far too much about your family.
My mil didn't even have mobile phone number!
Why are you allowing this?
Your dp won't correct your mil's behaviour so it's up to you.
I had a mil like this but as soon as dc was born I put in firm boundless and negotiate on nothing. Sounds harsh but if you give people like your mil a little wiggle room they push and push.
I have been here.
You and your dp are entitled to parent your/ his way not her way.
Prepare for tantrums and fireworks. But the relief when you are free is incredible.
I had one of those. Just sour. And exhausting.
You need to learn to say no! No, you don’t want to meet for lunch, no you are busy this afternoon and so on. It took me ages.
Don’t answer her calls, see her only when your dh is there. Change the locks if she has a key. Don’t give her air time.
It is time to put your foot down. Or the older she gets, the more miserable she will make life.
I had one of those - you need your DH to support you.
I finally gave up and went NC by myself - turns out my DH was telling me one story and my MIL another - when push came to shove he chose my MIL and he now lives with her - I seem to have ended up NC with him too.
We have already spoken to her several times both myself and my OH separately and together. I have also spoken to SIL who says she did the same thing with her and she told her to back the f##k off as she basically took over with her first and was turning up at random points and taking over with her oldest my MIL claims to have raised him. SIL 2 just wont even be in the same room as her anymore as she tells everyone her business as well. It's just getting too much the now it's making me really angry and for as much as I love my OH I am considering divorcing him just so I don't have to be any where near this crazy old B.
Seriously love you need to channel your inner banshee and scream "Get ooouuuutttt of myyyyyyy house you evil fucking bitch", you should have actually done it years ago, you have been a doormat, your dh has been a spineless twat but now its effecting the kids I would grow a back bone and fuck her out of my house. I bet it would feel amazing too and if your husband had an issue after you ran through all you have done here then he could fuck off with her.
I think you have a few options here.
You can deal with it yourself by cutting contact off with her, or shutting her down every time she opens her mouth, or by any other of a dozen ways to deal with bullies. If she brings old lamps etc to your home, laugh confidently and say 'God no, you'll have to take that with you when you leave, we haven't got time to be taking sil's old rubbish to the tip'. If she questions your grocery shopping, raise an eyebrow, give her a hard stare and tell her that if she can't behave herself, she'll have to go and wait outside. If she smacks your child again,
rip her head off tell her she cannot be trusted to have unsupervised access. And stick to it.
Or you can talk to your partner and tell him that you and your dc come first, before anyone else and if he doesn't deal with his mother and her behaviour then he'll be dealing with the breakdown of your relationship and the loss of your respect for him. And stick to it.
The only other options I can see are that you either carry on as you are or you kill her
with a shovel & bury her under the patio with kindness, tell her what she wants to hear and then do exactly what you were planning on doing. I can't see that either of these options are sustainable long term though.
She sounds horrific OP. Did you say in your post that she actually smacked your son? That would be the end of it for me. You need to step away from her. x
Think you need to go NC. Dont take her calls, dont let her pick up your DCs, don't answer the door.
You need a break as it sounds like you're at breaking point
My MIL is horrific too, i have gone low contact and it has helped somewhat.
It's taken years of gently pointing out to DH that her behaviour is not normal, he can now see some of that now, but is still very much in the FOG.
So, to protect my sanity, i rarely see her and when i do have to, i work very hard on my boundaries and consider her a challenge sent to try me.
I certainly wouldn't be allowing her to smack my children - that would immediately result in a ban in her seeing them for a considerable period of time, and then no unsupervised contact at all.
I never allowed my mil to have unsupervised contact after a particularly bad episode (leaving them unattended when she went out).
Put that woman in her place. She is god fucking awful.
Perhaps you can't change your husband. Perhaps you don't want to. But you can change you.
Don't leave her with your children. I'm afraid she would never pick up the children from school again. Putting in boundaries means doing everything yourselves when there is one party who doesn't know where the line is. Change your locks. Don't invite her to your home. Leave if she arrives uninvited. When she comments on your shopping tell her to mind her own business. Frustrate her at every attempt to control your lives.
Plan to go away long before special events come up. Make yourself unavailable. Do not tell her anything about your life. Unleash hell on your husband when he breaks your trust.
She doesn't care about how you feel, so don't worry about her. She is spoiling your motherhood with your young children.
Honestly, what is wrong with these women?
Does anyone ever wonder. Am I going to change into a weird controlling interfering stranger with no life of my own in 20 years time?
just do what you want to do put as much space as you can between her and you, your sil managed it, so can you, By sounds of it though I have some sympathy for your OH I doubt he could handle it even if he tried. Shes not adding anything positive to your life or your kids lives who says someone is in trouble and cant have a hug and a kiss. So do as you say , don't give her the time of day, you don't have to have a blazing row you just stop engaging with her,
Anyone who smacked my children wouldn't set foot in my home ever again. Ever. They'd be lucky not to find my boot up their arse, too.
Ban her from your home, write her out of your lives. You don't have to be in her life, nor she in yours. Let your DH choose which side of the shitshow he'd like to be on and leave him be; if he is too gutless to stand up to her, let him go back to her. But never, never let her near enough to your DC for her to lay a finger on them again, please.
Smacking your child
Calling your mother names
Putting you down
Time to throw a tantrum yourself but gracefully.
Treat her as you would a child who constantly challenges your authority and do not rely on her for any childcare at all until she has learned to behave.
Thank you for coming round but we are going out.
No you are not invited.
We will do this our way, thanks
Your comment was unhelpful and hurtful did you realise that?
NEVER speak about my parents like that again.
NEVER raise your hand to my child again.
You have to stand up to her and call her out every time. She will throw a strop but keep on.
If you can't behave then you are not welcome
If you have nothing nice to say then please don't say anything
Oh do be quiet.
Eventually she may get the message...
OP what are you so frightened of? Upsetting her? Nah cos she as sure as eggs are eggs is not the slightest bit concerned about your feelings in any way shape or form.You have stood back and let her abuse you,your children and your parents...what is it going to take for you to sort it out?How much more damage are you going to allow her to inflict on you? Please dont think I am having a go at you I am really not I just want you to see what it is..its abuse and control...don't let her screw you or your kids up anymore.Enough is enough ..call it what it is and stop this abuse ...she is neither wanted or welcome in your life or that of your children...Get shut of her and if your OH will not support you then its tough he has to go too because he is then guilty of allowing you and his children to be abused .....You will be so much happier saying goodbye to her cos its the right thing to do to protect yourself and your children,,,Do it Do it now do it today and start to make your life happier...Please if not for yourself do it for your kids.
Never put yourself in a situation where you are reliant on her, or cannot get away from her.
That means, if you go to her, you drive so you can decide to leave.
If you go out to meet her or with her, again, you drive, you are then in charge over leaving.
Never let there be a situation where you cannot physically leave.
Secondly, call her out, calmly but clearly, every single time she says or does or attempts to do something awful.
If she always gets called out OR you simply don't tolerate her behaviour and leave, she will stop doing it to you, because you will no longer be reinforcing that behaviour in her.
There's the rest of the shite like the way she talks about and treats you and family which is also truly bad but smacking your child - no. And that business over the lost jacket? Sounds like she enjoys inflicting emotional pain as well as physical pain. She sounds like a nightmare you need to wake up from and shut out forever.
Just to clarify when she smacked my DS1 she was not allowed to be alone with him for more than a year after. She never since and never will again use violence to stop my childrens behaviour. It never has and never will be accepted in my house.
Is SIL2 happier now that she doesn't spend time with MIL? I bet she is.
Be like SIL2
Go as low contact as possible. Don't tell her private things. Tell your DH that he mustn't either
Give her a bollocking every time she disrespects you or someone you love
Don't let her be alone with your DC
Let your DH know how close to divorce the situation is making you.
This is absolutely what my ex mil was on her way to being when ds1 was born
To the point I warned her she ever lay a hand in my DC it would be the last time she saw them
It crept up an she comments and the behaviours continued and Exdh was useless
Eventually I read some advice that made it clear I needed to be Head bitch in charge so to speak if it was going to stop and the next time she tried something I actually stopped everything and royally told her off , this was my family and my rules (Exdh as well but he had already lost the right to say anything as he'd let her take over when I was in hospital ill) I massively out her in her place
I was not polite (I didn't swear and wasn't nasty but I was crystal crystal clear ...no apologising no niceties) ...she was put firmly behind the line and I and ds1 didn't see her for months
She apologised seemed to learn her lesson and asked to meet
She lasted ten minutes before she tried to walk off with him and told me not to be a silly girl and she knew better
I took ds1 and walked away...she didn't meet ds2 after birth
When Exdh and I split we discussed what had led to it and I told him after how weak he had been with his mother in my most vulnerable time and that I felt he had let her run the show and prioritised her feeling a over us I had lost all respect for him and found I had started to think less of him
Eventually with other things it killed my love for him because I just saw him as weak and pathetic that he couldn't stand up to her
So OP stand up now because she will not stop (and the simpering people who tell you she's faaaammmmily and should be respected are not the ones who this horrible woman takes over with or treats like rubbish)
Too long and you will start looking at your dh with disdain
Don't let her take that away from you ,I made that mistake and it was a good amount of effect to causing the end of my marriage
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