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To just walk away today ?

(55 Posts)
doordie Mon 25-Feb-19 12:57:08

I've been a full time carer of a family member for years.
I can't do it anymore
There's nobody else who will help me
Aibu to ring s/s right now and say no I'm done.
Does that make me a bitch?

Charas96 Mon 25-Feb-19 12:58:35

Take some time out for YOU and put YOU first

bloodywhitecat Mon 25-Feb-19 12:58:43

Call them. Everyone has a break point and it sounds like you have reached yours.

Divgirl2 Mon 25-Feb-19 12:58:59

Nope, not a bitch. Sometimes the sacrifices we make for others are at too much of a cost to ourselves.

Don't run yourself in to a ground because you feel obligated. Ring S/S, don't let them guilt you. flowers

MrsWillGardner Mon 25-Feb-19 13:00:20

No you’re not unreasonable. Do it and get the help you both need.

doordie Mon 25-Feb-19 13:03:42

I've been at breaking point for a while now.
My mental health is a mess because of it all.
Will they make me stay till they can come out for an assessment?

MrsSpenserGregson Mon 25-Feb-19 13:06:26

They can't make you stay love. Caring for a family member (I'm assuming it's not your aged-under-18 child?) is not a legal obligation.

IvanaPee Mon 25-Feb-19 13:08:04

Have you posted about this before, OP?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Mon 25-Feb-19 13:08:21

Are you the lady caring for Granddad and your aunt is abroad ?

Sweetheart, you've been at breaking point for months now.

SleepingStandingUp Mon 25-Feb-19 13:08:38

You need to be really clear with them that you will be leaving in say 30 minutes (if person cannot be alone) or right n ow (if they can be left alone) and that you WILL go.

Is the person you care for able to understand that you'll be leaving and why?

flitwit99 Mon 25-Feb-19 13:18:02

So long as you let someone know you are leaving then you are not a bitch and you can do no more. You have done so much already. Look after yourself

MrsExpo Mon 25-Feb-19 13:32:39

Are you lady who posted before? Doesn't the family member have a son or other relative nearby who won't step up? (Sorry if you're not the person).

Not a bitch at all. Let SS or some other relative know you're at the end and walk away for your own good. Good luck. Please look after yourself. Sending flowers.

Purplecatshopaholic Mon 25-Feb-19 13:46:14

Oh you poor thing, you sound at breaking point. You are not a bitch, you are a very caring person who needs a break. Phone the appropriate authorities, say you are going, and do so. They will let you continue caring for as long as you decide to do so, much cheaper for them. I hope you are ok

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub Mon 25-Feb-19 14:00:13

I work in adult social care, here's what happens in my area.

Call from carer saying they've reached their limit, this will trigger an urgent call for assessment by the rapid care team, their aim is within the hour. They will assess exactly what care is required and any referrals to other services (health,telecare, pendant service etc) and will immediately create a care plan stating what is required and how this care looks. Some people will be taken into immediate respite (care home), this may or may not be funded by the patient. This is all dependant on care needs and they can usually be met at home.

If the care is sustainable by a standard care package, then a referral will be made to that area team, they will be assigned a social worker and the care will be put in asap by the local agency, in the meantime, the local authority will provide the care.

At no time at all would any member of the family or support network be judged, quite the opposite in fact. It is extremely common for carer breakdown to happen and is the direct reason for some hospital admissions for the carer as they have literally burnt themselves out.

DO NOT feel guilty, DO NOT feel that there is no support for you both. Ring social services and explain the situation, they are there to help.

BalthazarsAThirstyBitch Mon 25-Feb-19 14:10:02

If you’re the lady who keeps posting please please please get away! You’re young enough to live a full life for yourself. Get far away, get better and look after yourself for once x

doordie Mon 25-Feb-19 14:11:02

@TheFirstRuleOfFightClub Thankyou so much for that,it actually made me cry that you took the time to write all of that.
What happens if I don't leave today but say I want the next step to be a care home.
How long till this happens?

anniehm Mon 25-Feb-19 14:15:57

Call adult social services and say you are all breaking point and you will be leaving at midday tomorrow - there's always emergency respite and caring packages that can be used but won't necessarily be offered until you walk away (giving 24 hours means they can sort something starting tomorrow). If you don't have power of attorney you cannot make your relative agree to accept outside help but by calling social services you have ensured they are safe and can be signposted help.

I actually threatened to drop Nanna off at the social workers office at one point when they dragged their feet, wish we had demanded immediate help sooner

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub Mon 25-Feb-19 14:28:43

Doordie Be completely honest with them, tell them that you are at breaking point, they will start the ball rolling. If it isn't urgent then they will make an appointment to come and speak to you. A social worker will take all the information you give them and will create a support plan, the is will detail all their needs, personal care, meals, medication, commode, pad changes, creams etc. If there are medical professionals involved then their skin care regime or any other relevant information will also be included.

It is actually quite hard to get someone placed in a home if they are not self funding, they will be trying to look at how to keep them at home with a suitable package of care. Make sure you are heard throughout this assessment, critical information always comes from main carers. Your family member should now be allocated a named social worker, ring them with any issues you have, and I mean you MUST ring them. I would actually get their email address and email them as a back up to any telephone conversations. This process can take take anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks depending on the services in your area.

They will also do a financial check somewhere along the line so having statements etc. handy will save you time, this won't hold up the process though.

If you want to know anything more, I am always nipping on, usually at night (Just on a couple of days off today and tomorrow) or pm me.

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub Mon 25-Feb-19 14:31:33

If you can get any medical professionals to back up the care home application, all the better. Can you liaise with their GP or district nurses if they are involved at all?

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub Mon 25-Feb-19 14:34:45

Are there any carer support services available where you are? Ask the social worker or give Age UK a ring. It can sometimes help to sit down and have a brew/rant/cry with someone in exactly the same boat, and there are LOADS of people in the same situation, trust me I see them everyday.

doordie Mon 25-Feb-19 14:55:19

It was actually the GP who mentioned at nearly 97 they were shocked still living alone at home.

doordie Mon 25-Feb-19 14:56:18

My aunt in Australia actually has her bank books etc
Also she has her insurance documents too

doordie Mon 25-Feb-19 14:56:56

I keep breaking down and crying it's ridiculous I'm just totally drained now.

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub Mon 25-Feb-19 15:02:10

Doordie Give them a ring now, they should come out today and help with the care. If you're not up to it, they can also liaise with the GP. You need to think of yourself too, how can you even think straight if you're exhausted. Please Doordie, give them a ring.

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub Mon 25-Feb-19 15:03:16

Well the financials can be sorted out later, right now we need to get you and them sorted. x

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