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Boyfriend asked me to exercise

(247 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 09:36:08

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. This weekend just gone he suggested I do some squats. It started out jokingly and then he brought up the squats again then he suggested lunges as “surely you can cope with lunges?” - he then looked at me very seriously.

I’m currently an Australian size 8 and I’m 57kg. I’m short but I’m in the healthy BMI range.

The history of this is I’ve been very unwell lately and doctors and specialists are trying to work out what is wrong with me.

I’m too tired to exercise and I’m often sick and taking a lot of painkillers.

I’m thinking that he isn’t happy with my body, even though I’ve seen pictures of his ex-wife and she looks to be a size 16.

The only comment he makes about my body is that he loves my tits (yes, he says tits).

Is this a red flag or am I oversensitive to this? I am very insecure about my weight and his comments have bothered me.

HopeMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 27-Feb-19 12:51:30

Hi there,
We've written to SecretProfile to explain why in more detail, but just to tell everyone on the thread that we are going to close this as we don't feel that it's helping anyone at this stage.

PlinkPlink Wed 27-Feb-19 10:55:23

Alright @Tennesseewhiskey I missed the last half of the thread. My app isn't very good at showing full threads... or rather my connection sucks.

Just a swift "Fuck off" will do then. Anyone who makes comments like that to someone with an ED lacks sensitivity and care. Being around someone like that can be damaging to your mental wellbeing OP.
Time to find someone nicer perhaps?

TooLittleSleep Wed 27-Feb-19 10:24:54

OP, please be kind to yourself. As so many PPs have said, it is really hard to tell if there are red flags in your BFs behaviour as an ED shifts everything. I had an ED for many years when I was young and my BF, friends and family genuinely didn’t know what to say or do as I was so obsessed with my weight and appearance that I misinterpreted both comments/compliments and lack of them.

You said that you do not want therapy about your childhood (completely understandable if so), but have you considered cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT)? When you have an eating disorder, I believe there are actual changes in the brain and it is easy to get stuck in certain behaviours. For some people (like me) it helped to change the behaviours through CBT. You can still be slim (am about size 10, above average height in my forties after multiple children) but it will be through a general healthy living. I am only mentioning this because I used to believe like you that it was a binary choice of either continue focus a lot of appearance or completely let myself go. That is not true. An ED can rob you of your life in that it takes so much energy to focus on your appearance when you really could get on with living (studies, job, BF, friends and travel or whatever you like). Please OP, I think many here are worried about you, as am I because I recognise some of your thinking patterns from a time in my life when I was deeply unhappy. Maybe just take the small step of googling CBT to see if it could be something for you? Big Hug

Wedgiecar58 Wed 27-Feb-19 09:51:17

@SecretProfile I don't know if your response was sarcastic or not, but best of luck to you

woollyheart Tue 26-Feb-19 20:23:06

She said she was too tired to exercise.

She also said 'My doctor has not told me to exercise'

So her doctor hasn't told her that she needs to exercise. But her doctor hasn't banned exercise either.

Tennesseewhiskey Tue 26-Feb-19 20:07:50

but another pp said that her bf might have suggested lunges and squats so she could do something in the home, if she couldn't manage walking.

I said that but didn't mention her not being able to walk. Not sure if some else did.

It's odd the op is planning a hike when medical advice is not to exercise and she says she is following it.

I think the ops thoughts are so disordered she doesnt really understand much of what's being said here. She has, several times said she doesnt have a stomach, but she does.

I hope she gets help.

Motoko Tue 26-Feb-19 19:10:24

She didn't, but another pp said that her bf might have suggested lunges and squats so she could do something in the home, if she couldn't manage walking.

But you make a good point, OP said she'd go on a hike, so he obviously didn't suggest those for that reason.

Weetabixandshreddies Tue 26-Feb-19 18:46:00

If OP can't manage walking, she's not going to be able to do squats and lunges!

Where does the OP say that she can't manage walking? Apologies if I've missed it. The last I saw she said she was arranging a hike for the weekend.

SaturdayNext Tue 26-Feb-19 18:41:38

I have private health insurance - I paid a large gap. It’s not necessary to have any pre-surgery counselling as long as you have money.

Only if you are dealing with a surgeon prepared to ignore your mental and physical health and wellbeing, and basic professional ethics.

bethy15 Tue 26-Feb-19 18:24:56

Thank you @passing4human

I was never intending to pick on the OP and in no way would want her to put the weight back on. I'm a little bemused that it was taking as picking on her and 'nasty' and like those who are jealous of her weight loss.
It's just a simple fact that the weight can come back on, as I have seen IRL. I'm not wishing it on her. But she is wrong to think that the op can fix everything.

As you said, I think it's a bit disturbing to read it all.

Passing4Human Tue 26-Feb-19 17:57:12

Given the masterclass in acting and lying about her ED that the OP must have performed to get an unscrupulous surgeon to perform that surgery on her stomach, there is no way of knowing what or why or even IF the BF said what he said. In ten pages of this thread, full of supportive posts and advice, the only thing the OP has picked up on at all is that she thinks Bethy15 is picking on her by suggesting the possibility of putting on weight after the surgery. Bethy wasn't, but the OP can't see past the suggestion of it in Bethy's first post.

The OP genuinely thinks that she's "solved" her ED by having 80% of her stomach removed: "I had an eating disorder. I chose to spend thousands of dollars having bariatric surgery so that I could have this sorted out once and for all."

It is deeply disturbing to read.

mentallyfacked Tue 26-Feb-19 17:20:45

Motoko, 100% agree her condition makes her more likely to attract an abuser.

However, BF said this because they share food. It could easily be in a jokey "more for me" way.

He may only just be starting to notice her eating disorder further along in the relationship.

When I had my issues I had a mystery illness aswell, I used it to excuse the weightloss and to cover the need to vomit all the time.

I also used strong medication to suppress my appetite/ induce nausea/vomiting.

I am definitely not saying this is what the OP is doing, it's more to show the level of deception I would go to, so I could protect myself from having to address my issues.

Op has no issues being unable to walk away, she done it to her best friend for mentioning her weight (the she called me fat thing I am doubtful of after seeing ops interpretation of other posters points)

On a final note completely agree she needs to be out of the relationship, she needs to focus on herself.

Tennesseewhiskey Tue 26-Feb-19 17:09:44

Exactly, so people should be telling her that, not telling her she's wrong about her bf.

No one has she is definitely wrong. They have said there is a chance she is wrong AND that she shouldn't be in a relationship until she is well.

Tennesseewhiskey Tue 26-Feb-19 17:08:43

A squat isn't that strenuous for everyone. One squat.

And we don't know his intentions. What we do know is that op cant communicate with people without relating to her body and weight.

His intention could have been shitty or it could have been, worry that she is extremely weak and thinking about building muscle and helping her get stronger.

The point is that no one knows and given the fact that the OP sees everyone as picking on her body, it's more likely that's what she interpreted here.

And she isn't going to leave him anyway.

Mominatrix Tue 26-Feb-19 17:07:17

I completely agree.

Motoko Tue 26-Feb-19 17:04:34

the only thing we agree on is that the OP should not be in a relationship now and should concentrate on healing herself. She will never have a normal romantic partnership with anyone unless she loves herself.

Exactly, so people should be telling her that, not telling her she's wrong about her bf.

Motoko Tue 26-Feb-19 17:01:59

As someone who can't walk outside the house (I use a wheelchair when out), I know I couldn't do squats and lunges. But gentle walking could be done around the house/garden, and stairs are good too. You don't start exercise by going straight in to something as strenuous as what he's suggested, ill or not.

The OP might be spot on with her summing up of the bf or she might be misinterpreting his intentions. Who knows?

Well, people seem to be assuming she's completely wrong, and telling her that what he's saying is ok. She could take it on board, and end up staying in a relationship that's increasingly abusive, but ignore her feelings that something's not right, because people on MN said he wasn't being abusive.

She's not ready for a relationship.

Mominatrix Tue 26-Feb-19 16:55:31

Motoko, the only thing we agree on is that the OP should not be in a relationship now and should concentrate on healing herself. She will never have a normal romantic partnership with anyone unless she loves herself.

Motoko Tue 26-Feb-19 16:49:34

If OP can't manage walking, she's not going to be able to do squats and lunges!

What about that he told her he likes that she doesn't eat much? He knows she's got an ED, that's a very dangerous thing to say.

Yes, she might be seeing things in a skewed way, but it's dangerous to just dismiss what could be red flags. Abusers make a beeline for vulnerable women.

She's only 5 months into this relationship and is obviously unhappy in it. She should leave him, and concentrate on her health.

Weetabixandshreddies Tue 26-Feb-19 16:42:05

Motoko
I'd quite to like to know how the conversation arose then, if there was nothing that led the bf to suggest doing squats and lunges.

Also, if your partner, or someone you care about, is currently undergoing tests for her illness, and is on lots of strong painkillers, but it's still in serious pain, would you really suggest they do lunges and squats?

Again, with the proviso that I don't know the OPs condition and we aren't all the same, I do have a serious illness. I am having tests. I go to the hospital at least once a week (3 times this week). I am taking lots of strong pain killers and am in serious pain. I still do squats and lunges, so no, I wouldn't immediately condemn a partner who suggested this without knowing more information.

The OP might be spot on with her summing up of the bf or she might be misinterpreting his intentions. Who knows?

The fact remains that if she isn't happy or simply doesn't want to exercise then she should do what she wants to do.

Tennesseewhiskey Tue 26-Feb-19 16:41:51

Motoko have you read the thread?

PlinkPlink I would suggest you read the thread. The OP has serious eating disorder and is not happy with the way she is by a long shot.

PlinkPlink Tue 26-Feb-19 16:37:09

A swift "Fuck off I'm happy with the way I am thanks" should sort that out quickly and put him back in his box 🤨

Mominatrix Tue 26-Feb-19 16:29:08

Motoko, I'd be very wary of taking the OP's account of the story as gospel - she is filtering events through her illness.

I can understand why he would have suggested lunges and squats - in his eyes they can be done at home, without complicated equipment, and can build strength. Swimming and walking, particularly in someone with a severe enough B12 deficiency are much more problematic.

B12 deficiency results in neurological symptoms like gait instability, parasthesias, skin changes, diarrhoea, mental status changes, pallor, weakness and fatigue. Bizarre that someone would risk a high chance of developing this unnecessarily!

Motoko Tue 26-Feb-19 16:10:10

OP said there was no conversation that lead to her bf suggesting the squats and lunges.

Also, if your partner, or someone you care about, is currently undergoing tests for her illness, and is on lots of strong painkillers, but it's still in serious pain, would you really suggest they do lunges and squats?

You wouldn't suggest gentle walking? Or swimming?

OP what was your previous thread about, that lead to people telling you he was gaslighting you?

bethy15 Tue 26-Feb-19 16:05:59

*But yes, your comments and your nastiness are not entirely new to me.

Please tell me one more time how I’ll get fat again*

I think you are seeing nastiness where there is none. I am not telling you you will get fat again, I am correcting your misconception and your false statement that it's impossible for you to ever get fat again and therefore your issues with food do not need to be addressed.

People can put weight back on after this surgery. They just do, it's everywhere if you care to look it up. I am not saying this is you, but when you don't address the issue, then it can be.

I am not being mean to you, nor am I in any way jealous of you. I am slim myself without having to go through major surgery or never be able to eat or gain nourishment through my food due to extreme surgery.

You yourself are quite mean towards those of us who are slim without surgery, saying we must starve ourselves or exercise excessively. Well, we don't. I can just control what I eat without going to either extreme.

You seem to think the world is jealous and mean to you due to your size or something. Truly, I would get over yourself a little bit here.

I don't wish for you to put any weight on, so there's no need for your attitude towards me.

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