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Boyfriend asked me to exercise

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SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 09:36:08

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. This weekend just gone he suggested I do some squats. It started out jokingly and then he brought up the squats again then he suggested lunges as “surely you can cope with lunges?” - he then looked at me very seriously.

I’m currently an Australian size 8 and I’m 57kg. I’m short but I’m in the healthy BMI range.

The history of this is I’ve been very unwell lately and doctors and specialists are trying to work out what is wrong with me.

I’m too tired to exercise and I’m often sick and taking a lot of painkillers.

I’m thinking that he isn’t happy with my body, even though I’ve seen pictures of his ex-wife and she looks to be a size 16.

The only comment he makes about my body is that he loves my tits (yes, he says tits).

Is this a red flag or am I oversensitive to this? I am very insecure about my weight and his comments have bothered me.

BackforGood Mon 25-Feb-19 19:32:56

The more you post, the clearer it has become that this isn't about him.
You need to learn to love yourself.
whether that is some sort of counselling or therapy or something else, I don't know. But it doesn't mater what someone says if you aren't comfortable 'being you' then you are going to take it the wrong way.
You are clearly not well
Oh, and plenty of people are slim without starving themselves - once again, your mind is not in the right place.
Please get yourself some help and support.

Gronky Mon 25-Feb-19 19:38:15

Perhaps, rather than presuming the worst about his comments, you could discuss why he thinks you should exercise? I was very taken aback when someone in my office suggested I take up running as working out seemed unthinkable with the state I was in at the time (poor sleep, constant daytime exhaustion) but, when I asked for an explanation, it turned out they thought it might help. In the event, it absolutely did.

Muddysnowdrop Mon 25-Feb-19 19:43:49

You need to forget about the relationship and get a better relationship with yourself. How you didn’t think your eating disorder was relevant to your OP I can’t imagine. You are viewing everything through a distorted lens.

hickerydickerydockmouse Mon 25-Feb-19 21:58:04

Can be many reasons other than not liking your body. Mine tells me to exercise as I am always tired and he says that he knows from experience that if I exercise I will get more energy and feel less tired. May be yours himself likes to exercise and wants to do it with you.

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 03:04:22

@YogaWannabe a gastric sleeve removes 80% or more of the stomach. Bear in mind the stomach stretches when you eat food. I have just a tube left (I’ve seen a picture of it after the sleeve was done - it’s a thin tube).

malificent7 Tue 26-Feb-19 03:49:23

He didn't say he was unhappy with your body...did he? Not liking the word tits though!

malificent7 Tue 26-Feb-19 03:50:11

People suggest exercise for all sorts of reasons.

malificent7 Tue 26-Feb-19 03:53:11

So he suggests that you guys go for a hike ( nice, perfectly normal idea) and according to mn you are being mind fucked.
Face/ palm. I think mn likes to see ladies single tbh.

penisbeakers Tue 26-Feb-19 04:05:12

Tell him to fuck off.

PatriciaHolm Tue 26-Feb-19 04:08:36

I don't think you are in a good place to have a relationship at all right now.

From what you've said, it's impossible to say what his intentions are, because you are over analysing any and all comments about your health and appearance. You have serious eating and self image issues that you are not seeking help for. He could be trying, in a slightly uninformed and hapless way, to help; he could be being a complete and intentional arse. From what you've said, we can't tell.

either way, you are not in a good place for a relationship.

Tennesseewhiskey Tue 26-Feb-19 05:35:51

Its impossible to tell what's happening here because your thoughts are so disordered.

My dp suggested I exercised more. Because he knows it's for mental health, he knows how stressed I am, knows I want to lose weight and take no time for myself. His suggestion was that he looked after my son for a hour a couple of time a week and I went for a walk with my best friend, or the gym, or walked the dog. Not because he thinks theres a problem with my weight.

If your boyfriend can see you getting weaker and more unhappy, he may need concerned.

To the comment about eating small amount of food. You said he complemented that when you were out sharing food. It's possible that was 'i like you don't eat alot, leave more for me' type joke.

The compliments about what you wear your make up etc, maybe because he is scared to compliment your body. Because of your eating disorder. He genuinely may think he is doing the best thing.

He could also be a dick. But when you are so far gone into an eating disorder that you still think its normal, to put on weight so you can have your stomach removed, it's hard for a partner to do the right thing. Everything could be viewed as a put down. People with eating disorders can and do see any compliment in a negative light.

Either way, I think you need help and that you aren't in the right head space for a relationship.

I cant help wonder what is so wrong that a doctor has said even gentle exercise shouldn't be attempted. I am assuming the mystery illness is related to your eating disorder or malnutrition related. Have the recommended that you don't exercise, because of the chance you would over do it? Plenty of people who have had eating disorders, then begin eating but obsessively exercising instead.

You are in bad shape physically and mentally. You need some help and I don't think you boyfriend can provide it

ballsdeep Tue 26-Feb-19 06:07:27

Op if you don't mind me asking, why did you have a gastric band when you are so small anyway?

cauliflowersqueeze Tue 26-Feb-19 06:14:50

I think you know in your heart that his intentions aren’t supportive or positive for you.

What are you going to do?

SaturdayNext Tue 26-Feb-19 06:27:23

I'm quite horrified that you've gone as far as abusing your body in order to get your stomach removed. I rather agree that your boyfriend may be trying to help you in terms of building up your muscle strength. Did you have therapy before having this surgery?

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 06:45:38

I never said I had a gastric band.

Nanna50 Tue 26-Feb-19 07:07:11

Are your complications from bariatric surgery and did you lose much weight? As with any major surgery recovery can be slow but if you are not absorbing all of your vitamins you will feel worse. Do you have follow up with your gastric surgeon?

I think it’s hard to know on whether YABU about your DB comments as you come across as self absorbed, which would influence the context of the conversation.

Therapy should be part of the pathway to surgery, as others have mentioned perhaps your priority should be to address your relationship with yourself?

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 26-Feb-19 07:11:52

Unless you ask him straight we’d be guessing into oblivion. If you lost so much weight maybe your skin is loose and he thinks exercise is the way to tone it up?
He doesn't sound supportive so either have avchat with him and bin if he doesn’t change his approach to you or if you’ve had enough - just bin. No great loss there.

Weetabixandshreddies Tue 26-Feb-19 07:22:17

Aw what a sweetie! The op is so ill they need to take constant painkillers and under go tests, obviously some ‘gentle coxing’ into working out is exactly what the OP needs right now!

This is me right now. Very unwell and take enough tablets to make me rattle, including tramadol and pregabalin for pain.

I exercise 3 times a week and do physio every day. I have to to maintain my strength and to help my pain.

Every hospital appointment I go to they emphasise this.

I often feel unwell and would love to just take bed but my husband encourages me to exercise and comes with me to the gym because he knows that I need to and that once I am there I will feel better.

Can't comment on the OP because we don't know what her illness is, or could be, and there is no context to these comments. Just a couple of suggestions for exercise or a request to do yoga or go for a walk together doesn't sound terrible on the surface.

Is he really into exercise and fitness OP? If so, have you known this from the outset? Could it be that your interests are just completely different?

I'm not sure that I'm really following your comments about body parts and compliments tbh and as for the looking tired comments I get this all the time from people at work etc. Usually on the odd day when I don't actually feel tired. I don't really take much notice, I certainly don't dwell on it. It might just be his way of showing concern or I suppose it could be him trying to bring you down. It's very difficult to tell from the few comments you mention.

Frankly, if you don't want to do the exercise why don't you just say so and then guage his reaction?

GreenEggsHamandChips Tue 26-Feb-19 07:31:04

I havent read sll the thread but i wanted to Add

I have a daughter who badly needs to build some strength. She knackered an awful lot and goes to bed early. There no magic pill the doctor can give her, she exhausted because she is deconditioned. There is no nice way to say it and its my bloody job to nag her. All i can do us give her opportunity and encouragement. I cant imagine what it would be like if i had the same problem with a partner. I do thibk what he's saying could come from a good place

LovingLola Tue 26-Feb-19 07:33:02

Am I reading correctly that you deliberately overate to the extent that you would qualify for bariatric surgery? And had most of your stomach removed?

LunafortJest Tue 26-Feb-19 07:37:26

It sounds to me like the reason you are so unwell is because your eating disorder. You're perhaps not getting enough nutrients, are malnourished and are probably lacking in potassium. Also bingeing/starving effs up your electrolytes and body chemistry. If you get your eating disorder under control my bet is that most of your health problems would disappear.

SofaSurfer20 Tue 26-Feb-19 07:40:12

Seriously tell him to jog on x

Lovemusic33 Tue 26-Feb-19 07:42:46

I don’t think he means your fat, I think he’s just encouraging you to exercise, at no point has he said your fat or he isn’t happy with your body, maybe he thinks exercise will improve your illness? I’m one of those people who believes what you put into your body and what you do with your body is what makes you healthy (gentle exercise and good food) maybe he’s thinking the same? I exercise most days at the gym and I see people with disabilities and older people with health issues exercising, a lot of them do stretches, squats and lunges in some shape and form, it also helps with mental health, maybe he thinks some form of exercise will help?

GottaGoGottaGo Tue 26-Feb-19 07:46:30

The more you drip-feed things, the more I think that you do need professional help. You are obsessed with your size and your body. You have mentioned that you bought the smallest thing in the shop and needed it altering, you talk about having had your eyebrows "professionally tidied and tinted", you talk about spending a fortune on clothes.

Unless I have misunderstood - you also deliberately put on weight so you would qualify for bariatric surgery?! I assume that is the "organ removal" surgery you are currently recovering from and very ill from? Which is very different from the scenario you were insinuating. I was assuming your "organ removal" was a kidney or lung... It wasn't, it was a voluntary choice, (as you put it) to have your stomach removed. That is not normal, that kind of thinking needs help.

I'll be totally honest, I don't think your boyfriend can ever win with any conversation. It is unfortunate wording that he says he likes your "tits", but to say he doesn't compliment you on anything else is wrong isn't it? In a later post you said he says you have beautiful eyes. What else has he said that you have conveniently forgotten to tell us? Also, I know my husband loves my body but he doesn't say, "Hey, your elbows are looking lovely today!".

I think you should split up, for both your sakes and speak to someone who can help you through your body issues

extrastrongnosugar Tue 26-Feb-19 07:49:05

red flag!! this is gonna get so much worse!

but how about you ask him to make more money? Surely he could earn 1 or 2k more!

downcasteyes Tue 26-Feb-19 07:49:09

FFS, this winds me up.

"This is me right now. Very unwell and take enough tablets to make me rattle, including tramadol and pregabalin for pain. I exercise 3 times a week and do physio every day. I have to to maintain my strength and to help my pain. Every hospital appointment I go to they emphasise this."

OK, let's go back to basics. Can you see the difference between these two things.

1. You are ill. Your doctors advise you to exercise. Exercise helps you.
2. The OP is ill. The doctors have advised her not to exercise. Exercise does not help her.

For crying out loud can we PLEASE stop running each other down on the assumption that our own life and choices are a patternbook for everybody else, in whatever situation. People are DIFFERENT. Situations are DIFFERENT. What is right for one person is wrong for another.

OP: I think this crosses a red line. One thing that is really important in any longterm relationship is a sense that the person will be there. supportively, in the event of serious illness. Instead of being concerned with your health and wellbeing, he's telling you to think about toning your thighs. Tell him to jog on!

Nanna50 Tue 26-Feb-19 07:50:47

@LovingLola: Am I reading correctly that you deliberately overate to the extent that you would qualify for bariatric surgery? And had most of your stomach removed?

This is the way I read it which is why I asked about therapy before surgery, it suggests some far deeper issues than whether a DB suggests exercise. (IMO)

zingally Tue 26-Feb-19 08:06:15

He sounds like a bit of a jerk, but I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt, if this is the first time it's come up.

If he says something again, launch on his ass with something like "it makes me feel really bad and uncomfortable when you try and pressure me into doing something I don't want to do and imply that there's something I need to change about my body. It makes me not want to be around you. Can we please agree that you won't say stuff like that any more, going forward? Thanks!"

Weetabixandshreddies Tue 26-Feb-19 08:07:49


No, if you read the OPs post she clarifies that the dr has not said that she can't exercise.

cordeliavorkosigan Tue 26-Feb-19 08:10:22

OK you might have issues or whatever but based on what you have actually said here about what he is saying to you, he sound toxic and you should leave. It's none of his business whether you get your nails done or eyebrows; most men don't care about that stuff and to me it smacks of him thinking of your appearance as reflecting on him, or of him having some right to judge you (and other women, 5/10 entry level etc - total bullshit and toxic).
And if you have an eating disorder, what kind of irresponsible ass keeps on picking at / negging / judging your appearance like you're in a contest and like your appearance is what you are and what you're worth? It's not. You're a person, not a walking image for him to peruse and judge. And commenting that he likes how you don't eat? This all seems like he is pushing your buttons, getting under your skin in a really insidious way, trying to damage your self-esteem, and you are already vulnerable in these areas! If he loved you as a person he would be building you up, appreciating you as a person, and not picking at you to dwell on your appearance.
I think you should leave him.

Weetabixandshreddies Tue 26-Feb-19 08:10:44


And my comment, as you can see before you took my post out of context, was in reply to someone saying that being ill and on medication means that you should not exercise.

I am not saying that the OP should exercise. What I was saying is that being unwell and on medication does not automatically mean don't exercise, which is what a previous poster had said.

downcasteyes Tue 26-Feb-19 08:11:18

OK, well let's amend it:

1. You are ill. Your doctors advise you to exercise. Exercise helps you.
2. The OP is ill. The doctors have not advised her to exercise. Exercise does not help her.

It is really important to recognise that some people can be genuinely too ill to exercise.

cordeliavorkosigan Tue 26-Feb-19 08:12:40

And only 5 months!! he should be very physically attracted to you and still in the honeymoon phase, not undermining you and getting you to seek his approval for all these minutiae. I bet you're gorgeous. But you don't have to be - it's no one else's business but yours what you look like.

downcasteyes Tue 26-Feb-19 08:12:59

I hate the way that some women assume that the fact that they are able to do something that someone else cannot do is a reflection of their superior virtue, not the fact that the other person is in a worse way. Just stop it.

Kneehigim Tue 26-Feb-19 08:14:51

I would see nothing offensive about this. Apart from having to get up off my arse (which I don't like, unless I've initiated it).

I get enthusiastic about exercise too and have submitted an ex to push ups lol. It's just done in fun and competitivity.

Weetabixandshreddies Tue 26-Feb-19 08:16:38

How about we amend it to what I actually said. This is the post that I quoted

Aw what a sweetie! The op is so ill they need to take constant painkillers and under go tests, obviously some ‘gentle coxing’ into working out is exactly what the OP needs right now!

This is what I said about me

This is me right now. Very unwell and take enough tablets to make me rattle, including tramadol and pregabalin for pain.

I exercise 3 times a week and do physio every day. I have to to maintain my strength and to help my pain.

And this is what I said about the OP

Can't comment on the OP because we don't know what her illness is, or could be, and there is no context to these comments.

How is any of that different to what you are saying?

I'm saying just because you are ill it doesn't automatically mean don't exercise. This is what I do, but I don't know what your condition is so can't comment on what you can do.

WhoKnewBeefStew Tue 26-Feb-19 08:19:54

You do what’s best for you OP. At the moment the most important thing is to get well, and take your doctors advice. If your BF is nothing but mega supportive then tell him to fuck off. You’re dealing
With enough right now, without adding to its with a shitty partner.

Weetabixandshreddies Tue 26-Feb-19 08:20:37

I hate the way that some women assume that the fact that they are able to do something that someone else cannot do is a reflection of their superior virtue, not the fact that the other person is in a worse way. Just stop it.
And I hate how some women assume that because I do something that they don't that it must be easy for me, that my body isn't screaming in pain every second of every day and that I am living the dream.

I am not being virtuous. I am correcting an assumption that being ill and in pain automatically prohibits exercise. It may do but not always.

So how about you stop judging others?

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 08:21:35


Yes, that is correct.

I lost weight through diet and decided I didn’t want to diet any more. So I deliberately overate to make sure I qualified for the surgery.

Private insurance and I paid a massive gap payment.

OftenHangry Tue 26-Feb-19 08:21:39

I have a feeling many of you never dealt with someone with eating disorder. Sadly it is really often the case, as I said before, that no matter what you say, it's wrong.
The disorted way people can see themselves distorts the way people understand what others are saying.

I do agree with pp that OP doesn't need relationship now, but needs to work on learning to love herself and get a professional help to repair that disorted image of herself.

Muddysnowdrop Tue 26-Feb-19 08:22:08

Do you view your operation as being a success OP? It must be a major life change.

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 08:23:18


I can’t exercise. I’m not outing myself by explaining my medical condition, but it is significant. I can’t actually exercise.

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 08:26:26


I take stronger drugs than those you’ve identified.

Muddysnowdrop Tue 26-Feb-19 08:26:48

So have you not been able to explain this condition that prevents exercise to your bf? I mean, you don’t have to out yourself to us but presumably you are free to explain it to him! Then if he ignores this good reason and asks you to exercise you will know he’s not a good bet.

downcasteyes Tue 26-Feb-19 08:32:19

Sorry weetabix - I am probably being oversensitive and seeing 'competitive illnessing' where it was never intended. I'm really sorry you're in such pain and suffering so much.

I was really ill in my early 30s with a very common, very simple illness that many women experience, and which is easily treatable - fibroids, leading to heavy bleeding. However, I experienced an absolute battle to get treatment from GPs, resulting in literally dozens of trips back to the surgery over a period of 2 years, during which I progressively worsened to the point that I went from not being able to run fast because of slight anaemia, to bleeding like a geyser every single day and being unable to go downstairs in my house because I couldn't get back up again, and eventually having quite serious (though fortunately temporary) heart problems because my iron levels were so low. I had to give up my job, my social life, everything. It completely flattened my confidence and really set me back in my career.

When women asked me what was wrong, many said things like 'Oh, I've had that, it was nothing' or 'I bled a lot during the birth of my daughter, and needed a blood transfusion' or 'I managed to run a marathon with fibroids'. Instead of thinking 'Bloody hell, her situation must be worse than mine', there was a kind of automatic assumption that I was being weak, that I simply wasn't trying hard enough. Speaking to other women who have been through all kinds of other illnesses - most very, very much more serious than mine - it turns out that this is a really common thing. I have a friend who is in a wheelchair with a serious condition that causes degeneration of connective tissue and she STILL gets people saying "Well, I'm in pain, and I am a black belt in karate, so you can do it too". She's in a goddamn wheelchair and clearly unable to move without pain!!

This has made me hypersensitive to women doing this to others: it's undermining and the very opposite of supportive. Instead of listening to the other woman and appreciating what she is going through, some people just erase them. I appreciate that this wasn't your intention in your post, however. I read it in the wrong light.

At the same time, I absolutely believe the OP when she says that she is simply too tired and too unwell to exercise right now.

Kneehigim Tue 26-Feb-19 08:33:15

You're ill. You just need to rattle your prescription at him.

But when you're into fitness, you can get competitive, think it's the solution to all of life's problems.

Kneehigim Tue 26-Feb-19 08:33:52

I wouldn't right him off yet.

Kneehigim Tue 26-Feb-19 08:34:52

or write him off even*

Tennesseewhiskey Tue 26-Feb-19 08:38:02

Is you condition a side effect from you surgery or related to the fact that you absorb few nutrients.

I wish people would read the thread before telling the OP she is fine as she is. She is clearly very very ill

I lost weight through diet and decided I didn’t want to diet any more. So I deliberately overate to make sure I qualified for the surgery.

Thos is not the behaviour of someone who is well. And it's likely that she is twisting her boyfriends comments into something negative about her. Which can be part of an eating disorder.

He could be a dick. Or he just might be trying his best and anything he says is twisted by the OP.

She is clearly mentally and dangerously unwell. Both physically and mentally

SaturdayNext Tue 26-Feb-19 08:39:20

When you say you can't exercise, OP, does that mean you can't exercise at all, even something like walking? Or is it only certain types of exercise that you can't do?

woollyheart Tue 26-Feb-19 08:39:57

I doubt very much that your boyfriend understands your medical condition.

He is probably asking these questions to assess how serious it is and what you are actually capable of doing.

Have you been honest with him and explained how ill you are and that it means that a lot of things like even gentle exercise are impossible for you?

Maybe he was looking for a partner to do a range of things with him, including things that involve some exercise. This wouldn't be very unusual. If so, maybe you are not the right person for him. Maybe you will never be interested in doing those sorts of things even when you are feeling better. You should be honest with him.

Wedgiecar58 Tue 26-Feb-19 08:41:28

If he is suggesting squats and lunges, it sounds like he wants you to have more of a booty. Makes sense if his ex is also a curvier sort of shape.
I wouldn’t be offended, it would be like me suggesting to DH to do push ups if I fancied him to have bigger pecs. I don’t think he is looking to offend or upset you.

Bekabeech Tue 26-Feb-19 08:46:45

Why are you still with him? Its 5 months - it should be easy and fun. If you have to think this much you should get out.

And you really need help with your mental health issues. Sorry but your posts reveal a very very bad relationship with food and your body. He definitely doesn't help, but you do need to work on yourself.
If you were in the UK I would recommend they have really helped support friends of mine. I don't know if there is an equivalent where you are.

bethy15 Tue 26-Feb-19 08:52:39

He's awful and taking advantage of your issues around your body to control you and the way you look.

You, however, have huge issues that do need to be dealt with. I'm surprised they didn't ask you to have some therapy before removing most of your stomach, as quite frankly what you did was extreme (ate too much to deliberately gain weight to qualify).

You also seem proud of the fact that you don't eat, and think it's funny and enjoy being called a skinny bitch and are really focused on your size quite a lot. I do think you may need some help, even though you don't want it/

Further, most females who look a certain way (skinny) have to starve themselves or exercise excessively.

I have to say, I completely disagree. I am what people may call 'skinny' and I eat three good meals (healthy) and I don't exercise as I have certain pain conditions that stop me from exercising. I do not starve myself at all, I nourish my body with good and healthy food.

The fact you think this is warped.

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 08:55:06


It was successful in that I lost more weight than I had planned.

What I didn’t anticipate was people’s reactions to the change.

I had a friend become obsessed with everything I ate, telling me I was obese (when I knew I wasn’t) and buying me chocolate.

I am overly sensitive to any comments regarding what I eat or what activities I do. Which is why I asked AIBU what others thought.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Tue 26-Feb-19 08:56:10

I do feel for your predicament, but does your boyfriend even know about your health issues. What do you say when he's lunging and squatting all over the place. if you are too unwell to excerise did you tell him this.
It could be that he's the wrong one for you, or it could be that he's just slow on the uptake and trying to help in a clumsy sort of way.
I do hope you get the medical help you need and also find someone in real life to talk to about your other issues. It sounds like you need a bit of TLC. Hope you feel better soon.

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 09:06:46


Possibly I need help bethy15, however, I don’t believe in therapy and would rather spend my money on other things. I find therapy (in the wrong hands can be either dangerous or a massive waste of time).

I also chose to put my “warped” thoughts on AIBU so that I could keep any crazy away from my relationship; which is very much in its infancy.

Of course I’m not going to LTB over this - any more than I am going to commit to therapy.

I had an eating disorder. I chose to spend thousands of dollars having bariatric surgery so that I could have this sorted out once and for all.

Alternatively, I could have committed to years and hours of therapy wherein I transacted the minutiae of my childhood to uncover why I eat my feelings ....I chose to pay a surgeon to just remove 80% of my stomach. Financially it was the better decision.

LovingLola Tue 26-Feb-19 09:11:21

I think for both your sakes you need to go your separate ways.

bethy15 Tue 26-Feb-19 09:14:43

Possibly I need help bethy15, however, I don’t believe in therapy and would rather spend my money on other things. I find therapy (in the wrong hands can be either dangerous or a massive waste of time).

Have you had any then? If you don't believe in it?

I had an eating disorder. I chose to spend thousands of dollars having bariatric surgery so that I could have this sorted out once and for all.

You haven't sorted it though, you still have huge issues surrounding food and your weight and your ideals around it. It's not good to be proud that you barely eat.

It doesn't solve anything long term. Your issues are still there, and if left untreated, it's entirely possible you can gain back your weight as you still have body and food issues.

I didn't mean warped as an insult at all. I meant it as distorted, it's not right to believe anyone who is slim is starving themselves or punishing themselves. Most people who are slim just live a healthy lifestyle and have a healthy relationship with food.

SinkGirl Tue 26-Feb-19 09:15:49

I had an eating disorder. I chose to spend thousands of dollars having bariatric surgery so that I could have this sorted out once and for all

OP, the surgery didn’t fix your problems with eating - it supports them. It makes it easier for you to not eat, which isn’t fixing things, it’s exacerbating them.

You need food for your health- I know that message can get lost when you have an ED but it’s true. You are proud of being able to eat so little. This isn’t healthy for you.

Eating disorders aren’t physical and can’t be fixed with surgery - you need psychological help or your health problems will worsen. Your organs may stop functioning completely.

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 09:20:10


Fascinating!! Squats and lunges are to build up a booty. It didn’t occur to me that he wanted me to be bigger in that department!! It would make sense. Particularly given that it will be virtually impossible for me to gain weight via any other means.

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 09:31:38

I can’t gain back the weight. I don’t have a stomach and I’m still losing weight. I had my friend repeatedly tell me I was going to get fat again. The thing is, I haven’t and I’m unlikely to do so.

Also, I’m not proud I can’t eat - that is the entire point of the surgery, that I would eat smaller meals afterwards.

woollyheart Tue 26-Feb-19 09:32:32

Do you really think he is just interested in your breasts and 'booty'?

If so, it is not safe for the two of you to be together.

If you continue to destroy your body while you aim for 'perfection', you won't need a boyfriend, but you will need carers. I doubt he is up for that role?

Muddysnowdrop Tue 26-Feb-19 09:32:46

You can eat, just small meals. Are you eating, and is the food healthy in terms of lots of food groups? (Ie you’re not just eating salad, or just chocolate)

Muddysnowdrop Tue 26-Feb-19 09:34:04

And you do have a stomach, albeit a very small one. You seem keen to use extreme labels about yourself. I hope there is follow up care from your surgery to check things are as they should be physically.

mentallyfacked Tue 26-Feb-19 09:36:15

OP I genuinely believe you do not know what you want at this moment in time, you have flip flopped on just this thread alone over walking away from your partner to staying.

I have been where you are, my mind was warped to the point that if people complimented my appearance (weight wise)I took it as encouragement to push it further and further.

I am almost positive that regardless of the type of partner you have, this will be the same issue in every relationship you have, because your partner is never going to be as invested in your weight or appearance as you are.

By all means your partner may be an insensitive arse, but I think to ignore the fact you have a serious mental condition would only give you more room to avoid confronting your own illness and issues.

You may disagree with therapy for a multitude of reasons, that is your choice. It will not work unless you are open to the idea and ready to get better.

Fuck the exercise right now, you know the tiny amount you eat is not helping with any medical condition you have.

Good nutrition is essential in your position. If you cant commit to fuelling your body for the purpose of healing things are only going to go downhill even further.

I had to completely retrain my mentality regarding food, I was only able to attempt that when I realised that I needed help and was very ill in the first place.

I hope you are able to get some real life support OP

ItsABeautifulDayNow Tue 26-Feb-19 09:40:38

I've also struggled with an eating disorder and I genuinely notice now that I will get approached by TOTALLY different types of men depending on my weight.

When I was very anorexic it was like I had a flashing beacon for men who found it easy to manipulate vulnerable women and perhaps even enjoyed doing so - not always the case consciously for them but an unhealthy start for a relationship. I was still chatty and out and about but they seemed to see through it and know I was vulnerable.

Since getting healthy (of course I'll always struggle with it but have made big progress) I'm approached by men with a healthy respect for women who like the fact I'm gobby and not full of self loathing - a healthy and FUN starting point.

This early into a relationship you should be excited to see each other and have fun together, not second guessing what they will say / think. This early on he's showing you the best of himself - think about how you could feel in another 6 months if this continues...

Don't let someone further complicate an already complicated and fragile body image. Be kind to yourself!

bethy15 Tue 26-Feb-19 09:43:46

I can’t gain back the weight. I don’t have a stomach and I’m still losing weight. I had my friend repeatedly tell me I was going to get fat again. The thing is, I haven’t and I’m unlikely to do so.

Actually you can. Here you go...

'However, up to 3 out of 10 gastric sleeve patients gain weight after reaching their low weight.'
'The amount varies widely by patient, ranging from only a small amount of weight to all of it'
I know someone IRL who had this done, still had huge issues surrounding food and managed to gain most of their weight back over time.

And you do still have a stomach. That's a complete lie to say you don't have one or just exaggerating. But yes, you have one.

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 09:47:36

It’s a tube. It was reduced by more than 80% & it doesn’t operate like a stomach any more (it doesn’t break down the food like a normal stomach, nor does it produce the hormones like a normal stomach). It is merely a tube to my small intestine. This isn’t an extreme view, this was what was explained to me by my surgeon.

I’m having regular follow up appointments with my GP who orders all the tests I needs and gives me injections of anything I’m lacking.

over50andfab Tue 26-Feb-19 09:51:31

OP I can’t really comment on who is BU here, and haven’t read your other threads. Having had an unhealthy obsession with food for most of my teens and 20s, I understand your being hypersensitive to any comments made, and difficult to say whether the eyebrow thing was said in joke? My exH used to make disparaging comments about my body, even though It was way better than his on all counts so I have been there too.

What I can say though, is health is not just about weight and BMI. It is also mental attitude and being comfortable with how you look. Also, and very importantly, it is eating healthily and especially in later years toning and resistance exercises.

My mum, and her mum were, being blunt, very slim but very little muscle tone. I am trying for the less “scrawny” look and also ensuring I get an all round healthy diet.

What you have done does sound somewhat excessive, but I wonder if you are now getting the correct nutrients into you for your body to function properly?

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 09:54:27

Your comments are similar to my nasty friend that I had to let go.
I was constantly told by her that I was going to gain the weight back, even while I was still losing it.

Ultimately, she couldn’t handle I was slimmer than her - or others commenting on my size. It was just nastiness on her part.

The surgeon explained I don’t have a stomach any more - this wasn’t something I imagined. He explained before surgery, he explained after surgery and showed me internal pictures. It is just a tube and doesn’t function like a normal stomach. It doesn’t break down food like a stomach does, it doesn’t produce the normal hormones that tell me when to eat. I don’t get hungry. I don’t have a mental health condition because I choose to believe a surgeon over some random SAHM on mumsnet who has spent far too much time on google today.

My question was specific in respect to what my boyfriend being unreasonable asking me to do squats.

Clearly you have twisted this to there being something wrong with me and needing help.

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 09:57:00


Possibly not getting the right nutrients, which is one reason exercise is almost impossible.

I do go for walks when I’m not sick.

IHateUncleJamie Tue 26-Feb-19 09:57:18

@Secretprofile You are cherrypicking issues to fixate on. Yes, you have an ED but you also have mental health problems. No point in only treating your physical symptoms by having injections and so on if you won’t address your Mental Health as well.

I’m not sure this man is right for you but equally I’m not convinced he’s abusive or a gaslighter. Please speak to your GP about your Mental Health.

over50andfab Tue 26-Feb-19 09:57:52

Just to add...I have never had my eyebrows done in my life! Although I’m told I “scrub up well” with make up, clothes etc it’s also important to be accepted as I am and I will equally go to the supermarket in a tracksuit and no make up. It really doesn’t bother me.

Tennesseewhiskey Tue 26-Feb-19 09:59:18

OP you still have an eating disorder.

No one is being nasty to you. This makes me think that this us part of your disorder too. I doubt whatever you boyfriend will be right and you will twist it into something negative about yourself.

What injections do you have to have?

Again, is it likely that your health problems are related to all this is some way?

SinkGirl Tue 26-Feb-19 10:01:49

So you’re thinking that it doesn’t matter if your diet is lacking because if you’re deficient in anything, your GP will sort it. It’s really not as straightforward as that, as I’m sure you know deep down. I really worry for you OP as I can see how deeply you are in the grip of this illness. I have lost friends to this illness and it is not a nice way to die. I watched my mother starve to death for other reasons (cancer obstructing her bowel) and it was truly horrific.

What are you eating in a day since the surgery? How much extra weight did you have to gain for the surgery - a few pounds or a hundred?

Motoko Tue 26-Feb-19 10:02:49

People are focussing on OP's eating disorder, and missing (or ignoring) the red flags.

He didn't suggest lunges and squats because he's concerned about her health, FFS! Who the fuck would suggest that form of exercise to somebody in OP's position?
If you were going to suggest exercise, you'd suggest gentle walks, swimming, maybe some yoga. not miles long hikes, lunges and squats, and it would be in the context of a conversation about OP's health.

He comments on her eyebrows, when she hasn't had them shaped and tinted.

He said he likes the fact that she hardly eats. That alone is is a MASSIVE red flag. Why are people ignoring this? No wonder so many women end up years down the line in abusive relationships, if they don't know what's a red flag.

OP said she's posted about him on here before, and people told her she was being gaslighted, yet now, because people are focussing on the ED, the boyfriend has done nothing wrong, and any comments he makes are because he cares, and OP is seeing everything as a criticism, because of her disordered thinking.

OP, I'm concerned that earlier, you said you were going to pull back from this relationship, and end it, yet now you say you're not going to LTB over this. Do you mean you're now not LTB, or you are, but because of the accumulation of red flags, not just because of this single issue?

You should LTB, because after only 5 months, you've started 2 threads about him, and there are several red flags in this thread alone (I don't know if I saw your previous thread) which indicate that you should drop him.

over50andfab Tue 26-Feb-19 10:03:35

OP so if you don’t have a stomach as such how do you get any nutrients into you other than by injection?

Muddysnowdrop Tue 26-Feb-19 10:06:26

I’m guessing your boyfriend is struggling to understand as we clearly are too. Are there support groups for people who’ve had your op to discuss how to manage food intake and stay healthy?
You should put the claws away though. Slagging off a poster (who you know nothing about) for being a SAHM is beneath you.

SinkGirl Tue 26-Feb-19 10:06:52

Clearly you have twisted this to there being something wrong with me and needing help

You said yourself you have an eating disorder OP, but it’s clear from the way you talk about your body and food even if you hadn’t.

No one here is trying to hurt you, lots of people are very concerned about you.

The PP who mentioned that a proportion of people who get gastric sleeves gain all their weight back is accurate. I think that’s unlikely to happen with you because you artificially inflated your weight to get the surgery, and you are enjoying the fact it enables you to eat very little.

Are you having frequent B12 injections? Deficiency can cause serious ill health and you won’t be absorbing it now.

bethy15 Tue 26-Feb-19 10:07:41

Firstly, I'm not a SAHM, I'm not even a mother. I actually work in health and nutrition, so there you go.

*Your comments are similar to my nasty friend that I had to let go.
I was constantly told by her that I was going to gain the weight back, even while I was still losing it.

Ultimately, she couldn’t handle I was slimmer than her - or others commenting on my size. It was just nastiness on her part.*

I did not say you was going to put it back on, only highlighting you are very wrong if you think your issues are solved and you cannot put weight on. You can. I'm not being nasty, I'm being honest. Your problems have not gone away, you can still gain back all of your weight, even as your stomach is now.

I think your views on your friend have a lot to do with you. You value being slimmer then everyone around you. My opinion has nothing to do with that. I am 5ft 10 and wear a size 6 so I can handle your 'slimness'.

Other people hae had the exact same surgery as you and gained it back as their issues with food are still there.

Clearly you have twisted this to there being something wrong with me and needing help.

I haven't twisted anything, you've written it all out here. You pushed yourself to gain weight to destroy your stomach to lose weight. You clearly have MH issues surrounding food, it doesn't need twisting.

OftenHangry Tue 26-Feb-19 10:08:09

Op gastric sleeve is not a complete removal of a stomach. They remove large part of it and the remainer is shaped like a tube.

Tennesseewhiskey Tue 26-Feb-19 10:13:49

Motoko no I think you are missing the point.

The boyfriend could have suggested squats for sorts of reasons that aren't controlling. OP cant exercise. He may have been suggesting things that she could do at home and do as many as she wants. He could be concerned that she us very small and frail and thinking that building muscles could help.

He may comment on her appearance as he knows she wants compliments, but referring to her body is a big no no.

The OP has read huge amounts of negativity towards heartfelt, in posts that aren't there .

Her eating disorder is a huge part of this. It's entirely possible the op is distorting peoples words and actions because of her disorder

Or he could be a dick either way the shouldn't be together. But it's entirely possible this is actually the op and her illness

mentallyfacked Tue 26-Feb-19 10:19:17

@motoko people are focusing on her ED because they are aware of how it warps people mentally.

You've just seen a poster present her with facts backed up by science and she has turned the message around to the poster being nasty to her.

I work with abused women and a huge factor is knowing the signs for red flags.

It's also taking into account the womans mental health and how they view the world, it's how I know what safeguards to put in place.

And additionally learning the difference between being skinny and being strong was a huge factor in my recovery, I achieved strength by exercising, I ate more to achieve more strength, thus it trickled down into how I view nutrition.

This approach wont work for everyone, am lucky it did for me.

ItsABeautifulDayNow Tue 26-Feb-19 10:24:51

I think it's worth thinking about your original post - you asked for opinions on whether this is a red flag and almost everyone has said:

1. Yes it probably is


2. It would be beneficial for you to get some support for your self image / relationship with your body

But you're choosing to be angry with people who have taken the time to read your post and offer their thoughts, which you asked people to do.

Nobody is being jealous or trying to wind you up - you asked for opinions and people have given them kindly and in good faith.

I hope you feel better soon flowers

Passing4Human Tue 26-Feb-19 10:31:19

Motoko, it is difficult to respond about the BF, because you can't take the OP's perception of anything that is said to her as accurate unfortunately. Perception of everything is filtered through her ED. I'm a recovering alcoholic. It'd be like me posting, "do you think my DP is being horrible to me?" and then drip feeding that it's sometimes difficult for me to make objective judgements as I've never been sober when I've spoken to him.

ChariotsofFish Tue 26-Feb-19 10:50:35

Your BF is showing massive red flags, but frankly you sound an absolute mess and not in a place to have a healthy relationship. I am really shocked that you were given gastric sleeve surgery without accompanying counselling. Responsible places don’t allow that. And your understanding of what you have had done and the potential future effects is clearly insufficient to have been making sound decisions about it.

You really need to be honest with your GP about all these thoughts.

Alicatz66 Tue 26-Feb-19 11:07:30

My DP is an exercise freak !! I gave running a go with him ... got to 5k but just don't enjoy it so I packed it in !!! We will go for a hike together ... he goes to spinning on his own and I go to rebounding ... if you enjoy exercise then do it .. I like how good it makes me feel afterwards .. but please don't talk about yourself as a set of numbers and sizes OP .. just have the confidence to do the things you enjoy that make you happy .. and if exercise ain't one of them, don't give it a second thought !! smile

over50andfab Tue 26-Feb-19 11:30:13

@ChariotsofFish “massive red flags? Absolute mess?”

Rather extreme and very unkind. Would you say something like this to someone IRL that you hardly know?

Plus do we know that the OP wasn’t offered or hasn’t received or currently receiving counselling?

Tennesseewhiskey Tue 26-Feb-19 11:35:04

Plus do we know that the OP wasn’t offered or hasn’t received or currently receiving counselling?

If you read the thread, op says several time that therapy is unhelpful and possibly dangerous. She wanted the OP instead of it and wont engage.

Weetabixandshreddies Tue 26-Feb-19 11:40:12


I appreciate the apology and am sorry for the medical condition you went through - it sounds dreadful.

I have the opposite experience to you. So many people dismiss my illness because I exercise. The thing is, as bad as I am now, I get much worse if I don't exercise. So although the pain and stiffness is bad I can still walk around and go to work. If I stop I end up unable to get out of bed.

It isn't easy. I have to force myself to do it because I feel so unwell but unless I want to end up house bound I have to push myself.

downcasteyes Tue 26-Feb-19 11:45:10

weetabix - You poor thing. I do understand that.

I think the problem, in both cases, is the same: women minimising one another's pain or treating all cases like they are the same. If I've done that to you here, I really apologise. Being unwell is bad enough without people turning it into a competition or assuming that what is true for them is true for others. flowers

IHateUncleJamie Tue 26-Feb-19 11:46:21

Plus do we know that the OP wasn’t offered or hasn’t received or currently receiving counselling?

The OP doesn’t believe in therapy and has said a couple of times that she won’t have it.

Having read all the OP’s posts I don’t actually think that the BF is exhibiting any Red Flags. He might be a bit insensitive and he might not be right for the OP - or he could be perfectly fine and her ED is skewing what he says and only hearing what it wants to hear.

anniehm Tue 26-Feb-19 11:56:17

Is this exercising together or just you? We took up running together (partly because we rarely do things together) not the same as being busy shamed

SaturdayNext Tue 26-Feb-19 11:57:27

I'm seriously concerned about the surgeon who performed this surgery on you, OP. I would have thought that a reputable one would have had major reservations about performing this sort of surgery on someone with an ED, and would have insisted on you going through therapy first. The fact that he charged you thousands of pounds may well have something to do with his actions.

over50andfab Tue 26-Feb-19 12:01:40

Ah, apologies re counselling - I missed the rather long post at 9.06 where the poster explained why she doesn’t want counselling.

In which case I stand by what I said upthread, in that in situations like this mental and physical needs should be addressed and repeat that thinner is not by any means healthier

JessieMcJessie Tue 26-Feb-19 12:17:48

Your surgeon should be struck off. Shocking.

Mominatrix Tue 26-Feb-19 12:26:45

I think that, in this situation, no random stranger in the internet can give you an accurate opinion on your situation as we have only your interpretation of the situation.

It is clear from your posts that you are mentally unwell. Anyone who jeopardises her health to deceive a surgeon into performing a life altering surgery like a gastric band is not mentally stable. To top it off, you dismiss therapy and claim you would rather spend the money on other things which won't help you get to the reason behind your eating disorder. The eating and weight were symptoms of your disease. You got rid of some symptoms, but the disease still exists and is not going anywhere.

Your immediate interpretation that your BF encouragement to exercise is due to his being controlling and wanting you to lose more weight is quite a leap. Exercise is not a weight loss tool unless done for a duration and intensity of competitive athletes. It is, however, the best thing anyone can do for their health, both physical and mental. Your DP sounds like a person who enjoys exercise, does quite a bit of it, and thus knows of its benefits. It is possible that he believes that encouraging you to exercise will make you better physically and happier with yourself mentally.

Exercise is definitely something you need to start to do, and if I were a friend of yours, I'd be encouraging you to start exercising. No, it is not because I think that you need to lose more weight or get a "better" body. No, it is not because I would want to bring you down due to jealousy (I am, and always have been, a 4-6 UK except for pregnancies). It is because it the benefits of exercising are so great.

You are in no position to be in a serious relationship until you fix the relationship you have with yourself.

ChariotsofFish Tue 26-Feb-19 12:46:28

@over50andfab The whole point of the internet is it isn’t real life. Presumably the OP wouldn’t tell someone she didn’t know all of this stuff. In real life, a good friend would tell her exactly the same as I did. She has mental health issues which she is refusing to deal with.

SecretProfile Tue 26-Feb-19 13:32:34

@over50andfab do realise the stomach doesn’t process foods - it merely breaks them down for the intenstines to absorb nutrients.

Why is everyone caught up on this.
I merely mentioned it because I don’t need to lose any weight.

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