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Boyfriend asked me to exercise

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MNHQ have commented on this thread.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 09:36:08

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. This weekend just gone he suggested I do some squats. It started out jokingly and then he brought up the squats again then he suggested lunges as “surely you can cope with lunges?” - he then looked at me very seriously.

I’m currently an Australian size 8 and I’m 57kg. I’m short but I’m in the healthy BMI range.

The history of this is I’ve been very unwell lately and doctors and specialists are trying to work out what is wrong with me.

I’m too tired to exercise and I’m often sick and taking a lot of painkillers.

I’m thinking that he isn’t happy with my body, even though I’ve seen pictures of his ex-wife and she looks to be a size 16.

The only comment he makes about my body is that he loves my tits (yes, he says tits).

Is this a red flag or am I oversensitive to this? I am very insecure about my weight and his comments have bothered me.

Porridgeprincess Mon 25-Feb-19 09:38:44

Not oversensitive at all. You are at a normal weight and dealing with health issues and he is showing that he is not happy with your body 5 MONTHS IN

If your friend told you this exact issue in her relationship, how would you feel on her behalf

It is too soon for him to be showing his colours like this. I would seriously think hard about where this relationship could go.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 09:38:46

Also, I would often be a size 6 top/jackets but my breasts are quite large, which is why I wear a size 8. I still have hips and wear size 8 skirts or a size 9 in jeans.

Porridgeprincess Mon 25-Feb-19 09:39:37

You do not have to explain your body to anyone. It is no acceptance you need from anyone.

IDoN0tCare Mon 25-Feb-19 09:41:06

The only exercise you need is the one that involves walking him to the door and throwing him out of it! 5 months in and he’s already judging your body and trying to manipulate your self worth?! Fuck that! It’s only the start of his mind games and will get worse as the relationship goes on.

ladybirdsarelovely33 Mon 25-Feb-19 09:42:04

I would def see a red flag flying high here. You are unwell. I would expect an OH to be supportive and kind, ensuring you rest and eat well.
What kind of person would tell their OH to do exercises unless they were their personal trainer or under the instruction of a physio?

Porridgeprincess Mon 25-Feb-19 09:42:46

Very true, it is a start of mind games. You are questioning if your own body is acceptable. It is a pretty shitty thing to comment on a persons body negatively esp when the person themselves feel perfectly fine !!

OnlyFoolsnMothers Mon 25-Feb-19 09:43:21

5 months? Don’t bother continuing this relationship

PotteryGirl Mon 25-Feb-19 09:44:19

So in just 5 months he likes your tits, he's unhappy with the rest of you and shows no compassion to you in relation to your health and mental wellness. He sounds like a great catch. I bet you deserve better..don't you? Get rid.

Handsfull13 Mon 25-Feb-19 09:45:22

Unless you were obese and your doctor told you to exercise more for your health then your bf has no reason to be pushing you to exercise. It's your body and your choice.

I'd flat out ask him why he keeps bringing it up. His answer will tell you whether he's worth being in a relationship with.

Whereareyouspot Mon 25-Feb-19 09:45:37

Stop explaining your body on here. It’s yours and it’s not anyone else’s business

Was your BF maybe suggesting exercise to help you feel better? I’m often nudging my DH to get out on his bike or play tennis because he always feels better when he does but doesn’t always motivate himself without a suggestion!
Maybe BF has not even correlated your body with the squats but that you will feel strong and better physically

Women are much more likely to exercise with calories in mind.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 Mon 25-Feb-19 09:47:56

Before jumping down his throat... am I right in thinking he didn't actually criticise your body, just suggested some exercises? Without knowing the context of that conversation, it could have just been casual chatter about what he gets up to at the gym and what you might like to try?

I wouldn't take offence. He may be concerned that you're not exercising because you're ill and is trying to gently encourage it! It sounds like you're a bit over sensitive about your current (totally normal-sounding) weight.

Whereareyouspot Mon 25-Feb-19 09:48:57

Yes and all the posters on here straight into LTB over one comment as far as we know

Redwinestillfine Mon 25-Feb-19 09:49:10

Firstly I hope you feel better soon and get to the bottom of what's making you tired. If he's not supportive when you are sick, he may well not be the best man for you. You do sound a bit obsessed with size ( mentioning you would've a 6 but for your chest for example and bringing up his ex wife's size). Size is just a number. It doesn't mean anything and you certainly shouldn't be linking it in any way to happiness. Be confident in yourself for who you are.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 Mon 25-Feb-19 09:49:34

It feels a bit like you WANT the wrath of Mumsnet to fall upon him ("Yes, he says tits")

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 09:50:55

My doctor has not told me to exercise. The only thing my doctor has commented on is how she likes how I dress (which was nice). To be fair, my bf has told me he likes how I dress - but I also spend a lot of $$ on clothes and am planning to put a stop to that.

We went shopping this weekend and I bought a size 8 top which was the smallest that shop makes and he said I should try it on. I had one in a different colour and told him that it’s likely too big - but it it is, I’ll have it altered as they don’t make anything smaller.

woollyheart Mon 25-Feb-19 09:51:59

He might just be encouraging you to try some exercise because you have been unwell and have been saying you were tired.

Some gentler exercises might be more suitable....

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 09:53:40

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 absolutely, that could have happened!! Except it didn’t happen. He brought up me doing lunges without any segway into the conversation.

He doesn’t like my body because he’s never said he likes it. The only thing he comments on is my tits (and that I dress well - but that is a comment on my clothes).

madcatladyforever Mon 25-Feb-19 09:54:43

What you look like aside why isn't he being supportive with your health problems?
He doesn't sound like a keeper.
Maybe ask him why he is doing this when you are unwell. Possibly a misguided bloke way of helping. I really don't know.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 09:55:58

@woollyheart I am hoping that is the case.... but now I think about it, he tried to get me to do yoga with him and keeps mentioning us going for walks and doing exercise together.

I’ve told him I’ll go for a hike with him. I’ll plan it for next weekend.

AdoraBell Mon 25-Feb-19 09:57:55

Drop him.

There is nothing wrong with your body. If you pr Dr recommended excersises that would be different.

I hope you get some answers re your pain and health issues. Depending what is behind the pain something like yoga or Pilates might help you to feel better. That is for your benefit, not his.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 09:59:37

@madcatladyforever he saw a test I had left in my car (I hadn’t taken the sample). It had a biohazard thing on it and he then teased me about it.... I don’t think he’s being supportive. Actually, now I write this I’m very concerned, he’s more interested in how I look than anything else. He also said I looked tired yesterday and I didn’t. I slept in and had a lovely day, so I wasn’t tired - I didn’t feel tired or even look tired. I didn’t have bags under my eyes and I was wearing makeup in any event.

IDoN0tCare Mon 25-Feb-19 09:59:50

I’ve told him I’ll go for a hike with him. I’ll plan it for next weekend.

Oh well, see you in a few months when he’s got you well and truly mind fucked.

Hunter037 Mon 25-Feb-19 10:00:22

Is he very keen on exercise? Maybe he wants to have something in common with you or an activity which you can do together (e.g. yoga or walking). What do you usually do together?

Just because he doesn't say he likes your body, doesnt mean he dislikes it. Does he say you are sexy/beautiful? What exactly are you expecting him to say?

Do you tell him that you like parts of his body? If not, is it because you dislike the way he looks or have you just not thought to say it?

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 10:00:33

@AdoraBell

Yes, I think I might get into Pilates again and then casually mention it before I leave him.

LadyMinerva Mon 25-Feb-19 10:01:26

I'm with woollyheart here. He might be thinking purely of your health and you being so tired. Perhaps he is trying to be supportive in his own way? He might not know how else to help.

He may have never said he does like your body but by the same token he has never said he doesn't?

Springwalk Mon 25-Feb-19 10:01:26

He is abusing you and making you feel like shit. Undermining you by saying you look tired, need to exercise etc etc is really nasty.

I would be wondering very seriously whether I wanted to stay with someone like this tbh.

IDoN0tCare Mon 25-Feb-19 10:01:33

Yes, I think I might get into Pilates again and then casually mention it before I leave him.

Phew! I’m so relieved, OP. You deserve better.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 10:02:32

@Hunter037

The only thing he comments on are my breasts (repeatedly) and he occasionally says I have beautiful eyes.

I comment on his body. He doesn’t say anything back to me when I do - other than “awwwww” and changes the subject.

HoppingPavlova Mon 25-Feb-19 10:03:25

Why are you with him?

God I hope he is not Australian. It’s always so embarrassing when the odd Aussie dickhead gives all Australian males a bad name.

He seems quite odd and controlling from what you have said. Why is he looking at clothes with you? My DH would rather stick forks in his eyesgrin. You also seem a bit obsessed with your size and what he thinks in this regard. Who cares as long as you are happy.

DoneLikeAKipper Mon 25-Feb-19 10:03:52

He may be concerned that you're not exercising because you're ill and is trying to gently encourage it

Aw what a sweetie! The op is so ill they need to take constant painkillers and under go tests, obviously some ‘gentle coxing’ into working out is exactly what the OP needs right now!

If he’s making you question your body when you didn’t think there was an issue before (and it sounds like you are a perfectly normal size), then he’s a bit of a twat. What you do with that is up to you, but with being ill on top is that the sort of person you need to be with at the moment?

EveryYouEveryMe Mon 25-Feb-19 10:05:00

I've only read your posts OP. He is a Nobber and a pillock. You can do much much better than that waste of skin.

he is already making you question yourself, already eating at your self confidence.

Shift some weight by ditching him.

KurriKurri Mon 25-Feb-19 10:05:01

Have you told him your doctor says not to exercise ?
I think a lot of people who haven;t had an illness which leaves you extremely fatigued have no idea what it feels like - and somehow think if you just tried harder not to feel tired you'd feel less exhausted. Illness fatigue isn't like ordinary tiredness.

I would tell him that you are not well enough to exercise at the moment, you are following your doctor's advice and when you are ready you will take her advice on how to rebuild your fitness level. meanwhile he needs minds his own business because he's adding to the problem not helping you.

And I wouldn't keep saying what your size is - it makes you sound very insecure as if you need to defend your size - you don't. I don't know how australian sizes compared to UK ones, but imagine an 8 is small, and I'm sure your doctor would have said if she thought your size was a problem. But whatever your size - it is your business not his.

I've been seriously ill in the past and my fitness level dropped drastically because I could hardly even walk anywhere let alone exercise. Once I started being able to do a little bit more I found swimming and yoga were the best way to get gradually fit again - gentle exercise and take it at your own pace. Lunges and squats totally unnecessary. (I have an image in my head of him doing lunges all round the room just to show how manly he is - let him get on with it, but don't feel pressured to join in with his showing off.)

trulybadlydeeply Mon 25-Feb-19 10:06:11

OP I think YABU, and it sounds like you could do with losing some weight, TBH.

Approx 70kg or so.

At 5 months into a relationship he should be making you feel amazing, even on the days when you feel terrible. He should be supporting you and boosting you, and making you feel special.

Sounds like you need to focus on you and your health, without wasting your time on this relationship.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 10:06:21

@Springwalk
That is what I thought. He mentioned my eyebrows the other week (they weren’t even that messy - I just hadn’t had them professionally styled/tinted before seeing him).

I guess I wanted to know what other people thought. It bothers me when he gives more negative feedback than positive feedback. It makes me wonder and I wanted to know if I was being overly sensitive.

The only way I will find out about my health is to have further tests (which are scheduled).

lizzzyyliveson Mon 25-Feb-19 10:09:43

Are you just a collection of body parts? Does he have any relationship with you, yourself? What films does he love, what music is he into, does he follow a team, does he have plans for his future? Do you know anything about him except that he likes some fatty deposits on your chest?

Dump him and find a man that you can talk to.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 10:09:44

My doctor has never told me not to exercise. She did tell me she thought my fatigue was because I had an organ removed (last year) and I was still recovering from the surgery. She said to take it easy, but never to not exercise. The tests that have come back has shown there is something wrong but she doesn’t know what it is. I’m seeing a number of different specialists now (as there are many things wrong and they are serious).

Thatsnotmyotter Mon 25-Feb-19 10:11:00

You kind of sound slightly obsessed with how small you are though? Talking about how things will be too big and you need the smallest the shop do etc... Maybe he is concerned that you are slim but unhealthy, in terms of low muscle tone and poor cardiovascular fitness? Rather than being critical of your figure. It sounds like it’s a sensitive area for you. He might be commenting on how he ‘loves your tits’ to highlight that he is fond of the curvier areas of you.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 10:11:34

@lizzzyyliveson
We like the same music, we enjoy each other’s company...
We have a similar sense of humour.

We haven’t spoken about a future. That concerns me. I’m going to start pulling away in anticipation this is ending.

Thank you for your feedback.

lizzzyyliveson Mon 25-Feb-19 10:12:57

Wow, well in that case you should definitely be prioritising the shape of your bum!

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 10:13:25

@Thatsnotmyotter I doubt it. I still have hips.

I’m called skinny bitch at work but teased because I still have boobs.

He says he likes how I hardly eat any food.... usually we just share when we go out.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 10:14:34

@lizzzyyliveson

Yes, I should definitely prioritise the shape of my bum 😝

Missingstreetlife Mon 25-Feb-19 10:16:13

Bin.him.off.
Excersise when you are not well, even walking can be dangerous, and permanently damage your health.
Listen to your body and your doctor

Thatsnotmyotter Mon 25-Feb-19 10:17:04

Have you had problems with food in the past?

Auntiepatricia Mon 25-Feb-19 10:19:54

Red flag red flag!

FrenchJunebug Mon 25-Feb-19 10:20:04

even if you were a size 16 your boyfriend is not on!

KurriKurri Mon 25-Feb-19 10:20:28

Sorry - misread your comment about doctor and exercise and got it the wrong way round - apologies ! But I stand by rest of my post - if you want to exercise pick something gentle - especially if you have had surgery - lunges and squats aren't a good idea.

SevenStones Mon 25-Feb-19 10:21:52

He sounds like an utter wanker!

PlasticPatty Mon 25-Feb-19 10:22:23

He needs some exercise. Tell him to 'jog on'.

Missingstreetlife Mon 25-Feb-19 10:23:36

Sorry, walking too far.
Stick with what is comfortable, yoga and gentle swimming may be ok.
Happy you don't eat much. WHAT?!!!?

Chathamhouserules Mon 25-Feb-19 10:24:46

He is abusing you and making you feel like shit. Undermining you by saying you look tired, need to exercise etc etc is really nasty.

What a load of crap. Maybe he's suggesting you exercise because there is such a lot of evidence of its benefits to physical and mental health. And he knows you are unwell. Why don't you ask him?
And you might have looked tired even though you felt great and he was being concerned for you.
I suggested my dh started exercise when he was very down because I wanted him to feel better, not because I was abusive.
I think perhaps you might be a bit sensitive about your appearance, as you've mentioned it a lot and perhaps you are hyper sensitive to things he says.
Or alternatively he might be incredibly shallow and obsessed with appearances, in which case ditch him.
But you'll have to ask him I think. We can't really judge from what you've said.

Willow2017 Mon 25-Feb-19 10:30:25

Good old mn.
Op has had major surgery and gp has told her to tale it easy as she is still recovering and there is something medically amiss which she hasnt figured out yet and she needs further testing for but her dp has the answer...squats and lunges and a good old hike for miles.
Thank Christ a man came and solved her problens in one fell swoop out of the goodness of his heart!

Op he doesnt care a jot about you just how you look (and you do as he thinks you should) and once you start changing to suit him it will never end.

Lose a ton of dead weight by Binning him and enjoy life your way. No way should you be doing strenuous exercise just now. Do not go on some damm hike. If you feel up to it do something gentle you like which will not stress out your body but until you recover from surgery and get to the bottom of the other problem doing exercise you arent used to could make things 10 times worse.

Put yourself first not that idiot who has no idea about whats right for your body right now.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Mon 25-Feb-19 10:30:49

@secretprofile

This comment of yours - He doesn’t like my body because he’s never said he likes it. - that seems like a massive leap and assumption to make. However, you dont seem to like him much so remove yourself from the relationship. No biggie.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 25-Feb-19 10:35:46

He says he likes how I hardly eat any food....

Do you have an eating disorder?

Motherofcreek Mon 25-Feb-19 10:38:08

Get rid. Honestly.

He doesn’t fancy you. I had a ex bf who was like this and often made comments about how I should spend time in the gym or tone up. I was a uk size 10. I’d never ever had any one say anything like this to me and I just swollowed it. Luckily he soon lost interest and I met my Dh who would never say anything like that. I’ve put weight on since dc and he loves my body.

He is just killing time before some one else comes along.

sighrollseyes Mon 25-Feb-19 10:38:26

If you want to exercise do it for you and not for anyone else.
Exercise is good for us all generally (not just from a weight perspective), but you should do it because you want to do it / feel a need to do it. Definitely NOT Just because someone you've known 5 minutes tells you he thinks you should.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 10:38:37

@IDoN0tCare
😝
I don’t think I’m mind fucked ....I’m in a better place emotionally if I can get clarity that he is trying to head fuck me.

I can understand if he always liked skinny girls and I was being compared ....but he’s not comparing me to anyone. He’s ex-wife was a larger lady.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 10:39:37

@AnchorDownDeepBreath
Yes, I have an eating disorder

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 25-Feb-19 10:42:07

* @AnchorDownDeepBreath*
Yes, I have an eating disorder

Okay. Are you getting any help?

There are two possibilities here. Either he wants to help you build muscle so you can eat more, or he's trying to encourage you to lose more weight and worsen the problem. You will know better than us, but from what you've said, I suspect the latter.

This must be really hard. Please don't let this worsen your condition thanks

OftenHangry Mon 25-Feb-19 10:42:34

Yes, I have an eating disorder

Does he know? And the extent of it?

GregoryPeckingDuck Mon 25-Feb-19 10:43:20

Do leave him.

teainthemorning Mon 25-Feb-19 10:44:06

Sorry lovey but he's playing mind games; negative comments on your looks, he likes the fact that you don't eat much, subtly insinuating that you need to lose weight/ exercise more.
All classic signs of control.

Thatsnotmyotter Mon 25-Feb-19 10:49:09

I think it’s going to be impossible to unpick what is criticism and what is perceived criticism due to your illness. You would be better of speaking to a professional about this.

SinkGirl Mon 25-Feb-19 10:50:40

I already knew you had an eating disorder from your previous comments. I’m not sure whether he has an issue with your body (I doubt he does) but the type of comments he’s making are certainly not healthy for someone with this issue.

I suspect it may be more that he doesn’t think you’re really unwell and is trying to push you out of it - I’ve experienced this myself (and eating disorders too). You can’t exercise your way out of chronic fatigue and in your position putting too much emphasis on exercise will be unhealthy. Get rid of him and focus on your health.

bananamonkey Mon 25-Feb-19 10:52:05

5 months in there should t be any negative feedback! I don’t think DH has criticised my looks in the last 12 years...

IDoN0tCare Mon 25-Feb-19 10:54:13

Oh gosh, OP, I’m sorry about that head ducked comment. I get overly anxious when I think a woman is getting involved in an abusive relationship. Been there, worn the ripped and bloody tee shirt.

I’m glad you’re gaining the strength to know what’s happening in this relationship. It does sound very deliberate, on his part, that he got with a woman with a very very slim woman after being with a wife who carried extra weight. I wonder if he was the reason she was heavier?

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty Mon 25-Feb-19 10:57:34

I understand. I have a weird embarrassing issue with my eating. I know its an earing disorder but I swing between binge eating til Im sick amd starving myself. I always feel out of control regarding it but i disnt get help when i spoke up about it in 2006.

An ex of mine when I was breastfeeding my second, told.me i needed to cut back on my food. I wasnt large. I also slent 2.5 years with a manchild obsessed with how i didnt look slutty and pretty enough and pushed clothes on me which i hates. When he met me, i had dreadlocks and scruffy outdoors summer clothes, it couldnt have been more obvious i was alternative and not into make up.

That one was very sexually coercive amd i left after i felt raped

BackforGood Mon 25-Feb-19 10:58:04

I'm with Flossie, Woolly and others.
From what you are posting, it seems it is you who is obsessed with your body. When you say he doesn't comment on the rest of your body - er, why would he ? My dh doesn't go around commenting on my body, and I don't on his.
It sounds - and we can only go on what you have posted - that he is suggesting that some gentle exercise might do you the world of good, and it is something he can support you with, and then you are somehow translating that into a criticism of your body.
Yes, you have told us that your Dr has said not to exercise, but going for a walk in the fresh air is what he is suggesting, aside from trying the lunges, not running a marathon.

Omzlas Mon 25-Feb-19 10:59:20

Exercise helps me massively with both my physical and mental health (long term chronic condition + depression). But unless he's suggesting exercise to improve either of those things, as opposed to helping trim / tone, he's a wanker and you deserve better

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 11:01:08

I have always yo-yo’d with my weight. Then I decided to do something about it and had my stomach removed (gastric sleeve). I ate extra food to make sure I could meet the weight criteria. I can eat as much or as little as I want. I definitely overate before. He knows about the gastric sleeve. Which is why I wonder about his comments about my exercising. Is he deliberately being an asshole? He never knew me when I was fat. He only knows me now. The health issues aren’t all because I’m not eating.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 11:04:13

@AnchorDownDeepBreath

No, I’m not. I’ve had my stomach removed so I’m not hungry.

I think he mentions my exercising so that I get insecure. But I wasn’t convinced of this. This is why I posted on here to ask.

He knows I ended a friendship after she kept making comments about my weight and what I was eating.

He wouldn’t dare comment on the food part because I hardly eat.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 11:07:36

@teainthemorning
That is what I thought.... that it is about control. I’ve also posted under another name about him gaslighting me (I didn’t call it gaslighting - someone else did).

This is just another form of control.

I think he’s doing it because he’s insecure. His friends are happy in relationships and I think he is pretending to make it work with me because it’s easier than finding someone else.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty Mon 25-Feb-19 11:08:45

Sorry forgot to say, with the one I had a baby with, there were always comments about exercise, my nails which I have bitten most of my life, comparisons between me and his exes. I missed so many red flags.

outpinked Mon 25-Feb-19 11:08:59

Get a new boyfriend.

maras2 Mon 25-Feb-19 11:09:01

A hike sounds good
Tell him to take one ON HIS OWN.
He sounds unpleasant, however you seem to be rather body shape/size conscious even though you're only just under 9 stone.Be careful.

OftenHangry Mon 25-Feb-19 11:09:10

I am going to be playing devil's advocate here assuming he knows about your eating disorder.

I had a friend with anorexia and later bulimia.
Depending on a day a sentence "You look lovely in this dress" could have gotten 2 possible reactions. 1 "I look fat, don't I?! That's why you 'complimented' me"! " or "You think I am too skinny, don't you?! That's why you 'complicated' me! Why don't you bug out!"
No matter what was said, it usually had a negative effect. And if nothing was said it was the same. Some were accused of jealusy when trying to say that she is getting way too skinny. Even though she ended up in hospital for malnutrition.
We all ended up in a constant fear of saying something or not saying something which would put her on a downward spiral again.

Maybe, he is in a similar situation and his comment on how little you eat may have been that he stupidly said something about food but had a choice between that and
"You eat too little" "What? You want to make me fat!" and "Why don't you have little more?" "What? You want to make me fat!".

It's hard to talk to someone with eating disorder. A simple compliment can turn into a horrible scene. That's maybe why he never compliments your body.

And as one pp said. Maybe the exercise suggestion is not meant as you understood it" You need to lose weight" but as "Exercise helps to body and mind feeling better" and he hopes to build up some muscle on you so you need to eat?

Obviously, it can be what other pp said and he is just a dick.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 11:09:58

@Thatsnotmyotter
I agree ...I don’t see a professional. I’m not paying someone to go back to perceived trauma in my childhood as a possible reason I abuse food.

Further, most females who look a certain way (skinny) have to starve themselves or exercise excessively.

mimibunz Mon 25-Feb-19 11:11:20

He sounds coarse and judgmental. Definitely one for the bin.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 11:12:21

@OftenHangry

He has never said “I like your body” only “I love your tits”.

I haven’t misunderstood. He compliments my clothes. Not me wearing them.

Margot33 Mon 25-Feb-19 11:14:38

He liked it when you hardly eat any food??!!! Big red flag there! You can do much much better.

OftenHangry Mon 25-Feb-19 11:15:32

@SecretProfile but that doesn't mean he doesn't like your body. You can like things without complimenting them. Tbh you really should talk to a professional. Please.
The fact that you eat extra so you could get stomach done is really scary.

SinkGirl Mon 25-Feb-19 11:22:10

*I agree ...I don’t see a professional. I’m not paying someone to go back to perceived trauma in my childhood as a possible reason I abuse food.

Further, most females who look a certain way (skinny) have to starve themselves or exercise excessively*

I mean this in the kindest possible way but you are not well right now. You’re justifying disordered eating in an attempt to control your weight. You’re avoiding confronting the underlying issues related to your disordered eating.

You say your weight would yo-yo - were you in a cycle of binging and starving? You say you deliberately ate yourself up to meet the criteria for surgery - how much weight did you have to gain for this and did you do it so that you didn’t have to eat any more?

Your body still needs energy to live and function. You say you eat very little - just because you are not hungry doesn’t mean you don’t need food. Are you eating enough to sustain you? If not that could definitely be contributing to fatigue and many other health issues (speaking from experience).

If you had to gain a significant amount of weight to get this surgery in order to make it easier to sustain an eating disorder then you absolutely need some intensive professional help.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is the least of your concerns and I really worry for you as I know how hard it is to release yourself from the grip of this awful illness - I nearly got sucked back in myself a few months ago when I had a terrible stomach bug that stopped me from eating and then I couldn’t make myself start again, but I’m through it now because of the treatment I’ve had in the past.

Life doesn’t have to be like this - there is help, and it can be very effective if you pursue it and commit to it. I’m still not 100%, I still struggle with the size and shape of my body (especially since my twins were born) but it doesn’t consume every waking moment any more and I know that my body is not the most important thing about me. I hope you can get to the same place - you are worth it, your health is worth it.

JRMisOdious Mon 25-Feb-19 11:26:59

He didn’t criticise your body. I think he expressed concern that you couldn’t physically manage lunges. In the context of potentially poor health, maybe he’s just worried about you?
The only direct comment about your appearance was complimentary (ok not ideally expressed, but positive not negative nonetheless).

Springisallaround Mon 25-Feb-19 11:32:15

Given you are looking at the world through the lens of an eating disorder and having recently had gastric surgery, it's hard to see if this guy is doing much wrong, I can't get the tone of the comments, and if he comments you see it as negative (wrong comment, wrong body part) and if he doesn't comment you see this as wrong too. Suggesting hiking or gym activities isn't an abnormal thing to do in and of itself, he may also be trying to work out what's going on health-wise. Perhaps you did look tired!

This is all very odd and I agree with whoever said you need professional support in relation to this. I'm not sure this guy is trying to undermine you- it's not as if he's making you do exercises or go on a hike, after all.

Hotterthanahotthing Mon 25-Feb-19 11:34:58

I think this is your problem too.
He has said he likes your eyes,tits and you dress nicely.You discount the dress nicely although this was a positive when your doctor mentioned it.I can't read that he has been negative about your body.
I'm not sure about the exercise as some of these thing he has suggested doing together.
The eating thing is your issue.
You have only known him 5 months so no I would not have expected him to have mentioned the future with you.
If you don't talk to him about how his comments make you feel how is he to know,especially ifexercising is his thing and he wants you to share.
So he's either abusive or already begining to tread eggshells around you so either way this relationship is already over(and at 5months you should be having fun).
Hope your health /eating issues resolve.

Springisallaround Mon 25-Feb-19 11:36:53

Thing is- whatever we all think, you do not have to go out with this person if you don't want to. I don't think we can dig into what's really going on here, he may be supportive but saying the wrong things, he may be a nasty piece of work only interested in your body. We can't know- but you don't need our permission to get out of the relationship if it doesn't feel right to you.

Laylajaney Mon 25-Feb-19 11:44:13

Maybe he finds it attractive when you exercise.It might not be about your wt.

dontgobaconmyheart Mon 25-Feb-19 11:51:32

I don't know OP, perhaps your bias towards being slimmer as a result of ED related feelings has you assuming he thinks you are too large when he very possibly is concerned you are not carrying enough weight. Perhaps the suggestion of swuats/lunges is to build body mass rather than lose it. That might be motivated by shallow misogyny and his sexual preferences or it might be that he is concerned about your health, which from your own description, is not currently where you'd want it to be due to unknown (as yet) reasons.

All that aside of you think he's gaslighting and potentially abusing and is causing you distress or a worsening of your mental health- why are you with him? It doesn't sound as though he is making you happy, or that you feel good about yourself or him. It's only been a few months. If it's not him but it's you perhaps a relationship isn't suitable until you've worked on the issues you have. Either way it seems you're better off without. Not sure I could be bothered with a grown man saying he loved my 'tits' confused

MirriVan Mon 25-Feb-19 11:53:48

He says he likes how I hardly eat any food

And you have an eating disorder...

I don't understand how you can possibly think that this relationship will be good for you.

Get out get out get out!

Also get some help for the eating disorder - your posts before confirming you had it SCREAMED unhealthy relationship with body and food.

Blackbear10 Mon 25-Feb-19 12:02:06

I think the absolutely best thing for you right now would be to get a really decent therapist.

In the nicest possible way you aren’t well, you need help.

Your partner sounds awful but really you need to make your mental health the priority right now.

Laylajaney Mon 25-Feb-19 12:10:27

If you are not happy with him and the things he says to you -simply leave the relationship.
You are not dependant on him for your happiness.
All the best in finding someone who you feel happy with.

WitchesGlove Mon 25-Feb-19 12:12:10

I don’t want to hijack this thread-

But what would be your reaction if a boyfriend told you to ‘dye your grey hair’?

(And in context, you didn’t have much grey hair, but he had more and was also overweight and wore awful glasses)

Willow2017 Mon 25-Feb-19 12:14:53

He randomly told op she should be doing squats then lunges for no apparent reason other than he thought she should be able to do them and its because of his concern?

Because someone having to.take painkillers and is frequently sick just needs a few lunges to sort her out!

I cant do squats due to a health problem does that mean i should try harder or maybe do what i am capable of without someone being sarcastic that i cant?

Op has said he never compliments her apart from her boobs. Thats pretty ummature surely? If you like someone you don't fixate on thier boobs you compliment the person.

Op has had major abdominal surgery squats and lunges are hardly appropriate exercises for her on some gits say so.

Plus they fact he likes that she doesnt eat much when they go out ...wtf massive red flag. That plus the exercise is totally a control thing. Sounds like he wants her to stay skinny by eating less and exercising whether its actually good for her or not.
If someone has had surgery plus fatigue plus an undiagnosed heath problem you offer to go for a nice gentle walk in the sunshine with them, not tell them they need to go on a bloody miles long hike.

Op may have issues with eating but that doesn't give him the right to tell her what to do regarding her own body.

If he was concerned he would be supporting her in her current health issues not pushing her into random exercises he thought of off the top of his head.

IHateUncleJamie Mon 25-Feb-19 12:21:08

Further, most females who look a certain way (skinny) have to starve themselves or exercise excessively.

Honey no, they don’t. Some women are just naturally slim.

I say this with good intentions; you need counselling. Not just to go over the causes of your ED, to build strategies for knowing when your ED is skewing what you think of yourself and other people, and to be able to hear clearly what other people are saying to you and why. The Inner Critic is extremely unhelpful and often a great big liar and you need professional help to see and hear past it.

At the moment it’s difficult for us to judge your BF as your ED might be skewing his intentions. Please do get pro help. Sending hugs. xxx

Aeroflotgirl Mon 25-Feb-19 12:21:35

You need to dump his ass SecretProfile he is nasty and will pull you down. You sound fine, and you have been ill, he should be looking after you and caring for you, not telling you to exercise and that he likes your tits. I assure you, once you dump him, you will feel a lot better.

SecretProfile Mon 25-Feb-19 12:24:35

@BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty mine always mentions how he likes that I do my makeup and get my nails done ....but it makes it hard to see him when I’ve not done myself up

Aeroflotgirl Mon 25-Feb-19 12:25:58

He is only interested in the superficial, and not you. He sounds empty and shallow, not a nice man.

FuerzaAreaUruguay Mon 25-Feb-19 12:26:33

Get rid of him. Take a break from all dating until you have some therapy.

YogaWannabe Mon 25-Feb-19 12:30:07

Definitely bin him and invest in decent therapy.

Off topic but I didn’t think gastric sleeve was the removal of the stomach rather making it a different shape and size?

rachelfrost Mon 25-Feb-19 12:41:15

I don’t think he’s a jerk but doesn’t sound like the boyfriend for you. Lots who exercise regularly often try to encourage others to with good intentions. Granted given your ill health he shouldn’t but maybe he didn’t think it through - so okay maybe he’s a bit of a jerk. No need to get all red flag and gas lighty about it tho.

From the way you assess his behaviour (he likes tits!, mentions when you’ve been to the beautician, sharing meals) it sounds like you’re not at peace with your appearance and are always on the look out for feedback about it. He’s not sensitive to your feelings about your body image and doesn’t support you in the way you need so it’s not a relationship worth sticking with. There’ll be better matches for both of you out there. Good luck

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