To be at my wits end with people judging 3yo ds?

[CailleachBheurh]

Just want a bit of a rant really.

I have a just turned 3yo ds who we strongly suspect is autistic. He is very tall for his age and, particularly now that he looks less babyish, people assume that he is at least a year older than he is.
I'm also a young mum and I feel that because of these two factors (but mostly because he looks older than he is) he gets judged much more harshly for his behaviour than other kids his age.

I took him to a cafe in town today as a treat as he'd been brilliantly behaved while we were shopping. He was mostly pretty well behaved although he did start crying when he got cream on his finger and then he wanted to drink the last of his tea with a teaspoon.
The crying I dealt with very quickly and he was quite happy once his hands had been wiped but let him drink the tea with a teaspoon as he wasn't making a mess or disturbing anyone.
As we were paying on the way out the woman serving me made a comment about how badly behaved he'd been and I felt about ready to start sobbing as I'd just been feeling so proud of him for being well behaved all day.

On the other hand their was another little boy who looked about 3yo as well who spent most of the time running around the tables and the staff were just laughing and smiling at him and telling his family not to worry about it.

I'm just so frustrated that people outside my family don't understand how hard he's trying to be well behaved and I'm so scared he's going to be labelled as the naughty boy once he's started school.

[tinyme77]

Are you sure they weren't talking about the other child?

[user1473878824]

I’m with PP

[Phoenix76]

I’m with pp too!

[janetforpresident]

If you are telling the full story then the woman made the point based on him crying once and using his spoon for his drink? How long was he crying for? It seems a bit odd for her to comment based on a bit of crying

Not that's it's what you asked but does he have decaff tea or is he drinking caffeine?,It seems an odd drink for a 3 year old with behavioural issues.

[helterskelter3]

I have a similarly older looking little boy who has had very ‘challenging’ behaviour in public. People are quick to comment and not very quick to help! Try to ignore them. I used to get really upset but now I just repeat in my head that he’s my priority not them.

[IWonderedLonelyAsACloud]

Are you sure the woman wasnt talking about the other boy? In any case, ignore it. My two are NT and still do silly things like that because they are kids and it is fun. Not you or your ds's problem if some people in the world are miserable arses. Just enjoy. Btw, im not a young mum, but I look younger than my age - I totally get the 'young and judged' paranoia. However, your kids are a reflection of your morals and standards, not your age. Keep on doing as you are. Your ds sounds lovely and you are doing a great job.

[janetforpresident]

Yes actually tinyme has it, that makes more sense.

[fedupandlookingforchange]

He doesn’t sound like he was badly behaved, the other child does though so possibly a mix up as pp suggested.
With regard to schools, do plenty of research, visit the possibilities, talk to other parents some schools are really good at being totally inclusive and ensuring every child does well. It’s a case of finding the right school. Not easy I think I’ll be facing similar issues.

[HolidayQ]

I cant help but think this isnt the full story or the woman had a very different opinion on what happened as it doesnt add up tbh.

This thread sounds rather similar to the one the other day about the child with asd in a cafe who was told to be quiet 🤷‍♀️ child was also 3 I believe.

[Bigonesmallone3]

It seems odd to make such a comment to make when from your op he hasn't actually done anything that would attract a vast amount of attention..
And I'm with PP..
I really don't recommend tea for a 3yo

[Fiveredbricks]

Clearly talking about the other child OP.

[Random18]

She definitely said that?

I would be surprised if a server said that to me especially when leaving.

It sounded as if he behaved well. I have many an experience with my DS when I could cringe with his behaviour.

And others times he has been an absolute dream.

Some people like to moan. It sounds as if you are doing a great job. You picked your battles well today. You stopped the crying quickly but you chose to let the teaspoon go. I would have done the same.

And even if he was really naughty - he’s 3. We’ve all been there.

[Hodgehegg]

Blimey does your 3 year old drink tea?! That's rather grown up! Honestly I dont believe for a second they were talking about your child. He sounds like he did really well at the cafe! Could you have mis heard the woman? If not shes bonkers and id spend my money elsewhere next time.

[CailleachBheurh]

It was definitely aimed at ds.

He was crying very loudly but only for as long as it took me to grab the wipes out of my bag and wipe his hand.

It was full caffeine tea but with loads of milk and no sugar.
He got it at his grandparents once and now it's his favourite drink.
He never gets it at home but if we've been out for the day and he's been particularly well behaved I take him for cake and tea as a treat.

[twooutofthreeaintbad]

Is it possible your used to his bad behaviour that when you think he's been good, others still see it as bad behaviour because you've seen him worse?

[twooutofthreeaintbad]

You really should also be giving him de-caf tea if you must give him it at all

[peachgreen]

This makes no sense. What did she actually say?

[SleepingStandingUp]

Mine would also cry oh he got cream on his finger, so you'd have got a sympathetic look for that and an awwww cute look at him drinking from a spoon (because mine is water and straw only). If the tray of the time he was genuinely good then ignore her. He sounds great

[janetforpresident]

But he wasn't badly behaved!!? If someone commented on my child's behaviour and I disagreed I would challenge them. Assuming this was a child friendly place they have to accept that children cry and as long as it wasn't a prolonged tantrum that you didn't deal with.

Please challenge this in future for your son's sake as he will begin to understand and hear these comments.

[janetforpresident]

And I agree with pp about the decaff tea. He won't taste the difference.

[Stayawayfromitsmouth]

Unless he was running about, knocking things and people over, making loud annoying noises and/or made a massive mess then the server was being an arse.
From your description he sounded like he was very well behaved .
My nearly 3yo likes to finish off my tea.

[user1473878824]

Honestly when you’re saying “aimed” it makes it sound like it was a remark about badly behaved children rather then ‘control your son’, and would have been aimed at the other boy - are you maybe just feeling a bit over sensitive about it?

[Catinthetwat]

Sometimes people who don't have children have a completely unrealistic idea of what children are actually like. Ime once children turn 3, folk don't think they should be crying, ever, about anything. Which is not the reality at all. Ignore the judgement of others as best you can.

On the other had, as pp suggested, is it possible you are not noticing some of his behaviour because you're used to it. What's good behaviour in your eyes, isn't to others? I personally find it hard to get the balance right between good behaviour and realistic behaviour. It's a constant learning curve

[Xmasbaby11]

That sounds tough op. My dd is 7 and has asd. It is harder as they get older and still have toddler tantrums. I think you will have to try to take comments in your stride. I would have probably said something like, I know, it's typical isn't it - he's been so good all day. If you feel a response is needed.

I have a younger dd who is NT who occasionally acts up, but it's much easier for me to disregard negative comments because I don't worry about her behaviour generally. If your ds had a good day overall, take comfort in that.

[keepforgettingmyusername]

I'd have asked to speak to the manager if she made a comment like that to me.