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To be upset at another secret family party.

(114 Posts)
sunshineandsnow Sun 24-Feb-19 19:11:44

I don't know why I'm so upset really. Or surprised.

In an effort not to drip feed, I have included my previous thread about my nutty family.

DD forbidden to attend family party.

Tonight, I thought since it was DMs birthday, I would be nice and pop around with a card and gift for her as a surprise. No one was home. Turns out they've been out for a family day out and lunch, and are now at DSis house for a secret family party.

I know you shouldn't just expect people to be home for you to surprise them. But I'm just sick of all the secrets, like I'm some major criminal or something.

I can't believe this is still going on.

sunshineandsnow Sun 24-Feb-19 19:13:01

And the other old thread!!

My family won't speak to me.

greendale17 Sun 24-Feb-19 19:13:28

That would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

Seriously, why do you want these people in your life still?

sunshineandsnow Sun 24-Feb-19 19:15:31

I actually don't know.

Because that's how it's meant to be?
Because you only get one mum?
Because I'm trying to be a nice person?

WallisFrizz Sun 24-Feb-19 19:15:42

Your parents need to nip this in the bud. Even if they can’t repair the relationship between you and your sister they should not collude in keeping secrets and they shouldn’t be part of large family gatherings in which only you are excluded. They are letting your sister behave like a child.

WillGymForPizza Sun 24-Feb-19 19:16:06

I remember both of your threads. I know this is easier said than done but your family are toxic and you really should consider going no contact. They are treating you like crap.

WakeMeWhenTheyTurn18 Sun 24-Feb-19 19:16:14

I remember your previous thread. It started over a childs sleep over? You are better off without them op. I understand it hurts but i would distance yoirself as much as you can you and dc dont need such toxic personalities in your life x

sunshineandsnow Sun 24-Feb-19 19:17:13

I know you are all right. But I was stupidly trying to be the grown up, be the nice one and now I'm just so sad.

LagunaBubbles Sun 24-Feb-19 19:19:46

Your a mug I'm sorry OP if you think things will ever change. Even though they are family they aren't worth bothering about. In an attempt to be a "nice person" you are setting yourself up to get hurt over and over again by them.

PatchworkElmer Sun 24-Feb-19 19:20:14

I think you need to go NC, at least for now, to protect yourself, and your DD.

I don’t say that flippantly- we’ve been NC with DH’s family for 5 years now .

gettingtherequickly Sun 24-Feb-19 19:20:14

No, please don't do this.
You are worth more than this. They don't deserve you, you have your kids to focus on, and you wouldn't want them treated badly.
One piece of advice that I always go back to is what would you tell your best friend if she came to you with the same issue? Do that.

Drum2018 Sun 24-Feb-19 19:22:15

You've tried. They have ignored your efforts and are a shower of stubborn cunts. Stop trying, focus on your own family unit and make every effort to enjoy life without them in it dragging you down. Go NC for a while to give yourself time to realise how free you will feel without that toxic childish behaviour in your life.

WillGymForPizza Sun 24-Feb-19 19:25:28

Just because people are family it doesn't mean that we have to like them or have a relationship with them. You OP are worth so much more than this. Your DM and Dsis are nasty arseholes.

sunshineandsnow Sun 24-Feb-19 19:25:58

I know it's not what you were saying, but my best friend is of the "you only have one mum" camp, which makes it so much harder.

I've ended up upsetting myself really so I know I deserve no sympathy.

Mookatron Sun 24-Feb-19 19:27:49

This must be really painful.

You need to cut them all out completely. It's the only way to take control and stop being at the mercy of their cruelty. They may not think it's cruelty, for some fucked up reason, but it is, and it's not going to stop. You need to take yourself out of the pattern. flowers

HoptoitDufflepuds Sun 24-Feb-19 19:28:33

My best friend is of the same opinion with her parents. Especially as her dad has Parkinson's she keeps urging me to 'be the bigger person and say sorry'. Sadly my parents pushed me too far and they've not seen the children in at least 18 months. Maybe even 2 years. I haven't see them in over a year. It is bliss. I no longer worry what experience my family is going to get and the reduction in stress has been very welcome.

WillGymForPizza Sun 24-Feb-19 19:32:57

Your best friend is probably one of those people lucky enough to have a nice, normal emotionally healthy mother. Not everyone has that unfortunately.

Quite frankly in your shoes OP I wouldn't have even bothered with a birthday card for your mum.

gottastopeatingchocolate Sun 24-Feb-19 19:33:49

I remember your previous posts.

I understand the "you've only got one mum" mentality, and it really hurts when mum isn't the way you would like.

Sounds like you want to "fix" it in some way - but do you think you actually can? If you asked them to call a truce and draw a line under what had passed, do you think that moving forward would be stress free? Would it all come flooding back at the next birthday?

Only you know.

Spotsandstars Sun 24-Feb-19 19:34:49

But your best friend isn't living your life. She's not experiencing the same issues and pain as what you are. You can't compare apples and oranges.

CouldntThink Sun 24-Feb-19 19:35:49

But they aren’t being nice and couldn’t give a shit about your feelings. So stop.

IDoN0tCare Sun 24-Feb-19 19:37:22

Does your friends family treat her like shit? No? Then she can fuck off. A friend doesn’t try to force their moral opinion on someone who has an abusive family. Just because your mother gave birth to you, that doesn’t give her the right to treat you like shit.

Singlenotsingle Sun 24-Feb-19 19:37:31

What happens if you organise a birthday "do" for you, but dsis not invited? What would happen if she WAS invited?

SpanielEars070 Sun 24-Feb-19 19:38:38

The thing is OP, the only person getting hurt here is you.

I'm NC with my sister and it's utterly crap. But it's better than being in touch and the constant digs/barbs and criticisms of everything I do.

You have to put your own feelings first here. No one can do that but you flowers

sunshineandsnow Sun 24-Feb-19 19:39:15

Oh, I don't know...I've never done anything for my birthday!

sunshineandsnow Sun 24-Feb-19 19:40:33

I've been very minimal contact since the last family event I was banned from. I don't know, it just feels like I'm being the bad one to go completely NC. I just thought I'd try to do something nice.

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