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To be Hurt by this

(80 Posts)
apple319 Sun 24-Feb-19 16:06:44

Name changed for this because lots of family members on here would be to revealing otherwise.

So basically my MIL has 6 Sons. My husband being the 5th son. I try so hard to keep MIL happy and involved in our lives i make an effort to see her once a week. she is elderly but lives with younger BIL and his wife and family. However i always feel like we have a nice relationship when there no one else around if that makes sense. Say for example its a family gathering the other BIL's wives are there she doesnt seem to acknowledge my existence but treats the others so nicely. I dont know why im letting it bother me so much we been married 5 years i should be used to it but its like she physically goes outif her way to demean me in front of others. We are from an asian backgroud. my marriage was arranged and our marriage is verh strong. when i speak to dh about it he tells me its just way his dm is and to ignore it not let it get to me. Anyway what set me off today is she went away on holiday for 2 weeks came back on friday we had family gathering today and after lunch she has been handing out gifts to everyone apart from me and my son. She even bought hubby a shirt matching the other brothers. she bought other SILs maxi dresses each and their kids tops. the worse thing about it is i actually really love her. i spent entire day on friday cleaning her house making sure new bedding on food in house cooked they got home late due to delays to flight. my DS absolutely adores her but she seems to really not like us not sure why? currently sitting in bathroom waiting for tears to subside maybe im reading to much into it all😞

apple319 Sun 24-Feb-19 16:09:07

was meant to add my DH jokingly asked his dm how come there isnt anything there for us. she replied saying they don't need anything and quickly left the room.

JassyRadlett Sun 24-Feb-19 16:14:31

I’m a bit shocked your husband let her get away with that, TBH.

If it were just you bring affected I’d be inclined to say ignore it, let it wash over you, etc etc. But she’s also bullying and excluding your child. Treating kids like that is totally unacceptable in my book, and I’d be drawing way back from her to protect your child.

Stop trying to please her and show her you love her and that she should love you. It just gives her power to hurt you.

Judeslife Sun 24-Feb-19 16:17:58

Agree with Jassy.

You're not being unreasonable, appalling to bring your son into it to. Although, I've also grown up in an Asian family and have / still do see my mum, aunts, female cousins etc. All subject to these quite bitchy, manipulative behaviours.

Definitely stop doing so much for her and just focus on looking after your son and letting him know he's loved. Easier said than done, but in my experience, it all calms down when you stop reacting to it at all.

Saying that- it all put me off an arranged / introduced marriage for life!

HollowTalk Sun 24-Feb-19 16:18:07

Well, I wouldn't be cleaning her house!

She's nice to you when nobody else is there because she needs you then. She's actually not a nice person at all.

Jengnr Sun 24-Feb-19 16:20:07

I wouldn’t bother with her. She treats you badly. Spend time with nice people instead.

BartonHollow Sun 24-Feb-19 16:24:44

Gosh OP that's quite heartbreaking to read sadthanks

What do your SILs and DH say?

Do you have at least one supportive SIL out of the bunch who might say

"Where's Apples MIL?"

Or text :

"Oh Apple I am so sorry, after all your efforts"

And your DH should point this out to her privately

Apple loves you and works so hard, why are you needlessly mean?

HumptyNumptyNooNoo Sun 24-Feb-19 16:32:18

I had a friend who's MIL was like this. In the end she found out from another DIL that the mother considered her son had married beneath him and therefore she had no respect for my friend. (I don't think their marriage was arranged ? This might make i difference I guess . )

I would take this public affront as my que to stop helping her and including her in any way shape or form if I were you. She's made her choice . Let her live with it .

weltenbummler Sun 24-Feb-19 16:35:58

YANBU at all to be hurt by your MIL's appalling behaviour. stop doing so much for her in the hope this will change her attitude towards her. it is your husband and his siblings who should call her out on her mistreatment of you

StoneofDestiny Sun 24-Feb-19 16:37:46

There doesn't seem much loveable about her from what you say. I'm not impressed your husband tolerates such disrespect to his you.
I'd certainly not be cleaning for her!

I'd have a frank conversation between you and your husband
I'd then sit down as a united front with her, then I'd cut some distance - let the next contact come from her.

apple319 Sun 24-Feb-19 17:10:03

on way home now we left before everyone else. just told dh i can't carry on like this especially as she doing it towards our ds. i can see his upset i have told him i aint stopping him to have relationship with her and we both know full well i have tried to have a relationship with her but for me and ds we are done. i will be civil with her but no more.

Spudina Sun 24-Feb-19 17:18:20

What a horrid situation OP. I think you have made the right decision as hard as it may be. This woman has no love for you. The gift episode was spiteful and mean, pure and simple. Wishing you all the best OP.

weltenbummler Sun 24-Feb-19 17:23:48

your DH should be upset with your MIL, not upset with you for your decision not to let your MIL walk all over you in public anymore

7yo7yo Sun 24-Feb-19 17:30:13

Yeah your trying too hard op.
She’s a nasty bitch.
Don’t phone her, don’t make any effort.
Even when your together give her a fake hug (tap on the back).
Never do anything for her, let the 5 wives she appreciates do it.
I know only too well that no matter what you do she’ll never love and respect you.
Let DH see her when he wants but you take a big step back.

AfterSchoolWorry Sun 24-Feb-19 17:32:01

she replied saying they don't need anything

Not that it should matter but are you significantly better off than the others?

Anyway, your DH needs to speak to her and get to the bottom of it.

It sounds so upsetting.

apple319 Sun 24-Feb-19 17:34:50

I think Dh is upset with his dm and upset with situation. i think its because her other daughter in laws are beautiful soon after my marriage i overheard her telling distant cousins my(dh name) wife is just not pretty Like the others she dark etc. i remember being pregnant at the time and cried 2 days straight. dh did speak to her at that time since than she never said anything loke that within my earshot but i always felt im in adequate to them all.

apple319 Sun 24-Feb-19 17:37:21

@afterschool no we are not better off in fact more recently we have been struggling financially due to our disabled child and dh changing jobs and me losing my job as company closed. it was never about needing a new top for my child or dress for myself its just the principle the other brothers are definitely more well off than myself

weltenbummler Sun 24-Feb-19 17:43:28

if your MIL is so shallow that she judges people on "beauty" is it possible she maybe is also judgemental about your DS disability... somehow blaming you?

AfterSchoolWorry Sun 24-Feb-19 17:44:10

What a horrible, nasty woman. I would not make any more effort with her. So sorry OP.

SayNoToCarrots Sun 24-Feb-19 17:47:08

In that case she's a nasty bitch and doesn't deserve your love. Nothing more miserable than chasing someone who secretly doesn't like you, and that includes being openly hated by that person.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty Sun 24-Feb-19 17:49:03

Could she be old fashioned enough to think its your fault hes disabled? Then again, she was rude when you were pregnant.

Dont ever make that sort of effort for her again. Im so sorry. She really doesnt seem to realise how much love and care you have put into her and how much youve genuinely loved her. Its her loss, OP. And Im sorry youve had so much go tits up too.

IWonderedLonelyAsACloud Sun 24-Feb-19 17:54:19

If it makes you feel any better, op, my fil did the same to me a few years back. He went to America on business, bought everyone else in the family a gift and gave them out publically to all except me. He actually said 'sorry there wasn't anything for girls' when dh asked where my gift was. Only his dds both had gifts. hmm I said absolutely nothing, continued chatting and being jovial but it was upsetting. Not because I wanted a gift, but because the deliberate exclusion was because my ils don't particularly like me and realising that was a bit of a hammer blow. Like you, they think their son married someone who wasn't good enough for him. I don't think it is always cultural either - we are white. What it did do, was free me. I don't make the effort that I once did. I dont feel obligated to agree to things I dont want to do to keep them happy. Let this be a turning point for you. You are free now. Your skin tone has nothing to do with why your mil doesnt like you. She doesn't like you because she is a mean, old fashioned, stuck up bitchlington. It is her problem, not yours. Your dh shoukd challenge her on the unfair way she has treated your son though. He is her grandchild and should be treated equally.

Motherofcreek Sun 24-Feb-19 17:56:37

welten you took the words right out of my mouth.

You dh should be furious with her

AlwaysCheddar Sun 24-Feb-19 17:59:21

Stop doing anything for her for starters. Get your dh to ask why she’s such a bitch to you and your son.

apple319 Sun 24-Feb-19 19:09:57

If i am honest i do think she dislikes my son because he is not her idea of a 'normal' child. however towards me she has been that way since day one. it was part of the reason we moved out. she hated that. as much as it hurts i do believe today has changed the way i will be towards her from now on. luckily my family qre close by and very supportive and my DS gets a lot of love and attention. it is sad for dh but i cant carry on like this anymore.

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