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Would this upset you ?

(76 Posts)
Shazafied Sun 24-Feb-19 15:23:50

I might be overreacting because I'm tired and hormonal but ...

My family are going on holiday the week that my baby is due.

I have a 14 mo dd and am due in first week of may with dd2.

My brother recently contacted me to say that he, my other brother, both their wives and my dad want to book a holiday cottage in the Hebrides (I live in north east England) for the first week of may. They already seemed to have planned it but at that point it was unclear if it had been booked or not.

I replied that I might be busy that week.... no response. Then I replied again and said my baby is due that week, how could we possibly come ? He said "oh, we all thought your baby was due in March". No apology. I replied again and said we'd like to be included, could they look at something at a time that means we can come ... no response.

My mother wasn't included as she and my father don't speak...but I've since found out from her that it has indeed been booked now. I have tried to call my dad to say I'm upset - no answer. I've sent a message saying "are you going on holiday in may too?" And no response. He's probably a bit ashamed.

To make matters worse my mum has announced that she's going to America for a four week holiday from me being 34-38 weeks. My last baby came at 38 weeks. This is despite me telling my mum that I was disappointed by the actions of the rest of the family.

We have no family on my DH side and I just feel like none of them give a shit. What if something went wrong / we need a few days help with dd1 ? Am I being unreasonable expecting them to try and be around... at least my parents ? They all live about 2 hours away from me.

This comes off the back of my whole family (except my mum and aunt) forgetting my daughters first birthday , despite me posting on FB loads in the run up ("can't believe she's going to be 1 next week!") .... I have without fail remembered my nieces and nephews birthdays, even when I was so skint I made cards and gifts myself ! And none of them EVER ask how my dd1 are or how my pregnancy is going.

I am very tired today with spd and dd1 poor sleep, husband working all weekend, so I guess just feeling a bit alone .

Would you be upset about the above / say something or am I being precious ? X

C1rrus Sun 24-Feb-19 15:26:28

You’re not being precious but you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

notanothernam Sun 24-Feb-19 15:29:34

I can understand your frustration with your dad and brother and would be interested to see what your dad replies with. But you're being unfair on your mum, it's your second child, she's due back before you're due, even if she's a few days late what does it really matter in the scheme of things? She probably thought you'd have baby around week 38 and has timed to be back a decent time?

Anique105 Sun 24-Feb-19 15:30:48

I think that yabu to expect them all to plan a holiday around when you have a baby? Surely it's what is most convenient especially
If kids are in school etc? And besides going with a newborn isn't going to be fun for anyone. What if there are activities you cant do, would you get upset?

Did you specifically ask your mum to be around? If you did then yanbu about her.

If you feel that you are always let down then maybe keep a little distance.

Shazafied Sun 24-Feb-19 15:33:26

Yes I had specifically asked my mum to be around .

None do the kids are school age yet - all very young.

Shazafied Sun 24-Feb-19 15:34:14

It would have been nice to be included , I don't see why we could not go to stay in a cottage with a baby.

Tomtontom Sun 24-Feb-19 15:37:07

You're knackered so you're going to take things personally, that's understandable. But you are unreasonable to expect them to arrange holidays around you.

Shazafied Sun 24-Feb-19 15:37:49

I should add that I had a very traumatic birth with dd1 and they all know this!

Perhaps I'm being a bit self pitying though, like I say I'm very tired and emotional today.

Shazafied Sun 24-Feb-19 15:39:45

But surely if someone says "we're planning a holiday would you like to come - how about X week? " and you say "that's my due date"... they should perhaps look at other weeks that work for everyone ?

Birdsgottafly Sun 24-Feb-19 15:42:23

So have they booked before or after the May Day Bank Holiday?

That might have worked out better for taking time off work and the pricing of the cottage.

I don't think they've done anything wrong, tbh. They hadn't been put into a plan in regards to your Birth.

You've planned a very small age gap and I don't think you can expect others to put plans on hold. What if you had an unwell baby, or bad Birth? The holiday might never had happened.

Your Mum, I'm not sure. It depends on how her holiday has happened and is she your childcare or birth partner?

MRex Sun 24-Feb-19 15:44:36

YANBU, they're not being kind. It sounds like they don't make much effort with DD1. Do they often leave you out as well? Maybe you're giving more than you're getting in some of these relationships.

Anique105 Sun 24-Feb-19 15:50:36

No I still think yabu. You might feel that you are ok to manage with a new baby, but it changes the dynamic for everyone else. I would never expect anyone to arrange a holiday around my new baby.

Birdsgottafly Sun 24-Feb-19 15:51:13

Rereading it, it doesn't sound as if you are close to your Brothers or Dad, it would be better to accept it and move on.

What is your Dad's response whenever you tell him that you are upset?

IncrediblySadToo Sun 24-Feb-19 15:55:37

YANBU. Not at all 🌷

If you’re arranging a FAMILY holiday, it’s generally considered a good idea to make sure the dates work for EVERYONE in the family.

If your DAUGHTER has asked you to be around for her birth it’s normal NOT to book a bloody holiday when she’s going to be 38 weeks pregnant.

They all sound thoughtless, selfish, stupid and plain bloody horrible.

Stop making the (unreciprocated) effort with them all.

Focus on your little family and strengthening friendships. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves 🌷

Make some arrangements for Dd should you need someone to care for her while you’re having the baby. I’ve had lots of friends kids for them so they don’t have to worry about it.

If you don’t have anyone you feel you can ask then you’ll need to pay someone. Plenty of nannies will do this but will generally only be able to offer certain days or maybe bring their child with them.

Obviously it’s not ideal but it is what it is.

Best of luck with this birth 🌷

TwitterQueen1 Sun 24-Feb-19 15:59:54

I'm afraid I do think YABU. You seem to be expecting everyone else to arrange their lives around your baby. Maybe they don't want to go on a holiday with a newborn? Maybe your mother doesn't want to put her life on hold and give up a 4 week holiday.

Your baby is obviously the most important thing in the world to you - but it's not to everyone else, family or not. "I was ill before." "I was early before." "People aren't responding on FB." "No presents..." Yes, in an ideal world it would be lovely to have everyone running round after you, but it's not an ideal world...

Shazafied Sun 24-Feb-19 16:04:27

I think the thing that has upset me the most is that I was asked if those dates worked for us and said no... asked if we could look at a different time etc and have been practically blanked since. Yet it clearly going ahead with everyone else attending (with multiple toddlers).
I don't expect people to plan their lives around me but am kind of disappointed at being cut out and total lack of interest.

And yes , we might not have been able to go if I had a poorly newborn etc but surely that a different issue ? In terms of alternative dates I would not have suggested the 2 week of may.

EllenJanesthickerknickers Sun 24-Feb-19 16:10:52

I think other posters are being harsh. I’d be upset. If nothing else there may be nobody to look after your DD1 except your DH, so he may have to miss the birth.

I’d get some friends lined up to help out in case DC2 comes a bit early. And make a life for your nuclear family that doesn’t involve your extended family so much.

Springwalk Sun 24-Feb-19 16:11:01

Op YANBU. At all. You have asked your DM to be around for the birth, she has agreed and then booked a holiday very close to your due date, knowing you are likely to feel anxious about her being back in time if your baby arrives early like last time. Yes she may say she was taking he opportunity before the baby’s arrival, so she could help you afterwards? Still doesn’t explain why it is so close to your due date.

Your family booking a family holiday without you is pretty shitty if they knew you wanted to go. The fact they seem unaware of your due date seems off, but not surprising given they couldn’t even manage to remember dd 1st birthday.

Your family are crap in a word.

They don’t care very much about you or your dc. I would be going low contact and start planning your life without them. If you have your own plans then you likely to care a lot less sbout their indifference.

I have a fanily just like this, selfish.
I see them twice a year and this stops me feeling hurt by them, I have zero expectation, and it is liberating.

BoomBoomsCousin Sun 24-Feb-19 16:14:08

There are a couple of ways to organise a holiday with others, there’s the one where you’re thinking “We should all go away together, I wonder what will suit everyone.” And there’s the one where you’re thinking “ I really fancy going away this May. I wonder if Favourite Relatives would like to come too.” I suspect this holiday is more of the latter than the former.

Since you asked her specifically (and she presumably said yes) I think your mother’s trip to the US is less understandable. Even there, though, what were you actually wanting from her? What weeks would have been acceptable for her to go away? She’s planned it so she’s back well in time for the due date and your other family don’t go away until after she’s back.

I appreciate when you’re tired and pregnant it can all feel overwhelming, but I don’t think it’s really about them dismissing you. They’re just getting on with their lives while you are sitting waiting for this big event.

Your family aren’t being mean, I don’t think, but they aren’t meeting your expectations for how to behave. It sounds like they are geographically closer to each other and you’re more invested in strong extended family relationships stretching across that distance and they are all a bit more nuclear family? Neither is wrong exactly, but in this situation it is always you that will end up getting shortshrift. I think you have to adjust if you don’t want to feel constantly disappointed.

BartonHollow Sun 24-Feb-19 16:14:43

I really can't tell if you're unreasonable or not because I come from a family with certain levels of dysfunction

BUT

As a family we all do our own stuff and I wouldn't necessarily expect anyone to drop plans for me, but then I have lower expectations.

If 3 family members booked a trip I couldn't go to I'd be hurt but I'd probably see it as par for the course.

If my DM did book a holiday around my due date (I doubt this would ever happen tbh she'd be glued to the corridor) but I'd have to be pleased for her because she gets so little holidays and is always giving up what she wants for others and particularly if I had a good DH and it wasn't my first

Neither of my DGMs gave my DM much support with her newborns, she and they both came from the "get on with it" era

I think YAN being entirely U but there are aspects of wanting to be at the centre of other people's choices that is a bit U

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Sun 24-Feb-19 16:16:36

YANBU. You will get a lot of replies telling you that you're entitled for expecting any support or consideration whatsoever from your family. But in the real world, it's actually not unusual for families to help one another out and plenty of Grandparents would be more than happy to be on hand to take care of older DGC during the birth or to help with the new arrival.

Artesia Sun 24-Feb-19 16:21:18

* In terms of alternative dates I would not have suggested the 2 week of may.*

They may have thought that wasn’t very realistic- you may be up to 2 weeks late, have a C Section etc

Rspu3 Sun 24-Feb-19 16:21:49

It is a little mean to have booked on your due date, does t your mom or dad want to see your baby when they are first born?
But then again my sister is like this about her children’s birthdays i booked a holiday and it landed on my neeses birthday and she went mad, I also help out with childcare while she works so she tried to tell me I couldn’t go on holiday while it was the 6 weeks I told her to fuckoff lol.
Birth of your baby is a bit different though but tbh you can’t dxpect everyone to revolve around you, maybe they could only book that week?

BoomBoomsCousin Sun 24-Feb-19 16:24:39

I think the thing that has upset me the most is that I was asked if those dates worked for us and said no... asked if we could look at a different time etc and have been practically blanked since. Yet it clearly going ahead with everyone else attending (with multiple toddlers).

They are probably embarrassed they got your due date wrong and they should be) and don’t really know what to say. They are handling it very poorly though.

OP Your feelings of being left out and dismissed and not cared about may be right. But these events by themselves are very easily explainable by a much less dramatic reading of your family just not being that organized about keeping up with your life at a distance. People can be very out of sight out of mind. It’s pretty natural and very common.

Shazafied Sun 24-Feb-19 16:25:11

What were you actually wanting from her? What weeks would have been acceptable for her to go away? She’s planned it so she’s back well in time for the due date

I was wanting her to be around at the time of birth, for support and to help with dd1 - this is what we agreed. She's getting back at 38 weeks which is exactly when I had dd1 so I feel it's cutting it a bit fine . Obviously she can do what she wants but is retired and has no commitments so very flexible. But as people are pointing out, perhaps I'm being entitled !

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