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To think that this mother would be better off putting child in care

(32 Posts)
Fimty Sun 24-Feb-19 14:07:53

An acquaintance I know, single mum usually an ok mum and quite loving with the child as far as I've seen. I know she's dealt with mental health stuff before and it's clear the child is SN. She said she called him a 'nasty creature' and keeps screaming and shouting at him the last couple of weeks. She said she feels like she can't cope and the child would be better off in care. AIBU to think she might be right?

KennDodd Sun 24-Feb-19 14:10:51

I don't think 'just but child in care' exists as an option. It's not like a nursery.

newmun Sun 24-Feb-19 14:11:41

She needs support.

GregoryPeckingDuck Sun 24-Feb-19 14:11:48

Is she perhaps just suffering from anxiety? I would t put a child into care over something that could be managed with medication.

RippleEffects Sun 24-Feb-19 14:12:16

If she's usually an okay mum then what she needs is support. There are options between giving a child up and not doing anything. Temporary foster care maybe an option. Does she have any support?

TooManyPaws Sun 24-Feb-19 14:14:35

She can refer herself to social work, even under child protection or herself as an adult not coping. She obviously isn't coping and both she and the child need help. If the child is SN, there will be a wide range of options for help, ranging from adaptations to respite.

girraffeduck Sun 24-Feb-19 14:15:01

No child is really better off in care. If they found the child fabulous foster parents yes the child might thrive but they're not like dogs you find a kennel for while you go on holiday... child is bonded to a mother who would be very much missed

So what if she has MH, so do 1 in 4, with some support... no reason why she can't be and won't be the best person to parent her DS

Sounds like she does need some support though

NuffSaidSam Sun 24-Feb-19 14:15:08


The best course of action for a normally good mother who is struggling is support, maybe respite care.

Not abandoning the child to the care system.

RomanyQueen1 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:17:21

She needs support, bless her. Why don't you ask her what you can do to help.
YABVU, just because somebody is struggling atm doesn't make them an unfit parent.

Springwalk Sun 24-Feb-19 14:24:46

Support and tons of it. Are you doing anything to help? Is anyone?
If she were my friend I would start doing a lot more to help, she sounds like she is at the end of her tether.

No child is ever better off in care

Springwalk Sun 24-Feb-19 14:25:16

Unless they are being severely neglected and abused.

Tvci5 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:29:26

Home start is an amazing charity who offer support, maybe you could look into seeing if there is a group near by?

BrizzleMint Sun 24-Feb-19 14:31:06

She needs support a darn sight more than she needs judgmental bitches women starting threads about her on social media.

Home77 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:34:48

I grew up with a mum saying similar and it was very tough, she and the child need support, mine didn't get any unfortunately.

WhoNose88 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:35:09

Raising a child with SN is really hard - that's why a lot of Dads do a runner and leave the Mums to do it alone (sorry, from my experience it has always been that way round, but I'm sure there are Dads on their own with SN kids too).

Luckily my DH has stayed and been a supportive co-parent, but even despite that we've had our ups and downs and it's been hard. I can't imagine how much harder it is when there's no one else to give you a break sometimes.

Help her, it sounds like she's struggling. If someone helps, even with a bit of company or the occasional night off, it will allow her to parent better. It won't help either her or her child to put the child in care - they still need a parent!

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sun 24-Feb-19 14:37:20

Yes much better to pass a child round the care system of random strangers than support a usually loving mother who’s having a hard time hmm

ATBhinchers Sun 24-Feb-19 14:39:03

Unless this is a weird backwards way of posting about your own situation then YABU

LuckyLou7 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:40:31

She needs help and support. Taking her child away to be looked after by others or to live in a residential home would be a last resort, and traumatic for both the child and the mother.
See what help is available in your community for her and her child. Offer to help yourself perhaps?
With a decent support network around her, this woman may find motherhood a lot easier.

Ribbonsonabox Sun 24-Feb-19 14:41:34

No of course not! She needs support not the child taken away from a mother who loves it. Taking a child from its mother is a last resort in extreme circumstances because it is so traumatic and can be far damaging than whatever problems are going on at home... so unless the problems are severe it's best to work with the mother on her parenting skills and her mental health issues.... YABVU

Gingerkittykat Sun 24-Feb-19 14:46:31

You seem to think the care system is a good place to grow up.

Unfortunately the child would not be likely to have one stable placement and would be passed around. It's not the fault of the foster carers, just the way it is.

Add in the emotional damage to the child of being removed from their attachment figure and it is possible you have a child who will end up more damaged.

It sounds like she is at the end of her rope and needs support, the child also needs support to deal with what is happening in his home environment.

WhatTheNightBrings Sun 24-Feb-19 14:47:15

Yep, there's an abundance of funded care places for children who clearly HAVE undiagnosed SN.

Millions of them.

If she keeps her receipt, it'll get her a burger and fries for £1.99 too hmm

Yabbers Sun 24-Feb-19 14:48:21

Yes, YABU. What a horrible question to ask. Surely your main concern should be, how you can help her.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka Sun 24-Feb-19 14:51:28

She needs support not judgement. Woman sounds like she’s at the end of her rope but no they won’t just put her child in care, there isn’t an infinit amount of resources for that and believe it or not, it can often be hugely damaging for a child in the care system which is why its usually quite rightly, a last resort.

Missingstreetlife Sun 24-Feb-19 14:53:52

She could ask for professional help, start with school or gp, even social services. Nspcc may know other rescources in your area, parents groups, special playgroups or clubs...

DoneLikeAKipper Sun 24-Feb-19 14:56:24

Single parent, mental health, special needs - it’s like goady fucker bingo here.

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