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To make dd wear the same outfits to four Bat Mitzvahs?

(81 Posts)
Dillydallyding Sun 24-Feb-19 12:07:08

Dd is in Year 8 - her school has a significant Jewish minority and she has lots of Jewish friends. Four of these friends are having their Bat Mitzvahs over the next 4-5 months.

I understand that she needs a more formal outfit for the synagogue services, and then a party dress for afterwards.

As dd has had a huge growth spurt in the last year, she’s grown out of most of her clothes, so doesn’t currently have anything appropriate.

I told her yesterday that we would go shopping next weekend to find a party dress and an outfit appropriate for the services. But dd is insisting that she needs different outfits for each Bat Mitzvah as ‘it will be so embarrassing if she’s wearing the same thing at all of them as none of her friends will be’.

We aren’t exactly strapped for cash at the moment, but it seems very wasteful to buy her a different dress for each Bat Mitzvah.

AIBU?

sashh Mon 25-Feb-19 07:59:19

Another idea, what about getting a couple of her friends together, go out shopping with them and parents. Each gets two outfits but they lend to each other for the different parties?

Interested how many people insist they would never wear a dress to more than one event, would also go to a charity shop to buy a wedding outfit.

I would and have. When I lived in Oxford I got ball gowns from charity or second hand shops.

The last wedding I went to my outfit was from ebay as was the dress I wore for the last Christening I went to.

As I'm 50+ the 'mother of the bride' section on ebay is my go to for formal clothing.

Often the outfit has been worn once and dry cleaned so good as new.

SchadenfreudePersonified Sun 24-Feb-19 19:17:28

Believability

That first wine red and the last royal blue playsuit are lovely - makes me with I was thirteen again (and I never thought I'd say that! grin)

bigcomfypants Sun 24-Feb-19 16:56:30

DD wore the same outfit for 7 BM's in a year. And yes, I have been wearing the same dress to every wedding for the last 10 years. Its bullshit.
This man wore the same suit for a year and no one noticed:
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/womens-blog/2014/nov/17/male-tv-presenter-same-suit-year-female-colleagues-judged

Yabbers Sun 24-Feb-19 16:53:27

ppl want different outfits for special events because they think they'll be laughed at if they don't.

@manicinsomniac Sorry, there was a slight typo which may have led to a misunderstanding. My first line should have been "it does matter if it shouldn't matter"

If someone wants to wear a different outfit because they like to buy new stuff, that's fine (albeit, still wasteful if outfits are left barely worn).

But the OP and others are talking about the stigma of doing so which is quite a different issue.

manicinsomniac Sun 24-Feb-19 16:39:33

Buy yabbers that argument is only a concern if you think that ppl want different outfits for special events because they think they'll be laughed at if they don't. I'm sure that's a reason for some but it won't be the only or most common one. People like wearing new and different things. It makes them feel good, adds to a sense of occasion, makes it more fun etc.

There are many things we could keep the same without harm that many prefer to change. Many people dont want to eat the same dinner more than twice a week, go to the same bar or restaurant each time they go out or go on holiday to the same place four times either. It wouldn't do them any harm to do so but it doesn't hurt to have variety either.

And image and identity is important to many. Not just because of what others think but because of how it makes them express themselves and feel about themselves too. People who are happy to wear the same outfit to every formal occasion aren't worse people than others and shouldn't be teased or belittled. But they aren't better people whose choices need encouraging either.

SpoonBlender Sun 24-Feb-19 15:46:20

The whole "must have a different dress or be judged" has always worked very well for me to reveal the sort of shallow-minded nitwits who I will never give any sort of shit about. It's utter nonsense, and a horrible sexist attitude that no-one should encourage. You don't see boys being judged for wearing the same suit twice.

Yabbers Sun 24-Feb-19 15:43:56

It doesn't matter that it shouldn't matter or that nothing terrible will happen etc. It makes many, esp younger people, less confident and awkward which stops them enjoying the event as much.

It does matter that it shouldn't happen. We are supposed to be raising our girls to be confident, independent people but we keep saying it's ok to buy into and pander to the mean girl culture. That it's ok to do something just because others might think something bad. It's all over MN that we shouldn't let our partners dictate what we wear, because it's abusive and controlling, but it's entirely acceptable to say teen girls should conform to norms in society because what would our friends say if we didn't? They must have just the right hair, nails, shoes, clothes, make up or the mean girls will be mean to them. What's that teaching our girls?

Something terrible will happen. There will be yet another chip, chip, chip away at a girl's confidence to wear what she wants to wear because of fear of what others might say. And all the while the mountain of clothes barely used and sent to waste, grows and precious resource wasted in making more.

Teaching a child to be confident in their own choices is by far the best lesson you can give them.

Believability Sun 24-Feb-19 15:43:57

A skater dress and denim jacket or cardigan is fine for services

Believability Sun 24-Feb-19 15:43:00

Trust me you want something like this with trainers

www.boohoo.com/boutique-crochet-detail-high-neck-playsuit/DZZ42405.html?color=104

www.newlook.com/uk/womens/clothing/playsuits-jumpsuits/black-strappy-button-front-playsuit/p/614639601?comp=Browse

Again with trainers

www.asos.com/asos-petite/asos-design-petite-frill-hem-self-stripe-cami-playsuit/prd/11117736?clr=sage&SearchQuery=&cid=13894&gridcolumn=1&gridrow=12&gridsize=2&pge=1&pgesize=72&totalstyles=86

www.newlook.com/uk/girls/clothing/playsuits-jumpsuits/girls-blue-bardot-playsuit/p/611873540?comp=Browse

DS has worn this one to death

Believability Sun 24-Feb-19 15:34:26

She doesn’t need formal for either. A skirt and top and trainers are fine for services. boohoo is your friend for the parties, get her a couple of jumpsuits or play suits and a pair of trainers, she will know what all the girls are wearing.

The batmitzvah girl will be in full on sparkles, the other girls will be in cheap and cheerful

EastEndQueen Sun 24-Feb-19 15:32:49

I second all the suggestions of two or three options with accessory options and looking on eBay. I remember Bat mitzvah year at school and there is lot of focus on outfits, which I imagine has only for more with social media now.

Does she have an allowance or earn chore money? My mother used to do a thing once we were in our teens where we could do extra chores (silver polishing, car washing, sorting out cupboards, spring cleaning type stuff and also doing things for neighbours/ close family friends) for clothes money and she would double whatever we earnt. We got our ‘standard’ clothes bought for us but this allowed us to get things like this

Sanguineclamp Sun 24-Feb-19 15:30:12

Second hand can be great if you have a fairly standard figure. Otherwise it can be difficult. And I think you could probably buy a high street dress and accessorize it cheaper than hiring something nowadays.

A reasonable compromise would be, if possible, to buy one other outfit so she can alternate. And buy smart separates so it's multi-functional for other occasions.

Rubusfruticosus Sun 24-Feb-19 15:26:41

Would you wear the same dress to four weddings that all your friends will be at every time? I would, if I'd found something I loved I'd wear it to every suitable occasion, why not?

Elodiesflower Sun 24-Feb-19 15:23:57

All I can think of whilst reading this is that episode of the Simpsons where Marge finds the designer dress and wears it repeatedly making minor adjustments along the way.

I’d buy her 2 formal outifts and 4 dresses. Loads cheap on eBay

BartonHollow Sun 24-Feb-19 15:21:48

I once got sneered at age 12 for wearing the same outfit on non uniform day that I'd worn before on a previous one.

I understand it's a bothersome expense but if you're thinking it won't be noticed or matter it will and some nasty madam will make a comment

manicinsomniac Sun 24-Feb-19 15:19:43

Definitely yes to second hand. I've got 3 daughters. I and they love clothes. We have loads. Not a single thing (bar underwear!) was new and if I have to pay more than £10 for an item of clothing I practically break put into a cold sweat!

Having said that, I would and have repeated wedding/formal outfits many times. But I wouldn't do it for 4 events in the same year with the same attendees. And I certainly wouldn't expect a teenager to do so. These kknds of things matter to them. And to many adults. It doesn't matter that it shouldn't matter or that nothing terrible will happen etc. It makes many, esp younger people, less confident and awkward which stops them enjoying the event as much.

EssentialHummus Sun 24-Feb-19 14:13:54

Please check out the types of Shuls (temple synagogue) where the mitzvah's are happening

Yup. At a reform synagogue the dress code may be very relaxed.

I would wear the same thing to a wedding, so I personally would go for one skirt and 2-3 nice tops in your shoes. And make sure she's comfy! I remember my mum insisting on a Chinese outfit and heels for one bat mitzvah I went to, I had blisters for a week after! confused

sash I didn't know Oxfam sold online, thanks for that!

Yabbers Sun 24-Feb-19 14:10:27

Interested how many people insist they would never wear a dress to more than one event, would also go to a charity shop to buy a wedding outfit.

Elzbells Sun 24-Feb-19 14:08:39

You need to find out the dress code for your area. Where I live they are all in play suits and trainers - only the girl celebrating her batty gets dressed up in sequins etc.

My daughter is at a Jewish school so we are already on No. 12 bat mitzvah of Y7.

Shul can just be a modest dress/skirt.

radishingravish Sun 24-Feb-19 14:08:23

I would give her a budget for all of the dresses. Then she can choose whether she wants 2 more expensive dresses or 8 from somewhere cheaper like Primark.

MIdgebabe Sun 24-Feb-19 14:03:27

You NEED different outfits ? Why? Will someone get hurt if they see the same dress? Is there something in law?

TinklyLittleLaugh Sun 24-Feb-19 14:03:10

Use EBay and sell them straight after. Needn’t cost much at all.

labazsisgoingmad Sun 24-Feb-19 14:02:31

perhaps a couple basic plain skirts and mixture of tops so you can mix and max

SileneOliveira Sun 24-Feb-19 13:59:30

Party dresses are the perfect thing to buy second hand. Because unless you're some sort of child-celebrity, party dresses get far less wear than other items of clothing.

boomfloom Sun 24-Feb-19 13:58:17

To all those saying "women are expected to wear a different dress each time", what's going to happen if you wear the same thing? Nothing. As long as it's clean and suitable for the occasion, it's fine.

Women of modest means have always had one Sunday dress and it was used for all special occasions. It is a relatively new tendency to keep buying new in an effort to emulate the rich.

Men don't say "Suzy's wearing the same dress again". It's other women who pick up on it. So stop gossiping about others and take a leaf out of their book. The sooner we start behaving reasonably and re-wearing our finery, the better for us all. It's better for your purse, your wardrobe and our planet.

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