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To make dd wear the same outfits to four Bat Mitzvahs?

(81 Posts)
Dillydallyding Sun 24-Feb-19 12:07:08

Dd is in Year 8 - her school has a significant Jewish minority and she has lots of Jewish friends. Four of these friends are having their Bat Mitzvahs over the next 4-5 months.

I understand that she needs a more formal outfit for the synagogue services, and then a party dress for afterwards.

As dd has had a huge growth spurt in the last year, she’s grown out of most of her clothes, so doesn’t currently have anything appropriate.

I told her yesterday that we would go shopping next weekend to find a party dress and an outfit appropriate for the services. But dd is insisting that she needs different outfits for each Bat Mitzvah as ‘it will be so embarrassing if she’s wearing the same thing at all of them as none of her friends will be’.

We aren’t exactly strapped for cash at the moment, but it seems very wasteful to buy her a different dress for each Bat Mitzvah.

AIBU?

runoutofnamechanges Sun 24-Feb-19 13:39:22

I've just had a look at some photos to analyse what the girls were wearing at the last few Bat Mitzvahs I've been to grin

The parties are a bit of a fashion show. There are a few full on sequins and tulle dresses (mostly the girl whose Bat Mitzvah it is) but most of the party dresses aren't super fancy or expensive - the kind of thing you could pick up cheaply on the high street (even Primark). Mostly knee length sleeveless shift dresses in pretty plain colours or black, or with cold shoulder sleeves, a few strapless dresses with a flared skirt. Everyone has ballerina flats. I would go with the idea of giving her a budget so she can pick 4 cheap dresses or 1 expensive one.

She doesn't really need anything very special for the service, just modest and smart. The other girls will be more interested in the party dresses grin Has she got anything already that she could wear? A pretty summer dress with a cardigan, or plain skirt with a smart top?

Bitlost Sun 24-Feb-19 13:50:03

I’d wear the same dress to different weddings. Buy one dress and be kind to the environment.

SileneOliveira Sun 24-Feb-19 13:51:31

Get yourself down to a charity shop. We regularly get "posh frock" type party dresses in. Not sure how old Year 8 is - about 13? Perfect age as she's a crossover between the biggest sizes in the children's range but depending on height will fit a 6 or 8 in the ladies range.

RuthW Sun 24-Feb-19 13:53:55

She's right. She needs four outfits if the dos are with the same people.

LlamaPink Sun 24-Feb-19 13:56:24

I'd get 2 or 3 dresses from fb selling pages or charity shops. No one will know.

INeedNewShoes Sun 24-Feb-19 13:56:51

I'd definitely look on eBay. You may even find a bundle of party dresses in her size. Plenty of items on eBay are pristine as only worn once. You need to look at photos closely and read descriptions really carefully and you should get some great clothes at low prices.

boomfloom Sun 24-Feb-19 13:58:17

To all those saying "women are expected to wear a different dress each time", what's going to happen if you wear the same thing? Nothing. As long as it's clean and suitable for the occasion, it's fine.

Women of modest means have always had one Sunday dress and it was used for all special occasions. It is a relatively new tendency to keep buying new in an effort to emulate the rich.

Men don't say "Suzy's wearing the same dress again". It's other women who pick up on it. So stop gossiping about others and take a leaf out of their book. The sooner we start behaving reasonably and re-wearing our finery, the better for us all. It's better for your purse, your wardrobe and our planet.

SileneOliveira Sun 24-Feb-19 13:59:30

Party dresses are the perfect thing to buy second hand. Because unless you're some sort of child-celebrity, party dresses get far less wear than other items of clothing.

labazsisgoingmad Sun 24-Feb-19 14:02:31

perhaps a couple basic plain skirts and mixture of tops so you can mix and max

TinklyLittleLaugh Sun 24-Feb-19 14:03:10

Use EBay and sell them straight after. Needn’t cost much at all.

MIdgebabe Sun 24-Feb-19 14:03:27

You NEED different outfits ? Why? Will someone get hurt if they see the same dress? Is there something in law?

radishingravish Sun 24-Feb-19 14:08:23

I would give her a budget for all of the dresses. Then she can choose whether she wants 2 more expensive dresses or 8 from somewhere cheaper like Primark.

Elzbells Sun 24-Feb-19 14:08:39

You need to find out the dress code for your area. Where I live they are all in play suits and trainers - only the girl celebrating her batty gets dressed up in sequins etc.

My daughter is at a Jewish school so we are already on No. 12 bat mitzvah of Y7.

Shul can just be a modest dress/skirt.

Yabbers Sun 24-Feb-19 14:10:27

Interested how many people insist they would never wear a dress to more than one event, would also go to a charity shop to buy a wedding outfit.

EssentialHummus Sun 24-Feb-19 14:13:54

Please check out the types of Shuls (temple synagogue) where the mitzvah's are happening

Yup. At a reform synagogue the dress code may be very relaxed.

I would wear the same thing to a wedding, so I personally would go for one skirt and 2-3 nice tops in your shoes. And make sure she's comfy! I remember my mum insisting on a Chinese outfit and heels for one bat mitzvah I went to, I had blisters for a week after! confused

sash I didn't know Oxfam sold online, thanks for that!

manicinsomniac Sun 24-Feb-19 15:19:43

Definitely yes to second hand. I've got 3 daughters. I and they love clothes. We have loads. Not a single thing (bar underwear!) was new and if I have to pay more than £10 for an item of clothing I practically break put into a cold sweat!

Having said that, I would and have repeated wedding/formal outfits many times. But I wouldn't do it for 4 events in the same year with the same attendees. And I certainly wouldn't expect a teenager to do so. These kknds of things matter to them. And to many adults. It doesn't matter that it shouldn't matter or that nothing terrible will happen etc. It makes many, esp younger people, less confident and awkward which stops them enjoying the event as much.

BartonHollow Sun 24-Feb-19 15:21:48

I once got sneered at age 12 for wearing the same outfit on non uniform day that I'd worn before on a previous one.

I understand it's a bothersome expense but if you're thinking it won't be noticed or matter it will and some nasty madam will make a comment

Elodiesflower Sun 24-Feb-19 15:23:57

All I can think of whilst reading this is that episode of the Simpsons where Marge finds the designer dress and wears it repeatedly making minor adjustments along the way.

I’d buy her 2 formal outifts and 4 dresses. Loads cheap on eBay

Rubusfruticosus Sun 24-Feb-19 15:26:41

Would you wear the same dress to four weddings that all your friends will be at every time? I would, if I'd found something I loved I'd wear it to every suitable occasion, why not?

Sanguineclamp Sun 24-Feb-19 15:30:12

Second hand can be great if you have a fairly standard figure. Otherwise it can be difficult. And I think you could probably buy a high street dress and accessorize it cheaper than hiring something nowadays.

A reasonable compromise would be, if possible, to buy one other outfit so she can alternate. And buy smart separates so it's multi-functional for other occasions.

EastEndQueen Sun 24-Feb-19 15:32:49

I second all the suggestions of two or three options with accessory options and looking on eBay. I remember Bat mitzvah year at school and there is lot of focus on outfits, which I imagine has only for more with social media now.

Does she have an allowance or earn chore money? My mother used to do a thing once we were in our teens where we could do extra chores (silver polishing, car washing, sorting out cupboards, spring cleaning type stuff and also doing things for neighbours/ close family friends) for clothes money and she would double whatever we earnt. We got our ‘standard’ clothes bought for us but this allowed us to get things like this

Believability Sun 24-Feb-19 15:34:26

She doesn’t need formal for either. A skirt and top and trainers are fine for services. boohoo is your friend for the parties, get her a couple of jumpsuits or play suits and a pair of trainers, she will know what all the girls are wearing.

The batmitzvah girl will be in full on sparkles, the other girls will be in cheap and cheerful

Believability Sun 24-Feb-19 15:43:00

Trust me you want something like this with trainers

www.boohoo.com/boutique-crochet-detail-high-neck-playsuit/DZZ42405.html?color=104

www.newlook.com/uk/womens/clothing/playsuits-jumpsuits/black-strappy-button-front-playsuit/p/614639601?comp=Browse

Again with trainers

www.asos.com/asos-petite/asos-design-petite-frill-hem-self-stripe-cami-playsuit/prd/11117736?clr=sage&SearchQuery=&cid=13894&gridcolumn=1&gridrow=12&gridsize=2&pge=1&pgesize=72&totalstyles=86

www.newlook.com/uk/girls/clothing/playsuits-jumpsuits/girls-blue-bardot-playsuit/p/611873540?comp=Browse

DS has worn this one to death

Believability Sun 24-Feb-19 15:43:57

A skater dress and denim jacket or cardigan is fine for services

Yabbers Sun 24-Feb-19 15:43:56

It doesn't matter that it shouldn't matter or that nothing terrible will happen etc. It makes many, esp younger people, less confident and awkward which stops them enjoying the event as much.

It does matter that it shouldn't happen. We are supposed to be raising our girls to be confident, independent people but we keep saying it's ok to buy into and pander to the mean girl culture. That it's ok to do something just because others might think something bad. It's all over MN that we shouldn't let our partners dictate what we wear, because it's abusive and controlling, but it's entirely acceptable to say teen girls should conform to norms in society because what would our friends say if we didn't? They must have just the right hair, nails, shoes, clothes, make up or the mean girls will be mean to them. What's that teaching our girls?

Something terrible will happen. There will be yet another chip, chip, chip away at a girl's confidence to wear what she wants to wear because of fear of what others might say. And all the while the mountain of clothes barely used and sent to waste, grows and precious resource wasted in making more.

Teaching a child to be confident in their own choices is by far the best lesson you can give them.

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