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Ex refusing to sell

(61 Posts)
Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:09:56

I need some advice, been through hell with my ex last year while I was pregnant. He was emotionally abusive and would scream in my face and swear in front of DS which is only 2. He demanded that the house would be put up for sale so I agreed and we had a buyer, I moved out and back to parents because we sold the house and were only waiting to sign on completion. I then had a beautiful DD and ex was all sorry and wanted to try again. I said no could never go back and put children through that. Ex has now pulled out of the sale, moved back into the house and is refusing to sell. I’m stuck in my parents with two little ones and no room here. Any advice?

PanamaPattie Sun 24-Feb-19 20:38:17

Stop paying the mortgage. Wait for the bank to re-possess. Wait for your share of the equity that's left. You should use your salary to rent a home.

bellabasset Sun 24-Feb-19 20:26:57

How awful for you going through this shortly after the birth of your dd. In one respect though it sounds as though you have a safety net being with your parents and get moral support.

I know from personal experience the law is complex and expensive so I hope you are able to sort out custody and get the house sold.

itsbritneybiatches Sun 24-Feb-19 18:25:08

Op I went through something very similar 12 months ago.

You need to go to the police and ask for it all to be documented.

You need to keep a diary of his behaviour starting now.

All threats about the house etc. Save everything.

I ended up giving up my half of the profit (it was only £7k not as much as you) but it cut that hold over me.
He blackmailed me that if I didn't he wouldn't sell.

I had to bluff him I wasn't bothered about being made bankrupt.

I had a payment break for three months and got the house sold.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 18:05:09

And he's claiming to be a victim of emotional, physical and financial abuse!.

He's made our life hell for the last year and it's only now I'm out of the situation I've realised how bad and controlling he was. Sooner this house is sorted I won't be financially tied to him and it will only be co-parenting. Not sure how that will work though because everything has to be on his terms

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 18:00:42

I wouldn't feel safe to move back now unless I had something like an occupation order not allowing him to come back.

He's also changed the locks so I would have to get a locksmith and when I'm not home he would do the same again. I'm up against a controlling monster. He doesn't deserve to be called after what he's done to the DC. He's only thinking of himself and not for our toddler and newborn!

He will do anything to stress me or just be horrible, at 7 months he reported me for domestic abuse and police wanted to interview me but then he retracted his statement, he made me put the house up for sale after several solicitor letters, made it impossible for us to stay there till completion date, bullied me out, moved while 8 months pregnant, had DD he begged us back, I said no chance, he moves in to the house and cancels the sale of the house (we had cashbuyers too😩)

Since moving to my parents he's phoned the police on me to come out and do 4 welfare checks on DC knowing full well that they are safe and well cared for.

sausagerollsses Sun 24-Feb-19 17:36:44

I have no advice but I hope you get everything sorted OP. He sounds like a disgusting individual!

longtimelurkerhelen Sun 24-Feb-19 16:54:50

He may be their biological relative, but he is not being a father to them. A father wouldn't do that to his kids, he would want what is best for them. You really need to report this abuse to the Police.

FenellaMaxwell Sun 24-Feb-19 16:37:40

If it’s your house too, TBH I would ask my parents to watch the kids, wait for him to go out, get a locksmith round, change the locks, then call the police on him when he gets back and kicks off....

Applesfortea Sun 24-Feb-19 16:31:23

If you are receiving support from an organisation like women's aid, or if you've spoken to your GP, midwife or health visitor about his abusive behaviour, they can give you a letter to enable you to apply for legal aid.

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 16:27:10

I was also going to say move back in but it doesn’t seem safe for you especially with two small children.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 16:20:44

He doesn't care about DC it is all to get at me. I have some evidence I didn't want to go down the route of reporting him as he's still their father, bearing in mind he reported me last year and told them that he was a victim of domestic violence! Which was a pack of lies!

It's all complicated with solicitors because I have to use different ones for the custody and house but the house application is on hold until courts sort the custody.

I am seeing domestic abuse tomorrow to see if there are anymore I can do or try because solicitors are costing me a fortune and nothing being done about the house. We need a house and ex is only thinking of himself!

Thanks for your replies, wish I came on here sooner!

MaybeNew Sun 24-Feb-19 16:16:55

You also need to see Women’s Aid and the local police. He is definitely being abusive. You should get legal aid too if you report him and that will be a lifeline for you.

MaybeNew Sun 24-Feb-19 16:14:45

If you can face it, you need to get back into the house. Can one of your parents move back in with you?

You need a solicitor’s letter which you show to the locksmith to change the locks and to warn your local police station. They may send a pc or 2 to supervise.

I have seen this done. The co owner moved back in with the kids and brought her DM. The Ex went ballistic and was arrested. He kicked off twice more and she was able to get an order removing him from the home and prohibiting from coming near her or the children.

You need to make sure that he knows that he has no power over you and taking the house back is a start.

KTheGrey Sun 24-Feb-19 16:07:54

Report the abuse to the police, stat. He doesn't sound suitable to have custody of them even 50/50 to me. That must be your first priority. The refusal to pay the mortgage sounds like a further attempt to coerce you and should also be reported.

Your solicitors both sound a bit poor. You need somebody to fight your corner, and manage your custody arrangements first. Try Citizens Advice and Women's Aid and if necessary Shelter. Keep trying until somebody admits they can sort it out. Because believe me, there is always somebody who can.

longtimelurkerhelen Sun 24-Feb-19 15:56:19

Yo really need evidence of his continuing abuse. Do you think you could (covertly) video or just voice record while he is being abusive?

It would help massively with contact etc. I'm not sure if it could be used as evidence to get legal aid though, maybe another poster could shed some light?

LavenderFairyrunswild Sun 24-Feb-19 15:48:57

Mami16 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your children are fortunate to have such a strong mother and your parents sound great too, letting you stay even though there's not much space. You're strong and brave and doing everything right.

He's an animal. Who leaves their children homeless? I hope that this all comes out at your custody hearing. Make it completely clear at the hearing - every little underhand thing he has done to secure the house for himself while you are still making payments! Tell them this has prevented you affording a new place. That this "father" has made his own children homeless.
The mood I'm In, I could go round and sort him out now!

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:48:40

Mortgage company are aware of the situation because he cancelled the direct debit and I had to pay over the phone.

No he doesn't at the moment because he threatened not to bring them back to me, he was abusive on pick ups and drop off and then he started on my mum too. I can't risk it when he's out of control and in a rage. Court next week and hopefully sort it

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 14:30:25

does he see the children at all at the moment?

Everytimeref Sun 24-Feb-19 14:25:36

Have you told the mortgage company that you are in dispute? They might allow a payment holiday so that your credit rating isn't impacted if he fails to pay.

tensmum1964 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:16:16

I understand your worries about him not paying the mortgage however logically if he wants to end up with the house then he will pay. If not it will eventually be repossessed and whatever equity is left will be split between you. With £50000 equity it will be unlikely to be sold in negative equity. I know your motivation is quite rightly to keep the house but I agree with others concentrate on your children and recovering from the birth. You are not letting your children down. Bricks and mortar don't bring happiness to children.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:07:36

He has no interest in the DCs, he was never a hands on dad with DS that's why I'm not happy about him having overnights because they still depend on me so much. He is only doing it to stress me and to hopefully keep the house.

My solicitor assessed me for legal aid and I don't qualify for it because I haven't reported anything to any authorities.

I was also told that I wouldn't be very successful with occupation order because there hasn't been any serious domestic violence and because the courts that normally deal with them are used to extreme cases like stabbing. Occupation order are also very costly and I'm not guaranteed to get him out. It's all such a mess.

I know I should be focusing on DC and lucky to have them but I feel like I'm letting them down as we no longer have a 'home' or space for them. I want to get back in the house safely or sell and move on with my life but he won't budge and there is absolutely no reasoning with him. A part of me thinks that he's continuing to do this thinking I will move back because we are stuck at my parents. He is a bully and wish I knew how to sort it and be able to move on.

Surfingtheweb Sun 24-Feb-19 13:53:53

Can't you get legal aid in situations of domestic violence? It might be worth finding out, because if you can you could apply for an occupation order to remove him from the house & for an order to force the sale. They might even be able to help with the custody arrangements too.

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 13:38:53

Thankyou for clarifying - I have no legal qualification so can’t help on that one I’m afraid. I agree you should give yourself to time to recover. You don’t have to do anything right away. Friends will try to give you all sorts of legal advice but in my experience they are not always correct. Enjoy your DCs and your parents support - forget about what he has and what you have for now. Be the better person. I know you will be ok in the end. Does he know what 50/50 custody means exactly? How will he cope while he is working? Is he going to get a nanny. A court would rule in your favour on that one I’m sure

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 13:31:22

It is a mess but it sounds as if your ex is not likely to change his mind (mine just became more awkward the more time went on.)

So you either have to leave it for now. You have a newborn. Give yourself some time to adjust before you decide what to do. Arrange contact etc and see how that settles.

Or you borrow the money somehow and go to court. Neither is good. Which option gives you less stress?

I do understand what a pp said earlier about it being less stress to just walk away. You could find out what it would take to get yourself off the mortgage and then look at how you would survive financially.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 13:17:27

I have seen another solicitor regarding the house and he's given me a breakdown of cost taking him to court and it's nearly £7000 and has to be paid up front and not out of the profit. He also told me it could be put on hold while family court is going on.

Everything costs so much and takes so much time and he gets to live and enjoy the house while I'm stuck and crammed! So unfair for my little ones!

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