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Ex refusing to sell

(61 Posts)
Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:09:56

I need some advice, been through hell with my ex last year while I was pregnant. He was emotionally abusive and would scream in my face and swear in front of DS which is only 2. He demanded that the house would be put up for sale so I agreed and we had a buyer, I moved out and back to parents because we sold the house and were only waiting to sign on completion. I then had a beautiful DD and ex was all sorry and wanted to try again. I said no could never go back and put children through that. Ex has now pulled out of the sale, moved back into the house and is refusing to sell. I’m stuck in my parents with two little ones and no room here. Any advice?

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 12:00:25

When I went to court we both wanted to keep the House and I could afford the mortgage but because there was enough equity to be split we could both move on. The court ordered the sale of the house.

I also had two small children. People said, you can stay in the house till the dc are 18. Not true!

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 12:00:36

I would try it - you are giving him the power by not doing so

PtahNeith Sun 24-Feb-19 12:08:43

You’d think that he should know that how bad he’s treating me here is affecting the two little ones.

He does know.

He does not care.

He views your children as nothing more than weapons he can use to control you and hurt you. He literally does not care how much damage he causes them.

As far as he is concerned, you are all his property, for him to treat however he wishes and use as he wishes. Your feelings and wellbeing are irrelevant to him. He is the only person that matters.

He will have calculated that damaging the children will put you under more pressure to give in to him and do what he wants. It is deliberate.

Don't give in. All you will achieve by giving in is to show him how far he has to push you next time for him to get what he wants. It won't change him or stop him.

And there's no point trying to reason with him, because he is not interested in reason - he's not causing harm by accident, he's aware of it because it's what he intended to happen.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 12:18:14

PtahNeith - waw! You are right and you don’t even know him, just wish the solicitor could see it! Even though the solicitor I’m using has told me to keep family and house/finance separate because we ain’t married.

I would never go back to him, gave him far too many chances and he never changed. I was prepared to go 50/50 with the house even though it was my deposit and money to do the renovations but I just wanted the house gone and move on.

He bullied us out and then seen his opportunity to move in and emailed estate agents and solicitor to say the sell of the house will not go ahead and he’s refusing to sell or sign paperwork.

He does not care one bit about our little ones or how he behaved in front of DS and that’s why we left.

Domestic abuse has told me about coercive control and was such an eye opener of what he’s put us through!

I just want a home for my little family and a fresh start 😩

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 12:36:26

Rent somewhere to live - you will get working tax credit to help you. You will have a home and you can re build your life from there. It doesn’t mean you have given in - still use all legal advice - you have a joint mortgage. While you are with your parents you are emotionally not strong and as you say you have no space. It might take a few months (nearly a year in my case) but you will get there I promise. It won’t happen overnight

tensmum1964 Sun 24-Feb-19 12:39:55

I understand why people say don't give in etc as its totally unfair. The only way you will beat this man and regain your life back is to take away his control over you. A very long time ago I was in a similar situation with a bitter and angry ex. My children were a bit older than yours but one toddler and a 7 yr old. I made the decision to minimise any control he had over me and one way of doing it was to tell him to stuff our house and the equity where the sun don't shine. It was hard and I moved in to a council house and didn't have a stick of furniture. Family and friends lent and gave me stuff to start me off. It was hard, issues re custody didn't go away but giving up the house was one less thing that he had over me and I know that he was hoping I wouldn't cope so was trying to force me back to him . It sickened him when I told him that I would rather be on the streets than give him the power. Also for me it was important that my children had a mother that wasnt eaten up with anger, bitterness and revenge. much healthier for all of our mental health. Years on and although it was a struggle I don't regret a thing. I also met a wonderful man who became a much adored step father to my children and we bought a lovely home together. This really killed the ex, Karma is a bitch. I,m not suggesting you do what I did but just saying there are other and sometimes more healthier ways to deal with these awful situations.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 12:42:09

I have sorted tax credits, problem I have is that he’s been threatening not pay the mortgage and he didn’t in January (while I was in hospital having DD, he cancelled the direct debit and didn’t know until I came out of hospital) I can’t risk renting and paying all the mortgage when he goes on a rage and refuses to pay.

He thinks I’m probably just going to walk away and leave him have the house, he’s kitted it all out now and changed the locks and when I was living there he said I had no right to change locks and he could kick the door down because it’s his house!

He is definitely trying to ruin my maternity leave and recovering from c section. Our DD is only 6 weeks and it’s awful that we haven’t got a ‘home’

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 12:43:42

What would you have to do to get off the mortgage?

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 12:47:11

Thanks tensmum1964 I’m glad you got away and it all worked out for you.

It’s hard because I worked hard for that house and paid the deposit and renovations and my family helped so it’s hard to walk away with nothing as it was a home for our DS and now we have DD too.

So nice to hear a positive story 😊

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 13:08:22

I know youve been to a solicitor OP. What did they actually tell you though. You mentioned they said it wasn’t straightforward - what did they actually mean by that? Have you been to citizens advice? They have solicitors - you can walk in to ours and wait for an appt when they are open. Just wondering if they might give you different kinds of advice. I’m sure someone on here knows the legal side of joint mortgages and defaulting on payments and the implications after a separation etc

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 13:13:13

The solicitor I've seen deals with family law and because we aren't married he can't deal with the house situation. He also told me because ex has made application to the court for 50/50 custody that any application I do regarding the house (to force him to sell) would be on hold until the custody arrangements are sorted. Ex seems to think because he has a stable home for them he will be able to keep the house for them and I'm stuck in my parents house!

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 13:17:27

I have seen another solicitor regarding the house and he's given me a breakdown of cost taking him to court and it's nearly £7000 and has to be paid up front and not out of the profit. He also told me it could be put on hold while family court is going on.

Everything costs so much and takes so much time and he gets to live and enjoy the house while I'm stuck and crammed! So unfair for my little ones!

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 13:31:22

It is a mess but it sounds as if your ex is not likely to change his mind (mine just became more awkward the more time went on.)

So you either have to leave it for now. You have a newborn. Give yourself some time to adjust before you decide what to do. Arrange contact etc and see how that settles.

Or you borrow the money somehow and go to court. Neither is good. Which option gives you less stress?

I do understand what a pp said earlier about it being less stress to just walk away. You could find out what it would take to get yourself off the mortgage and then look at how you would survive financially.

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 13:38:53

Thankyou for clarifying - I have no legal qualification so can’t help on that one I’m afraid. I agree you should give yourself to time to recover. You don’t have to do anything right away. Friends will try to give you all sorts of legal advice but in my experience they are not always correct. Enjoy your DCs and your parents support - forget about what he has and what you have for now. Be the better person. I know you will be ok in the end. Does he know what 50/50 custody means exactly? How will he cope while he is working? Is he going to get a nanny. A court would rule in your favour on that one I’m sure

Surfingtheweb Sun 24-Feb-19 13:53:53

Can't you get legal aid in situations of domestic violence? It might be worth finding out, because if you can you could apply for an occupation order to remove him from the house & for an order to force the sale. They might even be able to help with the custody arrangements too.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:07:36

He has no interest in the DCs, he was never a hands on dad with DS that's why I'm not happy about him having overnights because they still depend on me so much. He is only doing it to stress me and to hopefully keep the house.

My solicitor assessed me for legal aid and I don't qualify for it because I haven't reported anything to any authorities.

I was also told that I wouldn't be very successful with occupation order because there hasn't been any serious domestic violence and because the courts that normally deal with them are used to extreme cases like stabbing. Occupation order are also very costly and I'm not guaranteed to get him out. It's all such a mess.

I know I should be focusing on DC and lucky to have them but I feel like I'm letting them down as we no longer have a 'home' or space for them. I want to get back in the house safely or sell and move on with my life but he won't budge and there is absolutely no reasoning with him. A part of me thinks that he's continuing to do this thinking I will move back because we are stuck at my parents. He is a bully and wish I knew how to sort it and be able to move on.

tensmum1964 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:16:16

I understand your worries about him not paying the mortgage however logically if he wants to end up with the house then he will pay. If not it will eventually be repossessed and whatever equity is left will be split between you. With £50000 equity it will be unlikely to be sold in negative equity. I know your motivation is quite rightly to keep the house but I agree with others concentrate on your children and recovering from the birth. You are not letting your children down. Bricks and mortar don't bring happiness to children.

Everytimeref Sun 24-Feb-19 14:25:36

Have you told the mortgage company that you are in dispute? They might allow a payment holiday so that your credit rating isn't impacted if he fails to pay.

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 14:30:25

does he see the children at all at the moment?

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:48:40

Mortgage company are aware of the situation because he cancelled the direct debit and I had to pay over the phone.

No he doesn't at the moment because he threatened not to bring them back to me, he was abusive on pick ups and drop off and then he started on my mum too. I can't risk it when he's out of control and in a rage. Court next week and hopefully sort it

LavenderFairyrunswild Sun 24-Feb-19 15:48:57

Mami16 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your children are fortunate to have such a strong mother and your parents sound great too, letting you stay even though there's not much space. You're strong and brave and doing everything right.

He's an animal. Who leaves their children homeless? I hope that this all comes out at your custody hearing. Make it completely clear at the hearing - every little underhand thing he has done to secure the house for himself while you are still making payments! Tell them this has prevented you affording a new place. That this "father" has made his own children homeless.
The mood I'm In, I could go round and sort him out now!

longtimelurkerhelen Sun 24-Feb-19 15:56:19

Yo really need evidence of his continuing abuse. Do you think you could (covertly) video or just voice record while he is being abusive?

It would help massively with contact etc. I'm not sure if it could be used as evidence to get legal aid though, maybe another poster could shed some light?

KTheGrey Sun 24-Feb-19 16:07:54

Report the abuse to the police, stat. He doesn't sound suitable to have custody of them even 50/50 to me. That must be your first priority. The refusal to pay the mortgage sounds like a further attempt to coerce you and should also be reported.

Your solicitors both sound a bit poor. You need somebody to fight your corner, and manage your custody arrangements first. Try Citizens Advice and Women's Aid and if necessary Shelter. Keep trying until somebody admits they can sort it out. Because believe me, there is always somebody who can.

MaybeNew Sun 24-Feb-19 16:14:45

If you can face it, you need to get back into the house. Can one of your parents move back in with you?

You need a solicitor’s letter which you show to the locksmith to change the locks and to warn your local police station. They may send a pc or 2 to supervise.

I have seen this done. The co owner moved back in with the kids and brought her DM. The Ex went ballistic and was arrested. He kicked off twice more and she was able to get an order removing him from the home and prohibiting from coming near her or the children.

You need to make sure that he knows that he has no power over you and taking the house back is a start.

MaybeNew Sun 24-Feb-19 16:16:55

You also need to see Women’s Aid and the local police. He is definitely being abusive. You should get legal aid too if you report him and that will be a lifeline for you.

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