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Ex refusing to sell

(61 Posts)
Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:09:56

I need some advice, been through hell with my ex last year while I was pregnant. He was emotionally abusive and would scream in my face and swear in front of DS which is only 2. He demanded that the house would be put up for sale so I agreed and we had a buyer, I moved out and back to parents because we sold the house and were only waiting to sign on completion. I then had a beautiful DD and ex was all sorry and wanted to try again. I said no could never go back and put children through that. Ex has now pulled out of the sale, moved back into the house and is refusing to sell. I’m stuck in my parents with two little ones and no room here. Any advice?

dinkydolphin Sun 24-Feb-19 11:15:31

He does have the right to back out of the house. I would have him removed from the property and move back in with you & your children.

Snuffalo Sun 24-Feb-19 11:16:20

Were you married? What names are on the mortgage?

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:18:29

Not married, joint mortgage. Yes I get he’s allowed to change his mind but he’s done it out of spite, he was the one that went to solicitors and demanded it went for sale, I agreed and moved while I was 8 months pregnant, wasn’t safe for us to stay there because of his temper. Oh and he’s now changed the locks too 😡

rumptifizzer Sun 24-Feb-19 11:21:01

Start divorce proceedings and there'll be a court order relating to finances. Apply for child support in the meantime.

everydaymum Sun 24-Feb-19 11:21:33

You need legal advice and official separation of assets. If he can't 'pay you out' he'll have to sell.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:25:32

Anyone got advice or experience of forcing sale of a house? He is refusing to sell and told me I will have to take him to court. He will do everything to delay the sale. So stressful when you got a toddler and newborn and crammed in my parents (although I’m very grateful) it’s just so unfair that he is living and enjoying in a 3 bed house and doing this to us!

kaytee87 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:25:37

You need legal advice. He'll have to buy you out.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:27:46

I’ve been to see a solicitor and they said it’s not very straightforward as there’s children involved and we weren’t married. He is also going for 50/50 custody so he can say that he’s got a stable home and needs the house for the children

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:29:21

Oh and the cost of taking him to court to make him sell is shocking! Money imI don’t have and he knows that!

MrsWillGardner Sun 24-Feb-19 11:29:26

@rumptifizzer. They aren’t married.

Op, get legal advice ASAP. You are entitled to half the house.

kaytee87 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:29:45

So what actual advice did the solicitor give you?

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 11:33:13

It’s a shame you moved out. I was in a similar position and stayed put although it was horrendous. It did end up in court too costing me thousands. The house did sell eventually but if i had moved out I think exh would still be in the house 5 years later. It is complicated so you will have to take legal advice.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:35:00

Was basically told that child contact would have to be sorted in court before any application/decision would be made about the house. Solicitor told me that if I went to court to force him to sell it would cost thousands (which would have to be paid upfront and not out of the profit) and it will take around 7 months and that’s if he was co-operative. It’s so unfair the way he’s gone about this, he bullied me out of the house, tried for a long time and by the end I couldn’t take it anymore and had to have someone with me for my own safety when he would pick and drop DS off. Solicitor said even though it’s been awful for me there wasn’t any serious physical violence to get him out.

GreenTulips Sun 24-Feb-19 11:38:01

What equity do you have in the house?

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 11:38:09

Has he offered to buy you out?

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:40:33

Hellohappy: Yes it was a shame and I regret it now but it got to the point I no longer felt safe there and I was 8 months pregnant and because he demanded to sell and go through solicitor I didn’t think he would pull out but after our DD was born he begged us back but I refused and now I’m in this situation.

Hellohappy- can you give me advice on the court proceedings on the sale of the house? How long did it take? We agreed to sell and both find somewhere else. He’s now changed the locks and my solicitor has written to him to say he has no right and that he has to give me a set of keys but still not had them

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:42:53

He told me when we were trying to discuss child maintenance that he was now part time and will be going self employed soon so he can’t buy me out but he lies so much he will make me take this to court and then if he can offer to buy me out just to waste my money on court fees! There’s about £50000 equity

Poppyfr33 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:46:53

Could you visit your local council about housing, as you left the marital home due to abusive behaviour. Can’t think of anything else to help your situation.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:50:22

I’m meeting with domestic abuse team tomorrow to see about housing as I’m now classed as ‘homeless’ in their view which is wrong because I have a house and I know there’s so many real homeless people out there. Although I’m very grateful to them for the help I’m receiving I still feel it’s wrong that I was basically forced out of our home but no serious physical violence occurred then there’s nothing the solicitor can do to get him out

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:51:55

take him up on the 50/50 offer of child custody. I have seen this bluff plenty of times. If he is serous, take it as a win - you can return to work at least part time without having to worry about childcare (ideally find a job during ex's 50% contact time and rebuild your life.

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 11:53:33

Sorry you are going through this it is horrible with young DCs
My advice would be:
A) Get solicitor to write him a letter - they advised me in a similar position that this is often all it takes. We were not married either and had 1 DC and I didn’t even have a joint mortgage.
B) Keep conversation between you and him open as much as you can - there are always 2 sides to everything - remember to remind him however he treats you will reflect on your children and their relationship with him.

The above worked for me
Good luck

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:54:50

I have a job, I’m on maternity leave. I just don’t have the thousands of pound to take him to court to make him sell the house!

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:59:19

Thanks danceyourselfsilly. You’d think that he should know that how bad he’s treating me here is affecting the two little ones. He’s punishing me now because I won’t go back to him for him to control us. I don’t think a letter from my solicitor to him will do any different, he wants me to spend and waste money and basically lose everything!

PtahNeith Sun 24-Feb-19 11:59:42

It does not matter that he wasn't violent (yet) - coercive control is a crime. And a crime for a reason. A decent solicitor would know that and not be fixating on violence.

Coercive control destroys lives, and as a result it's a crime that carries a prison sentence. Maybe you should find a solicitor that actually understands domestic abuse properly.

Have you contacted Rights of Women for advice?

Has anybody assessed your risk level from him? Because you're more at risk of violence (even if he's never been violent before) in the year after leaving/him realising you're not coming back this time.

Also: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - it will help you recover and deal with him for what he is.

Abuse is about power and control. Everything you're describing of him right now is about control - it's a continuation of his previous abuse and it is incredibly important that both you and the professionals working with you understand that.

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 12:00:25

When I went to court we both wanted to keep the House and I could afford the mortgage but because there was enough equity to be split we could both move on. The court ordered the sale of the house.

I also had two small children. People said, you can stay in the house till the dc are 18. Not true!

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 12:00:36

I would try it - you are giving him the power by not doing so

PtahNeith Sun 24-Feb-19 12:08:43

You’d think that he should know that how bad he’s treating me here is affecting the two little ones.

He does know.

He does not care.

He views your children as nothing more than weapons he can use to control you and hurt you. He literally does not care how much damage he causes them.

As far as he is concerned, you are all his property, for him to treat however he wishes and use as he wishes. Your feelings and wellbeing are irrelevant to him. He is the only person that matters.

He will have calculated that damaging the children will put you under more pressure to give in to him and do what he wants. It is deliberate.

Don't give in. All you will achieve by giving in is to show him how far he has to push you next time for him to get what he wants. It won't change him or stop him.

And there's no point trying to reason with him, because he is not interested in reason - he's not causing harm by accident, he's aware of it because it's what he intended to happen.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 12:18:14

PtahNeith - waw! You are right and you don’t even know him, just wish the solicitor could see it! Even though the solicitor I’m using has told me to keep family and house/finance separate because we ain’t married.

I would never go back to him, gave him far too many chances and he never changed. I was prepared to go 50/50 with the house even though it was my deposit and money to do the renovations but I just wanted the house gone and move on.

He bullied us out and then seen his opportunity to move in and emailed estate agents and solicitor to say the sell of the house will not go ahead and he’s refusing to sell or sign paperwork.

He does not care one bit about our little ones or how he behaved in front of DS and that’s why we left.

Domestic abuse has told me about coercive control and was such an eye opener of what he’s put us through!

I just want a home for my little family and a fresh start 😩

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 12:36:26

Rent somewhere to live - you will get working tax credit to help you. You will have a home and you can re build your life from there. It doesn’t mean you have given in - still use all legal advice - you have a joint mortgage. While you are with your parents you are emotionally not strong and as you say you have no space. It might take a few months (nearly a year in my case) but you will get there I promise. It won’t happen overnight

tensmum1964 Sun 24-Feb-19 12:39:55

I understand why people say don't give in etc as its totally unfair. The only way you will beat this man and regain your life back is to take away his control over you. A very long time ago I was in a similar situation with a bitter and angry ex. My children were a bit older than yours but one toddler and a 7 yr old. I made the decision to minimise any control he had over me and one way of doing it was to tell him to stuff our house and the equity where the sun don't shine. It was hard and I moved in to a council house and didn't have a stick of furniture. Family and friends lent and gave me stuff to start me off. It was hard, issues re custody didn't go away but giving up the house was one less thing that he had over me and I know that he was hoping I wouldn't cope so was trying to force me back to him . It sickened him when I told him that I would rather be on the streets than give him the power. Also for me it was important that my children had a mother that wasnt eaten up with anger, bitterness and revenge. much healthier for all of our mental health. Years on and although it was a struggle I don't regret a thing. I also met a wonderful man who became a much adored step father to my children and we bought a lovely home together. This really killed the ex, Karma is a bitch. I,m not suggesting you do what I did but just saying there are other and sometimes more healthier ways to deal with these awful situations.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 12:42:09

I have sorted tax credits, problem I have is that he’s been threatening not pay the mortgage and he didn’t in January (while I was in hospital having DD, he cancelled the direct debit and didn’t know until I came out of hospital) I can’t risk renting and paying all the mortgage when he goes on a rage and refuses to pay.

He thinks I’m probably just going to walk away and leave him have the house, he’s kitted it all out now and changed the locks and when I was living there he said I had no right to change locks and he could kick the door down because it’s his house!

He is definitely trying to ruin my maternity leave and recovering from c section. Our DD is only 6 weeks and it’s awful that we haven’t got a ‘home’

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 12:43:42

What would you have to do to get off the mortgage?

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 12:47:11

Thanks tensmum1964 I’m glad you got away and it all worked out for you.

It’s hard because I worked hard for that house and paid the deposit and renovations and my family helped so it’s hard to walk away with nothing as it was a home for our DS and now we have DD too.

So nice to hear a positive story 😊

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 13:08:22

I know youve been to a solicitor OP. What did they actually tell you though. You mentioned they said it wasn’t straightforward - what did they actually mean by that? Have you been to citizens advice? They have solicitors - you can walk in to ours and wait for an appt when they are open. Just wondering if they might give you different kinds of advice. I’m sure someone on here knows the legal side of joint mortgages and defaulting on payments and the implications after a separation etc

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 13:13:13

The solicitor I've seen deals with family law and because we aren't married he can't deal with the house situation. He also told me because ex has made application to the court for 50/50 custody that any application I do regarding the house (to force him to sell) would be on hold until the custody arrangements are sorted. Ex seems to think because he has a stable home for them he will be able to keep the house for them and I'm stuck in my parents house!

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 13:17:27

I have seen another solicitor regarding the house and he's given me a breakdown of cost taking him to court and it's nearly £7000 and has to be paid up front and not out of the profit. He also told me it could be put on hold while family court is going on.

Everything costs so much and takes so much time and he gets to live and enjoy the house while I'm stuck and crammed! So unfair for my little ones!

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 13:31:22

It is a mess but it sounds as if your ex is not likely to change his mind (mine just became more awkward the more time went on.)

So you either have to leave it for now. You have a newborn. Give yourself some time to adjust before you decide what to do. Arrange contact etc and see how that settles.

Or you borrow the money somehow and go to court. Neither is good. Which option gives you less stress?

I do understand what a pp said earlier about it being less stress to just walk away. You could find out what it would take to get yourself off the mortgage and then look at how you would survive financially.

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 13:38:53

Thankyou for clarifying - I have no legal qualification so can’t help on that one I’m afraid. I agree you should give yourself to time to recover. You don’t have to do anything right away. Friends will try to give you all sorts of legal advice but in my experience they are not always correct. Enjoy your DCs and your parents support - forget about what he has and what you have for now. Be the better person. I know you will be ok in the end. Does he know what 50/50 custody means exactly? How will he cope while he is working? Is he going to get a nanny. A court would rule in your favour on that one I’m sure

Surfingtheweb Sun 24-Feb-19 13:53:53

Can't you get legal aid in situations of domestic violence? It might be worth finding out, because if you can you could apply for an occupation order to remove him from the house & for an order to force the sale. They might even be able to help with the custody arrangements too.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:07:36

He has no interest in the DCs, he was never a hands on dad with DS that's why I'm not happy about him having overnights because they still depend on me so much. He is only doing it to stress me and to hopefully keep the house.

My solicitor assessed me for legal aid and I don't qualify for it because I haven't reported anything to any authorities.

I was also told that I wouldn't be very successful with occupation order because there hasn't been any serious domestic violence and because the courts that normally deal with them are used to extreme cases like stabbing. Occupation order are also very costly and I'm not guaranteed to get him out. It's all such a mess.

I know I should be focusing on DC and lucky to have them but I feel like I'm letting them down as we no longer have a 'home' or space for them. I want to get back in the house safely or sell and move on with my life but he won't budge and there is absolutely no reasoning with him. A part of me thinks that he's continuing to do this thinking I will move back because we are stuck at my parents. He is a bully and wish I knew how to sort it and be able to move on.

tensmum1964 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:16:16

I understand your worries about him not paying the mortgage however logically if he wants to end up with the house then he will pay. If not it will eventually be repossessed and whatever equity is left will be split between you. With £50000 equity it will be unlikely to be sold in negative equity. I know your motivation is quite rightly to keep the house but I agree with others concentrate on your children and recovering from the birth. You are not letting your children down. Bricks and mortar don't bring happiness to children.

Everytimeref Sun 24-Feb-19 14:25:36

Have you told the mortgage company that you are in dispute? They might allow a payment holiday so that your credit rating isn't impacted if he fails to pay.

danceyourselfsilly Sun 24-Feb-19 14:30:25

does he see the children at all at the moment?

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:48:40

Mortgage company are aware of the situation because he cancelled the direct debit and I had to pay over the phone.

No he doesn't at the moment because he threatened not to bring them back to me, he was abusive on pick ups and drop off and then he started on my mum too. I can't risk it when he's out of control and in a rage. Court next week and hopefully sort it

LavenderFairyrunswild Sun 24-Feb-19 15:48:57

Mami16 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your children are fortunate to have such a strong mother and your parents sound great too, letting you stay even though there's not much space. You're strong and brave and doing everything right.

He's an animal. Who leaves their children homeless? I hope that this all comes out at your custody hearing. Make it completely clear at the hearing - every little underhand thing he has done to secure the house for himself while you are still making payments! Tell them this has prevented you affording a new place. That this "father" has made his own children homeless.
The mood I'm In, I could go round and sort him out now!

longtimelurkerhelen Sun 24-Feb-19 15:56:19

Yo really need evidence of his continuing abuse. Do you think you could (covertly) video or just voice record while he is being abusive?

It would help massively with contact etc. I'm not sure if it could be used as evidence to get legal aid though, maybe another poster could shed some light?

KTheGrey Sun 24-Feb-19 16:07:54

Report the abuse to the police, stat. He doesn't sound suitable to have custody of them even 50/50 to me. That must be your first priority. The refusal to pay the mortgage sounds like a further attempt to coerce you and should also be reported.

Your solicitors both sound a bit poor. You need somebody to fight your corner, and manage your custody arrangements first. Try Citizens Advice and Women's Aid and if necessary Shelter. Keep trying until somebody admits they can sort it out. Because believe me, there is always somebody who can.

MaybeNew Sun 24-Feb-19 16:14:45

If you can face it, you need to get back into the house. Can one of your parents move back in with you?

You need a solicitor’s letter which you show to the locksmith to change the locks and to warn your local police station. They may send a pc or 2 to supervise.

I have seen this done. The co owner moved back in with the kids and brought her DM. The Ex went ballistic and was arrested. He kicked off twice more and she was able to get an order removing him from the home and prohibiting from coming near her or the children.

You need to make sure that he knows that he has no power over you and taking the house back is a start.

MaybeNew Sun 24-Feb-19 16:16:55

You also need to see Women’s Aid and the local police. He is definitely being abusive. You should get legal aid too if you report him and that will be a lifeline for you.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 16:20:44

He doesn't care about DC it is all to get at me. I have some evidence I didn't want to go down the route of reporting him as he's still their father, bearing in mind he reported me last year and told them that he was a victim of domestic violence! Which was a pack of lies!

It's all complicated with solicitors because I have to use different ones for the custody and house but the house application is on hold until courts sort the custody.

I am seeing domestic abuse tomorrow to see if there are anymore I can do or try because solicitors are costing me a fortune and nothing being done about the house. We need a house and ex is only thinking of himself!

Thanks for your replies, wish I came on here sooner!

Hellohappy Sun 24-Feb-19 16:27:10

I was also going to say move back in but it doesn’t seem safe for you especially with two small children.

Applesfortea Sun 24-Feb-19 16:31:23

If you are receiving support from an organisation like women's aid, or if you've spoken to your GP, midwife or health visitor about his abusive behaviour, they can give you a letter to enable you to apply for legal aid.

FenellaMaxwell Sun 24-Feb-19 16:37:40

If it’s your house too, TBH I would ask my parents to watch the kids, wait for him to go out, get a locksmith round, change the locks, then call the police on him when he gets back and kicks off....

longtimelurkerhelen Sun 24-Feb-19 16:54:50

He may be their biological relative, but he is not being a father to them. A father wouldn't do that to his kids, he would want what is best for them. You really need to report this abuse to the Police.

sausagerollsses Sun 24-Feb-19 17:36:44

I have no advice but I hope you get everything sorted OP. He sounds like a disgusting individual!

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 18:00:42

I wouldn't feel safe to move back now unless I had something like an occupation order not allowing him to come back.

He's also changed the locks so I would have to get a locksmith and when I'm not home he would do the same again. I'm up against a controlling monster. He doesn't deserve to be called after what he's done to the DC. He's only thinking of himself and not for our toddler and newborn!

He will do anything to stress me or just be horrible, at 7 months he reported me for domestic abuse and police wanted to interview me but then he retracted his statement, he made me put the house up for sale after several solicitor letters, made it impossible for us to stay there till completion date, bullied me out, moved while 8 months pregnant, had DD he begged us back, I said no chance, he moves in to the house and cancels the sale of the house (we had cashbuyers too😩)

Since moving to my parents he's phoned the police on me to come out and do 4 welfare checks on DC knowing full well that they are safe and well cared for.

Mami16 Sun 24-Feb-19 18:05:09

And he's claiming to be a victim of emotional, physical and financial abuse!.

He's made our life hell for the last year and it's only now I'm out of the situation I've realised how bad and controlling he was. Sooner this house is sorted I won't be financially tied to him and it will only be co-parenting. Not sure how that will work though because everything has to be on his terms

itsbritneybiatches Sun 24-Feb-19 18:25:08

Op I went through something very similar 12 months ago.

You need to go to the police and ask for it all to be documented.

You need to keep a diary of his behaviour starting now.

All threats about the house etc. Save everything.

I ended up giving up my half of the profit (it was only £7k not as much as you) but it cut that hold over me.
He blackmailed me that if I didn't he wouldn't sell.

I had to bluff him I wasn't bothered about being made bankrupt.

I had a payment break for three months and got the house sold.

bellabasset Sun 24-Feb-19 20:26:57

How awful for you going through this shortly after the birth of your dd. In one respect though it sounds as though you have a safety net being with your parents and get moral support.

I know from personal experience the law is complex and expensive so I hope you are able to sort out custody and get the house sold.

PanamaPattie Sun 24-Feb-19 20:38:17

Stop paying the mortgage. Wait for the bank to re-possess. Wait for your share of the equity that's left. You should use your salary to rent a home.

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