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That thus just wouldn't be fair? (Wedding related)

(95 Posts)
GirlOnIt Sun 24-Feb-19 11:06:31

Ok so I'm thinking way in advance only just looking into weddings etc and it will be October/November next year at the earliest.

But there's a venue that I've always said I'd love to marry at and when I've imagined getting married it's been there. We're going to look next weekend so could be we could sort something out or that I'm not even as keen when we do go.

But looking at the online quote and information. We could do and afford a weekend in November (I originally wanted September/October but that's more). The minimum day guests we can have is 50 but the price includes weekend stay for 30 guests and obviously ourselves. But that would mean 20 guests wouldn't be able to stay and there's over things they put on that just the guests staying can attend.

I don't know how we'd decide the 30 to stay and the 20 not to and we plan up invite some just to the wedding reception but I think it feels like too many tiers of who we think is worth coming and staying, coming to the wedding and not staying and only being invited to the evening do.

It's around 2 1/2 hours from where we live and the majority of family and friends. Although I've friends nearer too.

Dp says it doesn't matter we book what we want and if people don't want to come that's up to them. He's only bothered that his mum, dad, brother, best man and his partner stay. And the rest I can choose. I guess if it's immediate family and wedding party bridesmaids etc staying that's probably ok.
Do people expect to pay to stay over somewhere if they go to weddings? We're going to one this year and the couple asked if we wanted to book a room at the hotel as they had to fill the rooms, but we've paid for it not them and we didn't mind at all. But I do know they struggled to get all the rooms booked so presumably a lot of guests did mind.

GirlOnIt Sun 24-Feb-19 11:07:20

This! In the title.

GirlOnIt Sun 24-Feb-19 11:10:41

Weddings are expensive though. I honestly had no clue. Don't want anything big and over the top but equally I don't want to just go to the register office. I know that's a option and it's the marriage not the wedding but I want a wedding day.

Merryoldgoat Sun 24-Feb-19 11:11:42

If you’re paying for the rooms I’d allocate the ones you definitely want and then let your guests know there are limited rooms available and that they should contact you if they want to stay.

If I’m invited to a wedding more than about 90 mins away I’d consider staying and would expect to pay to stay somewhere, I’d prefer it to be the wedding hotel but it’s not essential.

Hope that’s helpful? Feels a bit garbled...

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:13:51

I think that’s fine. Are you paying for the guests that stay in effect as part of the package? If you are chose the ones closest to you.

If you aren’t, say first come first served as limited availability,when the invitations go out.

BuildingBackUp Sun 24-Feb-19 11:13:52

Are you paying for people’s rooms? If so, you just choose those you’re closer to, or family only.

IceRebel Sun 24-Feb-19 11:13:54

there's over things they put on that just the guests staying can attend.

What other things?

If you're only planning on having 50 guests, then allowing 30 of them to stay when 20 have to leave or make other arrangements seems unfair. However if you're having 70+ guest then it's not such a big deal.

everydaymum Sun 24-Feb-19 11:15:02

It depends. If it's a long way from home I'd look to stay somewhere but wouldn't expect the bride/groom to arrange it. However, in some cases it's not possible to dedicate an entire weekend for a wedding (kids etc), and I don't think it's fair that some brides/grooms expect friends to do that. So, invite who you like but don't be offended if some can't come because of the distance.

Darkstar4855 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:15:37

You could say accommodation is first come first served - not everybody may want to stay and that’s fairer and easier than selecting people. You could also charge people for accommodation to make it fairer for anyone who pays to stay elsewhere. I recently went to a wedding where there was a charge of £60 per person to stay overnight which I thought was very fair.

Some people may choose not to come if the venue is that far away but it’s up to you to weigh up whether you would rather accept this and go with your venue of choice or pick somewhere closer so that more people come.

Finfintytint Sun 24-Feb-19 11:15:48

Is that the only package they offer? Once you speak to the venue they may offer you something more suited. There may be cheaper option where no rooms are included so you book for select few only.
Ive never been to a wedding where the hotel stay has been paid for. I just sent out a list of hotels and B and Bs in the area so guests could choose according to budget.

GirlOnIt Sun 24-Feb-19 11:21:30

And obviously other things not over!!* IceRebel*. It's things the day/night before the wedding. So probably not so bad as I'm guessing other guests would just stay for one night the night of the actual wedding. The deal is for two nights stay so the night before and night of the wedding. So includes meals and stuff for the night before and breakfast the morning after.

Yes we'd be paying for guests who stay at the hotel with us.
I wonder if it's fairer to just invite everyone to the wedding so no one just coming to the evening reception. I think that will cost quite a bit more though.

Kolo Sun 24-Feb-19 11:22:13

I wouldn’t be expecting a free hotel room if I was invited to a wedding. You could allocate the rooms you want to your really close family and friends and offer the rest out first come first served? I also think it’s pretty common to include a list of local hotels, with different budgets, for weddings that are further away. In my opinion it’s really up to the wedding guests to sort that for themselves, not for you to worry about.

Having said that, I did worry about lots of my friends not being able to make my own wedding. It was 2 hours away from home, back where I grew up and lots of my family were. But I’d lived in my current city for 10+ years and had lots of friends there that I wanted to come. I was really relieved and grateful that all the friends invited did come, and stayed in the hotels nearby.

BuildingBackUp Sun 24-Feb-19 11:23:41

Just don’t include the stay 🤷🏻‍♀️

Invite everyone to the wedding - give the option of staying at £X per night - they pay and stay if they want, first come first served.

You pay the the remainder if rooms go unfilled.

Use the money on a free bar/whatever.

GirlOnIt Sun 24-Feb-19 11:24:52

They are more flexible with midweek dates not in school holidays. But I know I've got friends and some family (mostly teachers) who just couldn't do midweek at all.

IceRebel Sun 24-Feb-19 11:25:53

Yes we'd be paying for guests who stay at the hotel with us.

That is madness, and so unnecessary. No one expects to have their room paid for.

GirlOnIt Sun 24-Feb-19 11:28:23

I think the stay is part of it though BuildingBackUp. So I think I'd want it to be family and our closest friends really. I think it's the evening part we need to re think and see if we can afford (or want to pay that much really) on having everyone come to the whole thing. Then I'm not sure if it's going to get too big as a wedding.

ChrisPrattsFace Sun 24-Feb-19 11:29:56

I think you’re over thinking it a bit!
With your invites just say there are limited rooms available and to contact whoever if they need one. Direct them to the local town or village for alternative accommodation.

We only had 16 rooms, some people didn’t want to stay even though it was three hours away, and some stayed near by but not our hotel.

Butterymuffin Sun 24-Feb-19 11:30:16

Are there other hotels nearby so people who aren't part of the 30 have options? If so then not a problem.

I do think though that asking people to travel 2.5 hours for just an evening reception isn't great. For me they are for local guests you aren't as close to, work colleagues.

GirlOnIt Sun 24-Feb-19 11:30:40

It's not the rooms as such. It's the whole thing, you hire the venue for the weekend. Tbf our families have said they'll contribute and I think it will end up being immediate family, best man and the bridesmaids (who are my best friends).

ChrisPrattsFace Sun 24-Feb-19 11:30:52

And we also asked for a contribution to those who stayed of £100. The cheapest room there was £225, so any who looked at the website knows they got a bargain, plus breakfast!

yearinyearout Sun 24-Feb-19 11:30:59

It's also worth bearing in mind what other accommodation is available locally. If it's in the middle of nowhere with no other hotels for miles that could cause a problem for those guests who don't get a room included. I would do some research into this beforehand so you have information for other guests, it may also affect your decision to have the wedding there.

Arowana Sun 24-Feb-19 11:31:56

I wouldn't expect my accommodation to be paid for if I was invited to a wedding.

SleepingStandingUp Sun 24-Feb-19 11:32:24

So there's a package where you get 15 rooms for 2 nights Inc meals, and wedding breakfast for 50? Then you're inviting say 28 to the evening do?

If you can afford that can you cover the rooms for say your parents and siblings, then offer the other rooms out first come first serve at a reduced rate? Use that to pay for the 20 to come all day?

GirlOnIt Sun 24-Feb-19 11:36:20

Would those of you who wouldn't expect accommodation paid for. Would you be offended at all if some guests had it paid for?

I'm probably ridiculously overthinking aren't I? And Dp is right and if people don't want to come they'll just say no and that's absolutely fine.

Arowana Sun 24-Feb-19 11:38:56

I guess I would be a bit offended if someone who I considered an "equal" friend to me had theirs paid for while I didn't. But not if it was someone who was a family member.

But I wouldn't expect mine paid for even if I was a family member!

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