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(133 Posts)
Deni88 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:09:20

In November we lost our Mother whom i loved dearly.
I have 3 children under 10 that I'm also trying to console. I have 2 siblings.

My mother left me in charge of her all her finances. My elder sister was not trusted by my mother for various and neither was my brother. My mother knew me to be a completely honest and fair daughter. I am honoured that my mother trusted me so much.

She left a few thousand pounds in my care. I had told both my brother and sister that once all the bills and various outgoings were complete I would equally divide up the money.
My brother had no issues with this and agreed this was the right thing. My sister's attitude towards me gradually changed. She became cold and hostile, freezing me out and her boyfriend became very rude to both my husband and I

She then demanded money from me for "clothes for the funeral to look sharp". It went from that to a visit from her on my son's birthday when she started swearing and slapped me across my face demanding that I split the money immediately. It was very upsetting. It's gone all quite Jeremy Kyle and I'm completely shocked at her behaviour.
I'm fustrated with my brother as he is sitting on the fence not wanting to get involved and his girlfriend is siding with my sister.
There are still pending items that are due to come out of the cash. I am still grieving my mum and feel close to break down over this disgusting mess. I paid some money into my sister's account to quiet her down, but her boyfriend recently threatened my husband for all money immediately.
I could never believe that she could behave like this over money, when we are suffering a huge loss. AIBU, did I do the right thing??? AIBU to want to cut her off for ever, because right now I feel I no longer want her in my life.
Sorry for the long rant, it's been a really dreadful time.

Oldraver Sun 24-Feb-19 10:12:51

If it's a few thousand pounds will there be any left ?

FamilyOfAliens Sun 24-Feb-19 10:13:11

I don’t understand - did your mother leave a will naming you as executor?

Otherwise I can understand why your sister might want to know you’re accounting for all expenses and disbursing your mother’s assets legally.

I would report her to the police for the assault, though.

Merryoldgoat Sun 24-Feb-19 10:17:47

Your sister is behaving badly but what’s taking so long? ‘A few thousand pounds’ doesn’t sound like there’s much of a estate so why not just divide it up and cut her loose?

PettyContractor Sun 24-Feb-19 10:17:58

Report her to police for slap, report her husband for threatening. Have nothing more to do with either.

It doesn't matter if there aren't any convictions, the police talking to them would be something.

DangerMouse17 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:19:03

Well she sounds totally unreasonable and I'm sorry that she slapped you OP. What a horrid way to treat you.

As PP asks...Will there be any money actually left once bills are cleared? Seems like your sis thinks you're sitting on squillions...hmm

PotteryLady Sun 24-Feb-19 10:19:34

I don't think you should have given her anything yet. I think that has made it worse as you have rewarded her behaviour. Also what about your brother, he has seen you payout to your sister and not him.

Hadalifeonce Sun 24-Feb-19 10:20:08

Absolutely appalling behaviour by your sister. I am sure someone will come along to say it's her grief. I would have the least contact possible until your mother's estate is finalised, then go no contact. It must be so difficult, to be grieving at the same time as having to sort out the estate, and deal with obnoxious people. Stand your ground, do not give out any more money until everything has been finalised, something may come out of the woodwork, which will be more expensive than you thought.
A parent dying is so difficult, my heart goes out to you.

lumpinmythroat Sun 24-Feb-19 10:20:26

Are you the executor?

Lollypop701 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:20:35

You can’t split the money till all the expenses have been paid as you don’t know how much there is. If your brother is sitting on the fence tell him that any overpayment to sister will come out of his share. A few thousand doesn’t go far with a funeral to pay for. I wouldn’t give her any more money. I have to say if my siblings behaved like this I would go nc.

PettyContractor Sun 24-Feb-19 10:21:46

I don’t understand - did your mother leave a will naming you as executor?

If her only assets are a few thousand pounds in a bank account, she could have simply have turned a bank account into a joint account with her daughter so the daughter could manage it.

No need for wills when assets are only a small amount of cash, and you have children you can trust.

LagunaBubbles Sun 24-Feb-19 10:21:51

Disgusting behaviour, money can really bring our the worst in some people. I would be cutting contact.

WWWWicked Sun 24-Feb-19 10:23:45

I don’t understand the delay in distributing the money? Did your mum leave a will with you as executor? Are you providing your siblings with copies of the bills and various outgoings?

Deni88 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:25:06

The way she is behaving is like there is millions.
@Merryoldgoat, there is a balance on the funeral and the houseclearance final gas and electric bills .
My mum left no will, left me in charge of all her finances. My mother DID NOT trust my sister to handle money

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 24-Feb-19 10:26:13

A few thousand will just about pay for a funeral. What is your sister expecting?

PregnantSea Sun 24-Feb-19 10:27:12

Unfortunately these situations do often bring out an ugly side of people you thought you knew. Without going into a long boring story I can tell you that I've seen this in my family a while back - fortunately I was young enough to not be directly in charge of any money so I didn't take much heat, but I was shocked and upset by the way some of my relatives behaved. You think everyone is thinking of the person they lost, but it turns out that some of them are only seeing pound signs.

Sorry that you're going through this OP. Stand your ground and sort everything out fairly. If sister threatens you or hits you again just call the police. Not much else you can do I'm afraid.

Deni88 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:27:34

Thank you @Hadalifeonce.

FamilyOfAliens Sun 24-Feb-19 10:28:28

No need for wills when assets are only a small amount of cash, and you have children you can trust.

I wasn’t aware this was the law, but whether it is or not, probate exists to ensure a deceased’s assets are disbursed legally and to avoid situations such as the OP’s.

Are we assuming the OP’s mother doesn’t have a house or any other significant assets?

RB68 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:30:24

You Mums estate needs to go into probate and be dealt with legally - stop handing money out immediately and put it all in the hands of a solicitor - yes it may cost but frankly you have two choices - do this and get it all legally tied up or deal with your sister and her boyfriend abusing and assaulting you for the rest of your life

FamilyOfAliens Sun 24-Feb-19 10:30:46

Sorry, OP, that last sentence should have been a question to you.

I think if your mum died intestate, you have to tread carefully around managing her assets, small though they may be. Your sister could challenge you in the courts if she felt you weren’t doing everything fairly and legally.

Charles11 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:31:04

What if you listed all the expenses so far and emailed them to your brother and sister?
Let them know what else is still outstanding and how much money is still left. Let your sister know that anything she takes upfront will be adjusted for inthe final share.
Be transparent so your sister has no reason to not trust what your doing.

longearedbat Sun 24-Feb-19 10:31:22

Was there a will op? Are you the executor?
Have you settled the bill with the funeral people?
Your sisters behaviour is dreadful. Not trying to excuse her, but does she think there is more money than there actually is?
Deal with the pending items and distribute what's left ASAP, then you can ignore your sister and get on with grieving and your own life. She sounds an awful person, but money can bring out the worst in people.

frazzledasarock Sun 24-Feb-19 10:31:40

Can you get an estimate of how much the house clearance will be, a quote of the currrent outstanding bills including funeral costs then email the list or both siblings along with how much is sitting in bank currently and how much will(not) be left after paying all the above.

Also ask how they’d like to be paying their share of the bills.

If there is money left after all the debts are cleared tell them how much they’ll get, and when, remember to deduct the amount you’ve already paid your sister. She sounds horrible.

JustTwoMoreSecs Sun 24-Feb-19 10:32:24

I would email them all stating how much is on the account and which expenses are still to be paid. Tell them this is how things are supposed to be done.
Just be factual, you are doing nothing wrong.

TheShiteRunner Sun 24-Feb-19 10:33:05

How are you able to control your mother's money if she left no will? Aren't her finances frozen by the bank until inheritance is sorted?
Of course your sister IBU but I do understand that she is frustrated if your mother left no will and you have taken charge.

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