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What is best for DC, their Mum moving out or staying when a shit Mum?

(162 Posts)
Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 09:11:14

Interested if anybody out there knows about children's phychology, mental health. If your mum is loving and things good most of time but she regularlly loses it (shouting, screaming occasionally hitting), is it better for her to move out (but you still see her). I'm thinking of doing this, DC (age 8 & 12) and DH don't want me to. I think it might be best as I'm an awful mum at times (am already on anti depressants, getting outside support, been on parenting course etc) still awful sometimes. Older DC has Apspergers. Their dad is a good one.

NutElla5x Sun 24-Feb-19 19:28:59

Crackerjacker I don't know how long you've been finding things difficult or what sort of outside support you're getting right now,but I would definitely go back to the doctor and tell them you are finding it hard to cope at the moment. They may suggest a change of AD,offer you anger management classes and/or some practical help. In the meantime do you have any family or close friends who you could stay with temporarily ,just while you get yourself into a better headspace? I really think you need a break as much as anything else. Good luck op flowers

MumUnderTheMoon Sun 24-Feb-19 15:58:15

I couple of years ago I got help for my temper. I'm not an abusive mum but some of my anger felt like it was getting there which was horrible and while we still adored each other I hated the anger and frustration. I had therapy and parenting support provided through the nspcc. It really helped me to identify the positives in my parenting and accept the things I wasn't great at. Tbh the best thing I ever did was accept my limitations. My dd has complex additional needs and I have a chronic illness and am also autistic. She hates being told what to do and is frankly a bossy little madam which used to really frustrate me. So we no longer engage in activities which require me giving her direction.

TacoLover Sun 24-Feb-19 15:56:41

I accept that working with SN children and bringing them up can't be compared. I said this in my post already.

My point is that whatever pressure you are under does not force you to abuse your children. Nobody forces you to abuse someone. Nobody would tell an abusive husband that it isn't his fault if he hits his wife because he has severe depression. My issue was with a poster saying that it isn't the OP's fault that she hits her children because it's hard to bring up SN children. I find this attitude disgusting and to be minimising abuse. There is never an excuse for abuse.

and you know exactly what my point is

I actually don't. Could you please tell me? I honestly can't see how hitting your children is not your fault. You don't suddenly get relieved of responsibility for your actions because your life is hard.

imip Sun 24-Feb-19 15:40:23

taco I also sadly lost my first dc to stillbirth and I am sorry you experienced this also.

Having SN children also pushed my mental coping abilities to similar extremes in different ways. I feel I have ptsd in similar ways from both events. They are both experiences in my life (and unfortunately a violent upbringing) that pushed my mental health to the edge.

YogaWannabe Sun 24-Feb-19 15:37:33

But Taco you literally said This post(only copied one but can find more if you wish)
I have merely taken you up on your offer as I have read the entire thread and still come to the conclusion you are lying re: “the amount of people” when it was in fact one

imip Sun 24-Feb-19 15:37:26

Op said her dc has aspergers, iirc.

imip Sun 24-Feb-19 15:36:45

I work with SN children as well as having two autistic dc (vastly different disabilities btw). Working with and parenting SN children are completely different. I am still frequently woken up during the night by a 10 year old. As a worker, I get holidays, weekends and nights. My children I have have forever.

The two roles can never be compared.

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 15:04:04

pool, it's somewhere at the beginning - ds has autism

PotolBabu Sun 24-Feb-19 15:01:34

One thing, the OP hasn’t admitted that her DS has SN. And used meltdown in quotation marks. Is your DC diagnosed? Is he getting support?

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 15:00:13

I work with children who have SN. I know that isn't the same as bringing them up

yes, you are right. you have a life outside work unlike OP.

and you know exactly what my point is.

TacoLover Sun 24-Feb-19 14:55:47

taco do you have first hand experience of bringing up and caring for a child with SN?I do - I don't hit btw - but I can totally understand how one can lose it after years of battling and strugging

I work with children who have SN. I know that isn't the same as bringing them up but I work with them every day.

I'm struggling to see what your point is. Being stretched to the limit is not an excuse to abuse your children, and so I don't see how this means it's not the OP's fault? She may be struggling immensely but that doesn't mean she doesn't have control over her actions. Screaming and hitting your children is abuse whether you want to admit it or not, and if you hit someone it is your fault for hitting them. You don't suddenly lose responsibility for your actions because you have a hard life. When I had my first stillborn I was in immense grief and suffering. Would that have meant it wasn't my fault if I had hit my DH? No.

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:48:56

taco do you have first hand experience of bringing up and caring for a child with SN?

I do - I don't hit btw - but I can totally understand how one can lose it after years of battling and strugging

TacoLover Sun 24-Feb-19 14:45:56

it's not the DCs' fault. nor OP. the issue is that we have a system that starves families of children with SN of support until things crack and the wheels come off.

It is clear like you said that the OP is under a huge amount of pressure and doesn't have enough support but saying it's not the OP's fault is just bullshit. She is abusing her children. That is her fault. Nobody is making her do that. Nobody is forcing her to hit her children.

ElizabethMountbatten Sun 24-Feb-19 14:44:02

@Crackerjackerknacker

I get how difficult it must be to live with a child whose additional needs are so challenging and who can appear to be very badly behaved and confrontational. If you were on here telling us this about a man, people would be screaming with rage about how horribly abusive he is and insisting you leave for your children's sake. Double standards. I don't think you need to move and I don't think you're abusive, unless there's more to this than you've said. I think you're struggling with a very tricky, very high needs situation and you're feeling anxious and cornered a lot of the time. You're not trying to hurt or traumatise people, you're trying to assert your own needs not to be hurt. This is how more than half of the planet does this. If they're cornered and feeling threatened, they will lash out. But you've recognised that the effect is negative and long lasting. That's good. You can perhaps try some CBT for yourself or some reprogramming which will enable you to walk away before a situation escalates. Which is challenging, because it's dependent on the reactions and actions of others. I'm sorry you're in this place, OP, but for your own sake as well as your family, don't give up. Try and find a way to make it work.

TacoLover Sun 24-Feb-19 14:43:25

@TacoLover yeah please do because “the amount of people” = one post, is quite a jump.

Do I have to go through the entire thread copying and pasting posts to gather more evidence(already given some) for a point I have already proven? If you are so sceptical you could go through the thread yourself, no? Or do you lack reading comprehension?

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:43:07

it's not the DCs' fault. nor OP. the issue is that we have a system that starves families of children with SN of support until things crack and the wheels come off.

maybe moving out is the right step to force the system to put help on place flowers

YogaWannabe Sun 24-Feb-19 14:40:00

@TacoLover yeah please do because “the amount of people” = one post, is quite a jump.

pollyname Sun 24-Feb-19 14:37:36

Well done OP, you sound like you are heading down the right path. I recently had to face up in therapy that I was getting overly frustrated with my own DS. It was such a weight off my shoulders seeing my behaviour in context and actually being able to do something about it.

Could you also look at doing 'natural' consequences for you DS - ie, leave the house in your PJs if you don't get dressed? Or set up trips for things he will miss if he doesn't get himself organised - pizza, cinema. I found myself feeling much less frustrated with parenting when I picked a parenting strategy and just stuck to it.

TacoLover Sun 24-Feb-19 14:33:38

Where?

It sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you

This post(only copied one but can find more if you wish) is saying that the problem doesn't lie with the OP's parenting but with the children.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 14:29:30

Thanks stopfuckingshoutingatme - you just made me cry (in a good way).
My steps for this next week I've decided are:
1.have 5 nights away as a liitle break/headspace/rest (I'll be going to work in day but can have stress free eves). Dc can do after school clubs this week (which they like) and explain to dc its just that, a few days Mum break, I'm not leaving them.
2. Be totally honest and spill beans to social worker including hitting.
3. Get a cleaner each week to help with some of domestics. We can't afford it but it's cheaper than me moving out permanently and my DC's well being (and me being less stressed to help that) is worth it. Will just have to economise on other things.
Beyond this week will also look into more parenting guidance incl stuff some posters have mentioned on here.
Will also see if I can change things at work /change jobs to something less demanding.
Thank you for the helpful posts.

YogaWannabe Sun 24-Feb-19 14:26:07

suggesting she is a fine parent the way she is.

Where?

TacoLover Sun 24-Feb-19 14:21:06

This thread is disgusting, the amount of people excusing the OP's actions and suggesting she is a fine parent the way she is. She is screaming, shouting and hitting her children. That is literally the definition of child abuse! The OP is a child abuser, and people in here are actually blaming the children?! Words fail me. OP glad to see you are moving out. Don't go back until you're prepared to not abuse them when you get angry.

PregnantSea Sun 24-Feb-19 14:15:50

If you're hitting the kids sometimes then it is right that you move out. Maybe you can find a way to deal with these issues and gradually become a bigger part of their lives again in the future?

stopfuckingshoutingatme Sun 24-Feb-19 13:44:19

And I really applaud you for being so honest , to facing up the the issue and for taking charge . So few people do

You have inspired me a bit OP flowers

I wish you the very best and I really hope some respite and rest and advice comes your way and you can make some baby steps to turn this around

stopfuckingshoutingatme Sun 24-Feb-19 13:40:11

It sounds to me like you are on edge permanently
And maybe a short break would do you
Good to clear head , and re focus

Lots and lots of sympathy from this end . I feel like you sometimes .

I think getting a break and some headspace could go more good than harm

Explain that you love them but you have to get better

Now as to what to do and where to go I cannot answer but if a in-stay mental health retreat within budget possible ? Sometimes you need to do something fairly drastic to fix the issue .

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