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What is best for DC, their Mum moving out or staying when a shit Mum?

(162 Posts)
Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 09:11:14

Interested if anybody out there knows about children's phychology, mental health. If your mum is loving and things good most of time but she regularlly loses it (shouting, screaming occasionally hitting), is it better for her to move out (but you still see her). I'm thinking of doing this, DC (age 8 & 12) and DH don't want me to. I think it might be best as I'm an awful mum at times (am already on anti depressants, getting outside support, been on parenting course etc) still awful sometimes. Older DC has Apspergers. Their dad is a good one.

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 14:48:56

taco do you have first hand experience of bringing up and caring for a child with SN?

I do - I don't hit btw - but I can totally understand how one can lose it after years of battling and strugging

TacoLover Sun 24-Feb-19 14:55:47

taco do you have first hand experience of bringing up and caring for a child with SN?I do - I don't hit btw - but I can totally understand how one can lose it after years of battling and strugging

I work with children who have SN. I know that isn't the same as bringing them up but I work with them every day.

I'm struggling to see what your point is. Being stretched to the limit is not an excuse to abuse your children, and so I don't see how this means it's not the OP's fault? She may be struggling immensely but that doesn't mean she doesn't have control over her actions. Screaming and hitting your children is abuse whether you want to admit it or not, and if you hit someone it is your fault for hitting them. You don't suddenly lose responsibility for your actions because you have a hard life. When I had my first stillborn I was in immense grief and suffering. Would that have meant it wasn't my fault if I had hit my DH? No.

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 15:00:13

I work with children who have SN. I know that isn't the same as bringing them up

yes, you are right. you have a life outside work unlike OP.

and you know exactly what my point is.

PotolBabu Sun 24-Feb-19 15:01:34

One thing, the OP hasn’t admitted that her DS has SN. And used meltdown in quotation marks. Is your DC diagnosed? Is he getting support?

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 15:04:04

pool, it's somewhere at the beginning - ds has autism

imip Sun 24-Feb-19 15:36:45

I work with SN children as well as having two autistic dc (vastly different disabilities btw). Working with and parenting SN children are completely different. I am still frequently woken up during the night by a 10 year old. As a worker, I get holidays, weekends and nights. My children I have have forever.

The two roles can never be compared.

imip Sun 24-Feb-19 15:37:26

Op said her dc has aspergers, iirc.

YogaWannabe Sun 24-Feb-19 15:37:33

But Taco you literally said This post(only copied one but can find more if you wish)
I have merely taken you up on your offer as I have read the entire thread and still come to the conclusion you are lying re: “the amount of people” when it was in fact one

imip Sun 24-Feb-19 15:40:23

taco I also sadly lost my first dc to stillbirth and I am sorry you experienced this also.

Having SN children also pushed my mental coping abilities to similar extremes in different ways. I feel I have ptsd in similar ways from both events. They are both experiences in my life (and unfortunately a violent upbringing) that pushed my mental health to the edge.

TacoLover Sun 24-Feb-19 15:56:41

I accept that working with SN children and bringing them up can't be compared. I said this in my post already.

My point is that whatever pressure you are under does not force you to abuse your children. Nobody forces you to abuse someone. Nobody would tell an abusive husband that it isn't his fault if he hits his wife because he has severe depression. My issue was with a poster saying that it isn't the OP's fault that she hits her children because it's hard to bring up SN children. I find this attitude disgusting and to be minimising abuse. There is never an excuse for abuse.

and you know exactly what my point is

I actually don't. Could you please tell me? I honestly can't see how hitting your children is not your fault. You don't suddenly get relieved of responsibility for your actions because your life is hard.

MumUnderTheMoon Sun 24-Feb-19 15:58:15

I couple of years ago I got help for my temper. I'm not an abusive mum but some of my anger felt like it was getting there which was horrible and while we still adored each other I hated the anger and frustration. I had therapy and parenting support provided through the nspcc. It really helped me to identify the positives in my parenting and accept the things I wasn't great at. Tbh the best thing I ever did was accept my limitations. My dd has complex additional needs and I have a chronic illness and am also autistic. She hates being told what to do and is frankly a bossy little madam which used to really frustrate me. So we no longer engage in activities which require me giving her direction.

NutElla5x Sun 24-Feb-19 19:28:59

Crackerjacker I don't know how long you've been finding things difficult or what sort of outside support you're getting right now,but I would definitely go back to the doctor and tell them you are finding it hard to cope at the moment. They may suggest a change of AD,offer you anger management classes and/or some practical help. In the meantime do you have any family or close friends who you could stay with temporarily ,just while you get yourself into a better headspace? I really think you need a break as much as anything else. Good luck op flowers

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