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What is best for DC, their Mum moving out or staying when a shit Mum?

(162 Posts)
Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 09:11:14

Interested if anybody out there knows about children's phychology, mental health. If your mum is loving and things good most of time but she regularlly loses it (shouting, screaming occasionally hitting), is it better for her to move out (but you still see her). I'm thinking of doing this, DC (age 8 & 12) and DH don't want me to. I think it might be best as I'm an awful mum at times (am already on anti depressants, getting outside support, been on parenting course etc) still awful sometimes. Older DC has Apspergers. Their dad is a good one.

WorraLiberty Sun 24-Feb-19 10:44:07

Then why did you mention it?

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Feb-19 10:44:40

Crackerjackerknacker do you hit your children?
Yes = move out while you seek help, go through therapy and review of medication, see children in public or under supervision.
No = don't move out but still seek help as above.

Ribbonsonabox Sun 24-Feb-19 10:45:19

If you feel it will benefit you and improve your behaviour and parenting... then do it! Perhaps you need a break in which to get proper sleep and proper stress free time... get linked in with some CBT and parenting classes. I think it's good you are being honest with yourself and looking for ways to change. This could just be a temporary thing. It's best to spend time away from the children if you really feel you are being nasty to them.
My husbands mother moved out briefly when he was a child and she was dealing with some mental health issues.. just for a couple of months and he doesn't remember much about it and they still have a good relationship now. Sometimes you have to take these steps in order to get better. Doesn't matter what other people think, if it allows you to 'reset' and become a better parent then it is a good thing.

Good luck with it flowers

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:45:26

I came on to genuinely find out (from someone who knows about this stuff professionally), which is the least worse option for my kids? They are distraught at the prospect of me moving out so I feel really guilty doing that but I also feel really guilty at the way I have behaved at times and I know that no matter how 'difficult' dc are, there is no excuse for losing control, for loads of reasons. For starters, an awful model for DC.

Hospitaldramafamily Sun 24-Feb-19 10:46:17

You say your DC don't want you to leave - why do they even know you're contemplating that? That bit sounds self indulgent to me - like you're hoping they'll say that your behaviour doesn't matter, or that you're using the threat of leaving to make everyone behave. They are children; they shouldn't be involved in those discussions

zippey Sun 24-Feb-19 10:46:38

It sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you.

Leaving would leave the parenting burden to one person and things would only get worse. My suggestion is to work together to get better techniques to parent better.

Decreasing your work load at hone might be an idea. Can you husband do more? Can you hire a cleaner or nanny?

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Feb-19 10:48:46

It doesn't matter that the child you hit is nearly as big as you.

If had a DD who was nearly as big and nearly as strong as her boyfriend and he hit her (even once but especially more than once) would you say it's no big deal/ her fault for provoking him?

SoyDora Sun 24-Feb-19 10:48:47

Why have you told the DC that you’re thinking of leaving? Surely best to put a plan in place and then present it to them, along with the benefits?

Gazelda Sun 24-Feb-19 10:50:22

It sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you.
Really?! The children are the problem?!

They are living with a DM who has mental health problems. A DF who works a lot and is stressed. Their DM is loving sometimes, shouty, aggressive and violent at others. They probs lay never know which DM will be in the house when they get back from school. How the hell are the children the problem?

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 10:50:26

This is incredibly sad.

I know sometimes children go ‘wrong’ but this is almost certainly learned behaviour and it is extremely manipulative to tell them you are thinking of leaving - of course they are distraught. Poor kids sad

Misty9 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:51:44

I've sent you a pm. Do you ever get any respite? I would reassure your dc that you'll always love them and be there for them as a parent leaving is a frightening prospect for a child.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:51:57

Frequency - shouting at them probaby a few times a week (when I'm being ignored, trying to get them out of house etc). Not daily. I've been physical with oldest DC twice in two months. He has a 'meltdown' once most weeks. In latter stages of which I often end up screaming at him as I crack (his 'meltdowns' can go on for a few hours).

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Feb-19 10:53:19

Have a read of this link Crackerjackerknacker
www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-protection-system/parental-mental-health/

Stuckforthefourthtime Sun 24-Feb-19 10:53:54

No one would suggest a violent father stays in the family home, it’s no different if it’s the mother.

^This. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but if you cannot control your anger around your dcs then yes you should move out. The fact they want you to stay doesn't matter at this point - my sister's DC's wanted their dad to stay even though he hit them.

I do know it can be incredibly hard with older DCs with additional needs, and hope you can get further support to be able to live together as a healthy family soon.

Pishogue Sun 24-Feb-19 10:54:42

Re their Dad, we is working full time in a stressful job with difficult new boss. He trys his best. My job is also stressful but part time now. I have always been the 'manager' at home and carry the emotional load for most things in our lives and family, all the sorting out, remembering stuff etc- as most women do unfortunately.

There's part of your problem. He's not 'trying his best', he's 'just' working. Most of us juggle demanding FT jobs with parenting and household chores and remembering swimming bags, Beavers, birthday parties and playdates, and in this house it's certainly not all on me purely because I have a vagina that supposedly makes me a whiz at multi-tasking. hmm

Your husband needs to do a fair amount, regardless of what he does for a living.

WorraLiberty Sun 24-Feb-19 10:55:44

I agree the children shouldn't know you're thinking of leaving and that it should've been presented to them, after the plan was put in place.

Generally no matter how abusive a parent is, the children will never want them to leave even if it is the best thing to do at the time.

IDoN0tCare Sun 24-Feb-19 10:56:30

Is there any way you can get help at home? Can you afford an au pair, so at least you have someone else helping you to look after the children? You might find that your mental health will improve with extra support, when your husband isn’t there.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:56:56

I told oldest DC I was going to maybe move out for a little while in a calm conversation with him - I described it in a positive way, not as a threat. I said how much I would always love him no matter what and would still see him lots but it might be good for us both to have a bit of breathing space for a while.

IDoN0tCare Sun 24-Feb-19 10:58:13

But if you move out, who is going to look after the children?

pollyname Sun 24-Feb-19 10:58:35

It sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you.

It is nothing to do with the children AT ALL. OP, if you are hitting your children I do suggest you leave. There is nothing your children are doing to warrant this. They deserve to having a happy home where they are safe and accepted. I don't think you are a bad person but you need help desperately.

My father blamed us for his behaviour - was it detrimental to us? YES.
My sister has very bad judgement in terms of men, we both struggle with bad self esteem and struggle to trust people. I'm in therapy but I'm not sure if a day will ever come when I don't feel I'm as worthless as my father clearly thought I was. I think you need to leave and start working on yourself, there are no excuses.

Your children might be behaving badly as they are nervous or scared around you. That was the case with me and my sister, and I've noticed it when my own DS is around my dad.

BuildingBackUp Sun 24-Feb-19 10:59:27

Based on the frequency op and your description - And if the dc are generally happy and well adjusted etc - I would stay and seek immediate anger management and parenting classes, to help you control a short fuse.

If the ‘hit’ is actually a punch or you’re scared you might seriously injure someone, leave now.

Either way, I agree with a pp - this is not a family decision. The most harmful thing you can do is discuss the possibility of a parent leaving with the dc.

Hospitaldramafamily Sun 24-Feb-19 10:59:36

That's an unfair burden to put on thrm- no matter how calm the conversation. Try looking at that through the eyes of a child

CJsGoldfish Sun 24-Feb-19 11:01:27

Are you threatening to leave them OP when they misbehave? Otherwise why are they begging you to stay?
If you are playing mind games with your children maybe you should leave. Then again, if you do they will know it's their fault because you have told them. What a horrible burden to lay at their feet sad

converseandjeans Sun 24-Feb-19 11:02:48

Financially it might be better to get more paid help. Could you get a cleaner, pay for kids to do more activities, send the youngest to child minder for couple of hours after school? To give you more respite?
Eldest sounds like they are trying to get attention. I don't think leaving will necessarily help. It sounds like the kids are going to feel like it's their fault. You need support in dealing with their behaviour for sure.

IDoN0tCare Sun 24-Feb-19 11:02:56

It’s incredibly raising a child with additional needs, not that I’m excusing the hitting. I know there are times when I just want my youngest to shut up and stop being so clingy. I just want a bit of peace, though thankfully I hold my tongue and take myself to the ‘safe space’, otherwise known as the toilet. 😁

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