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What is best for DC, their Mum moving out or staying when a shit Mum?

(162 Posts)
Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 09:11:14

Interested if anybody out there knows about children's phychology, mental health. If your mum is loving and things good most of time but she regularlly loses it (shouting, screaming occasionally hitting), is it better for her to move out (but you still see her). I'm thinking of doing this, DC (age 8 & 12) and DH don't want me to. I think it might be best as I'm an awful mum at times (am already on anti depressants, getting outside support, been on parenting course etc) still awful sometimes. Older DC has Apspergers. Their dad is a good one.

Shouldbedoing Sun 24-Feb-19 09:14:01

Cracker, you just need more help with your mental health /psychological support. Your kids need you and they're all telling you they want you . Be kinder to yourself x

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 09:14:56

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IVEgottheDECAF Sun 24-Feb-19 09:15:33

My mum was a shit mum. I only remember the negatives. She left when i was younger than your dc. We had weekly contact for a while, now no contact. I cannot stand the woman. I am glad she left. She has issues and i don't need her shit, neither do my own dc.

However i don't remember good and loving times like you describe.

niceupthedanceagain Sun 24-Feb-19 09:17:10

In your position I would probably seek family or individual therapy before I moved out.

Halo84 Sun 24-Feb-19 09:17:36

Get help for your issues while staying home. This is depression talking.

hatriet Sun 24-Feb-19 09:19:38

Currently in the middle of therapy as my Dad was very, very difficult and mean with us. He has a good side and I love him but it really would have been nicer if he had left. Everyone loses it occasionally but it is how you do it - I'll say loudly 'I've had it now'. I don't think this is nice for everyone but I don't think it is particularly harmful. Have you tried therapy yourself? I don't think you have ended up like this because you are a bad person.

Oysterbabe Sun 24-Feb-19 09:25:43

If you're hitting your children then you need to leave. If you were a man no one would suggest you should stay.

Absofuckinglutely Sun 24-Feb-19 09:26:06

The fact you can see things are going wrong and want to do something about it, tells me you are NOT a shit mum.
I don't think moving out would help solve anything, it seems that more support for you is what's needed.
Do you have anyone to talk to? I think you're being very hard on yourself. The hitting part is concerning, that needs to be addressed, but op please try not to be so hard on yourself.
Perhaps the first stop would be to get some counselling and try to untangle this. Ive never been on anti depressants, but I believe they can take time to work and you might have to try a few before you find something right for you.
Don't lose hope, things can get better.

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 09:40:51

Apply that to a different context.

An abusive man is sorry after hitting his wife and wants to change.

An alcoholic feels awful after going on a bender and vows never again.

I don’t think OP is being hard on herself. Honesty is good but she loses control and screams and shouts and hits? So she is presumably not working and is banned from public transport and the local shops and banks and other services?

This could be the case I suppose but more likely the loss of control is actually premeditated and the children are used as punch bags while she winds down. Otherwise the loss of control and anger issues would happen elsewhere.

megletthesecond Sun 24-Feb-19 09:48:11

How good is their dad really? Is everything left to you and you are simply crumbling under pressure?
Also, if you're heading for your 40's consider your hormones might be going haywire too.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:25:31

Continuallychargingmyphone - I am working and don't shout and scream in public, how bizzare you assume that. My colleagues and general public don't behave like my DC so I don't get angry at them. I'm not justifying my behaviour but the 'provocation' and stress I experience at home is like nothing I encounter in other areas of life. And as with most people, home is very different to public.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:27:49

None of it is ever premeditated and I don't 'use them as punchbags'. You sound like you have history but no need to vent it on me.

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 10:28:20

You’ve missed my point.

So when you are at work you don’t scream and shout and hit.

It’s just at home. So you CAN control yourself, you choose not to.

Doyoumind Sun 24-Feb-19 10:29:35

It sounds like you need CBT and a review of your meds. You might move out temporarily but this sounds like an issue you want to and could resolve.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:33:34

If a colleague came up to my desk, grabbed a load of my work and ripped it up and scratched on my computer screen with a rock, yes I would get angry, but they don't. My older DS has done equivalent things in a domestic setting.

PinkHeart5914 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:33:55

No matter what your mental health, if you’ve hit your child you go. If my dh ever hit any of our children he’s be gone, mental heath or not.

Also screaming at a child absolutely unacceptable, they are children smaller than you. You do not scream at them

A bully will always find a way to defend the behaviour

If you aren’t in a position to be a good mum right now. You need to leave and sort yourself out, come back when in a better place and try to repair some of the damage you’ve done to them

SoyDora Sun 24-Feb-19 10:37:22

Just to confirm, are you hitting your children? If so then yes I think it’s best you leave while you get help. No one would suggest a violent father stays in the family home, it’s no different if it’s the mother.

WorraLiberty Sun 24-Feb-19 10:37:58

It sounds really really tough OP.

But ultimately, if you can't put iron clad measures in place to stop you from hitting your children, you need to move out while you get help to cope with your anger.

Jackshouse Sun 24-Feb-19 10:38:12

It’s complex but both are very physiological to your children. What do SS say?

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:38:27

Re their Dad, we is working full time in a stressful job with difficult new boss. He trys his best. My job is also stressful but part time now. I have always been the 'manager' at home and carry the emotional load for most things in our lives and family, all the sorting out, remembering stuff etc- as most women do unfortunately.

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 10:38:33

Take a step back op.

Honestly - and I mean this kindly - you started off with self flagellation and I think you were hoping to elicit posts like Absos.

When some expressed concern you’ve now in effect ‘blamed’ the children.

So what’s really going on and maybe we can help.

AuntMarch Sun 24-Feb-19 10:39:04

I would not keep anyone in my home who was violent towards and screamed at my children but the fact you see it's not ok is a positive. You now need to seek help to change it.

Have you read anything about children's behaviour/development? You can learn more effective parenting techniques.

Find out if there are any family links courses in your area, or what other support there might be.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:41:07

I'm seeing SS this week. The DC I have hit is almost as big/strong as me (but I'm not defending it).

BuildingBackUp Sun 24-Feb-19 10:43:49

How often op?

If it’s daily, I’d say move out until you get therapy/anger management etc.

If it’s once a fortnight, I’d say stay and work on it.

WorraLiberty Sun 24-Feb-19 10:44:07

Then why did you mention it?

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Feb-19 10:44:40

Crackerjackerknacker do you hit your children?
Yes = move out while you seek help, go through therapy and review of medication, see children in public or under supervision.
No = don't move out but still seek help as above.

Ribbonsonabox Sun 24-Feb-19 10:45:19

If you feel it will benefit you and improve your behaviour and parenting... then do it! Perhaps you need a break in which to get proper sleep and proper stress free time... get linked in with some CBT and parenting classes. I think it's good you are being honest with yourself and looking for ways to change. This could just be a temporary thing. It's best to spend time away from the children if you really feel you are being nasty to them.
My husbands mother moved out briefly when he was a child and she was dealing with some mental health issues.. just for a couple of months and he doesn't remember much about it and they still have a good relationship now. Sometimes you have to take these steps in order to get better. Doesn't matter what other people think, if it allows you to 'reset' and become a better parent then it is a good thing.

Good luck with it flowers

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:45:26

I came on to genuinely find out (from someone who knows about this stuff professionally), which is the least worse option for my kids? They are distraught at the prospect of me moving out so I feel really guilty doing that but I also feel really guilty at the way I have behaved at times and I know that no matter how 'difficult' dc are, there is no excuse for losing control, for loads of reasons. For starters, an awful model for DC.

Hospitaldramafamily Sun 24-Feb-19 10:46:17

You say your DC don't want you to leave - why do they even know you're contemplating that? That bit sounds self indulgent to me - like you're hoping they'll say that your behaviour doesn't matter, or that you're using the threat of leaving to make everyone behave. They are children; they shouldn't be involved in those discussions

zippey Sun 24-Feb-19 10:46:38

It sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you.

Leaving would leave the parenting burden to one person and things would only get worse. My suggestion is to work together to get better techniques to parent better.

Decreasing your work load at hone might be an idea. Can you husband do more? Can you hire a cleaner or nanny?

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Feb-19 10:48:46

It doesn't matter that the child you hit is nearly as big as you.

If had a DD who was nearly as big and nearly as strong as her boyfriend and he hit her (even once but especially more than once) would you say it's no big deal/ her fault for provoking him?

SoyDora Sun 24-Feb-19 10:48:47

Why have you told the DC that you’re thinking of leaving? Surely best to put a plan in place and then present it to them, along with the benefits?

Gazelda Sun 24-Feb-19 10:50:22

It sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you.
Really?! The children are the problem?!

They are living with a DM who has mental health problems. A DF who works a lot and is stressed. Their DM is loving sometimes, shouty, aggressive and violent at others. They probs lay never know which DM will be in the house when they get back from school. How the hell are the children the problem?

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 10:50:26

This is incredibly sad.

I know sometimes children go ‘wrong’ but this is almost certainly learned behaviour and it is extremely manipulative to tell them you are thinking of leaving - of course they are distraught. Poor kids sad

Misty9 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:51:44

I've sent you a pm. Do you ever get any respite? I would reassure your dc that you'll always love them and be there for them as a parent leaving is a frightening prospect for a child.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:51:57

Frequency - shouting at them probaby a few times a week (when I'm being ignored, trying to get them out of house etc). Not daily. I've been physical with oldest DC twice in two months. He has a 'meltdown' once most weeks. In latter stages of which I often end up screaming at him as I crack (his 'meltdowns' can go on for a few hours).

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Feb-19 10:53:19

Have a read of this link Crackerjackerknacker
www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-protection-system/parental-mental-health/

Stuckforthefourthtime Sun 24-Feb-19 10:53:54

No one would suggest a violent father stays in the family home, it’s no different if it’s the mother.

^This. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but if you cannot control your anger around your dcs then yes you should move out. The fact they want you to stay doesn't matter at this point - my sister's DC's wanted their dad to stay even though he hit them.

I do know it can be incredibly hard with older DCs with additional needs, and hope you can get further support to be able to live together as a healthy family soon.

Pishogue Sun 24-Feb-19 10:54:42

Re their Dad, we is working full time in a stressful job with difficult new boss. He trys his best. My job is also stressful but part time now. I have always been the 'manager' at home and carry the emotional load for most things in our lives and family, all the sorting out, remembering stuff etc- as most women do unfortunately.

There's part of your problem. He's not 'trying his best', he's 'just' working. Most of us juggle demanding FT jobs with parenting and household chores and remembering swimming bags, Beavers, birthday parties and playdates, and in this house it's certainly not all on me purely because I have a vagina that supposedly makes me a whiz at multi-tasking. hmm

Your husband needs to do a fair amount, regardless of what he does for a living.

WorraLiberty Sun 24-Feb-19 10:55:44

I agree the children shouldn't know you're thinking of leaving and that it should've been presented to them, after the plan was put in place.

Generally no matter how abusive a parent is, the children will never want them to leave even if it is the best thing to do at the time.

IDoN0tCare Sun 24-Feb-19 10:56:30

Is there any way you can get help at home? Can you afford an au pair, so at least you have someone else helping you to look after the children? You might find that your mental health will improve with extra support, when your husband isn’t there.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:56:56

I told oldest DC I was going to maybe move out for a little while in a calm conversation with him - I described it in a positive way, not as a threat. I said how much I would always love him no matter what and would still see him lots but it might be good for us both to have a bit of breathing space for a while.

IDoN0tCare Sun 24-Feb-19 10:58:13

But if you move out, who is going to look after the children?

pollyname Sun 24-Feb-19 10:58:35

It sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you.

It is nothing to do with the children AT ALL. OP, if you are hitting your children I do suggest you leave. There is nothing your children are doing to warrant this. They deserve to having a happy home where they are safe and accepted. I don't think you are a bad person but you need help desperately.

My father blamed us for his behaviour - was it detrimental to us? YES.
My sister has very bad judgement in terms of men, we both struggle with bad self esteem and struggle to trust people. I'm in therapy but I'm not sure if a day will ever come when I don't feel I'm as worthless as my father clearly thought I was. I think you need to leave and start working on yourself, there are no excuses.

Your children might be behaving badly as they are nervous or scared around you. That was the case with me and my sister, and I've noticed it when my own DS is around my dad.

BuildingBackUp Sun 24-Feb-19 10:59:27

Based on the frequency op and your description - And if the dc are generally happy and well adjusted etc - I would stay and seek immediate anger management and parenting classes, to help you control a short fuse.

If the ‘hit’ is actually a punch or you’re scared you might seriously injure someone, leave now.

Either way, I agree with a pp - this is not a family decision. The most harmful thing you can do is discuss the possibility of a parent leaving with the dc.

Hospitaldramafamily Sun 24-Feb-19 10:59:36

That's an unfair burden to put on thrm- no matter how calm the conversation. Try looking at that through the eyes of a child

CJsGoldfish Sun 24-Feb-19 11:01:27

Are you threatening to leave them OP when they misbehave? Otherwise why are they begging you to stay?
If you are playing mind games with your children maybe you should leave. Then again, if you do they will know it's their fault because you have told them. What a horrible burden to lay at their feet sad

converseandjeans Sun 24-Feb-19 11:02:48

Financially it might be better to get more paid help. Could you get a cleaner, pay for kids to do more activities, send the youngest to child minder for couple of hours after school? To give you more respite?
Eldest sounds like they are trying to get attention. I don't think leaving will necessarily help. It sounds like the kids are going to feel like it's their fault. You need support in dealing with their behaviour for sure.

IDoN0tCare Sun 24-Feb-19 11:02:56

It’s incredibly raising a child with additional needs, not that I’m excusing the hitting. I know there are times when I just want my youngest to shut up and stop being so clingy. I just want a bit of peace, though thankfully I hold my tongue and take myself to the ‘safe space’, otherwise known as the toilet. 😁

IDoN0tCare Sun 24-Feb-19 11:03:19

*incredibly difficult

feelingsinister Sun 24-Feb-19 11:04:21

Firstly, why are you discussing this as a possibility with or in earshot of your children. This is a decision to be made by the adults in the situation ffs!

I'd also like to challenge the posters that have said you need to stay for your kids/get CBT etc This would absolutely not be the response if a man had posted the same.

Abuse is abuse, it doesn't matter which parent is the perpetrator.

If you cannot parent without screaming, shouting and hitting your children then it is probably best if you live separately. They deserve to grow up and live without fear and pain and in a home with consistent parenting and love. At the moment you seem to be unable to provide that.

What help are you getting as individuals and as a family? Any social care or children's centre input?

Dragongirl10 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:04:49

Op,
Don't move out. you will be letting your lovely children down.
From today, right now, make a plan as to what you will do when you feel the rage coming on.
When problems start if Dcs are in a safe space or at home,
go and march fast up and down the road outside the house for 15 minutes. Say 'Stay here' to dcs and just go immediately.

Do it as often as the rage starts, (really think about how it feels as it starts and be ready to recognise it)
Whilst marching fast, concentrate on talking really deep breaths and count them in and out, 4 in, 4 out. 15 minutes later the rage should have subsided.

If driving stop the car safely, and march fast,up and down the road and do the same.

If in a public place, sit Dcs somewhere you can see them and do it in eyeshot.
This can be an emergency go to when you feel your anger start.

Once you know how to identify the anger coming on and what to do to remove and calm yourself, you should work on your parenting skills to avoid the dcs triggering this.

Sit them down and explain you are not leaving as you love them far too much.
Apologise for the hitting, say it won't happen again.
Tell them what you will be doing when your anger gets out of control.
Tell them that from now on you will be much calmer and in control.
MEAN IT.

Identify where your frustration comes in at home and make changes, discuss this with them.
if it is because they don't do something when asked , tell them calmly you will tell them twice, then there will be X consequence, it could be losing a phone for a day/x box/outing.
If your frustration is with DH make a plan with him and stick to it.

Bailing out on your family is not an option, they must be feeling horribly insecure and hurt. You need to take responsibility for your actions and take a good hard look at yourself then make the changes.

imip Sun 24-Feb-19 11:05:20

Op, I think you’re best posting this on the SN board. Do you have access to a disability social worker? I think that may be what you need. Does your SN DC have a PDA profile? Have two SN kids and I have to say I do often shout at them. Frequently when I have told cahms I am not managing, I get the response, wel, your dc has ASD there is noting we can do. We have good moments and bad moments. The good now outweigh the bad. My dc also have violent meltdowns and destroy the house. You can learn techniques to manage violent children and cahms should run them. I don’t hit my dc, but I do frequently have to restrain them from physically hurting themselves or others.

IDoN0tCare Sun 24-Feb-19 11:05:35

You do need to stop telling them you might leave, OP. You are doing them as much harm with those words, if not more, than you do when you lose your temper, with them. My mother used to say that and it terrified me.

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:06:20

I have a child with ASD and challenging behaviour. I also work and carry the home load. This can do awful things to your mental health if you don't have support, down time or an outlet.

can you make other changes to your life which would give you a break? reduce working hours or get DH to reduce his so he spends more time with the DC, does things at home to reduce your mental load.

Aibu is not a good place for these questions as most posters do not understand the the huge impact bringing up a child with ASD can have on a paren't es when they are largely unsupported.

hope you find a way forward!

AnnaMagnani Sun 24-Feb-19 11:07:53

So your husband is 'a good dad' but it sounds like he is doing less than half the work of parenting than you, so perhaps not surprising that he is getting to be calm and contented - he doesn't have the mental load of organising, planning, disciplining.

Generally I'd say being together was better and you have been doing the right things - working on your mental health, parenting courses etc.

Perhaps a temporary break would make your DH step up and do more, plus give you space to work on yourself a bit more before moving back in?

Are there any additional sources of support available to you or your family?

TheWildRumpyPumpus Sun 24-Feb-19 11:07:55

Them wanting you to stay even though you shout/scream/are violent is a sign of trauma bonding - as well as being the perpetrator you are also their closest attachment point so they want you to stay. Similar to how an abused spouse defends or returns to their partner even though they are the cause of their trauma.

Do you have a safe environment to go to as you work on the aspects of yourself that you aren’t happy with?

WorraLiberty Sun 24-Feb-19 11:08:08

Dragongirl10 Say "Stay here" to a child who has Aspergers and is in the middle of a meltdown??

Springisallaround Sun 24-Feb-19 11:08:35

I would repost on the SN board. You are at the end of your tether as a carer. You need practical advice and support on how to cope with a difficult adult sized SN child (the advice above is good about leaving the scene when it is all too much for you). Support from SS may be a way forward- but take their advice about the other services too.

I don't see how you leaving is going to improve the children's lives. There is not a nice ever patient 24 hour a day carer going to come in behind you and replace you. Your husband needs to work, you need to work p/t and care for the kids.

Stop talking about leaving to the children and continue to get support and help for yourself in this situation.

cookingonwine Sun 24-Feb-19 11:09:37

For starters I think you are incredibly brave for posting on here. You can see there is an issue so that's the first step for getting help. Now you have done the hard part, go and seek extra support you, and your children and DP deserve. Good luck!

BettyDuMonde Sun 24-Feb-19 11:10:58

You just need some respite time and proper support plan.

You aren’t a shit mum. I promise. Shit mums wouldn’t be asking what is best for their kids on Mumsnet.

I’ve got an ASD/ADHD son, and it was brutal. He saved all his worst behaviours for me, would lash out at me during meltdowns and even ended up being arrested for assault, unable to contact me for a month due to bail conditions.

We did get through it though, he’s 18 now and at university (he spent all of year 8 at home, scraped some GCSEs, did better at A level) and all the hard work was worth it in the end.

The two things that helped us most were occupational therapy (I partially redecorated to make a more calming sensory environment using his preferred colours, made a huge difference) and Multi Systemic Therapy (MST) which is a very intense form of family therapy. Both were funded by the NHS but I had to pretty much beg for them.

Best of luck x

feelingsinister Sun 24-Feb-19 11:11:23

Jesus fucking christ @zippey You are actually blaming children for their parent being abusive. No-one is saying that parenting is easy and particularly hard if you have a child with additional needs but that parent is still the adult and needs to learn to walk away and manage their own anger in a way that their children maybe aren't able to.

What the hell is wrong with some people on here. Dads are abusive and women should LTB if he shouts even once but mothers should stay because their children need them. Mothers screw their kids up too you know.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 11:12:33

Really regretting I mentioned it now.

zippey Sun 24-Feb-19 11:14:56

The children and thier bad behaviour are causing these issues. If the children weren’t there, they wouldn’t be using rocks to scratch the OPs computer etc, to which the OP, naturally loses her shit. I’m sure if this didn’t happen her mental health would be better. The children with bells on!

But the solution isn’t to walk away. This has been caused by either lack of or bad parenting, so it sounds like you need expert advice to try and parent better.

Walking away will only make the kids behaviour worse, and it’s the reason why kids go off the rails (when a parent abandons them)

Work together to better thier behaviour.

I also

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:15:36

You just need some respite time and proper support plan

you don't get this unless shit his fan. Unless she moves out and things totally derail, social services would not want to know (I have a child with severe Asd/LD and I never had respite in 12 years despite being on my knees and numerous pleas for help).

Dragongirl10 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:15:51

worraliberty I said if Dcs were in a SAFE SPACE, and the op was likely to really lose her temper and end up hitting.

gamerwidow Sun 24-Feb-19 11:16:10

Moving out would be an extreme response and I wouldn't go it unless you've exhausted all other avenues of treatment and therapy.
I don't think abusive people ever question their behaviour. My sister has had a string of abusive partner and they have never ever accepted that any problems in the relationship might be to do with them. They might apologise for an outburst but they always twist it so it ends up my sister and kids fault and not theirs.
You aren't doing this, you are fearful and anxious about your own behaviour not looking to blame them for it.
You sound exhausted and at the end of your tether, who is looking out for you and supporting you? Tell SS everything don't try to paint a positive picture they need to know how bad it is so they prioritise you for help.

MrsMozartMkII Sun 24-Feb-19 11:17:01

Don't regret it. Take on board the positives, as you already know the negatives, and speak with your counsellor/support person.

Birdsgottafly Sun 24-Feb-19 11:18:03

If you are seeing SS this week, then focus on that.

It sounds as though you need respite amd a reorganisation of your house.

You have a child with additional needs, he is going to have meltdowns and possibly try to destroy things.

You have to arrange your house to suit that.

Are you in burnout and just need a break?

SS may suggest that you stay elsewhere for a while, if so.

People with children with disabilities, can't just work in the jobs they want, doing the hours required and not go into burnout.

This is why Families with a disabled child are more likely to face poverty or low income.

Your DH needs to make practical plans with you about how it would work.

What outside help do you have?

BettyDuMonde Sun 24-Feb-19 11:18:39

Is it possible you have some undiagnosed SN yourself, Cracker? Pretty certain I have ADHD based on what I now know about DS - I only bring it up to you because if your eldest is having meltdowns and his meltdowns trigger your own anger response, you might actually be feeling very similar things in very similar circumstances, only your fuse is a bit longer because you are an adult?

If so, then the same techniques you can learn to identify his meltdowns before they blow can also be used to calm yourself.

Birdsgottafly Sun 24-Feb-19 11:19:44

meorhim20, it must depend on what's available in your area.

Respite was easily available were I live.

EvaHarknessRose Sun 24-Feb-19 11:20:31

I think it would be a lot better and easier for you, but harder for your dc and your dh. You have a lot of value to your family. I would ask him if you can agree to change some things around eg he works part time you work full time, or you both work part time. He takes on some of the conflict points and shows you how to handle them. While you keep on doing the areas that you are good at. You work together on reducing stress and improving quality of family life.

And although I agree with pps about getting help, I also know that help is limited. Try to find a family support charity who can coach or support you. If you haven’t been on an ASD specialist parenting course, try to do so. I think the girl with the curly hair group do online webinars for parents (not sure if its mainly girl centred, although of course that was the ethos they started with).

gamerwidow Sun 24-Feb-19 11:20:33

p.s. when I was a teen my DSF was terminally ill and my mum was his carer and very depressed and didn't cope well with having two teenage girls constantly pushing the boundaries and frequently exploded at my and my DSIS including occasional physical violence out of frustration when we pushed her too hard.
We all got through it but it took medication and counselling and me and DSIS had to learn to stop behaving like selfish twats.
25 years on we are very close as a family this doesn't have to be the end for you.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 11:26:03

Thank you. There is some really good advice on here.

PtahNeith Sun 24-Feb-19 11:26:08

You should have removed yourself form their home the first time you hit your child.

The fact that you've stuck around to assault them a second time is unforgivable.

Assaulting children is never acceptable.

Misty9 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:28:12

For those suggesting respite via services, it's a bad situation getting worse wrt funding. I have a friend whose dc is severely learning disabled and has ASD, in a special school, regularly trashes house and a danger to siblings. They had to fight tooth and nail for YEARS to get any support and can now buy in respite a couple.of times a year. What a pp said is sadly true - until the shit hits the fan, and sometimes not even then, support is rarely forthcoming.

Op I've been more or less where you are. Completely at the end of your tether and questioning whether a shit mum is better than no mum. It does get better (then worse then better...) But you need to have respite for your own sanity. Can you go away for a couple of nights?

YogaWannabe Sun 24-Feb-19 11:28:16

OP flowers
Truly bad parents don’t acknowledge their actions, much less look for the best way forward for your children.
My mother was a lot of very negative things-alcoholic, name calling, cruel, selfish but the thing she did that has had the most negative impact on me throughout my life was to move out. I felt so abandoned and couldn’t understand why she didn’t love me enough to try harder, to get more help etc.

I get it and I have to check myself too, always running from the ghosts of past etc. But you can break this cycle, the fact you’re posting speaks volumes! Figure out your triggers, make hard rules (mine has always been never put my hands on DD, never name call) which I know should be obvious but when you grow up with that being your normal, sometimes you do need to set “rules”. I gave up alcohol because I didn’t want to risk ending up like her.

Also never be secretive.
Post here, talk to friends, apologize to your children and explain that x, y and z behavior is not acceptable and urge them to tell family or teachers etc if your actions are harming them.

Take time out, depending on the age of your DC, there’s no harm in taking to your room for a while to recoup.

flowers

LagunaBubbles Sun 24-Feb-19 11:29:36

sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you

The children and thier bad behaviour are causing these issues. If the children weren’t there, they wouldn’t be using rocks to scratch the OPs computer etc, to which the OP, naturally loses her shit

What pile of disgusting victim blaming shit have I just read? Seriously zippey that's vile, you are justifying child abuse!

Some of the other posts on here are laughable to and would never be posted if OP was a man. A Mum hitting her children will do the same psychological damage as a Dad. If it was a man poster people would be lining up telling him to leave!

IDoN0tCare Sun 24-Feb-19 11:30:36

I think you should report your thread to MNHQ and ask for it to be moved to the SN boards, OP. People who don’t have to parent children with SN and behavioural issues linked to their SN have no idea how tough it is.

differentnameforthis Sun 24-Feb-19 11:30:45

In latter stages of which I often end up screaming at him as I crack (his 'meltdowns' can go on for a few hours). This is concerning. Your focus should be helping him to navigate his way through the meltdown (why do you keep putting meltdown in commas?) keep him safe and make sure he knows you are there for him.

Meltdowns can be physically punishing for kids on the spectrum, and more often than not my dd always sleeps after hers.

You shouldn't be shouting. You are supposed to be his safe place, and shouting at him will break any trust he has in you. If you are struggling with his behaviour, he is struggling too.

Telling him that you are thinking of leaving (even for a little while) will also not help at all!

How are you helping him deal with his meltdowns?

BrizzleMint Sun 24-Feb-19 11:31:15

It sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you.

The problem is the OP's response. She needs to get help, social services are getting involved so hopefully things will improve for these children soon and the OP will get the help that she needs to improve their lives.

Springwalk Sun 24-Feb-19 11:32:17

I wouldn’t move out for the moment, but I would ensure that the children had someone with them at all times when you are looking after them. Sole care should be out of the question until the hitting stops.
Sit down and plan who can be with you each day, or the children stay with childminder/family/dh/school.

I would remove sole care first.
Spend time with your children with help, and I am assuming you are already doing a anger management course?

FuerzaAreaUruguay Sun 24-Feb-19 11:32:29

Post on the SN board. My son has PDA. He's started showing signs of puberty at only age 11 and it is a nightmare! He becomes extremely violent during meltdowns. I have a friend whose teen with PDA has put her (the mother) in hospital several times. There is actually very little help out there for SN families/parents.

No one will get it unless they have been there/are there, hence suggestions of changing hours and cleaners and 'get help' or 'safe place'.

You literally cannot leave a child with PDA alone with a sibling at all, it's a real risk.

WorraLiberty Sun 24-Feb-19 11:32:58

Seriously zippey that's vile, you are justifying child abuse!

Yes, that's certainly how zippey's posts come across.

FuerzaAreaUruguay Sun 24-Feb-19 11:34:26

different, there are many people who have had no help at all on parenting a child with SN. NONE. So will not know how to handle meltdowns. And then, they are very different when your child is a foot taller and 3st heavier than you.

aquashiv Sun 24-Feb-19 11:36:04

I thought the same have you ever been assessed yourself? ITS not an excuse but it might help all of you to know.

BettyDuMonde Sun 24-Feb-19 11:36:18

I totally agree that respite care and formal support are nigh on impossible to get, but with some good advice and the little bits of professional input that your health authority/LEA it is possible to cobble something workable together.

Respite can be as little as a half hour walk on your own to clear your head - doesn’t sound like much but better than nothing at all, especially if you can plan it in and know you have it to look forward to.

With two parents in the home you can schedule something in far easier than a lone parent can (it’s time together as a couple that seems near impossible to get. Swings and roundabouts).

I could never get SS involved because my child wasn’t at risk - they did once lend me a family aide worker for a fortnight though. She was amazing. Like an organised, take no shit mother figure. Sorted out DS DLA claim like a boss!

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 11:37:25

Why are people saying that a good parent wouldn’t be reflective?

She hits, she screams and ‘loses it.’

That is not a good parent.

27dresses Sun 24-Feb-19 11:38:13

I think you need mental health support. You leaving would have much more damaging effects on your DC.

27dresses Sun 24-Feb-19 11:40:39

OP has not assaulted her children. Can't believe the responses.

YogaWannabe Sun 24-Feb-19 11:40:51

continually she’s looking for help and wants to change. She deserves support as much as anyone else with MH issues.

The cries of “move out” “you are an abuser” wont go anywhere towards helping her or her children.

WorraLiberty Sun 24-Feb-19 11:42:43

OP has not assaulted her children. Can't believe the responses.

In the last 2 months alone the OP has said she's got 'physical' with him and in her opening post, she mentions 'occasionally hitting' her DC.

Barrenfieldoffucks Sun 24-Feb-19 11:43:18

Depends on what 'hit' actually means in this context as to whether it would be classed as abuse.

YogaWannabe Sun 24-Feb-19 11:43:27

You leaving would have much more damaging effects on your DC.

100%
Sometimes the hysteria here is jaw dropping! She hasn’t been beating her kids up ffs, in real life I know plenty of parents who have given the odd smack (and no I’m absolutely not condoning it)

Someone once commented that she smacked her DH and she was devastated, someone commented “call 999 and report yourself for assault”
For goodness sake

differentnameforthis Sun 24-Feb-19 11:44:04

@FuerzaAreaUruguay Believe me, I know. I have to cope with an autistic dh who gets triggered and goes into his own meltdown when dd is struggling, so I have no help at all either during the event. I have to help them both navigate out of it more often than not. Some times it's as easy as sending dh into a different room, but he won't always go and so I push on in the best way possible.

He reads everything I read, he knows all my strategies, he promises to help, but in the moment, when she triggers him, it all goes out the window!

Now we are left with her not trusting him, and so he couldn't help even if he wanted to, because she won't allow it.

All I know about handling my dd at meltdown stage is from trying different methods to see what works, and reading up on strategies. Shouting at my dd upsets her greatly and doesn't work. My dh will shout at her, and it intensifies the meltdown.

If I am not home, she masks until I am. So yes, I do understand.

LagunaBubbles Sun 24-Feb-19 11:44:56

OP has not assaulted her children. Can't believe the responses

Are you reading the same thread as me? OP has admitted hitting her children. Do you think that's not an assault?

LagunaBubbles Sun 24-Feb-19 11:46:50

Depends on what 'hit' actually means in this context as to whether it would be classed as abuse

Unbelievable. So it OK just to hit your child lightly for example? Physically hitting a child is never OK and can never be justified although I'm wondering what you will come up with now in an attempt to do so.

meorhim20 Sun 24-Feb-19 11:46:55

I could never get SS involved because my child wasn’t at risk

disability social workers are not there for children at risk though. They are there to put support in place for families who are under a lot of pressure because of bringing up a disabled child. in theory at least (in practice, no one gives a shit)

LagunaBubbles Sun 24-Feb-19 11:50:08

And zippey is justifying child abuse because they are saying its the child's own fault they are being hit physically and in fact are driving the OP to do do by their behaviour, even the OP is not saying that! That's like saying it's a woman's own fault her partner hits her and she drives him to it.

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