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What is best for DC, their Mum moving out or staying when a shit Mum?

(162 Posts)
Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 09:11:14

Interested if anybody out there knows about children's phychology, mental health. If your mum is loving and things good most of time but she regularlly loses it (shouting, screaming occasionally hitting), is it better for her to move out (but you still see her). I'm thinking of doing this, DC (age 8 & 12) and DH don't want me to. I think it might be best as I'm an awful mum at times (am already on anti depressants, getting outside support, been on parenting course etc) still awful sometimes. Older DC has Apspergers. Their dad is a good one.

Shouldbedoing Sun 24-Feb-19 09:14:01

Cracker, you just need more help with your mental health /psychological support. Your kids need you and they're all telling you they want you . Be kinder to yourself x

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 09:14:56

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IVEgottheDECAF Sun 24-Feb-19 09:15:33

My mum was a shit mum. I only remember the negatives. She left when i was younger than your dc. We had weekly contact for a while, now no contact. I cannot stand the woman. I am glad she left. She has issues and i don't need her shit, neither do my own dc.

However i don't remember good and loving times like you describe.

niceupthedanceagain Sun 24-Feb-19 09:17:10

In your position I would probably seek family or individual therapy before I moved out.

Halo84 Sun 24-Feb-19 09:17:36

Get help for your issues while staying home. This is depression talking.

hatriet Sun 24-Feb-19 09:19:38

Currently in the middle of therapy as my Dad was very, very difficult and mean with us. He has a good side and I love him but it really would have been nicer if he had left. Everyone loses it occasionally but it is how you do it - I'll say loudly 'I've had it now'. I don't think this is nice for everyone but I don't think it is particularly harmful. Have you tried therapy yourself? I don't think you have ended up like this because you are a bad person.

Oysterbabe Sun 24-Feb-19 09:25:43

If you're hitting your children then you need to leave. If you were a man no one would suggest you should stay.

Absofuckinglutely Sun 24-Feb-19 09:26:06

The fact you can see things are going wrong and want to do something about it, tells me you are NOT a shit mum.
I don't think moving out would help solve anything, it seems that more support for you is what's needed.
Do you have anyone to talk to? I think you're being very hard on yourself. The hitting part is concerning, that needs to be addressed, but op please try not to be so hard on yourself.
Perhaps the first stop would be to get some counselling and try to untangle this. Ive never been on anti depressants, but I believe they can take time to work and you might have to try a few before you find something right for you.
Don't lose hope, things can get better.

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 09:40:51

Apply that to a different context.

An abusive man is sorry after hitting his wife and wants to change.

An alcoholic feels awful after going on a bender and vows never again.

I don’t think OP is being hard on herself. Honesty is good but she loses control and screams and shouts and hits? So she is presumably not working and is banned from public transport and the local shops and banks and other services?

This could be the case I suppose but more likely the loss of control is actually premeditated and the children are used as punch bags while she winds down. Otherwise the loss of control and anger issues would happen elsewhere.

megletthesecond Sun 24-Feb-19 09:48:11

How good is their dad really? Is everything left to you and you are simply crumbling under pressure?
Also, if you're heading for your 40's consider your hormones might be going haywire too.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:25:31

Continuallychargingmyphone - I am working and don't shout and scream in public, how bizzare you assume that. My colleagues and general public don't behave like my DC so I don't get angry at them. I'm not justifying my behaviour but the 'provocation' and stress I experience at home is like nothing I encounter in other areas of life. And as with most people, home is very different to public.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:27:49

None of it is ever premeditated and I don't 'use them as punchbags'. You sound like you have history but no need to vent it on me.

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 10:28:20

You’ve missed my point.

So when you are at work you don’t scream and shout and hit.

It’s just at home. So you CAN control yourself, you choose not to.

Doyoumind Sun 24-Feb-19 10:29:35

It sounds like you need CBT and a review of your meds. You might move out temporarily but this sounds like an issue you want to and could resolve.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:33:34

If a colleague came up to my desk, grabbed a load of my work and ripped it up and scratched on my computer screen with a rock, yes I would get angry, but they don't. My older DS has done equivalent things in a domestic setting.

PinkHeart5914 Sun 24-Feb-19 10:33:55

No matter what your mental health, if you’ve hit your child you go. If my dh ever hit any of our children he’s be gone, mental heath or not.

Also screaming at a child absolutely unacceptable, they are children smaller than you. You do not scream at them

A bully will always find a way to defend the behaviour

If you aren’t in a position to be a good mum right now. You need to leave and sort yourself out, come back when in a better place and try to repair some of the damage you’ve done to them

SoyDora Sun 24-Feb-19 10:37:22

Just to confirm, are you hitting your children? If so then yes I think it’s best you leave while you get help. No one would suggest a violent father stays in the family home, it’s no different if it’s the mother.

WorraLiberty Sun 24-Feb-19 10:37:58

It sounds really really tough OP.

But ultimately, if you can't put iron clad measures in place to stop you from hitting your children, you need to move out while you get help to cope with your anger.

Jackshouse Sun 24-Feb-19 10:38:12

It’s complex but both are very physiological to your children. What do SS say?

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:38:27

Re their Dad, we is working full time in a stressful job with difficult new boss. He trys his best. My job is also stressful but part time now. I have always been the 'manager' at home and carry the emotional load for most things in our lives and family, all the sorting out, remembering stuff etc- as most women do unfortunately.

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 24-Feb-19 10:38:33

Take a step back op.

Honestly - and I mean this kindly - you started off with self flagellation and I think you were hoping to elicit posts like Absos.

When some expressed concern you’ve now in effect ‘blamed’ the children.

So what’s really going on and maybe we can help.

AuntMarch Sun 24-Feb-19 10:39:04

I would not keep anyone in my home who was violent towards and screamed at my children but the fact you see it's not ok is a positive. You now need to seek help to change it.

Have you read anything about children's behaviour/development? You can learn more effective parenting techniques.

Find out if there are any family links courses in your area, or what other support there might be.

Crackerjackerknacker Sun 24-Feb-19 10:41:07

I'm seeing SS this week. The DC I have hit is almost as big/strong as me (but I'm not defending it).

BuildingBackUp Sun 24-Feb-19 10:43:49

How often op?

If it’s daily, I’d say move out until you get therapy/anger management etc.

If it’s once a fortnight, I’d say stay and work on it.

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