To be really pissed off at MIL's lack of support

[Butttons]

MIL has been staying with us for half term to help out with the DCs. She's been wonderful and they've adored her being here. DH is setting up his own company and MIL has been very much against this since the start. DH viewed some potential new premises this week and has been interviewing some potential new starters. Things seem like they're falling into place and he's really excited. My parents are planning on investing (they are mortgage free, have investment properties and work as part-time consultants in their respective lines of work). DH has spoken to PIL about investing (mortgage free, investment properties and money in the bank from sale of business) but they are non-committal.

MIL has been sitting here in a strop all afternoon since DH got back from an informal chat with an ex-employee who'd like to work for him. Having this person on board would make DH's new company almost twice as productive in the first year. The reason DH had a meeting today is because this person has just been promoted and they needed to discuss finances and dates. The only thing MIL has said is "well you're going to need more than £xxk then aren't you". When DH was talking about the potential new premises she just said "it doesn't sound like its going to work out with that one" simply because DH hasn't had a reply from the landlord from an email he sent yesterday.

I am not bothered about PIL investing on DH's company, yes it will make it more difficult financially, and we'll have to borrow more from investors and the bank, but there's so much negativity about him starting his own business (balanced with the argument "you've been at your current place long enough" ) that it's really getting me down.

She keeps saying how she's worried we'll lose the house and we and the DC will be homeless (obviously we've done our sums and budgeted things out. We're not stupid) but she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening. I really don't care about her money, I'm confident we can get enough backing from investors but her attitude is really pissing me off. She's been so lovely all week. The minute DH starts talking about his new business venture she just starts sulking. I cooked dinner, called them both from the living room in to the kitchen to sit down. DH and I were at the kitchen table for 5 mins waiting and she didn't join us until he went in to the living room to ask her if she wanted to eat (despite seeing me dishing up right after I'd asked them to sit down for dinner) . Then she came in and if was all one word answers during dinner and all night. She's just gone up to bed and I can hear her stomping around and slamming the toilet seat (wtf is that about?!). I hope she doesn't wake the DC.

I really want to ask DH to categorically tell her he doesn't want her to invest but I'm worried about his reaction. He's really stressed at the moment with his business plan etc. Its pushing our relationship and my relationship with MIL was a bit rocky until about a year/18m ago and he doesn't take any perceived "criticism" of MIL very well. I'm just so bloody pissed off that she can't provide even a little bit of moral encouragement. It all seems to he about money to her. She's not ungenerous. She always splashes out on us and the DC but I think she feels like she has to invest as my parents are. My parents have told us (and her) that they consider the investment almost like giving us our inheritance early and I think MIL feels inadequate (she previously told me she felt inadequate as my mum knitted the DC some jumpers when they were babies and she can't knit so can't do the same ).

Sorry for long post. AIBU to feel this way and should i say something to DH or even MIL?

[IvanaPee]

It does sound like you’re annoyed that they won’t Invest!

I can’t see anything wrong with the concerns she’s voiced. Perhaps she thinks you’re trying to pressure her into giving you money?

I wouldn’t take money off either sets of parents and I know a lot of people who wouldn’t so she could belong to that school of thought?

I don’t know what to say really, because I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong!

[chestylarue52]

My feeling is if she is usually lovely, this kind of behaviour usually comes from a place of fear and you need to find out what that is.

Confronting her won't help. Can you take her out for a walk or a drive and say "I couldn't help noticing you were uncomfortable talking about the business, you know I love you, can you tell me what's going on?"

Maybe they're struggling financially?
Maybe her husband once set up a failed business and she doesn't want the same for you?
Maybe she's upset your parents can help and they can't?

Whatever it is it's more likely to be about her than you.

[gamerchick]

Sounds as if they dont want to invest but feel put on the spot because your parents are.

Tell her it's not necessary for them to help as you have enough if it comes up and just leave them out of it. It's probably a prickly feeling of feeling inadequate to your parents.

[gamerchick]

Tbh I'd be properly pissed off if I was asked to invest in someone else's business rather than me offering. Just don't.

[SassitudeandSparkle]

You do sound resentful that she won't invest, and talking about the business while she is staying with you is piling on the pressure! You actually said this about your MIL

she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening.

It's not her job to! Why should she be responsible for your actions?!

Do you really want your parents to invest? What if it doesn't work out, from what you've said on here nothing is quite sorted yet.

[Butttons]

It's all the sighing, humphing, one word answers and clamming up everytime DH even mentions his new business. I'm not expecting a big hurrah everytime he walks through the door but comments like "where am I going to stay?" when we turned the box room into an office (despite being happy enough to sleep in the DC's bunk bed before we had a spare room to offer), and saying "where are you going to find clients? I read about someone who got put away for 10 years because he poached clients. What'll happen to my money then?". She didn't ask what might happen to the DC or me in that situation.

I've just reread my post and it actually sounds a lot tamer than what she's actually like.

[Butttons]

@chest that sounds like a nice idea. I will try that

[Singlenotsingle]

Maybe it's best to just not talk to them about it any more. MIL is obviously worried that it's not going to succeed and she's scared for you. It's probably a bit of all those things that pps have mentioned, so don't put her under any more pressure. (Unintentional, I know).

[IvanaPee]

You said she was worried about you and the dc in your OP!

I think you’re being unfair because you want her to invest. I would never ask or expect that of my parents and especially my in-laws!

[PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin]

I think YABU. Your MIL has been staying for a week to help out and probably feels she is under pressure to give you money for your business venture. I’d be annoyed if I was her as well.

[Doobydoobeedoo]

"She keeps saying how she's worried we'll lose the house and we and the DC will be homeless (obviously we've done our sums and budgeted things out. We're not stupid) but she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening."

It's a pretty reasonable concern to have, and it smacks a little bit of 'If we lose the house, it will be her fault'. You may not be intending to give that impression but it's coming across the way in your OP.

I imagine she's starting to feel under pressure to hand over the cash and so is avoiding situations where you might try to have that conversation with her.

It reminds me a little of being out shopping when my children start up with the, "That piece of kit would be sooo great, wouldn't it Mum? Just think of all the things I could do with that? What? No, of course I'm not asking you to buy it...but wouldn't it be really helpful if I had it?"

I would avoid mentioning the business when she's around. It's clearly making your MIL unhappy, which in turn is adding to your own stress.

[Butttons]

@sassitude my point was that if she was really that concerned that we'd be homeless then why wouldnt she offer to help. If she can afford to that is. If she can't then I can't see why she can't just say so. Or even just say "sorry I have plans for my retirement". Its just the negativity and indecision.

We didn't bring up the business this week. She asked DH

[LoniceraJaponica]

I'm sorry, but why should they risk their hard earned savings in what they consider a risky investment?

I don't think either if you should have assumed they would.

[timeisnotaline]

I’d quietly say to her during the day something like don’t mind dh, he has asked you about investing because he thought you would want to be asked, I’m worried he’s mentioned it enough it feels like pressure and really hope you haven’t seen it that way. He’s so excited and buried in it right now he can’t really talk about anything else! But you should know our business plans are solid and he’s worked so hard getting it together, we don’t need extra investors- please just smile and nod and say well done but it’s not really for me investment wise, he won’t mind at all. I’m so proud of him.

[IvanaPee]

She shouldn’t have to explain why she’s not going to just hand over money to her adult son, OP.

You’re coming across as very entitled.

[SassitudeandSparkle]

You were absolutely expecting them to give you money, if you were not then you would not be saying that you needed investors or the bank! You are coming across as super-grabby tbh. She can express concern without having to provide financial backup!

I am not bothered about PIL investing on DH's company, yes it will make it more difficult financially, and we'll have to borrow more from investors and the bank,

[Didiusfalco]

Starting a new business is massively risky, the failure rate is huge and those that don’t can take a while to make money. Maybe your mil isn’t an idiot and knows this? Sounds like all her reactions are to feeling pressured by the constant conversations and probably fear about your financial future. To be honest I think you are wrong to take money from any family that you are essentially gambling with.

[Dontsweatthelittlestuff]

She can be concerned without having to give you a large chunk of her money.

Does sound to me like you are putting indirect pressure on her to invest. And from what you have said she probably has reason to be concerned is you are looking at premises and employees and yet you still don’t have funding in place.

[bundesdelboy]

It sounds like you expect her to form part of your safety net.. that isn't her responsibility.

And part of "investing" involves real, assessed understanding of risks. What return are your investors getting - shares? A percentage paid back as a formally agreed loan? There are all sorts of financial and legal considerations here (e.g. if they gift it to you, what about other beneficiaries they want their estate to go to? Will it be considered as a debt? What if one of them dies within 7 years?). And those are par for the course in relatively straightforward new businesses; if it's anything more complicated you end up with extra considerations on top.

It sounds like your in law is being sensible - it's a Terrible idea to mix family and money at the best of times but your OP is oozing with red flags and a sore lack of understanding that there's a difference between being gifted cash to fund a new business Vs actually investing - you're confusing the two massively, which doesn't look a good sign, and your MIL probably knows it.

Also, stop commenting on how comfortable they are - unless you're their IFA/PoA//etc, you don't know the full picture of their financial situation or their commitments or plans. And they don't have to justify or defend them to you. Your DH setting up a business, if it's viable, should not be reliant on his parents' wealth.

[LightDrizzle]

It does sound like she is feeling pressured.
I wouldn’t let family invest in a start up business of mine or my husband’s. DH is an entrepreneur, and now very successful, a decade ago he was on the brink of disaster. At no time, start, middle or end, has he accepted or sought investment from friends or family.
Anyway, I suggest you pick your moment with her and say it’s been a lovely week with her staying and she’s been a huge help, and you hope there is no ill feeling about your mum and dad investing in DH’s business, and that she isn’t feeling that anyone thinks she should.
Starting your own business is risky, she’s just worried for you all. For many people, giving up secure paid employment is unfathomable. Your parents investing makes her feel shown up as lacking in not doing the same for her own son.

[janetforpresident]

Just let it.go, she is worried about her son who presumably is giving up a good job and taking a risk. Some people are risk averse and would.see this as a bad thing.

You say she has been brilliant with the kids so don't fall out with her (even secretly) over this. It obviously.comes from place of love.

Also let the investing possibility go, they don't have to and it shouldn't affect your relationship

[bundesdelboy]

if she was really that concerned that we'd be homeless then why wouldnt she offer to help

Sigh. Apart from assuming she can/would.. maybe she realises that bailing out ill thought out business ideas isn't in her adult son's long term best interests? I'm not saying it's ill thought out, there's not enough info, but tbh there are many red flags here that suggest a fuller, more objective discussion is sorely needed if she ever considered "investing".. hopefully she'll bring in external, impartial legal/financial advice with written agreements so everyone knows where they stand too.

[doodleygirl]

You are putting pressure on your MIL, just stop. I really hope your DH is amazing at his work as it’s a real rookie mistake to use money given by your parents.

[LittlePaintBox]

Your business plan is coming across as a bit sketchy to me, the way you're describing it, maybe it is to your MiL as well? You mention an ex-employee who will double income in the first year if he can be persuaded to come and work in the new business? How? That has to be a hope, rather than a certainty. You mention other investors, but who are they? They'll presumably want a return on their investment, which will come out of profits. Does Brexit have any potential impact in your husband's line of business? I wouldn't want to invest if I felt the business plan wasn't taking things like this into account. Have his parents invested in him before and been let down?

It sounds as if your MiL does feel under pressure to invest, I think you should make it completely clear this is not an expectation, and don't discuss the business in front of her.

[julensaor]

You were absolutely expecting them to give you money, if you were not then you would not be saying that you needed investors or the bank! You are coming across as super-grabby tbh. She can express concern without having to provide financial backup!

This all sounds a bit messy. Your parents are 'investing' but in reality it sounds like just giving you money. Both sets of parents may be mortgage free, have investment properties and money in the bank but that is their money with old age setting in and a life of work behind them for that money, it does sound like you both are pressurising them indirectly to float your ship.

if she was really that concerned that we'd be homeless then why wouldnt she offer to help. If she can afford to that is. If she can't then I can't see why she can't just say so. Or even just say "sorry I have plans for my retirement". Its just the negativity and indecision.

Your expectations are coming through on your posts. They don't have to help you both monetarily in anyway. Maybe she is cross, maybe she just wants to come over, see her grandchildren, enjoy her grandchildren, offer a helping hand on those emotional terms and all this money business is hanging over it. If she makes the wrong move or a disagreeable one, she risks her relationships. Leave her alone, tell her you wouldn't ask them for any money at all, don't ask your parents to invest, it sounds so grabby and if you can;'t do it without them, then maybe you should be rethinking this business plan.