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Is my life as bad as my family say it is or are THEY being 'aibu'?

(69 Posts)
Lostandconfused240 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:11:09

Recently my mum died after a long illness. My mum was my constant support in life. She told me to be happy and to enjoy my life. She always told me everything would work out in the end. I've been left with my brother (who is my shining light in this situation) and a host of family members who have been hugely unsupportive.

Only a few days before the funeral my dad said to me that he feels I wasted years of my life on bad decisions and I have also had other comments from family members that have made me second guess what I'm doing. I was expecting support from them, but now feel utterly alone and battered down.

I don't know what is 'normal' for someone of my age (29) to have achieved but for a brief rundown, I have some areas of success and some without:

* I live at home, don't have my own place but I have £20,000 in savings
* I have travelled extensively
* I have full time employment but not a career, nor a job I want to stay in
* I have a relationship, although not sure he is 'the one'

They make me feel that living at home, not having MORE money, not having a career and not the best relationship means I have failed. I guess deep down I have felt this too, which is why it struck a chord.

Is my life fairly normal for a 29 year, for any person in general, or are they right that I'm coasting by and not living up to my potential? I'd say my family are high achievers, won't reveal their jobs in case anyone might happen to read this, but they are (mostly) in high earning professions. In comparison to THEM, they make me feel I am not amounting to much.

DistressedAndWorried7845 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:12:32

Use that 20k to get away from them

DistressedAndWorried7845 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:13:31

Also you sound fine- I’m a bit younger than you (25) and loads of people my age are still figuring it all out. But in all seriousness you should probably flee the nest and do your own thing, you won’t regret it

MinnieMountain Sat 23-Feb-19 16:16:04

Why haven't you left home since you have savings?
Otherwise, it sounds pretty normal.

Lostandconfused240 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:16:12

Thanks distressed.

I've always thought, well it's not like I became a drug addict or murdered anyone (random examples) but I feel nothing is enough. I am never told that anyone is proud of me or that I am doing well, only that it's not 'enough' whatever 'enough' is.

Lostandconfused240 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:16:45

Hi Minnie, stayed home partly to save money and also to be around for my mother during her illness.

DistressedAndWorried7845 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:18:25

We’re millenials, I think we were always convinced we need ‘validation’- fuck all that. Just get the hell away from your family and start adulting dude. You’ll be grand

ATowelAndAPotato Sat 23-Feb-19 16:18:32

20 years ago, maybe living at home still would have raised an eyebrow, but it is so expensive to get on the housing ladder now, and if you were renting, you wouldn’t have £20k in savings either, so 🤷🏻‍♀️
Lots of people take a while to find a career (rather than a “job”), I was the same age as you before I found mine. And 3 years older before I found “the one”.
Now nearly 40, happily married with DC, and a career, but still only managed to buy somewhere of our own last year after renting for nearly 20 years, and wouldn’t have been able to afford that without an unexpected inheritance.
They do sound massively unsupportive, and I’m sorry that you have to put up with that after losing your mum flowers

evaperonspoodle Sat 23-Feb-19 16:18:41

It just sounds like an older generational way of thinking. I must admit though if my 29 year old child wasn't in stable employment and had no intention of leaving home I might be a tad disappointed.

DistressedAndWorried7845 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:18:44

Also well done on not murdering, I’m proud of you grinwink

mimibunz Sat 23-Feb-19 16:20:50

You’re absolutely fine. Everyone has a different path in life, having traveled extensively and saved 20k are big accomplishments. You’re laying the foundation for your life. I’m so sorry for your loss! flowers

LondonHuffyPuffy Sat 23-Feb-19 16:21:14

At 29 I had just got into a relationship with someone I thought was ‘The One’. He turned out not to be, but I didn’t work that out until I was 35!

I had the beginnings of my career BUT I lived in crappy rented accommodation and had more than £20k of student debt still. No savings at all.

I am now 47 and whilst I don’t have debt and I do own my own place and have an awesome DH, I do have serious health problems and no kids. No life is perfect and you never know what’s round the corner. Live your life for you, not your family (sorry for the clichés).

I do not regret any of my choices. And I was supported through all of them by my family. That’s what they are supposed to do
I think you are doing pretty well, OP. You are young, solvent, employed and have a lovely brother. Ignore the rest of the family.

SaucyJack Sat 23-Feb-19 16:21:19

Your life sounds quite normal.

But your focus on receiving support and praise from family members who are grieving too comes across as a little self-absorbed.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your Mum.

DistressedAndWorried7845 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:23:18

Also if you were at home helping care for your mum, I think that’s totally fair enough. You’ve put your life on hold for her, now it’s time for you to live your own life. I’m sorry for your loss too, Lost flowers

leigh39 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:24:07

You sound pretty clued to me ... why should we follow social norm ..... just be happy that's more important .....bugger everyone else

mirime Sat 23-Feb-19 16:25:30

I left home at 31, spent the time before that saving a deposit. Don't have a career at 41, do have a job I like though. Did meet DH way back in 1998, didn't get married until after we bought the house.

Don't listen to them, don't compare yourself to others. Figure out what you want.

BlueSkiesLies Sat 23-Feb-19 16:26:31

You sound pretty normal. If you’re happy, then it’s grand.

MitziK Sat 23-Feb-19 16:27:48

Sounds a lovely way to spend your twenties - you've done things you wanted, saved and you were there during your mother's illness, so you aren't in the position of regretting not being there for her because you were always working, tired, skint from paying private rentals or not travelling when you had the opportunity.

It might not be what other people would have done, but that's their problem, not yours; if you don't regret what you've done (and I don't see why you should), then it doesn't matter. And when there's a bereavement, people can say utterly stupid things because their guard is down/they aren't thinking right - or because they're dickheads who were kept under control before.

Your Mum was proud of you. That's what counts - you living the way she wanted for you and made you happy.

It might be a good time to stop and reassess what you want next, though - if your boyfriend isn't the One, he's not going to suddenly become it - do you want to retrain for something else? Do you want to move somewhere else? (Obviously, if your Dad is still in the house, that's not necessarily all your decision, but if not, surely it's up to you?). You've got support from your DB.

You've done tons of things that others haven't been able to do - they're achievements, too. And now you're entering a new stage, as you aren't tied, whether by choice or circumstance, to caring for a much loved parent.

Fuck them. What would your Mum say you should do?

I think she'd tell you to follow your heart, rather than conform to other people's expectations.

FriarTuck Sat 23-Feb-19 16:28:14

So you've got a job, a relationship, savings and self-awareness and they're still not happy?! Move out. Most people have a job, not a career. Plenty of people aren't convinced they're with the one. Lots of people have no money. And even more have little or no self-awareness. I'd say you were doing pretty damn well.
And yes, well done on not doing drugs or murdering someone - particularly given your family grin

GreenTulips Sat 23-Feb-19 16:28:28

I think you need to use this as a chance to reasses what you want in life

If he’s not the one - go find him!
If your not happy in your job apply for others
Make the changes you want!!

You don’t sound happy in those areas

Go travel some more of that’s what you enjoy and have no tie to a property or kids

But don’t coast, I think as you approach 30 you always look at your next life goals

MrsJayy Sat 23-Feb-19 16:29:05

Im not sure what they are expecting from you it all sounds fairly normal and to have saving well quite frankly go yousmile

MrsJayy Sat 23-Feb-19 16:30:19

I am sorry about your mumflowers

stayathomer Sat 23-Feb-19 16:30:40

I think you're doing well ok, well done with your savings and job, and on the relationship if you're happy with them, that's all good too, trying to put this delicately though, have you talked to them about this? Do you get positivity from them? I'd say your family are just in shock and lashing out from such a positive force going. You sound lovely OP cakeflowers

Alsohuman Sat 23-Feb-19 16:30:59

You did a brilliant thing looking after your mum, who was absolutely right. I’m sorry she’s not there any more. 💐

Do what makes you happy and to fuck with all the people who criticise you. It’s none of their business.

Jaspermcsween Sat 23-Feb-19 16:33:12

People say all kinds of things in the midst of death and grief . Don’t be upset. You’re doing fine x

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