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To be upset and feel left out of family

(38 Posts)
cadburymilkchoc Sat 23-Feb-19 15:08:48

Went for dinner with my parents Dsis and get fiance. Those two have been together 6 years so he is pretty much a part of the family now. They were speaking about getting a place in the lake district like a cottage to share. Asked me if I could come and I said really not sure if I can afford it. I'm a single mum with a ds3. They said oh no it will work out it's 30 each for the 3 nights and to come. I said ok then yea let me know. Nothing was said since. Today i just found out my Dsis fiance has booked a hotel with my parents that's 400 for the 3 nights. However nothing was mentioned to me. Apparently the cottage wasn't available, that's fine but instead of telling me and saying we think we might go here instead they said nothing and booked the hotel. Just feel upset and pushed out. This is not the first time I've felt like this either. AIBU?

wigglypiggly Sat 23-Feb-19 15:11:20

Maybe they didnt think you could afford it and didnt want to upset you

ADarkandStormyKnight Sat 23-Feb-19 15:13:11

I'd feel upset at that.

Jupiters Sat 23-Feb-19 15:14:06

The lack of communication there would upset me.

NannyRed Sat 23-Feb-19 15:14:33

To be fair, you did say you didn’t think you could afford £30, so £400. They have made other arrangements, you can’t be expecting them to involve you in everything they do.

cadburymilkchoc Sat 23-Feb-19 15:15:18

I understand if I couldn't afford it but they could have at least told me the cottage wasn't available and they were going to book this other place. No communication and I didn't even have the option of saying thanks but I can't afford that have a nice time

cadburymilkchoc Sat 23-Feb-19 15:34:20

Might just book to do something with my DS that weekend as no doubt they will be posting pics on social media about what they are doing

FruitRiot Sat 23-Feb-19 15:38:11


cadburymilkchoc Sat 23-Feb-19 15:40:23

fruit ok why?

Wuddlingheights Sat 23-Feb-19 15:42:16

I think you have every right to be upset. I would be very hurt.

cadburymilkchoc Sat 23-Feb-19 15:45:11

Just re read my post. Apologies for all the typos!

Sciurus83 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:47:00

Totally reasonable to be upset, that sucks

BlueBuilding Sat 23-Feb-19 15:50:25

I understand why you are upset, but...if £30 was just about affordable, if would have seemed ridiculous to ask you to spend £400.

They probably felt really awkward, hence the not mentioning it.

Dulra Sat 23-Feb-19 15:52:08

YANBU I would be upset by that. The least they could have done is let you know the cottage wasn't avaliable so they were opting for hotel but to do it all behind your back and not even check in with you is mean.

TacoLover Sat 23-Feb-19 15:54:08

Maybe they felt like it was patronising or like you would view it as them asking you out of guilt, because it's obvious to all of you that you wouldn't be going? Maybe they thought you would feel worse being asked to do something so far out of your price range? I think they made a mistake but possibly made with a good intention.

cadburymilkchoc Sat 23-Feb-19 15:58:01

Surely you would tell someone the plan has changed and not let them sit around thinking they are still going and they are awaiting details. This was only spoke about last week. And when I orginally said I didn't know if I could afford it I was understanding and didn't mind. And said I didn't but then they were the ones convincing me and my DS to come.

WTBE Sat 23-Feb-19 15:58:19

YANBU to feel upset, a quick message to update you about the cottage would have at least gave you the oppurtunity to decline, and not feel like they just completely forgot about you.

However, i imagine they might have felt awkward having the conversation if they know you are having money troubles. It sucks either way OP.

Chloemol Sat 23-Feb-19 15:58:50

YANBU. I would feel upset and left out as well, and I would have to say something to my parents so they understood. What they have done is horrible. Ok they couldn’t get the cottage but they should have told you, and explained what they would do

OddBodsAndGladRags Sat 23-Feb-19 16:02:27

I'd be upset too. Thry could have said the cottage option was a no go.

sonjadog Sat 23-Feb-19 16:03:36

YANBU. They should have told you the cottage was unavailable.

Ispywithmycynicaleye Sat 23-Feb-19 16:05:23

I understand. It's not about being asked if you can then fork out £400, it's about them acknowledging you were part of the initial arrangements then just excluding you completely, regardless of whether you could afford the new arrangements.

My parents used to do this to me all the time. One time they asked if I wanted to go out as a family for new years day for a drink with all the family. I wasn't allowed to go. But every year after that I was never asked regardless of whether I would be allowed or not. It was awful the next year, phoning to say happy new year and being all excited cause i was allowed to go spend some time with them to find my parents, brothers and their partners were all out together and that became a regular occurrence.

So, no YANBU being upset and hurt.

Drum2018 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:05:39

How did you find out? I'd be miffed, as they should have had the decency to come back to you and let you know that the cottage was not available and that they were planning to book a hotel instead. That way you could have just said you couldn't go. No need to be booking something for yourself and dd though, just snooze/unfollow them all on social media for that weekend and you'll be none the wiser as to what they are up to.

Shazafied Sat 23-Feb-19 16:07:56

I'd be really upset op and can totally relate, my family are like this. They've all just booed a cottage on the isle
Of Skye for the week I'm due to
give birth. Then invited dh , dd and I as an afterthought . When I reminded them that I'll probably be busy that week, but could do a different week, they all had to admit they'd forgotten I was due that week and that they'd gone ahead and booked, too late to
Cancel or change it apparently ! So I'll
Just give birth when you're all on skye then , cheers !! I was really upset xx

cadburymilkchoc Sat 23-Feb-19 16:13:31

ispy yes that's exactly how I feel and it hurts.
I was with them all earlier as was Dsis birthday. And when dsis left my DM casually said oh the cottage wasn't available your dsis fiance has booked a hotel that's cost 400 so I doubt you'll be able to afford that. Then she said your not annoyed ay me are you? I said well you or someone could have at least told me the cottage werent available before you booked something without me. So there was a conversation between the 4 of them to book the hotel but I obviously was excluded in this. Even though I was invited orginally and agreed to this cottage.

supersop60 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:21:54

fruitriot what makes you say that?
OP YANBU to feel left out. I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions how to deal with it.

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