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Advice on should this be annoying me? Why is it annoying me!

(33 Posts)
Keba123 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:02:18

So I had a baby 6 weeks ago
Baby great no bother
Good sleeper etc
So my partner started a new job 2 weeks after I had baby
He starts work everyday at 2.30pm and finishes at 11pm
From the morning I just can't seem to get in a rythem with baby,
Like we will will wake up come down stairs have a bottle /cuppa he lies in bed till about 10 which is fair enough he's been at work late the night before .... But then gets up makes himself a huge breakfast mess in kitchen ,shower , go to gym come back another shower like I can't move for him... I just get the feeling it would be easier if he was working 9-5, i try and make bottles he's faffing on in the kitchen making food or something else which doesn't help me and baby,, I try and get baby down for nap he's starts blending or watching YouTube loudly, why do I feel like I just want him to go to work!! I love him very very dearly so it's not that I just don't want him here I just want to get in some sort of routine with baby? Aibu

Loopytiles Sat 23-Feb-19 14:03:13

What parenting and domestic work is he doing?

Keba123 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:06:18

Another thing ! I try to keep house warm it's such a cold house u have close a door after you like to keep heat in
He just breezes in and out leaving doors wide open so house is freezing gas bill huge
Leaves cups lying around
Smoke fucking alarm going off because instead of just having a fucking bowl of cereal he INSISTS on cooking a healthy breakfast i.e fucking avacardo . Spinach. Mackral.
While I'm lucky to ram a cocopops bar down my throat in the morning arrrghhhh

Keba123 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:07:53

Domestic / parenting
Minimal!
We have a older boy
I rush him to school every morning
And he stays in bed with baby.
If baby wakes he gives him bottle.and that's it.
But apart from that, zilch.

Cornettoninja Sat 23-Feb-19 14:13:32

Imho it’s irritating you that he’s behaving like a single entity and only considering his needs.

Of course working odd hours means some compromise but the YouTube/blender would irritate me (truthfully probably doesn’t bother the baby but it jars when you’re trying to achieve lulling a baby to sleep).

It’s not unusual for men to carry on with their lives seemingly unaffected by a baby, it’s particularly stark when you’re doing most of the day to day care. 11pm finish isn’t that late. It’s not a night shift.

He should (at least some of the time) be getting up with you both and having breakfast with you, taking over with the baby for a bit either getting it dressed or going for a walk. Basically behaving like he’s part of a family. If he was 9-5 he’d be home and expected to have dinner with you, bath the baby or give them a bottle. His hours mean that family time is changed, not gone.

UnderHerEye Sat 23-Feb-19 14:15:10

is he only making himself breakfast and not you ?

Is that the general pattern of your relationship- ie he sorts himself out and not you ? If that’s the case you need to change the dynamics of the relationship or you will breed resentment and eventually contempt, sit him down and talk to him about how you need to function as a family unit from now on, not 2 separate entities!

Loopytiles Sat 23-Feb-19 14:18:46

Was he always so shit before DC1?

Hope you work FT and are not financially dependent on him.

PregnantSea Sat 23-Feb-19 14:20:36

He comes through, sees you there with the baby, and makes himself breakfast but nothing for you? And then he leaves the mess for you to clean up?! That's ridiculous. I would be absolutely furious if I were you. YANBU OP. You need to sit down and have a talk about household chores and childcare. Insist that he does more. Don't put up with this. He's living like a bachelor and it's not on.

MRex Sat 23-Feb-19 14:27:40

If you think about it, with his hours the day could be structured so that the morning = evening (family time) and lunchtime = dinner. Then he goes to work, but if he comes home and is in bed by midnight he can join in with you and the baby all morning, as though it were an evening. If he's in bed by midnight then he can easily get up when you're back from the school run. You should definitely be having breakfast and lunch together, so he can make those. Maybe you could have a walk together one morning, he can clean/laundry one morning while you have the baby and vice versa you do it another morning. Indulgently cuddle up on the sofa to watch a film another morning. The same way couples behave who have evenings together except you have more options because it's daytime.

Keba123 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:28:46

I'm not financially dependent on him but can I ask why you ask that?
I'm thinking I might get him to take our older boy to school from now on and he can go to gym straight from there gives me time to get turned round with baby.

category12 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:42:03

Why doesn't he cook brunch for you? Since he's making food, it seems ridiculous that you only have a cocopops bar.

Why are you putting up with him doing nothing?

ClusterFukt Sat 23-Feb-19 14:46:27

He sounds like a lodger living the life of a single man in your house.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet Sat 23-Feb-19 14:47:02

I'm thinking I might get him to take our older boy to school from now on and he can go to gym straight from there gives me time to get turned round with baby.
That sounds like a good start. I think you need to work out a routine which suits you and the baby and it will be much easier to do that when he isn't there so much. To be honest though, I don't think the routine is your worst problem.

MitziK Sat 23-Feb-19 14:50:47

Doing the school run might be a bit early for someone who only finished work at 11pm - I'm too wired to come straight in and go straight to bed after work, not just when I finish at 5, but even if I finish at 3/4am, it's still a good two or three hours later before I've wound down enough to think about sleeping.

As he apparently needs quite a substantial breakfast to fuel his workouts, that would add another hour or so on to the start of the day for him and you'd probably still end up left with the washing up

I'd definitely suggest that he showers at the gym afterwards, though. Partly because it would be their hot water he was using.

It's weird when somebody works different hours, especially if they haven't done it before, but if you look on it that you get your time after he leaves for work, all that's happening is that the day has been shifted.

C0untDucku1a Sat 23-Feb-19 14:54:22

They are asking if you are financially dependent on him to see whether you have options.

He is a lazy and selfish parent. Sit doen together and discuss the full list of what needs to be done to run the household. Everything. Atm he is adding to the workload and doing nothing to reduce it.

Things he can do immediately:
Take older dc to school.
Make you food at the same time
As his breakfast.
Clean up after himself ffs. He isnt a disrespectful teenager.

Then really, really consider why he is doing nothing and add to the jobs he does.

C0untDucku1a Sat 23-Feb-19 14:56:00

Mitz how does she get her time when he has gone to work? She can’t even leave the house! Do you mean her time is looking after the children without a selfish manchild around?

Crinkle77 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:03:02

11 pm finish isn't that late but I doubt he comes in and goes straight to bed. He probably needs a couple of hours down time. Have you tried talking to him?

CostanzaG Sat 23-Feb-19 15:04:45

He's being lazy and incredibly selfish. He needs to step up to the responsibility of parenting pronto.

Loopytiles Sat 23-Feb-19 15:07:21

I ask because being financially independent is good when with someone useless like this, and should make it easier when you LTB.

Keba123 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:09:10

My time is zero exsistant
I look after a baby after he leaves for work
I literally don't get a minute to myself
He rolls out of bed.
He has his fancy breakfasts.
Makes me a coffee.
Which goes cold as im seeing to baby.
Then he's gym
I (struggle) to get ready
Start to tidy (as much as possible with baby)
He comes back
Makes his dinner
Shower
Work
I'm in house with baby alone
School run for me by this time
Entertain /feed/bathe/ soothe two kids
Bed time
Have thirty second shower (baby)
Bedtime for me
He comes in
Day over.

ScabbyHorse Sat 23-Feb-19 15:11:00

YANBU
He's acting like he's single.

Keba123 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:11:02

In all honesty
I haven't spoke about it to him
Only Because i feel so emotional ATM with just having baby
I almost don't trust my own feeling I think am I being awful

Crinkle77 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:14:34

When he gets up in the morning hand him the baby and take your shower.

Crinkle77 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:15:05

What does he to at weekends?

Keba123 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:16:57

So he's off Thurs and Fri works weekends
Our days off are quite nice
We have walks
Take baby places
Do shopping

snowdrop6 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:19:31

Your lack of routine is not your problem..your dh is a lazy ass.and selfish .

Crinkle77 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:24:37

Does he do more round the house and to help with the baby when he is off work?

Movingtoplanetclanger Sat 23-Feb-19 15:25:08

Does he go to the gym everyday? Maybe tell him you saw some research that says you actually build more muscle if you have rest days. I don't have a link cause I heard it on a podcast.

Also ask him to make your breakfast too when he makes himself some. Or tell him to at least clean up after himself.

category12 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:44:04

Why doesn't he make you any food?

Keba123 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:57:40

So im thinking now I'm just going to get him to take older boy to school,,, go straight to gym from there.... While he's gone I can get my self and baby sorted and house turned round. He will be gone till 11. And when he comes in and starts making his fucking eggs and proteins I will tell him whatever mess you make please clean it away after you..I think having the house sorted slightly and orgnisation the night before for the morning will help things more smoothly....I think I will make a little promise to my self every day to be out the house by half 11.weather it be for a walk, shop etc. how does it sound x

Aaaahfuck Sat 23-Feb-19 16:01:36

Was he like this when you had your first child (doing nothing)? Why doesn't he make you breakfast?

category12 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:02:52

It sounds like it'll get you nowhere, because if he was a decent guy he'd be cleaning after himself anyway and trying to look after you.

You had his baby 6 weeks ago, fgs. If you're breastfeeding he ought to be putting some of that thought he puts into his own nutritional needs into making sure you're fed too. He ought to be mucking in, instead of going to the gym in his spare time.

MitziK Sat 23-Feb-19 16:12:38

I misunderstood - I thought the problem was wanting to get on with things/spend time with the baby without him around in the mornings (from the wishing for him to have a 9-5 job).

Not that the baby needs to stay with Dad for another few minutes until she's had a shower (or if a morning one isn't wanted, putting baby into the car seat so it is perfectly safe on the bathroom floor whilst she has one in the evening).

At the same time, as he makes his breakfast, it wouldn't kill to make two portions, rather than her relying upon a sugary snack. And it's simple enough to eat or drink coffee with the baby beside you. Admittedly, it can take a little while to get used to eating with one hand, but it's doable.

It's handy to make a batch of bottles up in advance so they are just taken out of the fridge and warmed up as needed during the day.

And as babies get older, they usually get happier being laid down, rather than needing to be held all the time. Or, if not, a sling makes it easier to carry on with the things that need to be done whether there's somebody else there or not.

It's easy to slip into not even asking for things to be done differently and quietly seething about it when the other person doesn't instantly know what would help.

Other than that, if it's in any way possible, I'd say that a dishwasher is an essential part of reducing mess in the kitchen - and it's not hard for anybody to load one as they go along, as it gets the things out of the way instantly.

My routine when the second came along was;

Deal with baby, get dressed. Initially was about 5am, but gradually moved to just after 6.
Sort out pets. (at this point, the ex would be getting up and sorting himself out, whether it was for work or the gym).
Get older one ready for school.
Chuck stuff in dishwasher.
Put baby in buggy.
Walk to school.
Walk back, sometimes via the shops. Baby usually asleep by the time I got back, usually stayed asleep whilst carrying buggy up five flights of stairs, so left in there.
Have breakfast/brunch, chucking plates, etc, straight into dishwasher and switched on.
Get on with 'stuff', including sterilising bottles once I started switching to them at 3 months.
Baby asleep again from about 1.30pm, sitting down for a bit/having lunch/whatever.
2.30pm, start school run.
Back at 3.45pm.
Tea at 5pm.
Oldest for bath, story and bed at 7pm. Ex was usually in by this point, so dinner was put on whilst he did fuck all changed his clothes and watched telly.
Once eldest in bed, scoot around the kitchen with baby nearby.
Baby cuddled whilst watching TV.
Baby bedtime routine. If still wakeful, taken into the bathroom with me.

Worked well for me - and when I went back to work part time when she was 4 months old, it worked for the two days I had off, too especially once the ex fucked off and I went back fulltime

Admittedly, the second was an early summer baby, so there wasn't quite such a huge rush all the time and the weather was generally a bit brighter and nicer, but the rain cover and waterproof jacket saw plenty of use from September onwards.

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