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I'm going to have to end this aren't I?

(41 Posts)
Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 13:01:30

I have been casually dating this guy for about 4 months now... "friends with benefits" sort of situation I guess, although I wouldn't say it was just sex, we hang out, do stuff together, I enjoy his company, we have a lot in common. A relationship is just not something I want right now and he feels the same. I don't tend to get attached easily so I thought what we had was perfect. Actually up until this morning I was feeling really smug about what we had.

He just left after spending the night, this morning he got his phone out to show me dog pictures, a message from a girl popped up, he didn't try to hide it and I couldn't help myself quickly reading the conversation, clearly a lot of flirting. After he left I did something crazy, something I have never done before. I stalked his social media to find her and then actually cried. Like full on cried, what the fuck!? Really not proud of that, I'm a grown ass woman who is secure and thought I didn't even like him like that. I actually feel like I'm about 14, it's pretty pathetic. I'm gonna have to end this aren't I? Before it gets too complicated?

littledoll33 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:36:40

You clearly do want a relationship (with him it seems,) even though you deny it.

Doesn't look like he wants one with you though sorry.

As a pp said, FWB relationships often don't work, as one person in the couple will start to get emotionally involved. (And it is usually the woman.)

You can tell him you really like him if you want, but be prepared for him to bolt, and for you to never see him again.

SilverySurfer Sat 23-Feb-19 14:48:17

This is very confusing, OP. You don't want a relationship with the guy, you're happy with the FWB arrangement then cry and get upset because he is texting another woman. Yet in one of your posts you say I knew it wasn't exclusive, heck I've been on a few dates, which he knows. So why is it ok for you to go on a few dates but he shouldn't?

Isn't a FWB situation which is exclusive, effectively a relationship, which you say you don't want? confused

You need to decide what you DO want.

DeaflySilence Sat 23-Feb-19 14:50:35

"I'm gonna have to end this aren't I? Before it gets too complicated?"

So what do you want, @Dramallamaaaa?

I think you have three choices here.

You can continue as you are, in this non-exclusive relationship; you can, as has been said, end it on the basis that it is no longer working for you; or you can tell him that it is no longer working for you, because you feel you now want an exclusive relationship, and if he doesn't want to make that change with you, then it best end.

If you go for the last of the three, the choice is ultimately his.

AmazingGrace16 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:51:57

It sounds like you want him to want you enough so that he doesn't want anyone else aka being exclusive.
If he did this it would be less pressure on you to formalise it because perhaps from your perspective formalising the commitment is what you don't want rather than the relationship?

I think you need to talk to him. Explain you've unexpectedly found yourself jealous and you're not sure where that leaves you.

Gina2012 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:53:19

Friends with benefits just seemed easier

Clearly it's not easier for you with this man

WarpedGalaxy Sat 23-Feb-19 15:04:25

You keep saying you don’t want a relationship but you have a relationship, a casual, no-strings relationship, sure, but it’s still a relationship. What you mean, or rather meant, is that you didn’t want an exclusive relationship with this man only now it seems you do. It’s one of those where you have to decide if you can settle for what he’s offering which is FWB and get upset when he sees other women or cut your losses and walk away.

The thing about relationships is that they often happen whether we ‘want’ them or are looking for them or not. I wasn’t ‘ready for’ another relationship after my divorce at the time I met DH, only apparently I was ready because it happened anyway.

Movingtoplanetclanger Sat 23-Feb-19 15:05:28

Tell him what happened and see what he thinks. If you don't talk about anything you'll end up with regrets.

Why don't you want a relationship do you have kids? Trust issues? A drug addiction?
Relationships aren't really that difficult, it's just like fwb but with dates and, if you want it, monogamy.

BaileyD222 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:12:50

Leave now, it may hurt but it hurts more realising you’re in love with a fwb and having it not be mutual.

Lovemusic33 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:18:56

I just wrote on another thread about FWB. I have had FWB and for me it involves sex and not much else, I can’t do the going out and spending time together thing with someone as for me that is a relationship and I wouldn’t want the person I spend time with (in and out of the bedroom) dating other people. I’m at the early stages with dating someone and I’m not sure if he sees it as a FWB thing or not but for me it’s more and like you I would be upset if I found he was chatting to other women, although I don’t want a serious full on relationship I do want some respect and I don’t want the risk of catching anything.

I think you need to either talk to him and lay down some basic rules or you need to walk away.

Hamandcrispsandwich Sat 23-Feb-19 15:28:36

OP, I might be useless here, but I was in this situation a few years ago and honestly, I really wish i'd walked away as soon as I knew I had feelings for him.
I told him I had feelings, after he kept saying 'I love you' 'I miss you' and 'I want to spend all my time with you' in messages. He said there were no feelings on his side and he couldn't commit to a relationship. I stupidly stayed. I have never been in a relationship and find myself actively avoiding them, apart from this one.

A week later, he announced on social media he was in a relationship with his best mates ex and never spoke to me again. I was gutted. I cried an awful lot. I was hurt because when he said 'I can't commit to a relationship' what he really meant was 'I can't commit to a relationship with you'

I wish I left earlier. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.

DawsonsSheep Sat 23-Feb-19 15:30:26

I married my fwb! Once you are clear on how you feel, be honest with him and it will work itself out one way or the other...

CaseofEllen Sat 23-Feb-19 16:16:31

Oh OP! I sympathise thanks even if you don't want a relationship you're obviously more invested than you first thought! Maybe it's a ' I don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him' thing, which is irrational but not uncommon in these situations! I would end it, I think that's for the best. Good luck x

DorothyZbornak Sat 23-Feb-19 17:00:05

I honestly don't think a FWB relationship can ever work from a woman's point of view. We tend to have stronger emotions and feelings that the man and tend to fall harder.

JacquesHammer Sat 23-Feb-19 17:04:23

I honestly don't think a FWB relationship can ever work from a woman's point of view. We tend to have stronger emotions and feelings that the man and tend to fall harder

Sweeping generalisations aren’t useful.

NotANotMan Sat 23-Feb-19 17:34:31

We tend to have stronger emotions and feelings that the man and tend to fall harder

Hmm no

NotANotMan Sat 23-Feb-19 17:36:12

Women tend to place greater weight to the desire to have a 'relationship' due to female socialisation. Women also tend to be more likely to have compulsive caregiving tendencies and anxious attachment behaviour again due to socialisation. That's why women tend to 'fall harder' but it's not because we have deeper emotions or greater capacity for love.

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