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I'm going to have to end this aren't I?

(41 Posts)
Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 13:01:30

I have been casually dating this guy for about 4 months now... "friends with benefits" sort of situation I guess, although I wouldn't say it was just sex, we hang out, do stuff together, I enjoy his company, we have a lot in common. A relationship is just not something I want right now and he feels the same. I don't tend to get attached easily so I thought what we had was perfect. Actually up until this morning I was feeling really smug about what we had.

He just left after spending the night, this morning he got his phone out to show me dog pictures, a message from a girl popped up, he didn't try to hide it and I couldn't help myself quickly reading the conversation, clearly a lot of flirting. After he left I did something crazy, something I have never done before. I stalked his social media to find her and then actually cried. Like full on cried, what the fuck!? Really not proud of that, I'm a grown ass woman who is secure and thought I didn't even like him like that. I actually feel like I'm about 14, it's pretty pathetic. I'm gonna have to end this aren't I? Before it gets too complicated?

JacquesHammer Sat 23-Feb-19 13:03:27

A relationship is just not something I want right now and he feels the same

This jumps out for me, your reaction suggests you want to be exclusive which doesn’t match with your suggestions if not wanting a relationship.

Do you think a FWB situation is right for you?

Confusedbeetle Sat 23-Feb-19 13:04:05

Yes. These so called °with benefits° relationships always end in disaster One or both are using each other.

JacquesHammer Sat 23-Feb-19 13:05:41

These so called °with benefits° relationships always end in disaster One or both are using each other

That’s not true. However you both have to be on the same page.

Fiveredbricks Sat 23-Feb-19 13:06:04

You got the feels without the label. Walk away if he doesn't want more otherwise he will just breadcrumb you and you will eventually be eternally miserable. He has comfortably compartmentalised you in his head which you have not done to him.

Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 13:10:17

I thought it was right for me, clearly not if I'm crying over a bloody text from a girl.

I still don't want a relationship though so I'd be a bit of a head fuck if I told him I liked him?

Not even sure how to end it

Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 13:11:26

I reckon they do work so long as everyone is honest about what they want

JacquesHammer Sat 23-Feb-19 13:11:51

Not even sure how to end it

“This isn’t working for me anymore. Take care”

Gina2012 Sat 23-Feb-19 13:15:44

I still don't want a relationship though so I'd be a bit of a head fuck if I told him I liked him?

Eh?

You feel so much for him that you cried because he has another fwb / flirty thing going on

But you don't want a relationship

Fuck me!

So you want to continue with the fwb you have, but make it exclusive ?

Aka a relationship

MatildaTheCat Sat 23-Feb-19 13:16:37

Be honest. Tell him you have seen the message and it has upset you. It seems a shame to stop seeing someone you clearly like a lot but it’s human nature to become attached. Inconvenient if you absolutely don’t want a relationship unfortunately.

An honest conversation seems the most adult way to either wind up or move on this situation.

NotANotMan Sat 23-Feb-19 13:19:19

Could you perhaps try having a conversation with him about it and get it in the open? Ask him who else he's seeing?
I have a FWB thing and we are open about other people we are seeing. It takes any sting and secrecy out of it.

Ozziewozzie Sat 23-Feb-19 13:19:42

If it were me, I'd be looking at why was I in a Fwb situation. Would I be trying to avoid something, deny something, protect myself from something?
Are you aware that this guy just isn't the type to commit to one lady and in order to spend time with him you've convinced yourself it's just a benefit casual thing?
Now you've realised the reality of your situation, you feel unremarkable, non exclusive, and that your time together is possibly fake.
Unless you're in the driving seat, it's gonna ouch a little.
Our minds can play tricks on us and the reason they do that is to sometimes protect us from feeling what's really happening.
Imagine your life without this guy. What are you left with?
It's s harsh reality, but really, you're not alone, you are available for someone.

Dohee Sat 23-Feb-19 13:19:43

I'm guessing it was an exclusive FWB you thought you had?

NotANotMan Sat 23-Feb-19 13:28:01

Really, the whole basis of a FWB is non-exclusivity. If you want and ask for exclusivity then it's a relationship!

BettyDuMonde Sat 23-Feb-19 13:45:08

You know what you need to do.

Set yourself free and give yourself the opportunity to really be single/be open to meeting someone you actually want to commit to (delete as appropriate).

Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 13:45:32

I knew it wasn't exclusive, heck I've been on a few dates, which he knows.

This has just taken me by surprise, I genuinely thought I was cool with it

mummymeister Sat 23-Feb-19 13:49:01

your post is really muddled tbh. I think that you actually either don't know what you want or do know and don't want to verbalise it either on here or to him.

message him to end it and take a bit of time to think about what you really want. Is the FWB a bit of a defence mechanism against having your heart broken?

Crinkle77 Sat 23-Feb-19 13:52:13

I think you are trying to convince yourself you don't want a relationship.

ChrisPrattsFace Sat 23-Feb-19 13:53:56

I want to know more about the dog pictures

GruciusMalfoy Sat 23-Feb-19 13:54:10

I don't think it sounds like you really know what you want with him. I've had a FWB which has gone too deep for me, and another which was absolutely fine. If you think you're getting in over what you want/need just now, you need to end it. The longer it goes on the worse it'll be.

NannyRed Sat 23-Feb-19 13:55:15

Really, the whole basis of a FWB is non-exclusivity. If you want and ask for exclusivity then it's a relationship!

This, ⬆️

Otherwise what doyou want?

It reads like you’re really fond of him, are you sure you want to ‘dump’ him as opposed to forming a ‘proper’ relationship. Don’t bite off your nose to spite your face.

Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 14:01:32

I'm easily confused. Maybe I am trying to convince myself I don't want a relationship.

Friends with benefits just seemed easier but I guess it's not now that I'm crying over dumb messages.

Fuck

Nunya Sat 23-Feb-19 14:04:47

These so called °with benefits° relationships always end in disaster One or both are using each other.

^ I had a FWB relationship that went on for about 2 years and then turned into a real relationship. We will celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary this summer. Sometimes it doesn’t end in disaster at all.

Asta19 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:13:41

I think it’s a tricky one. It may well be that you don’t want a “full on” relationship. What you had suited you until you were confronted with the reality of him seeing other people. If I had an FWB I wouldn’t be doing it because I wanted to shag other people! I would still only be sleeping with that one person. I just wouldn’t want the “responsibilities” that come from being in a full on relationship. As part of that, yes I would need to accept that the other person was sleeping with other people, possibly. However, I would see it as none of my business and would not appreciate having it waved in my face! Ok he didn’t do that to you, seems it was all quite inadvertent, but you aren’t “wrong” to be upset. Nor was he in the wrong, it’s just an unfortunate situation.

Personally I would just be honest with him. Explain it as you have told us (maybe minus the social media part!). The arrangement you have is not a contract written in blood! It’s ok to have feelings and to discuss those feelings. It might mean it ends, it might not. But talk to him.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Sat 23-Feb-19 14:26:18

No I don't think you sound confused I think this has highlighted (surprisingly) to you that's your not as comfortable as you thought with the situation but that doesn't mean you suddenly want a full on relationship either.

I'd take a big step back and have a an honest think about what you actually want moving forward.

if it's a relationship with this person then that's a conversation you will have to have with him but knowing that he might not feel the same and being ok with that if that's the case.

If not then this highlights that you don't want a relationship but you don't want this either so again, having a conversation is the next step.
Just be honest and say you thought this was working but the txt you saw has made you realise that actually it's not and that not his fault, you have both been upfront about not being exclusive but you have to listen to how you feel so it's best if things end.

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