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I'm going to have to end this aren't I?

(41 Posts)
Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 13:01:30

I have been casually dating this guy for about 4 months now... "friends with benefits" sort of situation I guess, although I wouldn't say it was just sex, we hang out, do stuff together, I enjoy his company, we have a lot in common. A relationship is just not something I want right now and he feels the same. I don't tend to get attached easily so I thought what we had was perfect. Actually up until this morning I was feeling really smug about what we had.

He just left after spending the night, this morning he got his phone out to show me dog pictures, a message from a girl popped up, he didn't try to hide it and I couldn't help myself quickly reading the conversation, clearly a lot of flirting. After he left I did something crazy, something I have never done before. I stalked his social media to find her and then actually cried. Like full on cried, what the fuck!? Really not proud of that, I'm a grown ass woman who is secure and thought I didn't even like him like that. I actually feel like I'm about 14, it's pretty pathetic. I'm gonna have to end this aren't I? Before it gets too complicated?

JacquesHammer Sat 23-Feb-19 13:03:27

A relationship is just not something I want right now and he feels the same

This jumps out for me, your reaction suggests you want to be exclusive which doesn’t match with your suggestions if not wanting a relationship.

Do you think a FWB situation is right for you?

Confusedbeetle Sat 23-Feb-19 13:04:05

Yes. These so called °with benefits° relationships always end in disaster One or both are using each other.

JacquesHammer Sat 23-Feb-19 13:05:41

These so called °with benefits° relationships always end in disaster One or both are using each other

That’s not true. However you both have to be on the same page.

Fiveredbricks Sat 23-Feb-19 13:06:04

You got the feels without the label. Walk away if he doesn't want more otherwise he will just breadcrumb you and you will eventually be eternally miserable. He has comfortably compartmentalised you in his head which you have not done to him.

Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 13:10:17

I thought it was right for me, clearly not if I'm crying over a bloody text from a girl.

I still don't want a relationship though so I'd be a bit of a head fuck if I told him I liked him?

Not even sure how to end it

Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 13:11:26

I reckon they do work so long as everyone is honest about what they want

JacquesHammer Sat 23-Feb-19 13:11:51

Not even sure how to end it

“This isn’t working for me anymore. Take care”

Gina2012 Sat 23-Feb-19 13:15:44

I still don't want a relationship though so I'd be a bit of a head fuck if I told him I liked him?


You feel so much for him that you cried because he has another fwb / flirty thing going on

But you don't want a relationship

Fuck me!

So you want to continue with the fwb you have, but make it exclusive ?

Aka a relationship

MatildaTheCat Sat 23-Feb-19 13:16:37

Be honest. Tell him you have seen the message and it has upset you. It seems a shame to stop seeing someone you clearly like a lot but it’s human nature to become attached. Inconvenient if you absolutely don’t want a relationship unfortunately.

An honest conversation seems the most adult way to either wind up or move on this situation.

NotANotMan Sat 23-Feb-19 13:19:19

Could you perhaps try having a conversation with him about it and get it in the open? Ask him who else he's seeing?
I have a FWB thing and we are open about other people we are seeing. It takes any sting and secrecy out of it.

Ozziewozzie Sat 23-Feb-19 13:19:42

If it were me, I'd be looking at why was I in a Fwb situation. Would I be trying to avoid something, deny something, protect myself from something?
Are you aware that this guy just isn't the type to commit to one lady and in order to spend time with him you've convinced yourself it's just a benefit casual thing?
Now you've realised the reality of your situation, you feel unremarkable, non exclusive, and that your time together is possibly fake.
Unless you're in the driving seat, it's gonna ouch a little.
Our minds can play tricks on us and the reason they do that is to sometimes protect us from feeling what's really happening.
Imagine your life without this guy. What are you left with?
It's s harsh reality, but really, you're not alone, you are available for someone.

Dohee Sat 23-Feb-19 13:19:43

I'm guessing it was an exclusive FWB you thought you had?

NotANotMan Sat 23-Feb-19 13:28:01

Really, the whole basis of a FWB is non-exclusivity. If you want and ask for exclusivity then it's a relationship!

BettyDuMonde Sat 23-Feb-19 13:45:08

You know what you need to do.

Set yourself free and give yourself the opportunity to really be single/be open to meeting someone you actually want to commit to (delete as appropriate).

Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 13:45:32

I knew it wasn't exclusive, heck I've been on a few dates, which he knows.

This has just taken me by surprise, I genuinely thought I was cool with it

mummymeister Sat 23-Feb-19 13:49:01

your post is really muddled tbh. I think that you actually either don't know what you want or do know and don't want to verbalise it either on here or to him.

message him to end it and take a bit of time to think about what you really want. Is the FWB a bit of a defence mechanism against having your heart broken?

Crinkle77 Sat 23-Feb-19 13:52:13

I think you are trying to convince yourself you don't want a relationship.

ChrisPrattsFace Sat 23-Feb-19 13:53:56

I want to know more about the dog pictures

GruciusMalfoy Sat 23-Feb-19 13:54:10

I don't think it sounds like you really know what you want with him. I've had a FWB which has gone too deep for me, and another which was absolutely fine. If you think you're getting in over what you want/need just now, you need to end it. The longer it goes on the worse it'll be.

NannyRed Sat 23-Feb-19 13:55:15

Really, the whole basis of a FWB is non-exclusivity. If you want and ask for exclusivity then it's a relationship!

This, ⬆️

Otherwise what doyou want?

It reads like you’re really fond of him, are you sure you want to ‘dump’ him as opposed to forming a ‘proper’ relationship. Don’t bite off your nose to spite your face.

Dramallamaaaa Sat 23-Feb-19 14:01:32

I'm easily confused. Maybe I am trying to convince myself I don't want a relationship.

Friends with benefits just seemed easier but I guess it's not now that I'm crying over dumb messages.


Nunya Sat 23-Feb-19 14:04:47

These so called °with benefits° relationships always end in disaster One or both are using each other.

^ I had a FWB relationship that went on for about 2 years and then turned into a real relationship. We will celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary this summer. Sometimes it doesn’t end in disaster at all.

Asta19 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:13:41

I think it’s a tricky one. It may well be that you don’t want a “full on” relationship. What you had suited you until you were confronted with the reality of him seeing other people. If I had an FWB I wouldn’t be doing it because I wanted to shag other people! I would still only be sleeping with that one person. I just wouldn’t want the “responsibilities” that come from being in a full on relationship. As part of that, yes I would need to accept that the other person was sleeping with other people, possibly. However, I would see it as none of my business and would not appreciate having it waved in my face! Ok he didn’t do that to you, seems it was all quite inadvertent, but you aren’t “wrong” to be upset. Nor was he in the wrong, it’s just an unfortunate situation.

Personally I would just be honest with him. Explain it as you have told us (maybe minus the social media part!). The arrangement you have is not a contract written in blood! It’s ok to have feelings and to discuss those feelings. It might mean it ends, it might not. But talk to him.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Sat 23-Feb-19 14:26:18

No I don't think you sound confused I think this has highlighted (surprisingly) to you that's your not as comfortable as you thought with the situation but that doesn't mean you suddenly want a full on relationship either.

I'd take a big step back and have a an honest think about what you actually want moving forward.

if it's a relationship with this person then that's a conversation you will have to have with him but knowing that he might not feel the same and being ok with that if that's the case.

If not then this highlights that you don't want a relationship but you don't want this either so again, having a conversation is the next step.
Just be honest and say you thought this was working but the txt you saw has made you realise that actually it's not and that not his fault, you have both been upfront about not being exclusive but you have to listen to how you feel so it's best if things end.

littledoll33 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:36:40

You clearly do want a relationship (with him it seems,) even though you deny it.

Doesn't look like he wants one with you though sorry.

As a pp said, FWB relationships often don't work, as one person in the couple will start to get emotionally involved. (And it is usually the woman.)

You can tell him you really like him if you want, but be prepared for him to bolt, and for you to never see him again.

SilverySurfer Sat 23-Feb-19 14:48:17

This is very confusing, OP. You don't want a relationship with the guy, you're happy with the FWB arrangement then cry and get upset because he is texting another woman. Yet in one of your posts you say I knew it wasn't exclusive, heck I've been on a few dates, which he knows. So why is it ok for you to go on a few dates but he shouldn't?

Isn't a FWB situation which is exclusive, effectively a relationship, which you say you don't want? confused

You need to decide what you DO want.

DeaflySilence Sat 23-Feb-19 14:50:35

"I'm gonna have to end this aren't I? Before it gets too complicated?"

So what do you want, @Dramallamaaaa?

I think you have three choices here.

You can continue as you are, in this non-exclusive relationship; you can, as has been said, end it on the basis that it is no longer working for you; or you can tell him that it is no longer working for you, because you feel you now want an exclusive relationship, and if he doesn't want to make that change with you, then it best end.

If you go for the last of the three, the choice is ultimately his.

AmazingGrace16 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:51:57

It sounds like you want him to want you enough so that he doesn't want anyone else aka being exclusive.
If he did this it would be less pressure on you to formalise it because perhaps from your perspective formalising the commitment is what you don't want rather than the relationship?

I think you need to talk to him. Explain you've unexpectedly found yourself jealous and you're not sure where that leaves you.

Gina2012 Sat 23-Feb-19 14:53:19

Friends with benefits just seemed easier

Clearly it's not easier for you with this man

WarpedGalaxy Sat 23-Feb-19 15:04:25

You keep saying you don’t want a relationship but you have a relationship, a casual, no-strings relationship, sure, but it’s still a relationship. What you mean, or rather meant, is that you didn’t want an exclusive relationship with this man only now it seems you do. It’s one of those where you have to decide if you can settle for what he’s offering which is FWB and get upset when he sees other women or cut your losses and walk away.

The thing about relationships is that they often happen whether we ‘want’ them or are looking for them or not. I wasn’t ‘ready for’ another relationship after my divorce at the time I met DH, only apparently I was ready because it happened anyway.

Movingtoplanetclanger Sat 23-Feb-19 15:05:28

Tell him what happened and see what he thinks. If you don't talk about anything you'll end up with regrets.

Why don't you want a relationship do you have kids? Trust issues? A drug addiction?
Relationships aren't really that difficult, it's just like fwb but with dates and, if you want it, monogamy.

BaileyD222 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:12:50

Leave now, it may hurt but it hurts more realising you’re in love with a fwb and having it not be mutual.

Lovemusic33 Sat 23-Feb-19 15:18:56

I just wrote on another thread about FWB. I have had FWB and for me it involves sex and not much else, I can’t do the going out and spending time together thing with someone as for me that is a relationship and I wouldn’t want the person I spend time with (in and out of the bedroom) dating other people. I’m at the early stages with dating someone and I’m not sure if he sees it as a FWB thing or not but for me it’s more and like you I would be upset if I found he was chatting to other women, although I don’t want a serious full on relationship I do want some respect and I don’t want the risk of catching anything.

I think you need to either talk to him and lay down some basic rules or you need to walk away.

Hamandcrispsandwich Sat 23-Feb-19 15:28:36

OP, I might be useless here, but I was in this situation a few years ago and honestly, I really wish i'd walked away as soon as I knew I had feelings for him.
I told him I had feelings, after he kept saying 'I love you' 'I miss you' and 'I want to spend all my time with you' in messages. He said there were no feelings on his side and he couldn't commit to a relationship. I stupidly stayed. I have never been in a relationship and find myself actively avoiding them, apart from this one.

A week later, he announced on social media he was in a relationship with his best mates ex and never spoke to me again. I was gutted. I cried an awful lot. I was hurt because when he said 'I can't commit to a relationship' what he really meant was 'I can't commit to a relationship with you'

I wish I left earlier. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.

DawsonsSheep Sat 23-Feb-19 15:30:26

I married my fwb! Once you are clear on how you feel, be honest with him and it will work itself out one way or the other...

CaseofEllen Sat 23-Feb-19 16:16:31

Oh OP! I sympathise thanks even if you don't want a relationship you're obviously more invested than you first thought! Maybe it's a ' I don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him' thing, which is irrational but not uncommon in these situations! I would end it, I think that's for the best. Good luck x

DorothyZbornak Sat 23-Feb-19 17:00:05

I honestly don't think a FWB relationship can ever work from a woman's point of view. We tend to have stronger emotions and feelings that the man and tend to fall harder.

JacquesHammer Sat 23-Feb-19 17:04:23

I honestly don't think a FWB relationship can ever work from a woman's point of view. We tend to have stronger emotions and feelings that the man and tend to fall harder

Sweeping generalisations aren’t useful.

NotANotMan Sat 23-Feb-19 17:34:31

We tend to have stronger emotions and feelings that the man and tend to fall harder

Hmm no

NotANotMan Sat 23-Feb-19 17:36:12

Women tend to place greater weight to the desire to have a 'relationship' due to female socialisation. Women also tend to be more likely to have compulsive caregiving tendencies and anxious attachment behaviour again due to socialisation. That's why women tend to 'fall harder' but it's not because we have deeper emotions or greater capacity for love.

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