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To think he doesn't want this ?

(14 Posts)
lilywhiterose Sat 23-Feb-19 09:24:53

TTC 4 years. 1 cycle of IVF just failed. DH has one child, which he has a difficult relationship with. Since our cycle failed he's been difficult, I've asked him to keep time just for us to help us process. He's gone to football, made plans to see His son and generally just avoiding me right after we got the bad news. We went out today, he travels a lot with work so I was trying to gauge his travel dates, so we could make a decision to stim this month or wait. But he flew off the handle saying FFS can we just have a day not talking about it, I'm sick of it, it's ruling our lives. We are now not talking, I'm sad and my DH is doing all he can to avoid me and all I need is comfort. I'm not sure he really wants this .......... thoughts?

FrogOfFrogHall Sat 23-Feb-19 09:35:53

It actually sounds to me like he does really want it and he is finding it hard to handle that it's not been successful. He is obviously not behaving in a great way with those emotions but maybe try and give him some time and then talk about it again in a few days.

Fiveredbricks Sat 23-Feb-19 09:42:54

He's finding it hard and overwhelming. You need to take a decent break between cycles to get your life back before you dive in again if you can afford to wait a little. It is intense as you know but for the guys it can be a totally different kind of intense. They feel like they're failing but also failing because its something they can't fix or make better. How many transfers did you get out of your last cycle? If none, one or low numbers I'd focus on you and your egg quality for at least 3-4 months before even trying to attempt another cycle.

lilywhiterose Sat 23-Feb-19 09:44:16

We only got one viable - which failed.

Fiveredbricks Sat 23-Feb-19 09:45:17

You need to work on your egg quality for several months if you can then try again. It will give him the break he needs too.

Waveysnail Sat 23-Feb-19 09:45:29

He sounds like he's really disappointed and just need a break and time to process

lilywhiterose Sat 23-Feb-19 09:48:50

I get the impression he feels he has ticked the box by trying now he wants to move on. Already he was talking about this can't go on indefinitely.....

Ylvamoon Sat 23-Feb-19 09:56:27

OP he might be grieving... give him some space and let him come back to you when he is ready. Men are different they don't talk as much. By the sounds of it he buried himself in other things. If your relationship is solid, there will be space for taking very soon! flowers

FullOfJellyBeans Sat 23-Feb-19 10:00:26


Sounds tricky OP. I think going through IVF does tend to be very stressful for couple. My impression is that his way of dealing with it is to busy himself with other things where as you want to dive headlong into it and prepare yourself for the next try. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It's just a difficult time and you have different ways of coping.

lilywhiterose Sat 23-Feb-19 10:20:07

DH struggles with emotions, I just wish his shutters wouldn't come down

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 23-Feb-19 10:25:37

He’s entitled to deal with it in his own way. He might need to avoid it for a bit. Can you give him space and lean on a friend instead?

lilywhiterose Sat 23-Feb-19 22:03:28

He didn't want to tell anyone so I have no one to talk to but him.

Nothinglefttochoose Sun 24-Feb-19 07:17:22

Don’t give up. Usually the first cycle is a flop because they have no idea how your body will react to the hormones. I’d do three cycles at least (if you can afford it) then think about calling it quits. Good luck xx

JenniferJareau Sun 24-Feb-19 07:23:21

Sounds like he needs a break from it including any conversation about it. I've known some men in the same situation and they were fed up of all the talk and all their activities focused on having a child as they felt it had fully taken over their marriage and there was nothing else. Not saying you are like that but it is worth a thought.

I'd give him some space and not discuss it for a few months then find out where you stand.

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