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No intimacy before sex

(45 Posts)
Blahblah79 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:04:43

I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 yrs and in the beginning we did used to have regular adventurous sex, sex outdoors etc, but fast forward to today and I am 5 months pregnant with a almost 4 year old. We both work (myself 40+ hours per week) and on top of that there’s looking after our son and housework etc. The problem is my OH constant reference to sex. Granted he hasn’t had any for a couple of weeks now but the reason behind this is the way he goes about initiating it. I could quite easily go without at all at the moment but feel guilty for not ‘giving him any’ but I don’t feel turned on by how he wants it. He will often tell me he is going out onto the back patio and say to me ‘are you coming out to ‘stroke’ this!?’
Or he will ask ‘can I whip your tits out tonight?’
He really doesn’t seem to understand that this isn’t normal.
If I am laid on the couch watching tv or trying to relax (been having a lot of back pain lately) he will often just put his hands down my top for a grope to which I then feel bad if I pull his hands away.
This morning he woke me up at 7:30am before he went to work, (little one had got into bed with us through the night) to ask me if I wanted to go onto the patio with him.... to which I replied thanks for waking me up, even though I got with the little one yesterday and let you have a lie in!! this resulted in him going to work without him saying bye to me.
I know he watches porn and I think he thinks porn sex is the norm and this is why we don’t have any intimacy beforehand, I feel bad for not giving him any but I’m just too fed up of it all to care anymore

werideatdawn Sat 23-Feb-19 09:06:09

Ew! I don't even know where to begin. How can you stand him?! He sounds disgusting.

Roxyxoxo Sat 23-Feb-19 09:06:11

Have you spoken to him about it?

twofingerstoEverything Sat 23-Feb-19 09:06:27

LTB. That sounds beyond grim.

BigSandyBalls2015 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:08:03

Patio shock

PalmTree101 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:09:23

You need a Serious Talk

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 23-Feb-19 09:10:01

I would do some straight talking when you’re together and sex definitely isn’t on the cards. Explain what you might be interested in and what is a massive turn off. Perhaps underline that even if he does all the right stuff, that guarantees nothing because you’re a consenting/not consenting human, not a sex doll.

Blahblah79 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:10:34

I’ve mentioned it a few times and it seems to stop but starts up again, I sent him a message after this mornings episode telling him if he wants more sex he should go about it differently but he probably won’t reply anything back to me about it. I sent in text because he usually doesn’t like to talk things through face to face like an adult!!

IWonderedLonelyAsACloud Sat 23-Feb-19 09:15:56

Porn is incredibly damaging tp relationships. My husband and I went to therapy after his emotional affair and his porn addiction was a major factor in what happened. Your dh has forgotten everything that goes along with real world sex including, attraction, turn ons, intimacy etc. You need to talk to him. Tell him how his actions are off putting. Tell him what you actually want. Good luck.

Blahblah79 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:16:05

He makes comments like ‘I remember when you used to enjoy sex outside’ but he doesn’t seem to realise that was almost 10 years ago when we didn’t have kids and I weren’t pregnant! He doesn’t seem to realise that life changes and my sexual needs and wants have changed too!

DisplayPurposesOnly Sat 23-Feb-19 09:16:13

Why is it you 'giving' him sex? The onus is also on him to 'give' you sex in a way that works for you.

If you don't want to have sex with him, I think you need to tell him plainly. "I don't want to have sex with you because I don't feel sexy. I would like you to..."

You might also point out that if he pulled his weight around the house, you'd be less tired and more likely to have the energy for sex.

A caring unselfish person wouldn't need any of this explaining to him. I think you're going to struggle.

IWonderedLonelyAsACloud Sat 23-Feb-19 09:20:17

Oh, and stop worrying about his feelings. The next time he mentions 'the patio', say 'no, I want you to run me a nice hot bath, spend sometime rubbing my back and turning me on, and then I will think about having sex, but you need to make it worth my while.'

troubleswillbeoutofsight Sat 23-Feb-19 09:21:08

Your lack of communication with each other sounds the main issue. Needing to text your husband to discuss something so important is very sad. Could you just sit him down and be very very clear? ‘ I find your suggestive comments and innuendos a real turn off. If you carry on doing this I won’t actually want to have sex with you’. It doesn’t really matter how it makes him feel. Hes an adult and if he’s old enough for sex and having a family he’s old enough to discuss problems without it needing to be in a text

Blahblah79 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:22:18

I honestly cringe if I accidentally mention words in conversation like ‘empty’ can you empty the bin please’ because I know I will get a response along the lines of ‘the bin isn’t the only thing that needs an empty!’ Honestly, I just feel like telling him to crack on and sort himself out!

glitterbiscuits Sat 23-Feb-19 09:22:17


Does he have any redeeming features? What could you see in someone who speaks an acts like this. It's vile.

LunafortJest Sat 23-Feb-19 13:03:49

He sounds like an absolute pig. Was he like this when first got with him? Him watching porn is not something I would ever allow or put up with.

Cremeeggsareforever Sat 23-Feb-19 13:59:31

Firstly, why does he keep referencing the patio?!

Can't you chat to him about the fact that is how he tries to initiate things is a huge turn off? Men can be turned on by their penis being touched (some men anyway) and it is possible that he could think that just touching your boobs etc will be enough to get you going, especially if that is what he sees in porn. Have a chat about what actually gets you in the mood and what is off putting for you.

StuntCroissant Sat 23-Feb-19 14:03:50

Oh god this makes my skin crawl!!!! He sounds like a teenager. Not attractive and clearly quite stupid if he thinks his approach is going to work.

picklemepopcorn Sat 23-Feb-19 14:16:05

You could suggest he tries being a bit more attractive?

At the moment he's behaving like someone you'd avoid, not someone you'd want to spend more time with.

Crunchymum Sat 23-Feb-19 14:20:08

I'm guessing outdoor sex used to take place on the patio? Hence the reference.

Jeez he is gross isn't he?

TitsalinaBumSquash Sat 23-Feb-19 14:21:18

I think I would cringe myself inside out everytime he spoke, he sounds like one of the inbetweeners!
If he's not willing to talk to you like an adult and realise that what he sees online isn't really life I really don't see how you can go forward. I'd end up lamping him one if he kept grabbing me like a piece of meat.

NameChangeNugget Sat 23-Feb-19 14:22:23

It sounds like you’re growing apart. His methods are vile.

He wants what he has 10 years ago

SureTry Sat 23-Feb-19 14:26:29

Oh god that made me shiver 🤢. Unfortunately, he'll never learn, I left my EXH because of the groping and vulgarity.

MoonGeek Sat 23-Feb-19 14:29:32


Meandyouandyouandme Sat 23-Feb-19 14:31:13

I could’ve have written this post, my H is like this. I’m very careful about how I phrase things like you, I’ll never say has a delivery come for example, as I’ll get it’s not the only thing that needs to come. Also the words brew, screw and chew are regularly used in banter hmm I just find it tiresome and extremely unarousing. Plus the unwanted groping and grabbing, I’ve no advice though, sorry. If I complain I get called the ice queen, and he says I’m acting like I’m 84. I’m in my late 40s, so not quite that old!

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