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37 and longing for a child..not sure I'm with Mr Right though

(29 Posts)
Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon Fri 22-Feb-19 21:31:20

Ok so, throwing this out there and hoping I dont get too attacked! Im nearly 37 and have a 6 yr old from a previous relationship. I met my current partner 3 yrs ago.. not yet living together but have discussed it. To be honest as much as I want it to "feel right" .. im not sure he is right.. nothing major but living with him would be hard work..hes slightly obsessed with cleanliness, overly house proud and his hobby is saving money and investing! I am house proud and clean etc but not to the extent he is! It sounds mean but I feel a bit bored with him not sure i could live happily ever after with him?! I would never string him along and he knows how i feel.. ive been honest. Im just not sure hes "the one for me" but hes perfect on paper..financially stable and hes desperate for kids! Hes 41 and im nearly 37. Anyway advice please .. what do i do? End it and try and meet "the one" before my biological clock ends (this would be my ideal situation but a risk given my age) or have a baby with him, knowing he wants a baby and would be a fab dad but we may not be together forever? I know the 3rd option is sperm donor but i think id be better off having a baby with him so the baby has a father figure and i have support (not looking to get into debate on right/wrongs of sperm donor and i have nothing against women who choose this route i just think it would be my last resort altho definitely an option i'd consider).

I know in my heart if i dont have another baby I will be heartbroken.. i wish i could pause time and meet mr right but times flying by.. yes we all know someone who had a baby at 41 but i may not be so lucky? Im petrified of being single at 37 and longing for a baby (yes this is selfish but its my reality and honest feelings). I love being a mum and im desperate for another child. Anyone been in this situation? As i say..please be kind as im really stressing about this.

Klopptimist Fri 22-Feb-19 21:48:21

Let me get this right, you'd basically be using him as a sperm donor and a cashpoint? You are willing to drag your existing child into a life which is, in your own words, "hard work", just to satisfy your own wants. That's out of order.

lucylockett27 Fri 22-Feb-19 21:53:26

Move on, don't sell yourself (or him) short.

Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon Fri 22-Feb-19 21:55:37

Kloptimist... your comment is precisely why i hesitated to post.. if you read my post properly i said... "I would never string him along and he knows how i feel" ...
never mind :-/

PalmTree101 Fri 22-Feb-19 21:57:55

Honestly? Forget about having a child with this man if he’s not mr right.

Your longing for another child is an animal trick of nature.

You’ve got one healthy child, focus on your blessings and build a life with your six year old.

Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon Fri 22-Feb-19 21:57:59

I guess im interested to hear from women in their late 30s with this sort of dilema on their mind.. i.e. longing for kids v age and time to meet mr right.. yes slefish in some ways but realistic.. i love being a mum and feel so fulfilled with the child i have but desperate for another but clock against me.. if youre not in this dilema may ne hard to sympathise :-/

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Fri 22-Feb-19 21:59:39

Yabvvvvvvu and you know it

Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon Fri 22-Feb-19 22:02:26

So its vvvvu even if he wants a baby too and fullybunderstands how i feel?

lucylockett27 Fri 22-Feb-19 22:03:25

I had my first child at 37 via IVF after years of 'trying'. I know the longing! DH then left me (whilst I was preggers!) I then met new DH and had 2nd child at 39. I do sympathise with the dilemma, but I think given what you have said you would be selling yourself short. You don't want to end up a single mum with 2 kids. Better to move on and Mr Right will hopefully come along.

toddlermom Fri 22-Feb-19 22:05:11

I left my ex fiancé at 37. Met husband at 38, first baby 39, second 42 and expecting 3rd ar 44.
I was very lucky I know but I count my blessings daily not with my ex, he was so wrong for me I was miserable every day. And annoyed at myself for 'settling'.
I think I'd have become ill if I stayed with him as I was always annoyed at him/awful ex MIL/ something he'd done or not done.
I know it's hard but I'd advise anyone to leave! It's so much harder with kids etc that it has to be great to start with!! Good luck!!

Aquamarine1029 Fri 22-Feb-19 22:08:21

Here's my idea... Talking to him about ending your dating relationship but choose to have a child together. He sounds like a decent person who would love their child, and he would be able to support the child financially as well. This might sound crazy, but this is exactly what my cousin did. She and her ex partner weren't a great match, but they did care for each other and they both wanted a child. My cousin was in her very late 30s, so she figured it's now or never if she wanted a baby. This was over 20 years ago and this arrangement worked out very well. My cousin's child has a wonderful relationship with her dad.

Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon Fri 22-Feb-19 22:09:27

Lucylockett and todler mum wow thats so encouraging to hear! Thank you!

AuntMarch Fri 22-Feb-19 22:10:26

I realised that's what I was doing. I told Ex I wasn't happy and changed my mind, but then found out I'd already fallen pregnant (it was QUICK!). Tried to make it work, but the more we talked about living together the more I dreaded it. We are no longer trying to make us work but we have a good platonic relationship and are looking forward to raising this baby.
It's not ideal though. In some ways I wish I'd done the donor thing because I know it is not going to be easy!!

Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon Fri 22-Feb-19 22:10:53

Aquakarine thats an amazing story! My 6ur olds dad and i get on well and so i know ot can work but nice to know my sons dad wasnt a one off lol. Thanks for sharing :-)

PalmTree101 Fri 22-Feb-19 22:11:48

How do you think it will impact on your current actual living and breathing six year old? You have a baby and then break up. Loads of disruption to your child. All totally foreseen and not a surprise. Not cool.

Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon Fri 22-Feb-19 22:12:47

Auntmarch i guess with the donor option you dont have to consult dad and share xmases etc which is hard as a mum (and as a dad) but altho tricky for you its great your baby has dad in their life xx

Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon Fri 22-Feb-19 22:13:43

Palm tree.. yess far from ideal but far worse things have happened. Kids adapt and overal id feel bad of my son didnt have a sibling.

Notonthestairs Fri 22-Feb-19 22:20:04

Split up (it's fine - you aren't a good couple/match). Suggest having a child together on the basis that you are no longer a couple and find out what he thinks.

Or a sperm donor.

Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon Fri 22-Feb-19 22:21:37

Toddlermum i meant to ask where did you meet your oh? I was on dating sites for 3 yrs and no luck :-/

ChasedByBees Fri 22-Feb-19 22:30:44

If he’s keen on being a father, would he want to be the resident parent?

PalmTree101 Fri 22-Feb-19 22:33:31

overal id feel bad of my son didnt have a sibling

Think about all the people you know.

Now think about those that have a fab relationship with siblings. Those that are indifferent. And those that have an awful relationship.

I think you’ll have people in all categories. It isn’t all sweetness and light.

I fucking love (and like) my sibling, but I’m aware I’m very lucky. And if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t know it any other way.

Butteredghost Fri 22-Feb-19 23:10:48

OK I'm putting on my flame proof suit. I don't think YABU. You say he's a bit boring and you aren't sure if he's "the one". Honestly I don't believe in "the one". No one is the one. Even if they are or seem to be, things can go tits up over time. And every LTR is a bit boring at times.

OK he isn't perfect, but who is? Are you generally happy together (in that low key LTR way, not in a butterflies and rainbows way). Do you get on well. Do you work as a team. There must be something there if you have been together for 3 years.

You could do a lot worse than a nice, kind man who enjoys cleaning and investing, and wants to be a dad.

People post on here daily about how they have 2-3 kids with men who aren't interested in being fathers, are pigs domestically and in massive debt. They once loved these men but are now desperately unhappy in their situation. I know it doesn't have to be a race to the bottom. But my point is, it can't all be about love when choosing your baby daddy - you have to use your head as well.

Why not move in together and see what happens. Commit to yourself to make a decision about staying or leaving in six months.

Its a bit unfair to the man to continue on like this. If he really wants a child you are wasting his time, he could be spending meeting someone else.

Butteredghost Fri 22-Feb-19 23:13:41

Can you tell us more about what is good in the relationship? Is it just not perfect, or is it actually unpleasant spending time together?

northernsouljunket Fri 22-Feb-19 23:26:31


northernsouljunket Fri 22-Feb-19 23:30:28

My worry with him would be if it didn’t last. He is keen to be a father and it might be an only child. If you separated he might, rightly, want a 50/50 parenting schedule. I would really struggle with that. Though there are no guarantees with any relationship.

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