37 and longing for a child..not sure I'm with Mr Right though

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Ok so, throwing this out there and hoping I dont get too attacked! Im nearly 37 and have a 6 yr old from a previous relationship. I met my current partner 3 yrs ago.. not yet living together but have discussed it. To be honest as much as I want it to "feel right" .. im not sure he is right.. nothing major but living with him would be hard work..hes slightly obsessed with cleanliness, overly house proud and his hobby is saving money and investing! I am house proud and clean etc but not to the extent he is! It sounds mean but I feel a bit bored with him not sure i could live happily ever after with him?! I would never string him along and he knows how i feel.. ive been honest. Im just not sure hes "the one for me" but hes perfect on paper..financially stable and hes desperate for kids! Hes 41 and im nearly 37. Anyway advice please .. what do i do? End it and try and meet "the one" before my biological clock ends (this would be my ideal situation but a risk given my age) or have a baby with him, knowing he wants a baby and would be a fab dad but we may not be together forever? I know the 3rd option is sperm donor but i think id be better off having a baby with him so the baby has a father figure and i have support (not looking to get into debate on right/wrongs of sperm donor and i have nothing against women who choose this route i just think it would be my last resort altho definitely an option i'd consider).

I know in my heart if i dont have another baby I will be heartbroken.. i wish i could pause time and meet mr right but times flying by.. yes we all know someone who had a baby at 41 but i may not be so lucky? Im petrified of being single at 37 and longing for a baby (yes this is selfish but its my reality and honest feelings). I love being a mum and im desperate for another child. Anyone been in this situation? As i say..please be kind as im really stressing about this.

[Klopptimist]

Let me get this right, you'd basically be using him as a sperm donor and a cashpoint? You are willing to drag your existing child into a life which is, in your own words, "hard work", just to satisfy your own wants. That's out of order.

[lucylockett27]

Move on, don't sell yourself (or him) short.

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Kloptimist... your comment is precisely why i hesitated to post.. if you read my post properly i said... "I would never string him along and he knows how i feel" ...
never mind :-/

[PalmTree101]

Honestly? Forget about having a child with this man if he’s not mr right.

Your longing for another child is an animal trick of nature.

You’ve got one healthy child, focus on your blessings and build a life with your six year old.

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I guess im interested to hear from women in their late 30s with this sort of dilema on their mind.. i.e. longing for kids v age and time to meet mr right.. yes slefish in some ways but realistic.. i love being a mum and feel so fulfilled with the child i have but desperate for another but clock against me.. if youre not in this dilema may ne hard to sympathise :-/

[Horsemenoftheaclopalypse]

Yabvvvvvvu and you know it

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

So its vvvvu even if he wants a baby too and fullybunderstands how i feel?

[lucylockett27]

I had my first child at 37 via IVF after years of 'trying'. I know the longing! DH then left me (whilst I was preggers!) I then met new DH and had 2nd child at 39. I do sympathise with the dilemma, but I think given what you have said you would be selling yourself short. You don't want to end up a single mum with 2 kids. Better to move on and Mr Right will hopefully come along.

[toddlermom]

I left my ex fiancé at 37. Met husband at 38, first baby 39, second 42 and expecting 3rd ar 44.
I was very lucky I know but I count my blessings daily not with my ex, he was so wrong for me I was miserable every day. And annoyed at myself for 'settling'.
I think I'd have become ill if I stayed with him as I was always annoyed at him/awful ex MIL/ something he'd done or not done.
I know it's hard but I'd advise anyone to leave! It's so much harder with kids etc that it has to be great to start with!! Good luck!!

[Aquamarine1029]

Here's my idea... Talking to him about ending your dating relationship but choose to have a child together. He sounds like a decent person who would love their child, and he would be able to support the child financially as well. This might sound crazy, but this is exactly what my cousin did. She and her ex partner weren't a great match, but they did care for each other and they both wanted a child. My cousin was in her very late 30s, so she figured it's now or never if she wanted a baby. This was over 20 years ago and this arrangement worked out very well. My cousin's child has a wonderful relationship with her dad.

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Lucylockett and todler mum wow thats so encouraging to hear! Thank you!

[AuntMarch]

I realised that's what I was doing. I told Ex I wasn't happy and changed my mind, but then found out I'd already fallen pregnant (it was QUICK!). Tried to make it work, but the more we talked about living together the more I dreaded it. We are no longer trying to make us work but we have a good platonic relationship and are looking forward to raising this baby.
It's not ideal though. In some ways I wish I'd done the donor thing because I know it is not going to be easy!!

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Aquakarine thats an amazing story! My 6ur olds dad and i get on well and so i know ot can work but nice to know my sons dad wasnt a one off lol. Thanks for sharing :-)

[PalmTree101]

How do you think it will impact on your current actual living and breathing six year old? You have a baby and then break up. Loads of disruption to your child. All totally foreseen and not a surprise. Not cool.

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Auntmarch i guess with the donor option you dont have to consult dad and share xmases etc which is hard as a mum (and as a dad) but altho tricky for you its great your baby has dad in their life xx

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Palm tree.. yess far from ideal but far worse things have happened. Kids adapt and overal id feel bad of my son didnt have a sibling.

[Notonthestairs]

Split up (it's fine - you aren't a good couple/match). Suggest having a child together on the basis that you are no longer a couple and find out what he thinks.

Or a sperm donor.

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Toddlermum i meant to ask where did you meet your oh? I was on dating sites for 3 yrs and no luck :-/

[ChasedByBees]

If he’s keen on being a father, would he want to be the resident parent?

[PalmTree101]

overal id feel bad of my son didnt have a sibling

Think about all the people you know.

Now think about those that have a fab relationship with siblings. Those that are indifferent. And those that have an awful relationship.

I think you’ll have people in all categories. It isn’t all sweetness and light.

I fucking love (and like) my sibling, but I’m aware I’m very lucky. And if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t know it any other way.

[Butteredghost]

OK I'm putting on my flame proof suit. I don't think YABU. You say he's a bit boring and you aren't sure if he's "the one". Honestly I don't believe in "the one". No one is the one. Even if they are or seem to be, things can go tits up over time. And every LTR is a bit boring at times.

OK he isn't perfect, but who is? Are you generally happy together (in that low key LTR way, not in a butterflies and rainbows way). Do you get on well. Do you work as a team. There must be something there if you have been together for 3 years.

You could do a lot worse than a nice, kind man who enjoys cleaning and investing, and wants to be a dad.

People post on here daily about how they have 2-3 kids with men who aren't interested in being fathers, are pigs domestically and in massive debt. They once loved these men but are now desperately unhappy in their situation. I know it doesn't have to be a race to the bottom. But my point is, it can't all be about love when choosing your baby daddy - you have to use your head as well.

Why not move in together and see what happens. Commit to yourself to make a decision about staying or leaving in six months.

Its a bit unfair to the man to continue on like this. If he really wants a child you are wasting his time, he could be spending meeting someone else.

[Butteredghost]

Can you tell us more about what is good in the relationship? Is it just not perfect, or is it actually unpleasant spending time together?

[northernsouljunket]

I

[northernsouljunket]

My worry with him would be if it didn’t last. He is keen to be a father and it might be an only child. If you separated he might, rightly, want a 50/50 parenting schedule. I would really struggle with that. Though there are no guarantees with any relationship.

[Linning]

OP, you sound oddly selfish, your need/will to have a baby doesn't trump your existing child's well-being let alone the one of a potential kid regardless of whether or not you think kids adapt to everything. My mum did exactly what you did had a baby (2 actually) with Mr wrong knowing he wasn't the right guy to have a baby with, totally disregarding thinking what it would mean for us as she felt her will for a child was all that matter and two decades later, none of her 4 children are close to her. I have never forgiven her for willingly putting us in a shitty situation just so she could be a mother and the fact that she put her needs and wishes above the one of her kids probably meant she most likely shouldn't have been a mother in the first place. I am sure if you'd ask her now she would pick finding the right guy and being at the right place for having children even if it meant having one or two instead of 4, over having 4 kids who barely have anything to do with her due to the (poor) choices she's made based on the fact that she wanted to be a mum more than she cared about what it meant for the children involved.

You already have a gorgeous DS, he should be your priority, and if you are going to have a second baby it's your duty to make sure it happens within the best conditions possible for everyone (it's different if you are accidentally pregnant or else, but considering having a baby in conditions you already know are far from being ideal just because you want one is plain selfishness).