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To think I should know what my husband earns

(78 Posts)
Nevertoomuch22 Fri 22-Feb-19 20:04:21

How do other married couples handle their finances? Been married for 8 years and have no clue what my DH even earns, I have asked and have a rough idea but it seems none of my business. I pay all the household bills including some small personnal depts and he gives me £150 per week from which I use half for our grocery shopping. I have suggested opening a joint account so that we can pay equal money into it each month but then find out my DH had went ahead and opened a separate account and kept it from me. Is it unusual for married couples to keep their finances separate this way confused

SatsumaFan Sat 23-Feb-19 09:39:06

I'm married (been together a decade) and have two young dc, don't work and have no clue what my dh earns. We have separate accounts - he pays into mine. Both names on mortgage.

It does feel very 1950's and controlling but it's the only issue I have, and he has never said no when I've asked for more money and rarely comments on my spending (he pays all mortgage and bills and for holidays and cars etc, I buy all clothes, food and other day to day things).

Are you unhappy then OP?

Justanotheruser01 Sat 23-Feb-19 09:17:48

I only know ball park figure but then again dh only knows that too he doesn't even know when he gets paid! I most certainly know every penny of mine

Lucisky Sat 23-Feb-19 08:09:53

OP, I think he is saving his money on the quiet. It really doesn't matter what system a couple has for paying household bills etc, as long as it is fair and the amount of money available is transparent, and that they are both happy with it. None of this seems to be the case with your relationship.

feelingsinister Sat 23-Feb-19 07:58:44

I only know one couple personally with this situation and he was financially abusive.
I've seen it professionally a lot and it's almost never a good thing.
My relative had no idea what he earned after they had children because she ceased to be a person in her own right. He kept payslips and bank statements at work, was very tight with 'housekeeping' but happily spent a fortune on himself.
When they split it turned out he was earning about 30k more than she thought while she scrimped and shopped in charity shops. He hid money when they split and was been a massive cunt.

Its a red flag for me. I know people have different set ups but I don't understand it personally.

JeezOhGeeWhizz Sat 23-Feb-19 00:31:10

He sounds very mean.
Mean men are a miserable species.

littledoll33 Sat 23-Feb-19 00:28:30

@blueyellowgreen

I don't understand people who say it never comes up?

Do you not tell each other when you get a pay rise? Or negotiate salary at a new job? Or calculate how much you can borrow on a mortgage? Or work out what % you should be saving of your salaries? Or work out how much you can afford to spend on a car? Work out a household budget Etc.

Very odd to me!!!

I agree. I can't get my head round it tbh.

Not knowing the income of your life partner/husband/wife is alien to me.

Like you say, how do you make major financial decisions - like how much you can borrow on a mortgage?

A few people have come out with 'we are independent people, we have separate bank accounts, we pay our share of the bills separately and so on.' But in real life, virtually no-one I know actually does this. Not if it's a good, solid, loving relationship. They share everything, and support each other, and pretty much pool their finances. And they absolutely do know each others salaries.

I know only one couple where she doesn't know what he earns. Both mid 50's, together 10 years, he is divorced and she has never married. He is very cagey about what he earns and she has no clue. I do know it's a lot more than her though, because he has much more surplus income, and is always splashing out on his extravagant hobbies. He still makes her pay half towards everything, even though she in only on £15K per year.

He also recently inherited £150K which he didn't stop crowing about for a month. She didn't see a penny of it. They went on holiday together in September, and he made sure she paid half.

I would rather be alone, than in a weird, toxic, 'relationship' like this.

He won't get married either. I mean, he wouldn't want to share his money with her would he? wink

79andnotout Fri 22-Feb-19 23:21:05

@blueyellowgreen - no, we don't have those conversations. I own my own house and car. I've changed jobs a couple of times and my salary has gone up and down, depending on what I was looking for. I have my own savings, he has his own savings. We each pay an amount into the joint account for bills, holidays, etc and if it needs topping up we add some more in. We're both independent people and it suits us fine.

NotMeNoNo Fri 22-Feb-19 23:15:54

I know exactly what DH earns as I look after all the household stuff from our joint accounts. He probably can't remember my exact salary but it's no secret and we do sit down every now and then to work out a budget.

It'd seems a bit of an unbalance of power for one partner to keep large earnings secret and to themselves.

blueyellowgreen Fri 22-Feb-19 23:05:18

I don't understand people who say it never comes up?

Do you not tell each other when you get a pay rise? Or negotiate salary at a new job? Or calculate how much you can borrow on a mortgage? Or work out what % you should be saving of your salaries? Or work out how much you can afford to spend on a car? Work out a household budget Etc

Very odd to me!!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Fri 22-Feb-19 23:04:50

No I don’t think this is normal.

Reminds me of a manager asking me if I told my husband I got a promotion confused like I might have kept it a secret?!

anniehm Fri 22-Feb-19 22:59:58

It's very unusual for him to be secretive. Sounds suspicious to me

SD1978 Fri 22-Feb-19 22:51:25

So what does he pay?

79andnotout Fri 22-Feb-19 22:38:36

I don't know what my partner of 7 years earns and vice versa. No kids. We're both pretty comfortable after paying the bills from a joint account, though, and neither excessive spenders, so it doesn't seem particularly relevant.

itsbritneybiatches Fri 22-Feb-19 22:37:04

For reference

I have all the bills out of my account as I did this before he lived with me.

New bills come from his,
Gym etc.

We need to get one account to combine all bills..

In three years we still haven't bothered to her round to this

Butteredghost Fri 22-Feb-19 22:34:43

It's not unusual to have separate accounts, but you would normally still have a good idea of what is coming and going from those accounts. This isnt just separate accounts, it's crazy and seems suss honestly. Why doesn't he want to split things fairly, why is he happy to just throw you a small amount and let you pay everything? Sit him down asap and work out a new plan.

itsbritneybiatches Fri 22-Feb-19 22:32:05

No idea previous to this thread.

Just asked him and he told me

We have separate finances. But I have a card If I want to use it.

We treat it all as one

Notageek Fri 22-Feb-19 22:16:07

We have no kids but My husband doesn’t know how much I earn, but has a good idea..(to the nearest £5k) equally I don’t know exactly what he earns. Its not a secret, just something we’ve never needed to talk about. We do however have a joint account for all bills and one for joint savings which we pay into proportionately (based on me earning double what he does). It works for us ..no drama, no deception. We each keep the rest of our earnings separate.

RavenousBabyButterfly Fri 22-Feb-19 22:07:59

I wouldn't be happy with it at all. Sounds like you are subsidising him. Please find out about financial abuse and see if you think it applies to you.

cordeliavorkosigan Fri 22-Feb-19 22:06:35

Ok I stand corrected, maybe you do want to divorce. This doesn't sound good at all.

lucylockett27 Fri 22-Feb-19 21:57:54

Not read all the thread, just op but outrageous. Absolutely no way would I be in a relationship without share finances. you are not being unreasonable. Full transparency needed.

DorothyZbornak Fri 22-Feb-19 21:55:35

If you pay ALL the bills, then what does your DH actually pay for. This is completely unfair, especially since you suspect he earns more than you.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Fri 22-Feb-19 21:53:09

Weird and unusual.

he is always telling me he has no money especially when I suggest he take me out or something small like takeaways.

I guarantee he is not paying his way, has secret savings and you are subsidising him

GabriellaMontez Fri 22-Feb-19 21:49:01

So he's not paying half the rent? Why are you subbing him?

CountFosco Fri 22-Feb-19 21:44:40

DH and I have a joint account that we pay enough into to cover all bills and food. At various times he or I have paid in more, depending who earns most (at the moment it's pretty even). We leave equivalent amounts of spending/saving money in our own accounts.

MargueritaPink Fri 22-Feb-19 21:40:32

And we have been together for over 30 years.

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