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My bf cried and I don't know what to think

(160 Posts)
Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:10:33

I'm 4 years separated from a very difficult/ abusive marriage. Lone parent to 2 dc. Met bf at a party around 8 months ago and we have got on really well since.

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children.

I have always told bf that if he wants kids (he is younger) I am not the woman for him as I absolutely do not want any more.

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially. Ive laughed it off but I thought I should really make it totally transparent that I am not available at all for cohabiting, blending or family life in any way, including financially. So I brought it up with him, nicely, explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour. I felt awful.
Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?
Im not sure I understand why he was so upset as I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with him, just that the relationship would need to continue as is. Help.

WellThisIsShit Fri 22-Feb-19 19:27:53

All sorts of alarm bells ringing, big and small, none to be ignored I think.

Sashkin Fri 22-Feb-19 19:01:49

He's mentioned this meme he's seen on FB a few times about lone female parents - 'its a pot noodle family.... Just add dad

I think what I find vomit-inducing about this is the idea that your life and family were all set up in the service of him, just waiting for him to grace you with his presence. No flexibility required from him, he'll just parachute in as head of the household, into the home and family that you have created for his benefit. There is no "stepdad will have to adapt to the way DC do things", or any hint of blending. No, your family were created for his benefit, and can fit around his wants and preferences.

That, and the idea that your family was missing a dad anyway. Your children have a father (however shit he may be), and even if they didn't, single parent families are not "missing" a father (my mum was widowed young and we were certainly not an incomplete family desperate for some man, any man, to fill the gap).

And yes, further to that he is not your children's dad and never will be. He is some bloke their mum has been dating for a couple of months. The fact that he is discussing this like your children will welcome him with open arms as their missing father figure is fucking creepy and deluded.

And the crying - DH is a crier. I find it quite sweet that DH is so softhearted and emotional. I still think an hour's worth of crying over this is excessive, and that your specific boyfriend sounds like a man-baby. Maybe not intentionally manipulative, but it doesn't sound like he has ever really grown up or had any adult responsibilities, which might explain why he is acting like a teenager whose first girlfriend has broken up with him to go out with his best mate.

My two year old will cry and cry and beg me to change my mind when I say no to biscuits. It is the end of the world to him, and it is heartbreaking to watch his little face streaming with tears. Not so heartbreaking that he gets a biscuit though.

poglets Fri 22-Feb-19 18:20:52

He was testing the water.

You've been clear about what you want. Stick to it. You and your children will be happier for it.

lolaflores Fri 22-Feb-19 16:40:57

There are no jokes, only the truth. People hide what they really mean behind a joke.

SilverySurfer Fri 22-Feb-19 16:14:05

Years ago my sister's first boyfriend treated her like shit, turning up hours late picking her up for a date (pre mobile phones), cancelling dates to take off with his friends etc and she put up with it all until one day the worm turned and she told him it was over. He sat crying in his car all night outside our house but she had had enough. He learned a hard lesson and so will your bloke, OP.

If you wanted to, you could help him to be more independent, financially and emotionally, open his eyes to what it's like having to stand on his own two feet, help him move into a place of his own and be a part of the real world

Bizarre suggestion. Why the fuck do you think that the OP would want to spend time and effort doing that for someone who wants to contribute nothing and is better suited being at home with his mummy?

chestylarue52 Fri 22-Feb-19 15:07:52

BTW my partner cries too. I've seen him cry a few times. Once at telling me about a dear friend on the anniversary of his death. Once on talking about how scared he was about another friend dying. Never because I'd asserted my perfectly reasonable emotional and practical boundaries..

chestylarue52 Fri 22-Feb-19 15:01:48

You don't sound emotionally unavailable!

You need a man like mine, he has his own home and lives just near me and we spend a lot of nice time together but have our own lives and own earning.

He did ask me if I wanted to move in with him and I said no. He shrugged and said 'OK as you wish' because he's a grown up

pallisers Fri 22-Feb-19 14:58:26

Hes mentioned this meme he's seen on FB a few times about lone female parents - 'its a pot noodle family.... Just add dad'

God that is vomity. This is what he thinks is going to happen - fucking awful. I'd be gone gone gone gone. I'd be gone at the heaving sobs for an hour too. And the comment about him being your third child - gone to goneness.

YOu sound lovely OP. There are definitely men out there who would love a relationship with someone like you and who will also understand that you don't want to merge lives. You can do way better. There is something very off about this one.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Fri 22-Feb-19 14:49:38

If you wanted to, you could help him to be more independent, financially and emotionally, open his eyes to what it's like having to stand on his own two feet, help him move into a place of his own and be a part of the real world

Eh? Why on earth would OP want to do that? That's his parents job...or rather the job they should have started when he was in his teens. If OP doesn't want anything other than a casual dating relationship why the hell would she want to take responsibility for teaching him how to be a grown up? That's like taking on another dependant!

Nomorepies Fri 22-Feb-19 14:35:46

He wants you to take care of him like a child
and financially? He wants a mother??

Why are warning bells not ringing for you? IMO you’ve been totally upfront and honest and I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. I think he’s emotionally
Blackmailing you. The crying seems odd.

I’d end this if I were you, I think you’ll get suckered into a living situation you don’t want and a “third child”. Sounds like he’s got some growing up to do- away from you.

Gina2012 Fri 22-Feb-19 14:29:35

Well we've not broken up

confusedconfused

NunoGoncalves Fri 22-Feb-19 14:28:11

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially

WTF? What kind of a person says something like that? Yuk!!

explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour

This "man" sounds like a child.

hellenbackagen Fri 22-Feb-19 14:23:06

Op ,

He is 10 years younger and he just probably hoped the relationship would progress in time.

I do t think he is being unreasonable in that but you clearly want different things. He was probably just sad that you spelled it out so clearly.

I get it a bit - my kids are grown up and I live with my dp but he has told me he will never marry me . He just doesn't want marriage ever again. And I found that hard because there was a part of me that wanted that romantic ideal. It's not s deal breaker for me, but it would be if he wanted to keep at arms length and firmly in casual girlfriend status.
You need to talk to him. He was living in hope.

headinhands Fri 22-Feb-19 14:16:26

Thank god he was so honest about his expectations. He sounds like a child.

Mushroomsarehorrible Fri 22-Feb-19 14:14:23

Sounds like he was joking about the third kid / finance stuff, OP. The tears could have been because he's... shock horror hmm .. upset that his hopes of a future with you have been ruined

How does anyone on this thread know that he had cocklodger potential confused ... so much surmising it's actually laughable.

No wonder MN has a such a rep for being a nest of man hating vipers

TheHodgeoftheHedge Fri 22-Feb-19 14:09:33

Absolutely everything CantStopMeNow said. X100.
The simple fact of the matter is you both want different things and you should listening to your gut “shudder” about his jokes of an instant family and being taken care of. These are serious red flags.
Cut him loose and be done with it.

Seaweed42 Fri 22-Feb-19 14:04:42

My 2 cents worth - as a therapist training in Attachment and psychodynamic therapy.
All the time he was looking for a substitute Mum.
"It was as though he had loads of thoughts and fears that suddenly completely overwhelmed him."
The thought of you not becoming his alternative Mum really, honestly, genuinely came as a massive shock to him.
In his unconscious mind, he had created and was holding a fantasy about you looking after him.
He has not yet separated from his Mum. The truth is at this point, he never will unless he seeks therapy to try to complete this process.
Or he can move out on his own and spend a couple of years living alone. Likely he will try to buy an apartment within 5 mins of Mummy and go to hers every night for dinner.
What I would forecast happening is that he would move in with you. Everything would be fine for a few weeks. Slowly he would start expecting you to be Mum. Because in his unconscious mind you would become the Mum.
Then he would start competing with your children for your attention.
More likely if he is an only child or Mum's special boy. There would be ructions in your house.
Silent treatments, pointed remarks 'you don't really love me' etc etc.
He basically cried like a child. You saw that. He has actually said to you do you want a third child. It is what it is saying it is.

Bakingberry Fri 22-Feb-19 14:02:09

My only advice is run for the hills and don't look back!

JonestheRemail Fri 22-Feb-19 13:58:55

Yes to the manipulative performance crying. I had this from an exbf with whom I went on FOUR DATES when I said I did not want to see him again. TBH I had worked out by that time that he was not coping with life and my main appeal was my house, money and a ready made family so he did not have to struggle any more, but when he started crying over it that confirmed it was the end for me.

I can understand being hurt and disappointed, I can understand crying, but really, the normal thing to do would be for him to fuck off and do that in private at home, not lie in your spare bedroom crying dramatically and expect anything other than a bye mate.

MitziK Fri 22-Feb-19 13:58:05

Send him back home to his own Mummy. He might love you, but this reaction and his testing the waters about being looked after/another child suggests very clearly that he is not an appropriate person to be in a relationship with.

timeisnotaline Fri 22-Feb-19 13:57:07

I think the tears were for realising he hadn’t sewn up the next stage of being cared for.
I want integrated op. But not with a clueless 30s manchild with no concept of savings, investments, bills and finances, or cooking shopping and cleaning. I’d run a mile from that.

PositiveVibez Fri 22-Feb-19 13:56:47

Please don't drip feed that he asked for bitty.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 13:56:45

At work now so can't reply really- but worried that I've put a lot of identifying details in and it would be excellent tabloid fodder along the lines of 'what women really think about men crying' and so I've asked it to be zapped. The advice has been brilliant and I'm certainly taking it all on board.

mummmy2017 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:56:14

Sorry but crying for an hour means he probably does it at home to his mum.
Maybe she asked him about moving in with you, as she wants a life.
If your child cried for an hour over being told no, I don't think you would be pleased

PyongyangKipperbang Fri 22-Feb-19 13:56:05

I've been thinking about it and I can only remember one time when I cried for an hour non stop.

It was about 6 weeks after my marriage ended in a very traumatic way. I had held it all in, for the kids, because I had to work, because I was struggling to acknowledge the feelings. Then something very small and totally unrelated happened and it all came out. I cried and cried and cried. I cried so hard I was sick actually. It sounds very dramatic but it wasnt, I was at home alone and just let it happen, it was very healing. I needed to do it.

But in someone elses home, over a mild (at worst) disappointment? What a bloody drama queen.

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