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My bf cried and I don't know what to think

(160 Posts)
Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:10:33

I'm 4 years separated from a very difficult/ abusive marriage. Lone parent to 2 dc. Met bf at a party around 8 months ago and we have got on really well since.

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children.

I have always told bf that if he wants kids (he is younger) I am not the woman for him as I absolutely do not want any more.

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially. Ive laughed it off but I thought I should really make it totally transparent that I am not available at all for cohabiting, blending or family life in any way, including financially. So I brought it up with him, nicely, explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour. I felt awful.
Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?
Im not sure I understand why he was so upset as I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with him, just that the relationship would need to continue as is. Help.

Nomorepies Fri 22-Feb-19 14:35:46

He wants you to take care of him like a child
and financially? He wants a mother??

Why are warning bells not ringing for you? IMO you’ve been totally upfront and honest and I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. I think he’s emotionally
Blackmailing you. The crying seems odd.

I’d end this if I were you, I think you’ll get suckered into a living situation you don’t want and a “third child”. Sounds like he’s got some growing up to do- away from you.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Fri 22-Feb-19 14:49:38

If you wanted to, you could help him to be more independent, financially and emotionally, open his eyes to what it's like having to stand on his own two feet, help him move into a place of his own and be a part of the real world

Eh? Why on earth would OP want to do that? That's his parents job...or rather the job they should have started when he was in his teens. If OP doesn't want anything other than a casual dating relationship why the hell would she want to take responsibility for teaching him how to be a grown up? That's like taking on another dependant!

pallisers Fri 22-Feb-19 14:58:26

Hes mentioned this meme he's seen on FB a few times about lone female parents - 'its a pot noodle family.... Just add dad'

God that is vomity. This is what he thinks is going to happen - fucking awful. I'd be gone gone gone gone. I'd be gone at the heaving sobs for an hour too. And the comment about him being your third child - gone to goneness.

YOu sound lovely OP. There are definitely men out there who would love a relationship with someone like you and who will also understand that you don't want to merge lives. You can do way better. There is something very off about this one.

chestylarue52 Fri 22-Feb-19 15:01:48

You don't sound emotionally unavailable!

You need a man like mine, he has his own home and lives just near me and we spend a lot of nice time together but have our own lives and own earning.

He did ask me if I wanted to move in with him and I said no. He shrugged and said 'OK as you wish' because he's a grown up

chestylarue52 Fri 22-Feb-19 15:07:52

BTW my partner cries too. I've seen him cry a few times. Once at telling me about a dear friend on the anniversary of his death. Once on talking about how scared he was about another friend dying. Never because I'd asserted my perfectly reasonable emotional and practical boundaries..

SilverySurfer Fri 22-Feb-19 16:14:05

Years ago my sister's first boyfriend treated her like shit, turning up hours late picking her up for a date (pre mobile phones), cancelling dates to take off with his friends etc and she put up with it all until one day the worm turned and she told him it was over. He sat crying in his car all night outside our house but she had had enough. He learned a hard lesson and so will your bloke, OP.

If you wanted to, you could help him to be more independent, financially and emotionally, open his eyes to what it's like having to stand on his own two feet, help him move into a place of his own and be a part of the real world

Bizarre suggestion. Why the fuck do you think that the OP would want to spend time and effort doing that for someone who wants to contribute nothing and is better suited being at home with his mummy?

lolaflores Fri 22-Feb-19 16:40:57

There are no jokes, only the truth. People hide what they really mean behind a joke.

poglets Fri 22-Feb-19 18:20:52

He was testing the water.

You've been clear about what you want. Stick to it. You and your children will be happier for it.

Sashkin Fri 22-Feb-19 19:01:49

He's mentioned this meme he's seen on FB a few times about lone female parents - 'its a pot noodle family.... Just add dad

I think what I find vomit-inducing about this is the idea that your life and family were all set up in the service of him, just waiting for him to grace you with his presence. No flexibility required from him, he'll just parachute in as head of the household, into the home and family that you have created for his benefit. There is no "stepdad will have to adapt to the way DC do things", or any hint of blending. No, your family were created for his benefit, and can fit around his wants and preferences.

That, and the idea that your family was missing a dad anyway. Your children have a father (however shit he may be), and even if they didn't, single parent families are not "missing" a father (my mum was widowed young and we were certainly not an incomplete family desperate for some man, any man, to fill the gap).

And yes, further to that he is not your children's dad and never will be. He is some bloke their mum has been dating for a couple of months. The fact that he is discussing this like your children will welcome him with open arms as their missing father figure is fucking creepy and deluded.

And the crying - DH is a crier. I find it quite sweet that DH is so softhearted and emotional. I still think an hour's worth of crying over this is excessive, and that your specific boyfriend sounds like a man-baby. Maybe not intentionally manipulative, but it doesn't sound like he has ever really grown up or had any adult responsibilities, which might explain why he is acting like a teenager whose first girlfriend has broken up with him to go out with his best mate.

My two year old will cry and cry and beg me to change my mind when I say no to biscuits. It is the end of the world to him, and it is heartbreaking to watch his little face streaming with tears. Not so heartbreaking that he gets a biscuit though.

WellThisIsShit Fri 22-Feb-19 19:27:53

All sorts of alarm bells ringing, big and small, none to be ignored I think.

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