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My bf cried and I don't know what to think

(160 Posts)
Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:10:33

I'm 4 years separated from a very difficult/ abusive marriage. Lone parent to 2 dc. Met bf at a party around 8 months ago and we have got on really well since.

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children.

I have always told bf that if he wants kids (he is younger) I am not the woman for him as I absolutely do not want any more.

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially. Ive laughed it off but I thought I should really make it totally transparent that I am not available at all for cohabiting, blending or family life in any way, including financially. So I brought it up with him, nicely, explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour. I felt awful.
Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?
Im not sure I understand why he was so upset as I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with him, just that the relationship would need to continue as is. Help.

sonjadog Fri 22-Feb-19 13:51:50

Sounds like performance crying to me. Who sits in someone's house sob sob sobbing for an hour because that person has said something that has hurt them? Most people I think would go for a walk or go home if they needed a good cry, not lie horizontal in the spare bedroom. Also, an hour? I've nothing against people crying of any gender, but an hour? I have never come across anyone genuinely upset crying for non-stop for that length of time. Sobbing on and off, yes. Shoulder-shaking howling, no.

contrary13 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:51:07

*do to start off with.

(ahem) I can type and spell... just not during half-term when there are offspring milling about!

SilverySurfer Fri 22-Feb-19 13:50:18

FriarTuck Fri 22-Feb-19 12:57:04
He probably just simply loves you very much and your message was hard to hear.

*This ^^. And a £ says it was nowhere near an hour of crying but a few minutes of being snuffly after a minute or so of crying.
Why are men not allowed to cry if they're emotional? Sounds a bit sexist to me.*

Too funny.

He's not only a mummy's boy but a cocklodger in waiting who is stupid enough to tell you in advance. I would send him back to his mummy, OP.

Well done for knowing what you want in life,

PutyourtoponTrevor Fri 22-Feb-19 13:50:09

You don't want the same things so why not cut him loose? The longer you keep seeing him, the more he will want to move in and talk about having more children

contrary13 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:49:55

Like others, I don't think he was joking when you thought you were. I think he was "joking" - but deep down, whether he'll admit to this or not, he wanted to be that third child... y'know, the one which won't ever grow up and fly the family nest.

You say that he works and always pays his own way. Cocklodgers to to start off with - otherwise how would they get their feet under the proverbial tables they eat their free/not cooked by them at all meals at? And yes; there are men out there who are attracted to single mothers, because we do have life pretty much sorted (on the surface, at least grin). The fact that he cried, in a dramatic, over the top/toddler throwing a tantrum sort of a way...? How are you supposed to respect that, OP? I know I couldn't.

You've dodged a bullet and, as fond as you are of him, maybe now is time to draw a line under this unequal relationship and move on - hopefully to a man, as opposed to a man-child, who you can be on an equal footing as adults with?

SchadenfreudePersonified Fri 22-Feb-19 13:47:48

I bet he was deadly serious. From the wanting to be looked after, the desire to be treated as your third child and the prolonged crying (wtf?!); it all screams manchild.

THIS ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

My Gawd!

What a twonk! None of us get everything we would like from life - we don't sit and cry like babies over it.

You are still together, so he isn't being dumped. What's he really got to complain about? Plus - I notice that he isn't suggesting that you get married and share finances/ workload/ responsibilities etc - just that he move in (for you to run around after).

Don't let him invade your personal space - you have been there, had a bad experience and are now, wisely, keeping that part of your life separate.

One day in the future, you may decide you want to live with hm, or with someone else - but make sure that that is YOUR decision, made freely, and not one you have been emotionally blackmailed into by an overgrown baby!

Point out to him that many a man would love to be treated purely as a sex object No don't. He will sob that you are objectifying him and taking advantage of his virginal innocence.

Keep things the way they suit yourself Shamoogren - if it gets too upsetting for you, and he nags at you about it, TBH, I would suggest a break from each other so that you can both have a good think about things.

Tears and other tools of emotional blackmail aren't attractive in a four-year old, let alone an adult.

JasperKarat Fri 22-Feb-19 13:47:08

Meh I wouldn't read too much into the bring looked after comments if you know his sense of humour, in the run up to our wedding I would make jokes to DH about looking forward to being a kept woman, quitting my job, presenting him with a martini and dinner on the table every evening, while I listen to his tales of stressed the feeble female mind cannot comprehend. He knows me and that I'm about as far from a fifties housewife as he'll find, that I earn more than he does and am ambitious. That's why it was funny.

I guess he thought you'd change your mind at some stage, when you were together longer and things were going well and it's hit him hard to know your relationship can't progress.

Dragongirl10 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:46:31

Maybe, I'm emotionally mature? And will always have a full life as I'm enough in myself. If I find a partner who is happy to share this, great. If not, great.

This^^^!

He is in his thirties?!? that is ridiculous behaviour....I thought he was going to be 18!

Don't doubt yourself op, you are doing great and it is really refreshing to hear someone prioritising their DCs stability and happiness.

Well done you, (and listen to those niggles)

littledoll33 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:46:20

@shamoogren

That sounds awful littledoll. It does highlight to me how shit housing can be for people, really make them feel desperate.

But using what he perceived to be an emotionally fragile woman (who had just had a breakdown of a long marriage,) to try and get his feet under the table in her home, was low. Pestering her to date him within DAYS of her announcing she and her DH had split, then lovebombing her, and then asking to move into her home that she owned, (within a month of their first date,) was incredibly manipulative and sly.

Luckily, she was not fragile and vulnerable, and told him to fuck off.

His housing situation was fine. He lived with 3 male friends in a shared house, with a long term tenancy. The house had been a rental for 20 years. He wasn't living in a cardboard box in a shop doorway or something. He was living in private let - like 20% of the country's population who rent. Approx 12-13 million people.

He just wanted to get into her home so he could have a servant to wait on him hand and foot, and cook and clean for him, and give him a shag whenever he wanted it. He would probably have tried to make a claim on her home too. She was well shot of him. Sorry to say this, but your man sounds the same as my friend's (ex) man.

As I said, RUN. This man sounds like a toxic manchild.

PutyourtoponTrevor Fri 22-Feb-19 13:45:51

I don't think OP is actually reading any of these replies. I would definitely be running for the hills, not for the crying but the comments about looking after...just weird.

littledoll33 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:45:50

Yeah I agree with pyong, I would only cry for an HOUR if someone died! confused

Dontcarewhatimdoing Fri 22-Feb-19 13:43:02

It sounds very much like he is a child, to your adult, when you talk of things like helping him be independent, and get his own place. He is a man in his 30's not a teenager. He should be perfectly capable of doing these things all by himself! You sound like you know your own mind, and have things sorted. Be wary of letting him spoil that.

PyongyangKipperbang Fri 22-Feb-19 13:41:35

Your set up is the only possible way I would consider seeing someone.

I am done with kids, have no intention of living with anyone ever again, or at least not until my youngest has left home and as she is 7, it isnt going to be any time soon. And I will never introduce them to my children.

I am very aware that this will drastically reduce my chances of meeting anyone but I am not prepared to compromise on that and neither should you.

Its ok to say "I want this, if you dont then I understand but I am not going to change my mind so if its a deal breaker then its best we split up".

And of course, he does sound incredibly immature and needy. Sounds like he wants a mum he can fuck to be perfectly frank!

CantStopMeNow Fri 22-Feb-19 13:36:48

I did do the freedom program... Have not been able to detect any unkind or controlling or aggressive red flags so far but they could be slow coming im aware...
Abuse comes in many forms OP and i doubt the Freedom Programme covers absolutely every angle and possibility.
The nature of abuse is so insidious that you usually only 'see' it when you're in it....unless it's really overt abusive tactics (which 'clever' abusers keep hidden until you're hooked).

Red flags -
He still lives at home despite earning enough to live independently
He chooses to prioritise expensive hobbies and lifestyle instead of living independently
He is ignorant and out of touch with reality if he believes that meme he shared - and who in their right mind thinks that's funny?
He chose to make manipulative 'jokey' comments so YOU are forced to take responsibility for this conversation instead of talking to you like an adult.
He hasn't shared ideas of how you can build a future together, or discussed his wants or needs - just 'hinted' at what he wants and left it to you to deal with
Crying for an hour is ridiculous in this context and most likely a manipulation tactic to make you feel guilty....i assume crying 'uncontrollably' always got him what he wanted from his parents (who sound like they mollycoddle him anyway)
He is emotionally and mentally nowhere near the same maturity level as you and his life experience to date is very far removed from yours

Have fun with him if he's good for that but don't tie up your mental and emotional energy into rescuing/saving him from himself.

lmusic87 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:34:18

I agree OP, you seem to have a good handle on him.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 13:33:08

It sounds like he needs to learn to live as an independent adult before he'll be ready to embark on a relationship on an equal footing with somebody who has your level of maturity and level-headedness.

I think this is the crux of the matter.... And by which point he will want kids and cohabiting... It all seems a bit doomed tbh

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 13:31:20

Sorry I have to go to work now if I don't respond for a while - thanks so much for all the helpful insight flowers

Inertia Fri 22-Feb-19 13:31:03

It sounds like he needs to learn to live as an independent adult before he'll be ready to embark on a relationship on an equal footing with somebody who has your level of maturity and level-headedness.

didofido Fri 22-Feb-19 13:30:56

"about lone female parents - 'its a pot noodle family.... Just add dad' "

That is absolutely sickening! And it's often a useless dad who has caused the situation. Then there's the implicit assumption that of course mothers wouldn't bother to cook a real meal unless there was a dad to feed!

I'd ditch him for that alone.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 13:29:49

Tomato.... Yes I'm certainly thinking about it. No point in dragging this out if this is the way it will go

user1486915549 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:28:54

Shamoogran.....no I meant his desire to be looked after and mummied sounded slightly kinky , not the crying 🙂

Purplecatshopaholic Fri 22-Feb-19 13:27:46

Carry on with the date nights if he is a good shag - otherwise ditch!

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 13:27:18

Thanks @Luckingfovely grin

tomatostottie Fri 22-Feb-19 13:27:04

My ex was 13 years younger than me and also prone to sobbing fits about nothing. He wanted a grown up relationship and living together and all the rest of it. No, he never wanted children. He had problems with his family etcetc. He loved his life with me etcetc.
Then he suddenly did want children and wanted his freedom. Two months later, no he didn't - wanted to be with me.
Never-ending story.
He was a manchild who had no idea what he wanted but an older woman taking responsibility off him was ideal (freeing up time for him to go out drinking with his mates etc).
Your bf sounds like this and he is older than my ex so should be more sorted. Being completely honest with you, I think you should end it - for your sake as well as his. He does not know what he wants. I bet in 5 years when he grows up he suddenly does want children and does off with some younger woman who can provide them.
And then there's the issue that you don't want to live with anyone until the children are 18 (how far away is that?). Fair enough - I totally understand that. But it means that you can't give him what he needs/wants -- ie. living together (and it sounds like him sponging off you - many a true word is spoken in jest...)
Believe me, he's going to end up draining the energy out of you and sucking the life and joy out if you stay with him. This is what happened to me - men like that are very needy.

NotMySquirrel Fri 22-Feb-19 13:26:51

Would they say the same about a woman crying for an hour?

Yes, yes I would. There's no need for it, really.

OP, if he was requesting privacy, were you at his house (in which case you really should have left) or was he at yours (in which case he should have pulled himself together enough to get home before wallowing for an hour)?

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