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My bf cried and I don't know what to think

(160 Posts)
Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:10:33

I'm 4 years separated from a very difficult/ abusive marriage. Lone parent to 2 dc. Met bf at a party around 8 months ago and we have got on really well since.

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children.

I have always told bf that if he wants kids (he is younger) I am not the woman for him as I absolutely do not want any more.

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially. Ive laughed it off but I thought I should really make it totally transparent that I am not available at all for cohabiting, blending or family life in any way, including financially. So I brought it up with him, nicely, explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour. I felt awful.
Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?
Im not sure I understand why he was so upset as I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with him, just that the relationship would need to continue as is. Help.

DishingOutDone Fri 22-Feb-19 12:27:48

Well either he wants you to "take care of him" in some way and that's why he chose someone older (and be under no illusion a lot of men want this) or he wants kids and a family.

Either way its a no from you. I'd let him go (or run away) now, before either of you get into it more deeply.

Fraula Fri 22-Feb-19 12:28:22

I think he's looking for an older woman to take the weight of his responsibilities. He wasn't joking when he said he wants you to take care of him. I'm SO glad you've been clear with him, and I don't think he's the one for you.

StreetwiseHercules Fri 22-Feb-19 12:28:48

“I honestly don't think he was being manipulative they were real, body shaking tears with lots of 'i love yous '”

No man should ever behave like that. It’s either pathetic or it’s fake. Either way it’s bad.

CountessConstance Fri 22-Feb-19 12:29:21

"Maybe I'm emotionally unavailable? And will have a lonely life."

Or, how about looking at it like this....

Maybe, I'm emotionally mature? And will always have a full life as I'm enough in myself. If I find a partner who is happy to share this, great. If not, great.

I think you've seen his true colours. Don't forget, an unsatisfactory partnership can be the loneliest place of all.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:30:37

Yes it's true. It is a no from me.

Is it selfish of me that what I really want from a relationship is low drama, low domesticity, low sharing of parenting and high in fun, good conversation and nights out?

Am I being naive and selfish to want this... Especially from someone younger who needs to be getting on with the next stage in their lives.

Margot33 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:31:45

I think it's good that you explained to him, that he won't be looked after by you! He sounds immature. He needs to get his own place to fully understand how to look after himself in the real world.

ILoveMaxiBondi Fri 22-Feb-19 12:32:04

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially.

I don’t understand how he has known you 8 months and yet was under the impression this was on the cards at all! Have you been giving him mixed messages? I just don’t get it. 8 months is long enough to know the person you’re dating and whether that’s the kind of thing they’d be receptive to.

FrenchJunebug Fri 22-Feb-19 12:32:34

Is it selfish of me that what I really want from a relationship is low drama, low domesticity, low sharing of parenting and high in fun, good conversation and nights out?

Absolutely not! I am a single mum and it is exactly what I want from a relationship.

ILoveMaxiBondi Fri 22-Feb-19 12:33:14

Btw OP I’m in the same situation as you and feel exactly the same. I don’t want a new daddy for my children and sharing home and finances. I just want to date someone I get along with.

user1486915549 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:34:59

Yuk. I would find that sort of behaviour deeply unattractive.
How could you possibly continue a relationship with such a baby man.
So odd it’s slightly kinky !
OP you could find someone who provides what you need , don’t get trapped into anything you don’t want by this emotional blackmail.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:35:12

Well I wonder if I have been giving him mixed messages. I don't think I have .. he has met my kids , as a friend, for a cinema trip once cause we had a free spare tick, seemed a shame to waste... Apart from that I have been very separate about everything....
I do think he should be able to cry if he feels like it. That was the first time he's done that in the time I've known him. I guess I'll see if he wants to talk about it more with me

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Fri 22-Feb-19 12:38:02

Well he does sound a bit odd. But I suppose most people go into relationships with the ultimate goal of living together and combining lives? He may have thought you were both starting cautiously but if things went well you would ultimately live as a unit. Maybe the weird 3rd kid thing was his way of saying he now wants that, but wouldn't be walking in thinking he's the alpha in the house?

Or maybe he has a mummy complex. Either way, I'm with you - no intention of moving any partner in. You might be doing him a favour encouraging him to find someone who is looking for the same thing as him.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:38:03

Kinky?! I'm very naive as I can't think of any kink that would find a man sobbing for an hour a turn on!

I don't think he is a man baby. I think he is naive and possibly not for me. But I do like him. Im relieved to see that other posters feel the same way about what they want from a relationship!

NotANotMan Fri 22-Feb-19 12:39:30

Am I being naive and selfish to want this...

How on Earth can you think you're being naive or selfish? What you are looking for in a relationship is equality, fun, respect and good boundaries. Don't settle for anything less!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 22-Feb-19 12:40:10

He sounds like a baby.

You sound like you're sorted. He just wants you to 'look after him'.

How unattractive.

Is it selfish of me that what I really want from a relationship is low drama, low domesticity, low sharing of parenting and high in fun, good conversation and nights out?

Absolutely not selfish and you shouldn't settle for anything less.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:40:44

I guess most people do want to fully integrate at some point.... And I just absolutely don't.

MiddleAgeRage Fri 22-Feb-19 12:41:43

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children

This is sound reasoning. If this is genuinely what you want for you at this point in time then stick to it.

You say you have been transparent about not wanting to co-habit and clearly he's not been listening so he's BU and you are not.

As they often say on MN - when somebody tells you who they are, listen and this ...

how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially

... is him tell you who he is and what he wants, even if you think he's just joking.

HennyPennyHorror Fri 22-Feb-19 12:42:04

He may well have been really upset because his dreams of being a kept man have been smashed.

He doesn't love you.

When you're in love, you want the best for someone and to help them...not to sponge off them.

HennyPennyHorror Fri 22-Feb-19 12:42:40

You keep talking about "fully integrating"

He doesn't want that.

He wants you to pay for him.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:42:51

Yes I absolutely am looking for fun, equality , respect and good boundaries! I feel like we could be seriously missing the equality and good boundaries bit

MiddleAgeRage Fri 22-Feb-19 12:42:58

So many typos in that sorry - I hope you get the gist.

Lightofday Fri 22-Feb-19 12:43:04

You definitely haven't being sending mixed messages if he has only met your kids once in that time and as your 'friend'.

I think I'd be a little creeped out OP. Something isn't right. And if it isn't manipulation, there's still something wrong with this guy. Young or not, most men aren't prone to hour long sobbing fits. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants from life and had hedged all his bets on being taken care of by you. And now that's all fallen apart.

Either way, I'd be dropping him to. What ever this relationship is, it doesn't look like either of you are going to get what you want from it.

melissasummerfield Fri 22-Feb-19 12:43:51

So he said he wanted you to look after him and for him to be your third child and when you said no he had an hour long tantrum shock

Absolutely no chance op , run!

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:46:03

Hmmm yes his life would seem easier if he just slid into this set up it's true ...
Hes mentioned this meme he's seen on FB a few times about lone female parents - 'its a pot noodle family.... Just add dad'
Which has made me shudder but again not sure why

poobumwee Fri 22-Feb-19 12:46:29

You are definitely not being unreasonable.
Very happy for you that you managed to leave your abusive marriage. Now you are quite rightly putting the needs of your kids and you first. you have been honest with this man.
good for you OP.

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