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My bf cried and I don't know what to think

(160 Posts)
Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:10:33

I'm 4 years separated from a very difficult/ abusive marriage. Lone parent to 2 dc. Met bf at a party around 8 months ago and we have got on really well since.

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children.

I have always told bf that if he wants kids (he is younger) I am not the woman for him as I absolutely do not want any more.

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially. Ive laughed it off but I thought I should really make it totally transparent that I am not available at all for cohabiting, blending or family life in any way, including financially. So I brought it up with him, nicely, explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour. I felt awful.
Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?
Im not sure I understand why he was so upset as I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with him, just that the relationship would need to continue as is. Help.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:11:31

Sorry , hints / jokes I don't think he was serious about the looking after or the finances

WhenISnappedAndFarted Fri 22-Feb-19 12:12:37

You're feeling bad because he said that he wants you to basically provide everything - he wants you to financially look after him and he wants to be a third kid - he wants you to do everything for him.

YANBU. Run.

WhenISnappedAndFarted Fri 22-Feb-19 12:13:11

Cross post.

Why don't you think he's being serious? Why would he just say that?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 22-Feb-19 12:14:10

That was an extreme reaction on his part. Not sure whether he was trying to guilt you, or he's just very needy?

bingoitsadingo Fri 22-Feb-19 12:14:48

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially.

Sounds like you've dodged a bullet there, tbh.
The beauty of children is that they grow up. Can't imagine anything worse than a man-child who doesn't want to!

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:14:49

To be fair on him, he has a job he works hard and he is very lovely to me , always pays his way

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:15:13

But yes I am wary of any cocklodger type thing

AllTheFours44 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:15:27

I bet he was deadly serious. From the wanting to be looked after, the desire to be treated as your third child and the prolonged crying (wtf?!); it all screams manchild.

Run for the hills, OP.

StreetwiseHercules Fri 22-Feb-19 12:16:10

“how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially.”

What a weirdo thing to say. And crying is just hysterics to try to make you do what he wants.

AlexaShutUp Fri 22-Feb-19 12:16:35

You have been open and honest about what you want. That might be upsetting for him in the short term, it's better for him in the long term to know where he stands so that he can make informed decisions about his future.

Whatsnewpussyhat Fri 22-Feb-19 12:16:42

How much younger?
He sounds emotionally immature, and all those 'jokey' hints would be a huge red flag for me.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:16:53

Well we've not broken up but I was astounded by his reaction... He said he has been 'imaginong what it could be like' and I think he liked it or felt relieved by it and I must have really shot that down?

HollowTalk Fri 22-Feb-19 12:16:56

Why would anyone say they wanted to be looked after financially if they didn't mean it?

Agree with others - run!

SexNotJenga Fri 22-Feb-19 12:17:02

You are reasonable.

Your bf is upset because you want different things, and you've made it clear that you won't cave on and go along with his wishes.

The hints he has made about you looking after him, including financially, would make me run a mile too.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 22-Feb-19 12:17:28

He sounds really manipulative.

As others have said ... run!

michaelbaubles Fri 22-Feb-19 12:17:39

There are men who are drawn to single mums because let's face it, you've got it all sorted out. A nice cosy home, financially sorted (not loaded but us single parents have to be on top of the finances), good routines etc. They think they could just slot right in, without having to do anything much (no having to house hunt, establish splitting bills and chores from scratch and so on) and reap all the benefits of your hard work setting all that up!

He's even said that's what he wants to your actual face! No wonder he cried when he felt his easy life was being taken away from him. Who wouldn't like the "full adult life + sexual relationship" package doled out on a plate??

But you're perfectly normal not to want to do it. I adore my DP and we're devoted to each other but we don't live together and I'm not bothered about it at all. I like my house with my DC how I like it. maybe we'll change down the line but right now, nah.

Clankboing Fri 22-Feb-19 12:17:43

He probably just simply loves you very much and your message was hard to hear.

SexNotJenga Fri 22-Feb-19 12:18:06

Cross Post with everyone

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:19:00

He is 10 years younger and I've always been totally honest about my age, my marital status and kids and not wanting more etc

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 22-Feb-19 12:21:59

how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially.

WTF!?!? That would have me running for the hills. Fast.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:22:08

Thanks so much for wise words. I honestly don't think he was being manipulative they were real, body shaking tears with lots of 'i love yous ' interspersed

Maybe I'm emotionally unavailable? And will have a lonely life.

Full adult set up does seem appealing to him. And yes I do have it all sorted , mainly, but with a shitton of hard work and I couldn't take any more of a domestic load on

PalmTree101 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:24:15

how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially

Does he want to wear a nappy and have you breast feed him too?

Get rid of him! Seriously.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:25:32

And if I'm being totally honest he is totally undomesticated, has no idea how much money/ time / effort is expended keeping things nice. Really what he needs to do is buy his own one bedroom place on one of the new developments round here which he could do on his salary.

CustardySergeant Fri 22-Feb-19 12:26:55

Why does he want you to be his 'mummy'? Hasn't he got a mother?

DishingOutDone Fri 22-Feb-19 12:27:48

Well either he wants you to "take care of him" in some way and that's why he chose someone older (and be under no illusion a lot of men want this) or he wants kids and a family.

Either way its a no from you. I'd let him go (or run away) now, before either of you get into it more deeply.

Fraula Fri 22-Feb-19 12:28:22

I think he's looking for an older woman to take the weight of his responsibilities. He wasn't joking when he said he wants you to take care of him. I'm SO glad you've been clear with him, and I don't think he's the one for you.

StreetwiseHercules Fri 22-Feb-19 12:28:48

“I honestly don't think he was being manipulative they were real, body shaking tears with lots of 'i love yous '”

No man should ever behave like that. It’s either pathetic or it’s fake. Either way it’s bad.

CountessConstance Fri 22-Feb-19 12:29:21

"Maybe I'm emotionally unavailable? And will have a lonely life."

Or, how about looking at it like this....

Maybe, I'm emotionally mature? And will always have a full life as I'm enough in myself. If I find a partner who is happy to share this, great. If not, great.

I think you've seen his true colours. Don't forget, an unsatisfactory partnership can be the loneliest place of all.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:30:37

Yes it's true. It is a no from me.

Is it selfish of me that what I really want from a relationship is low drama, low domesticity, low sharing of parenting and high in fun, good conversation and nights out?

Am I being naive and selfish to want this... Especially from someone younger who needs to be getting on with the next stage in their lives.

Margot33 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:31:45

I think it's good that you explained to him, that he won't be looked after by you! He sounds immature. He needs to get his own place to fully understand how to look after himself in the real world.

ILoveMaxiBondi Fri 22-Feb-19 12:32:04

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially.

I don’t understand how he has known you 8 months and yet was under the impression this was on the cards at all! Have you been giving him mixed messages? I just don’t get it. 8 months is long enough to know the person you’re dating and whether that’s the kind of thing they’d be receptive to.

FrenchJunebug Fri 22-Feb-19 12:32:34

Is it selfish of me that what I really want from a relationship is low drama, low domesticity, low sharing of parenting and high in fun, good conversation and nights out?

Absolutely not! I am a single mum and it is exactly what I want from a relationship.

ILoveMaxiBondi Fri 22-Feb-19 12:33:14

Btw OP I’m in the same situation as you and feel exactly the same. I don’t want a new daddy for my children and sharing home and finances. I just want to date someone I get along with.

user1486915549 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:34:59

Yuk. I would find that sort of behaviour deeply unattractive.
How could you possibly continue a relationship with such a baby man.
So odd it’s slightly kinky !
OP you could find someone who provides what you need , don’t get trapped into anything you don’t want by this emotional blackmail.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:35:12

Well I wonder if I have been giving him mixed messages. I don't think I have .. he has met my kids , as a friend, for a cinema trip once cause we had a free spare tick, seemed a shame to waste... Apart from that I have been very separate about everything....
I do think he should be able to cry if he feels like it. That was the first time he's done that in the time I've known him. I guess I'll see if he wants to talk about it more with me

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Fri 22-Feb-19 12:38:02

Well he does sound a bit odd. But I suppose most people go into relationships with the ultimate goal of living together and combining lives? He may have thought you were both starting cautiously but if things went well you would ultimately live as a unit. Maybe the weird 3rd kid thing was his way of saying he now wants that, but wouldn't be walking in thinking he's the alpha in the house?

Or maybe he has a mummy complex. Either way, I'm with you - no intention of moving any partner in. You might be doing him a favour encouraging him to find someone who is looking for the same thing as him.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:38:03

Kinky?! I'm very naive as I can't think of any kink that would find a man sobbing for an hour a turn on!

I don't think he is a man baby. I think he is naive and possibly not for me. But I do like him. Im relieved to see that other posters feel the same way about what they want from a relationship!

NotANotMan Fri 22-Feb-19 12:39:30

Am I being naive and selfish to want this...

How on Earth can you think you're being naive or selfish? What you are looking for in a relationship is equality, fun, respect and good boundaries. Don't settle for anything less!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 22-Feb-19 12:40:10

He sounds like a baby.

You sound like you're sorted. He just wants you to 'look after him'.

How unattractive.

Is it selfish of me that what I really want from a relationship is low drama, low domesticity, low sharing of parenting and high in fun, good conversation and nights out?

Absolutely not selfish and you shouldn't settle for anything less.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:40:44

I guess most people do want to fully integrate at some point.... And I just absolutely don't.

MiddleAgeRage Fri 22-Feb-19 12:41:43

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children

This is sound reasoning. If this is genuinely what you want for you at this point in time then stick to it.

You say you have been transparent about not wanting to co-habit and clearly he's not been listening so he's BU and you are not.

As they often say on MN - when somebody tells you who they are, listen and this ...

how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially

... is him tell you who he is and what he wants, even if you think he's just joking.

HennyPennyHorror Fri 22-Feb-19 12:42:04

He may well have been really upset because his dreams of being a kept man have been smashed.

He doesn't love you.

When you're in love, you want the best for someone and to help them...not to sponge off them.

HennyPennyHorror Fri 22-Feb-19 12:42:40

You keep talking about "fully integrating"

He doesn't want that.

He wants you to pay for him.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:42:51

Yes I absolutely am looking for fun, equality , respect and good boundaries! I feel like we could be seriously missing the equality and good boundaries bit

MiddleAgeRage Fri 22-Feb-19 12:42:58

So many typos in that sorry - I hope you get the gist.

Lightofday Fri 22-Feb-19 12:43:04

You definitely haven't being sending mixed messages if he has only met your kids once in that time and as your 'friend'.

I think I'd be a little creeped out OP. Something isn't right. And if it isn't manipulation, there's still something wrong with this guy. Young or not, most men aren't prone to hour long sobbing fits. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants from life and had hedged all his bets on being taken care of by you. And now that's all fallen apart.

Either way, I'd be dropping him to. What ever this relationship is, it doesn't look like either of you are going to get what you want from it.

melissasummerfield Fri 22-Feb-19 12:43:51

So he said he wanted you to look after him and for him to be your third child and when you said no he had an hour long tantrum shock

Absolutely no chance op , run!

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:46:03

Hmmm yes his life would seem easier if he just slid into this set up it's true ...
Hes mentioned this meme he's seen on FB a few times about lone female parents - 'its a pot noodle family.... Just add dad'
Which has made me shudder but again not sure why

poobumwee Fri 22-Feb-19 12:46:29

You are definitely not being unreasonable.
Very happy for you that you managed to leave your abusive marriage. Now you are quite rightly putting the needs of your kids and you first. you have been honest with this man.
good for you OP.

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub Fri 22-Feb-19 12:47:19

Sham Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he listened to what you have been saying all along but thought you may just change your mind. When you said this to him, it would have been like pulling the rug from under him, instant grief for what could have been?

You did absolutely the right thing, and must reinforce this from time to time if you both carry on together. There is absolutely nothing at all wrong in wanting what you have got now with him, nothing wrong at all.

The ball is in his court now, your cards have always been out on the table, it's up to him if he wants what's on offer.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:47:21

He cried for an HOUR? Run for your life.

Lightofday Fri 22-Feb-19 12:47:50

Because it was obviously directed at you maybe lol. I'd shudder too.

Littleraindrop15 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:48:01

I think he is looking for a more typical relationship set up. Which I don't think you can give him...think there will be more sobbing to this if you don't nip it in the bud. He clearly wants to be cohabiting and taking the relationship further where as you don't which is fine but also makes you two uncompatible. Think long-term there will be a lot of resentment that may set in so might be a good idea to call it off. X

PookieDo Fri 22-Feb-19 12:48:09

I’m in a similar position to you and I also ended things with a man who kept dropping weird hints like this.

He took one look at how together I have it and assumed I would want to share that with him. I felt it was very selfish and unequal expectations - it was not a realistic possibility but he was clearly fantasising over it. It made perfect sense for him and none for me. And that’s exactly why it’s a no go!

TowelNumber42 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:48:17

An hour of gut wrenching sobbing in front of you after only eight months when you've always said it was a never cohabiting relationship? He doesn't even know your children and daily life. You can't even have spent that much time with him given that you are a single parent and you are keeping the two lives apart (v sensible). He is Weirdy McWeird-Face.

Loads of men would love the ideal relationship you describe.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:48:24

I think I'd be a little creeped out OP. Something isn't right. And if it isn't manipulation, there's still something wrong with this guy. Young or not, most men aren't prone to hour long sobbing fits.

Is this the general view... That something is not right because of this? Is it very rare? First bf since marriage and exh cried quite frequently

Purplecatshopaholic Fri 22-Feb-19 12:49:33

He wants to be your third kid, and taken care of financially?? GET OUT NOW!

SilverDoe Fri 22-Feb-19 12:50:21

Hmmm.

On the one hand, it’s very hard to be in love with someone, especially in the early stages, and have to accept that you don’t have a future together in that you won’t be moving in together, getting married etc.

However, this is very sexist as I have been in his position when young (tears over worrying about future incompatibility based on circumstances rather than feelings) but his reaction is kind of very off putting to me.

Also the comments are creepy af to me, but that could vary depending on your own sense of humour and context.

I’d ditch him tbh he sounds like he’s going to make things complicated for you.

Singlenotsingle Fri 22-Feb-19 12:50:41

At least he's shown his hand. You know what he wants...have you explained to him that you've got enough on your plate thank you very much, and you don't want any more kids to look after? And yes, he needs a one bed place of his own.

Eliza9917 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:51:10

Where does he live now? Does he live with his mum?

Stayawayfromitsmouth Fri 22-Feb-19 12:51:50

The crying would put me right off. Not very sexy or manly is it? I'm sure the other stuff was just a joke but you are doing the right thing.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:52:30

No he doesn't know children and daily life at all.
Never been here when they are here.
Only date nights.

burritofan Fri 22-Feb-19 12:53:40

He's an oddball. "Hinting" at moving in is immature and passagg – if he wants to do something mature such as moving in with a single parent (or anyone!), he should have brought up the subject directly: as you did! His approach and his batshit reaction tell you everything you need to know.

His tears & tantrum were either intentionally manipulative, in which case: run. Or he's THAT incapable of an adult relationship. In which case: run!

SilverDoe Fri 22-Feb-19 12:53:51

I’ve been with my DP 6 years and I’ve seen him cry twice, both times when our children were born.

Crying can be a manipulative tactic. However it can also not be at all - I’m a crier I’m just sensitive and most emotions make me cry.

I have to say I’d be a bit weirded out if my partner cried all the time

SirVixofVixHall Fri 22-Feb-19 12:53:58

How old is he op ? Because this behaviour does sound immature, so would read differently depending on his age.

Jackshouse Fri 22-Feb-19 12:54:07

Very odd. I was expecting you to say he loves you but wants children and is very torn not that he wants you to be HIS mummy.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:54:29

Yes with his mum... Who does all the cooking, shopping and laundry... He is early 30s....

Lightofday Fri 22-Feb-19 12:55:58

Yeah but exh was abusive right? Very common for NPD and borderline pd sorts to cry as a manipulation so wouldn't be surprised if an abusive ex cried a lot.

But not normal for someone you've been dating who youve clearly kept at arms length (away from your family) to have some sort of mental breakdown when you reiterate that that's what you want. Definitely odd. Have there been any other emotional outbursts during that 8 months?

ChuckleBuckles Fri 22-Feb-19 12:56:06

First off OP you rock, four years out of an abusive marriage and you are living life on your own terms, know what you want and have firm boundaries in place. You have been clear to this man from the beginning about what you want so do not doubt yourself.

Can I ask where is he living right now, at home with parents or in flat share type set up? The answer to that will give you insight to his eagerness to join your home set-up. Is he seeing you as a way to live a more "grown-up" way without the hard graft of getting that for himself?

As for the pot noodle family comment that would set my teeth on edge, there is a presumption there that you would be only too thrilled to "add him as dad" and that implies that you are not capable on your own, which is clearly a lie, as I say as the start, you rock OP.

FriarTuck Fri 22-Feb-19 12:57:04

He probably just simply loves you very much and your message was hard to hear.
This ^^. And a £ says it was nowhere near an hour of crying but a few minutes of being snuffly after a minute or so of crying.
Why are men not allowed to cry if they're emotional? Sounds a bit sexist to me.

TowelNumber42 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:58:18

For me it is the big sobbing crying in front of you for a prolonged time that is bizarre. Not normal. Of course men cry. Of course men cry when disappointed in love.

Most humans take themselves off to bed and cry their hearts out.

He didn't go off alone to lick his wounds. He engaged in performance crying. Performance crying is unusual and manipulative.

During that performance how much effort did he put into finding out what you want from life? You know, deeply understanding where you are coming from so he, as a person who loves you, can decide whether your needs are compatible.

At worst he sounds a manipulative wanna-be cocklodger. At best he sounds selfish and immature.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 12:58:32

Id like to think that some kind of fantasy future came crashing down for him.... He certainly does not seem to understand finances or living costs (owns three very expensive pieces of kit for a very pricey niche hobby) which is all very well if he is nothing to do with me or my finances I can just say oh yeah, fab did you have a good time.... But I know the money he spends is at the expense of saving / paying proper rent and bills

roundturnandtwohalfhitches Fri 22-Feb-19 12:59:11

I think the replies on this thread are really odd OP. The idea that a man shouldn't cry because he's a man and its not manly or sexy is weird and totally totally wrong.
Maybe he really loves you and maybe what you're telling him is that he will never be a complete part of your life and maybe that has really upset him. I understand why you'd want what you want - same with me- but it is relegating a future partner to a bit part in your life. You should find someone who also wants that- it doesn't sound like this man does probably because he's younger.

TowelNumber42 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:59:25

He wanted a mummy.

DesertSky Fri 22-Feb-19 12:59:57

OP you both want different things. You don’t need a man to validate you. You’ve already said you’re happy in life. If I were you I’d continue on my own and concentrate on the kids. Tbh men are more hassle than they’re worth grin

Bambamber Fri 22-Feb-19 13:00:09

Stop thinking that something you are doing or thinking is wrong.

The guy sounds like a complete oddball, a man child. I would bet that if you moved in together it wouldn't take long for him to lose his job and he would be totally dependent on you.

A man that lives with his mum at 30 and she still looks after him? Hell no that's not normal, that s not attractive and he sounds like a liability.

Ellie56 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:00:47

'its a pot noodle family.... Just add dad' hmm

And he cried for a whole hour? hmm

I don't know what to think either.

But you are not being unreasonable in wanting to keep your life with your children separate, and not want anyone else moving in.

NotMySquirrel Fri 22-Feb-19 13:01:14

Hour-long crying fits are a bit much at any age and any sex, in my book, unless under age five or in response to bereavement.

Lightofday Fri 22-Feb-19 13:01:33

Agree towelnumber42 its not the fact that he got upset, men can do that and it is normal but the hour long performance cry...definitely not normal.

HollowTalk Fri 22-Feb-19 13:02:15

I would be really put off by him, but I suppose looking at it from his POV you are saying that you're not going to marry him or live with him. He may well wonder what the point of the relationship is. He's younger and obviously hoped to have a traditional relationship.

You would be better off going for someone in a similar position as you, I think, who doesn't want to combine families or share households.

NotMySquirrel Fri 22-Feb-19 13:02:27

Also, pot-noodle families? A tad offensive. Water is essential to pot noodles. Your family sounds like it's complete and doing well without a man under your roof.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 13:03:01

Thanks chuckles that is really nice to hear. It has been hard but the DC are settled and that's my priority.
I promise it was an hour. Of lying sideways in the spare room bed, requests for privacy and then me coaxing him to have a cuddle and a cup of tea . It was full on.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 13:04:58

But not performance crying. And I certainly think it's ok and healthy for men to cry

Lightofday Fri 22-Feb-19 13:05:17

Lol full on cray cray crazy you mean xD yup, run for the hills!

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 13:06:04

It was as though he had loads of thoughts and fears that suddenly completely overwhelmed him.

PBo83 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:06:16

To me it sounds like he obviously really liked you.

Like you say, you've had a great 8 months together and he's probably been considering a long-term future with you. He's found out that you visions of the future aren't the same and he's upset.

This isn't your fault but it's perfectly understandable that he'd be upset when he realises that your relationship may not have a future.

micromanager1 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:06:59

I don't think he's necessarily a creep. Making jokes about that kind of thing is probably a coping mechanism, or trying to make light of situation. I don't think he was seriously implying that you should take financial responsibility for him - more that he feels uncomfortable about the topic and was being comedic in the hope that you'd take the hint that he'd like to be more involved in future.

If you don't want that then you've done the right thing. Sounds perfectly fair and YANBU to want to parent your children without bringing a potential step-parent in. I think you're likely especially wary (justifiably) because it's only 8 months in!

His tears are probably sadness that your relationship is not able to progress at the speed he would like. Might be worth coming back to the topic with him and explaining carefully why 'pot noodle' comment highlights how different your expectations of relationship are.

TowelNumber42 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:07:08

Did you do the Freedom Programme after your abusive relationship?

AlwaysCheddar Fri 22-Feb-19 13:07:23

What a weirdo! He wants to be your third kid?? So essentially another mum but will shag you. And be paid for. What a dick. Run... run... RUN!!!!

TheInvestigator Fri 22-Feb-19 13:07:25

He wanted to move out from his mum’s and into yours, and he wanted to keep spending his money the way he currently does whilst you covered the living expenses, bills, food etc. He told you what he wanted; someone who will look after him and support him financially so that he can carry on being a child.

You need to cut him lose.

Cla9 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:08:13

Nothing wrong with men crying so that wouldn’t alarm me. The fact he wants to be your “third child” and taken care of financially? I’d run.

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 13:08:58

These run for the hills comments are making me chuckle

I think he's been coddled by his parents because of childhood health problems tbh. From what I can gather these were relatively serious and they have always called him 'a miricle baby' I think he's likely a bit slow off the mark in terms of confidence, financial reality and motivation, but I think he would get there, he's just not there yet

TowelNumber42 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:09:11

Why do you think he ignored all your previous statements about what you want from a relationship? It's not like this was new news.

FriarTuck Fri 22-Feb-19 13:09:12

Of lying sideways in the spare room bed, requests for privacy and then me coaxing him to have a cuddle and a cup of tea . It was full on.
Bit of a drip feed! He was trying to fall apart in private and you wouldn't let him but you paint him as having a drama queen hour in public.... hmm

pictish Fri 22-Feb-19 13:10:01

So do I OP and honestly I find some of the replies here about him crying totally shitty. Would they say the same about a woman crying for an hour? Of course not. Sexist gits with narrow minds.
Of course it’s ok and healthy for men to cry when they are hurt and disappointed. They are no different to us. I cry and so can they.

It’s a shame his hopes for the future have been dashed...but yanbu.

PBo83 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:10:26

Of lying sideways in the spare room bed, requests for privacy

I think an hour of privacy to get over the possible end of a good relationship is perfectly reasonable. If he's asked for privacy then he obviously isn't crying for effect or manipulate you, rather that he's just upset.

When my first true love broke up with me, I was a bit of a mess for weeks and would cry randomly. I'm not ashamed of it, emotional grief can be incredibly painful.

TheInvestigator Fri 22-Feb-19 13:11:41

*loose not lose!!
Can’t believe I made that typo!

Shamoogren Fri 22-Feb-19 13:12:11

I honestly don't think he's an oddball. Just living life and trying to enjoy it with what he has, trying to do his best.
Whether we want the same things or if he is the right person for me is another matter...

I did do the freedom program... Have not been able to detect any unkind or controlling or aggressive red flags so far but they could be slow coming im aware...

RedPanda2 Fri 22-Feb-19 13:13:06

Honestly he wants to go from one mummy to another. I know a woman that attracts these types and she ends up doing everything for them. You want an equal partnership and you sound sorted and why should you settle for anything less????

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