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Can anyone help regarding bullying policy at uni?

(187 Posts)
helena65 Fri 22-Feb-19 08:13:31

Is it normal procedure to called for a mediation meeting after accusations of bullying? I honestly have no idea so if if anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.
My daughter 18 has been bullied and harrased for months by 2 boys/grown men in her flat in uni student halls. She is in a flat with 3 boys and just her ..no girls. The third boy joins in with the online bullying but is friendly at times to DDS face.
The other two..post on FB that they have jizzed in the kettle and microwave for revenge on s flatmate.. they glare and laugh at her every day.. they put rubbish from the bins in her food cupboard. They put dirty dishes in her cupboard..they shouted at her constantly on snap chat to which she never replied..she has now blocked them..one boy told her he was going to make her life hell till she wanted to drop out of uni.
She hasn't spoked a word to either boy since Xmas..just kept her head down and hoped it would stop. It didn't..it's escalating.
For background..she has ibs and anxiety and her ibs has flared up with all this stress..she has missed some lectures and at one point had to come home for a week as she couldn't stop crying and going loo.
One boy is the ring leader he has decided that DD must take the bins on a certain day even though she doesn't use the kitchen and has her own bin for any rubbish. He ties up all the bin bags on HER day as he sees it and leaves them in the kitchen..not allowing either of the other boys to take them for days..till it stinks in there and someone snaps and takes them.
DD finnally went to the deanery team to make a complain ..she got it all out and they took a statement..the woman was wonderful and very sympathetic to her situation..saying she does not have tolive this way. They took statement from the other boys too and an investigation is under way.
DD has sentproof including photos..Snapchat messages..etc.
She made it clear to the deanery team she can't be in an interview with the boys..she needed it tobe alone. She has now received an email saying the accommodation team has decided a mediation meeting for all flatmates to discuss their issues is planned for next week!
DD is now beside herself that the she has to sit across the table from the boys who have been bullying her for months whilst they simply talk it out!!
Right now she can't sleep or leave her room..her ibs will definitely not allowing her to attend that meeting...nerves and stress are massive triggers for flare ups..she also doesn't want them to see her cry and she knows she would.

Can anyone help with how she should reply to this? Has it been a waste of time going to the deanery? Since the boys gave their statement the behavior has gotten worse.. putting rubbish from the bin in her cupboard happened after their meeting..so she knows they are not bothered ir worried by the investigation.

JazzyBBG Fri 22-Feb-19 08:20:41

I would think mediation would be fairly standard but can they not just offer her another room?
I had a similar situation in my final year at uni thankfully this was before the onset of social media and the perpetrator in my case would not engage in any mediation as he didn't think he was in the wrong. I just moved out. I hope she is ok.

Finfintytint Fri 22-Feb-19 08:21:24

Your poor daughter. This is being badly managed and has gone beyond any mediation. Insist she is rehoused.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Fri 22-Feb-19 08:23:14

Could she go to student welfare and/or a GP about the stress she's under and they could then advocate for her not to have to meet with them?

If it was an abusive boyfriend it wouldn't be good for her to go to mediation.
The dynamics are similar with bullying surely?

helena65 Fri 22-Feb-19 08:26:18

Thanks. She has told the deanery she doesn't want to have to move as that is what they told her they want. She doesn't want to be the girl who had yo leave. Plus she is in the only accommodation with en suites and she has to have that with her ibs. I think she hoped the boys would be told to stop and she could just get on with her life quietly. She keeps saying thatsll she wants..to live in peace. But iam notso sure these boys will do that even if told by the deanery.

helena65 Fri 22-Feb-19 08:30:31

Thanks super loud..that's what I thought too. She has asked to be referred to student counceling..but it won't be in time to get out of this meeting..she simply won't physically be able to go anyway..it was hard enough getting her out of the door to the meeting that was alone.

Parthenope Fri 22-Feb-19 08:30:42

She should contact her SU welfare officer, and also see her personal tutor, especially if this has affected her attendance and may mean she's behind on assignments or likely to have to request an extension.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Fri 22-Feb-19 08:32:44

Poor her.
She's not being realistic at all.
They won't stop.

There's nothing wrong with leaving a living situation that doesn't work for you - there's no shame in it.

But I hope she's able to prove what they are doing as it's horrendous and they should be pulled up on it.

Berthatydfil Fri 22-Feb-19 08:33:35

She needs to go to her gp and student welfare. Her gp should be asked to write to the deanery to inform them of tjebaffect this is having on her health. Are any of her conditions dda?
She needs to make sure the mediators know about her medical condition and her accommodation needs.
Mediation can still take place without being in the same room.

Berthatydfil Fri 22-Feb-19 08:34:13

The effect

helena65 Fri 22-Feb-19 08:36:52

Also..she is now worried they don't believe her or think what is happening is that bad. She is worried what the boys have said in their meeting. The third boy who joins in sometimes is actually president of a student association and has a stance on anti bullying. He posts on FB how everyone should look out for their flatmates and check on them if they seem lonely or withdrawn!!! The irony!! Then he comes home and laughs in the kitchen with the other boys.. coughing manically when she comes in .and commenting on her f ING ugly PJ's under his breath..whilst she goes and cries in her room!
She worries he will be taken more seriously in his statement that nothing is wrong.

PatchworkElmer Fri 22-Feb-19 08:40:24

Could you look into private rented accommodation with en-suites? She really needs to move. I had to do so in my first year, so I’m not saying this lightly.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Fri 22-Feb-19 08:41:16

I would hope the uni would take it seriously.

I was part of a group who ensured something was done about a v nasty office bearer of a student society. If anything his position meant they took it more seriously. It helped to have witnesses and evidence though. Screenshots, recordings, testimony.

Kittykat93 Fri 22-Feb-19 08:47:32

God that sounds horrendous, it's hard to think fully grown adults can behave in this way. I think she should go to the gp and ask for them to contact the university recommending she is moved to another flat immediately. Not sure if this can be done but I'd try.

reallybadidea Fri 22-Feb-19 08:48:10

This sounds absolutely horrendous. Those boys should be subject to disciplinary action. Has your daughter been back to the woman she saw at the deanery team to ask why they want to try mediation and explain just how distressing this is to her? I would guess that the mediation is part of their policy on dealing with bullying - it often is. I very much doubt that they don't believe her, they're just following procedure. However, this sounds like very serious levels of bullying and harassment and I agree that it's not appropriate to make her attend mediation with them.

helena65 Fri 22-Feb-19 08:50:47

She is adamant that she won't move. I loved where her halls are located and says she won't let them ruin that for her too. She says if anyone should move it is ringleader boy. I don't know how usual it is for unis to do that though,?
I think pyscologically it is important to her to stand up and win against the bullies. And moving she doesn't think is achieving this.

Parthenope Fri 22-Feb-19 08:51:41

I think she also needs to adjust her priorities -- this is affecting her health and her studies, so moving to a new flat should be a priority, as, whatever happens at the meeting, this flat is not magically going to become a pleasant place to live.

She needs to stop seeing this outcome as a victory for the bullies, and hope that they're going to climb down, apologise, and reform -- because that really isn't realistic. They are bullies, none of this is her fault, and she should not have to be the one who moves, but it's the only step which is likely to be within her immediate grasp which guarantees her a less stressful living environment which will allow her IBS to improve and her to go back to engaging with her work.

helena65 Fri 22-Feb-19 08:52:01

Sorry that should read she loves

BloodyBosch Fri 22-Feb-19 08:53:37

Depending on what she has proof of, she could tell the university that she doesn't feel mediation is appropriate due to their abusive behaviour, and is prepared to report it to the police if the uni cannot / will not resolve it. The police are taking online bullying seriously now.
Definitely see a gp regarding the impact on her physical and mental health.

Parthenope Fri 22-Feb-19 08:54:20

X-posted with you, cabbage. I think she needs to decide whether it's more important to be vindicated or to live in a stress-free environment which will allow her to recover.

helena65 Fri 22-Feb-19 08:54:32

Parthenope..I agree..but she won't listen..she actually cries when I suggest she moves..she has friends in the building that it took her a long time to find and she won't leave. There are no other spare rooms in that building unfortunately.

reallybadidea Fri 22-Feb-19 08:55:06

Having thought about it a bit more, if you can afford to throw some money at it, I would consider getting some legal advice. There are firms that deal with bullying in schools and I would have a ring round and see if you can find one with experience in universities. They should be kicked out of the university of they don't stop IMHO.

legolimb Fri 22-Feb-19 08:58:05

Sounds horrendous for your DD.

I don't see that getting the ringleader boy to move out will make things better though. The other/s will likely resent her for that and she still won't feel comfortable in her home.

There isn't long until the end of the year - May/June? Then she will be looking for new accommodation anyway won't she?

If it were my DD i would encourage her to take an alternative flat for the remaining weeks of this uni term. Let the University deal with the bullies.

Cyberworrier Fri 22-Feb-19 09:00:22

I can understand why she feels they should have to move, as they are in the wrong not her, but logisticallly it will be much easier for the university to find one person new accommodation rather than three. If just the ringleader was moved, what is to say the other two won’t resent the fact and continue to make her life hell? The other one may even still visit which would be very unpleasant for your daughter even if he was careful to ‘do nothing wrong’. I imagine she would still be living on the edge being in that flat at all, where she has experienced traumatic events, with two of the bullies. A fresh start with new flat mates would be much better for her mental and physical health.
I think she (and you) should try to work with the uni to sort this out by finding her new accommodation and by trying to get the uni to give a disciplinary/warning to the three boys, particularly the one who is student president.

viques Fri 22-Feb-19 09:01:50

There maybe no vacant rooms in the accommodation block, but is there any chance of finding someone who would do a swap? I know it is a long shot, but she needs to explore every possibility. You say she has friends in the block, can they ask around on her behalf, they might find someone.

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