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to ask you who loves you?

(162 Posts)
Dohee Fri 22-Feb-19 04:54:02

My dc 100% Well 99% I think.

My parents about 90% each

Nobody else lol.

picklemepopcorn Sat 23-Feb-19 07:45:05

Dohee, at Midnight you said that you realised when you talk to yourself you are not very kind to yourself! Looking after you is really important. I learned after feeling that DH didn't really look after me that actually that was my job. I had to learn to be nice to myself, not rely on him to make me feel good.

Namestheyareachangin Sat 23-Feb-19 07:41:58

I think for me my answer wouldn't answer your question, which seems to be more "who can you turn to and rely on?"

I have a few people who I believe love me as best as they're able, but I've been raised and trained to expect and ask nothing of people and to accept versions of love in which mutual support just doesn't exist.

My DSIS and DF are the key people I'm talking about. I know they love me, and they would both say I could ask them for anything, and in practical terms (mainly money, some logistics, but they'd prefer to contribute money to help pay for the logistics) I know I could. But real, emotional, I feel your pain and I'm here for you emotionally support - they just can't. They can't either give or receive that. They just don't know how. Classically I have ended up for a man very like my father - emotionally illiterate, very clever, very hardworking, will do anything practical for you to sort out problems but would rather be dragged over hot coals than talk about feelings, mine or his. It's not the worst thing a man can be I suppose (some of the lazy mean abusive arseholes I read about on MN have made me realise that) but for an empath and emotional incontinent like me it makes for a very lonely life.

My DM I know loved me in a powerful dramatic way. But I also know that she had an idea of the person I was in her mind (basically an idealised younger version of herself) and when I evolved and changed and stopped validating all her self-destructive, selfish behaviour she cut me out (until she realised she still needed access to my financial support). But for years, when I was who she wanted me to be, we had a very close, almost romantic love between us, she let me in and allowed me to support her, relied on me, and now she is dead and I don't have that with anybody else I feel bereft.

My DStepmum is different and I'm lucky to have her. She is emotionally articulate, practical, occasionally wise, and would do anything for anyone. She's not perfect, who is, but I love her for being "normal" and sensible and for loving me (in a warm, brisk, wholesome way) when she has no obligation to whatsoever. Until I wrote this down o don't think I realised how much I appreciate her.

I ought to love my D-half-B and I do, sort of, but... We barely know each other. He's 9 years younger than me and had a totally different family environment, we don't have any shared frame of reference and he's a young man busy with his own life. But there's a good base of good feeling on both sides that I hope one day when our lives are more aligned we will build into love. We always get on like a house on fire when we do meet. But I'd no more turn to him for help than I'd turn to an acquaintance at work.

But my true love, my utter passion, the love that made me review all my other loves and reluctantly downgrade them by comparison, The Real Thing is my DD. She is EVERYTHING to me and I'd die for her without question. No-one else in the world is as beautiful, funny, clever or worthy in my eyes. It's all biology I know but nonetheless. I didn't realise before becoming a parent that love could be so huge and straightforward. How she feels for me I think now is love (she's 2). If I can hold onto her love in some form of think I'll always be happy. But I want her to have a sibling, because this love of mine is too huge for one person and I never want her to feel smothered or obliged.

Blackcherrylatte Sat 23-Feb-19 07:07:47

No parents.
My uncle and auntie love me.
One cousin.
My kids.
One friend. My only friend!

ToeToToe Sat 23-Feb-19 02:53:57

Yes to pp "whatever love means..."

My dh demonstrates that he loves me all the time, my dc clearly love me and depend on me, my mum, my dad - one of the last things he told me before he died was that he loved me.

My sisters and my brother. I think I would count on about 3 friends to genuinely love me. I think a few of the in-laws probably like/love me. My Aunt loves me.

The dog is the most demonstrative of absolute, unconditional love for me - my dog adores me, lives for me, pines for me if I go in a different room from him. Crazy dog.

Surfingtheweb Sat 23-Feb-19 02:39:34

My daughters, brother & sister in law 100%

vodkaredbullgirl Sat 23-Feb-19 02:18:48

The dog, he is the only one who listens to me lol

mokapot Sat 23-Feb-19 02:14:14

Ask not who loves you but who can you love.
I guess the love is in loving and not expecting to being loved back....

Actually chocolate can love back

SlipperOrchid Sat 23-Feb-19 00:13:48

My children.

Not DH.
Not my remaining parent.
Not my sibling (s).

And in return I dearly loved one sibling and we had a falling out years ago that we never discussed and are now non contact. I loved my father in a duty bound way but he shows no interest in me or my children. I care for DH but I don't love him the way I should Our personalities clash and I feel stressed around him. I love my children entirely.

YouBumder Sat 23-Feb-19 00:09:59

My children, my husband, my parents and my sister. I hope!

Totorosfluffytummy Sat 23-Feb-19 00:07:20

My kids
My dog

((((HUGE GAP)))))

My parents
My younger brother

(((Big gap)))

My older brother

Dohee Sat 23-Feb-19 00:02:49

To me love is when you feel pained when someone you love is hurting. I guess acquaintances etc., I'd try to do the right thing if they were ill or something, but I wouldn't necessarily feel anything.

Raspberries, yes, chuntering away to myself sometimes too! It's strange when you find yourself alone and realise when you say something out loud, the 'self-talk' your brain engages in! I've realised in some of these exchanges with myself that I'm not very nice to myself! shock And to think that that is going on constantly in your brain is a bit awe inspiring.

Didyeeaye Fri 22-Feb-19 23:59:11

My DS, cat, two best friends, two sisters, three nieces and two nephews definitely love me. I guess my mum does in her own way. I've also got a few other close friends and two aunties who I believe care deeply for me.

HanddivedRaspberries Fri 22-Feb-19 23:57:37

Yes yes, the creaky voice!

I chunter away to myself now, so it's not as bad as it was. Although the habit does make the rare occasions when I'm in company a bit perilous.shockgrin

AbsentmindedWoman Fri 22-Feb-19 23:53:02

What does love mean, though?

I don't think there is a universal definition of love, so what one person describes as a good friendship with no love, but mutual care for the well being of the other, in addition to the fun side of friendship - that to me is a kind of love.

Dohee Fri 22-Feb-19 23:52:06

Raspberries. I spoke on the phone for the first time in about 4 days yesterday only to realise I was hoarse! So I get you in that respect! Dc are away, so it's little old me rattling around the place. Haven't even the postman to talk to. Shop across the road, I never speak. They don't chat either. It's funny when you haven't actually opened your mouth for a while lol.

HanddivedRaspberries Fri 22-Feb-19 23:40:22

Ha! I'm so totally not a glass half full person. I know full well I'm a carping, ungrateful, misery guts.grin

But thank you. It helped to say it somewhere. And helps so much more that you replied.thanks

Life is what you make it, so I'd best get over my pityfest and get on and make ir.

U2HasTheEdge Fri 22-Feb-19 23:40:19

My mum
My sister and brother
One of my half sisters might love me
My husband
My 5 children
Two aunties
A couple of my mum's friends who have known me since I was little- I think
My dogs
As for friends- I would say 3 or 4. Not too sure about the 4th one now a days.

ssd Fri 22-Feb-19 23:39:44

Dh and the ds x 2
Hopefully my friends

Mum and dad did but they are both gone, hopefully they'll be loving me from heaven
Siblings who the hell knows I sure don't love them

watsmyname Fri 22-Feb-19 23:39:26

Not very many I believe. My 2 dc and dh. Everyone can take me or leave me 🤷‍♀️

Stormypaige Fri 22-Feb-19 23:36:57


givemesteel Fri 22-Feb-19 23:36:17

Similar response to everyone else - dc, dh, parents, sister, cats (ish).

I have great friends but I don't love them and don't expect them to love me. But I've maybe 3 or 4 who I think I could count on if the chips were down.

I am lucky to still have my parents but losing them one day scares the shit out of me. My sister is quite significantly disabled so whilst I know she loves me I will be the one looking after her.

I guess it's just one day it will just be dh as the adult I can count who loves me and I can rely on, but that is never 100% certain to always be the case.

Blessthekids Fri 22-Feb-19 23:34:11

@HanddivedRaspberries flowers I admire your glass half full attitude. You exist flowers

BrizzleMint Fri 22-Feb-19 23:33:00

My children - I hope.

lastqueenofscotland Fri 22-Feb-19 23:32:58

DP, My mum (my father is dead but I know he did), I think my sisters do in their own way.
A couple of my friends

Unicornfeathers Fri 22-Feb-19 23:32:07

Ohhh gosh

DDog loves me but hides if I cry

DS is autistic and though we have a connection / strong bond he’s not demonstrative

Relationship with my parents is complex. I have no contact with my mother.

Lots of friends but not love

It makes me feel sad and not cared for but I’m sort of used to it

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