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Dealing with narcissistic ex

(9 Posts)
strawberrylollipop Fri 22-Feb-19 00:35:15

Have name changed

ex-dp cannot see our child until further notice due to court prohibited steps order. There has been previous DV between him towards me.

Today he called to speak to our child via one of his family members - they gave me the phone so he could ask my permission; as they didn't want to hand the phone to our child without my agreement.
Ex then said "I don't want to fucking speak to you - put child on phone"
I was so taken back that I handed the phone over to our child.
He then made arrangements for them to go out in 2 weeks - even though the prohibited steps prevents this - having spoke to our child I've now found out that they want to go to the day activity with him, but want me to go too; they don't want to stay overnight either.
He hasn't had any contact with our child since September last year.

How do I go about dealing with him?

I'm angry at myself for not standing up to him when he spoke to me like that on the phone and I want to make a stand but without looking unreasonable. He somehow always switches it back onto me being unreasonable / horrible / irrational.
He recently tried this tactic in court and the cafcass worker actually told him he was "not being entirely truthful" in response to wild allegations he was throwing around.

How do others deal with a narcissist ex partner?
Please help

Toupholsterornot Fri 22-Feb-19 08:48:34

Well he's not going if he's not allowed and just hang up next time

Handsfull13 Fri 22-Feb-19 09:19:08

How old is your child? Are they old enough that you can explain that while some paperwork/court is being sorted out they aren't allowed to see their dad and he knows that. It was wrong for plans to be made and your sorry their hopes were raised.

No longer allow phones to be passed over and I've this example as a reason. Try to stay calm and factual, look into the grey rock technique.
'No you can't pass the phone over because he lied last time'
'I will not be talked to like that' hang up.

Document all these interactions for court.

InsomniaTho Fri 22-Feb-19 09:21:38

You’d be breaking a court order if you allowed him to see child, so don’t let him.

Is he even allowed to contact you at all?

strawberrylollipop Fri 22-Feb-19 16:58:40

Sorry everyone I was at work.

He is allowed to contact me - he's just not allowed to remove her from my care / anywhere I leave her.

I'm going to look at the grey rock thing; thank you!

He cannot see her without my written agreement.
They wrote a clause into the prohibited steps order.
I haven't given my agreement. Dd is 8 - so she understands why she can't see him as she witnessed the incident which led to the prohibited steps and said she was scared

Travisandthemonkey Fri 22-Feb-19 18:03:00

Yes you should have just hung up. I’m fiture do that. And grey rock the rest of the way.
You do not have to put up with this.
And no I wouldn’t let him see her atm, he knows it’s with your permission and he just fucked that one up

strawberrylollipop Sun 24-Feb-19 20:58:41

I'm so annoyed with myself - again.
Court have got me so scared to even breathe that I feel I have no choice in how i parent dd.

He text me asking to video call dd.
I asked her if she wanted to speak to him, she said no.
I text him to tell him she said no but he said he would call anyway.
I gave the iPad to her and walked away - he then called; she answered and said "I don't want to speak to you" and hung up.
He called again - she did the same.

I then received reels of abuse - how I'm manipulating her, and he can't wait until he can take her off me and tell her how horrible I am and she will hate me when she can see what I'm doing. He's going to take her off me at court.

I've now blocked him, because honestly my mental health can't take it. Just seeing him name on my phone makes me anxious before I've even read his abusive messages.

How to I successfully grey rock him - without jepodising myself in court. They're very keen for us "work together" yet there is no working together - because when he doesn't get what he wants - he becomes abusive and hostile.

I don't want to come across as trying to ruin their relationship - because I'm really not. I need my dd to feel safe and secure with him; at the moment she doesn't and the courts don't trust him hence why he cannot have her.

Jamiefraserskilt Mon 25-Feb-19 09:06:02

Keep all those abusive messages as an example of how he reacts when it doesn't go his way. It demonstrates to them how hard it is to work together when he is abusive.
He has to learn that he cannot blame you for what is wrong with his life and his relationship with his daughter.
He cannot see her but he could speak to her as long as he follows the rules. You are the gatekeeper so abusing you is going to get him nowhere.
Simply lay down the rules to him in words of one syllable.
Speak to your daughter and explain that it is ok to speak to daddy but that there can be no arrangements for meeting just yet. It is possible she is conflicted. She doesn't want to make you cross or make the situation worse but doesn't know the rules herself.
Grey rock helps detach yourself from the emotion and focus on the facts. When all he wants is proof you are being unreasonable all he gets are facts and no reaction.

strawberrylollipop Mon 25-Feb-19 12:37:17

@Jamiefraserskilt thank you!
I've kept all the messages and will print them off if need be.
He's still blocked for the time being.

My dd is still saying she doesn't want to speak to him and I'm not to give her the phone again because he's not nice

Atm though he can't even call me so I don't know if he'll try again once he's unblocked

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