AIBU to think that I deserve not to be lied to by every bastard out there?

[Doormat247]

Sorry if this sounds like a rant but I'm sick to the back teeth of being lied to in every relationship I try to get off the ground.

I always thought I was lucky to have a lovely husband like mine - then discovered he was a lying shitbag who was trying to find fuckbuddies online. Next bf I caught out trying to get back with his ex. Then the same thing with the next one (his declarations of love to her almost broke me as I loved him more than I ever loved anyone).

11mths ago I met the sweetest, loveliest man you could imagine. We're a fantastic match but things moved very slowly. Two days ago I discovered in the first few months we were together he was slagging me off to a female 'friend', telling her he wasn't happy but he'd take what he could get, was just happy to be finally getting some sex - not enough, but at least it's something. He told her I was convenient and ok to see when he felt like it and then to not bother seeing when he couldn't be bothered. Said it wasn't progressing to a relationship at all.

What shocked me was the difference in the messages he was sending me at the same time. Telling me how wonderful every minute with me was, he'd never met anyone like me etc etc. I 100% wouldn't have had him down for a bullshitter and he's not blokey or the type that shags anything that moves. He comes across as a genuinely sweet man.

We go on holiday together next week and I've just paid him my half so I'll be damned if I'm losing my hard earned money. I'm kinda formulating a plan to bring his behaviour up with him when we get back and tell him I've seen the messages he sent this girl. They clearly either have had some sort of relationship in the past or want to fuck each other. She comes across as needy and desperate for attention in the texts and brings up sex a lot unnecessarily. It seems to me as if she wants a back up for when she dumps her long-suffering bf.

I don't know whether this behaviour should be forgivable as it was quite early on in the relationship. She last messaged him around 5mths ago looking for attention and he ignored her. But I suppose they could be messaging elsewhere and they're Facebook friends too.
He tells me he's genuinely happy and always has been (last bit is clearly a lie). He certainly seems happy with me but it did take him an awfully long time to declare his love for me.

Are all men lying shits? Or am I just unlucky?
Surely I deserve to find someone who can act like a decent human being ....

[Middlrm]

It’s your call. Pros of talking to him about it
A) you will find out where you stand
B) you can decide what to do full indoryabd look to quit or move forward
cons you will need to explain why you went through his messages and he may not trust you.

I am not judging I have done it myself ... early find what you want, pretty sure all guys have flirts with other girls ... bastards

[C0untDucku1a]

How did you discover the messages?

[Doormat247]

@C0untDucku1a - I've always been suspicious as I've seen 'I miss you' texts pop up on his phone which he quickly swipes away (from a different girl).
So after months of trying not to snoop I gave in.

I know I shouldn't check up on him but if he's a lying cheating bastard then I feel I'm entitled to know before I waste more time on him. He knows I've had this done to me several times and he 'couldn't believe how badly I was treated in the past' 😒.
This feels so much worse than the others as he was talking down our relationship and me just to get attention from this girl.

[Doormat247]

@Middlrm sadly yeah it seems most guys do. But this isn't an innocent flirt, they clearly have some sort of history.
She shouldn't be texting him at 4am to tell him she misses him and he certainly shouldn't be saying he misses her too.

A few of the messages were him asking if she was free to meet up. And some giving out his weekly plans obviously hoping she would say she was free.

The fact he called me a convenience especially hurt as I've asked him before if he's only with me because we're so alike we never argue and it's just easy. He's always denied it yet I've always felt that way.

He has Aspergers and does mimic the way others talk/text so always puts the same amount of kisses on a text that they do. I can't give him a free pass though - I've let him off plenty of things because of it already.

[leonasa]

For me this would be unforgivable. Not all guys do this kind of thing at all. Who was the other girl he was getting "I miss you" texts from?

Unfortunately if you talk to him about it you will have to say you checked his phone. But do you really want to be with someone like this anyway, can you really go away with him and pretend like everything's fine??

I get how you feel about people lying, I really do. But there are good ones out there, and honestly it's much better to be single than to be with a bad one anyway.

Sorry you found this OP.

[Doormat247]

@leonasa the other girl is someone he's in a band with. I've noticed they always have their arms around each other in band photos too but I let this slide once I found out she's just moved in with her bf. I kinda assumed women treat him like they would a gay best friend as he's quite feminine, sweet and helpful. He hasn't been in touch with her as much lately either. He actively keeps me away from his life with the band so I've never met her.

If I hadn't literally just paid him a ton of money for my half of the holiday I'd sort this with him now and leave him to deal with the bill alone.
He seems wonderful when everything is going his way - but when I've brought up issues with him in the past he's gotten very defensive and argumentative. He does listen to my points though so I feel he'd let me get it all out when I do confront him. I'll get more evidence first though.

The main issue I've had with him is that he's very insecure. He feels like I'm going to dump him constantly without having a reason to feel that way. He says he thinks I can do better and will realise this at some point.

[Notwiththeseknees]

Where are you going on holiday? If is somewhere warm, then a nice tanned barman is always good to talk too.
If you are skiing you can always go off on extra lessons.....

What I am saying is, don't spend your expensive holiday in a state of misery - dump him when you arrive and go and have some fun!!

[ShatnersWig]

Are all men lying shits?

No, of course they aren't.

Or am I just unlucky?

Possibly. But on the relationships board some would probably suggest you may have poor radar for it to keep repeating.

Surely I deserve to find someone who can act like a decent human being

Yes. So dump this latest idiot and get out there again.

[Notwiththeseknees]

And don't forget to point out, it is HIS behaviour that has caused this. The continual "you will leave me, I'm not worthy" is nothing more than a mind game to make you stay and then he can sadly say he knew it all along boo hoo. You are like all the rest, he tries so hard. It's just the script!

[C0untDucku1a]

I think you need to have some counsellig before considering dating again.

[HeresMe]

These blokes are idiots, and disgraceful, people need to treat each other with respect.

A question I must ask and this in no way blaming you, do you have a type of man you go for as if this continues to keep happening, I would change that type.

[Doormat247]

@HeresMe - no I haven't really gone for a certain type. I certainly don't go for 'knobheads'.

I like very respectable, quiet men which is what my current bf is. That's why I was so surprised as he's so lovely otherwise, doesn't have many friends, hates socialising etc. Not the kind of man I'd expect to be hitting on other women.

I've tried various types but all similar to the 'nice guy' bracket.

Maybe I'm just stuck in the old fashioned type of dating that I was used to before I met my ex husband over 15yrs ago. One date and you were 'going out' seriously if you liked each other. These days there's so many folks available on the internet that people keep you on hold until they find something better.