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To think db has been scammed by his ex

(362 Posts)
lurchersrool Thu 21-Feb-19 21:31:16

Db is going through a divorce. There are two children involved who he sees regularly and the divorce was triggered by his infidelity - though he's single now and insists the marriage was in trouble for years before he cheated which was certainly how it looked from the outside tbf.

Anyway, the point is there was fault on both sides but I feel he has been royally shafted by the way the finances have been dealt with. He and I were both given £80k by df in order to buy property. That was about 12 years ago, just before the crash. Db and exsil had just got together but they bought the property together, despite df raising some concerns about it. I don't know all the ins and outs but they had a fair bit of work done on the property which involved re-mortgaging and a couple of years ago moved to a bigger house.

Apparently the situation now is that the amount of equity is so little that there is no point in selling and they have no other assets so db can't get his £80k, or even half of it back. Ex sil has said the most the bank can lend her is £20k, and even that she's saying will partly need to cover her legal costs, so he's going to end up with a pittance. I think it's a joke. She has a well-paid job while db has no real career as such. He has back problems from an injury he got years ago and has always struggled to hold down permanent jobs. He looked after one of the dc for a year as a baby so ex sil could go back to work, but now he's being left with nothing, well nothing aside from a share of her pension but he obviously won't get that for years so nothing really tangible.

It just seems so wrong. He refused to get a solicitor although I had offered to help pay, and I know df is beside himself worrying about db's future. He thought the £80k would at least see him in secure housing but now it seems to have gone and db is back to shitty bedsits. To make it worse she is now asking for maintenance which I think is just spiteful. Normally I always think men should pay for their kids but this woman has a well-paid job and db literally has nothing. AIBU to think she shouldn't be putting in this claim and db has been treated really badly here?

sue51 Thu 21-Feb-19 21:53:21

No sympathy at all for your DB. Why do you think he should not be asked to support his own children?

Ncaa Thu 21-Feb-19 21:54:41

make it worse she is now asking for maintenance which I think is just spiteful
Yeah what a bitch, thinking their father should contribute confused

fullofcoldahhhh Thu 21-Feb-19 21:54:45

MN are incredible... if it was the other way round and the wife had stayed at home and looked after the kids it'd be all "she gave up her career , she has reduced pension now , she's the primary career she should stay in the house with the kids"

He cheated , that doesn't mean he should lose all of his money, if he hadn't cheated and she had decided that she had ended the relationship, should he have his money back then?

ILoveMaxiBondi Thu 21-Feb-19 21:55:45

He spent the £80K! He did home improvements and bought new houses. Did he genuinely think he could spend money and then it would still be there when he wanted it back? confused who educated him about how spending money works?

Kintan Thu 21-Feb-19 21:56:08

So in essence he has contributed £80k to a house for his children to live in. Can't see anything wrong with that. Also I can't believe you are advocating for him not paying maintenance - so they are living with their mother who does the bulk of the child rearing then, as well as her having a job, and you think your brother should not contribute? Your parents did a great job of instilling values into you both didn't they!

lifebegins50 Thu 21-Feb-19 21:56:25

Thd equity is gone so that's why he is not getting anything. They must have bought very badly if they still haven't recovered any equity despite improving the property. Is the valuation correct? Did he get 3 quotes?

He is getting a pension share and he is foolish to think its worthless. How much is he getting?

Women are always advised to get some of the pension. Hd is paying cms, it really isn't a major amount. If they have 1 child he will live on 90% of his salary..that's not a bad deal.

NCforthis2019 Thu 21-Feb-19 21:56:48

he looked after HIS OWN CHILDREN for 1 year?! What a stand up guy.

Sorry - he has to pay maintenance either way - they are his children. Maybe he needs to grow up and get a job instead eh.

The 80k was put back into the house (his choice) - how is that being scammed? Sorry but your cheating brother has no claim here.

Livelovebehappy Thu 21-Feb-19 21:57:26

She hasn’t scammed him. The house is providing a home for his DCs, at least until they are 18, and then I guess the house would be sold and equity split. Sounds like he wouldn’t be able to stay in the house and meet the bills and mortgage anyway because he can’t hold down a full time job. And you really think she’s going to have it easy being a single parent to the DCs?

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey Thu 21-Feb-19 21:57:40


PrestonsFlowers Thu 21-Feb-19 21:58:31

If she earned more then she has been supporting him. He's made some pretty stupid financial decisions and now he's paying the price.
He should pay for his children. Can't see how he's been scammed at all

Blackbear10 Thu 21-Feb-19 21:59:44

Both your ex SIL and DB should get solicitors involved.
It’s really the only way to make sure nobody is shafted in the long term.

NCforthis2019 Thu 21-Feb-19 21:59:50

Yeah she scammed him, right from the word go, she knew he had some money, tricked him into buying a house, then purposely got pregnant, then made him cheat on her, thereby triggering a divorce and hence getting to stay in the house she wanted him to buy in the first place, all to get the 80k.

Or - karma is a bitch.

Monty27 Thu 21-Feb-19 21:59:51

He's a bank of df cheating ass.
Too tight to see a lawyer too.
The most you could do is post this in legal here.
Also how old are DC's?
Not enough information and even you have said you don't know the ins and outs.
You sound biased towards db and not the cheated on sil. You say exsil but they haven't even been to a lawyer to negate the marriage vows?
Your post lacks factual info.

WorraLiberty Thu 21-Feb-19 21:59:56

Just doesn't seem right that he gets given 80k then ends up with nothing.

Leave aside his cheating as the reason for their split is pretty irrelevant here.

He decided to invest 80k into a house with someone he'd only been dating a short time, then as their relationship grew and they had DC, that money got swallowed up in the property.

That's completely normal tbh and tends to happen in the property chain. He would have known that and despite your dad's reservations, still went ahead.

That money is long gone and I don't think you should dwell on it, on his behalf.

As for his children, of course he should pay for them. It's never ok not to.

OlennasWimple Thu 21-Feb-19 22:00:11

Cheating is irrelevant here

How has he been scammed? Are you implying that he was tricked into buying a house that then fell prey to house price fluctuations?

And why shouldn't he pay maintenance? If he isn't earning anything, he won't be paying anything... (Poor ex-SiL and kids)

Loseitandkeepitlost Thu 21-Feb-19 22:00:49

He still owns 50%of the house. If there isn’t £80l of equity in it now it’s because they spent it when they remortgaged and released funds.

He should support his children.

NoCauseRebel Thu 21-Feb-19 22:00:54

The reasons for the split are irrelevant. And the quote that the court won’t let the house be sold until the youngest is eighteen is a myth.

If they have property together the courts can insist that the property be sold and the equity divided. Equally if he is the stay at home parent SIL will be liable for relinquishing equity in the property if there is any, or to buy him out if she wants to remain in the house...

In terms of his paying maintenance, if he has the financial means then he is liable for maintenance depending on the contact arrangements between them. But if he’s not earning then it may not be that straightforward.

WRT the inheritance, this is a bit of a grey area as inheritances generally don’t count towards the division of assets during a split, but he would need to see a solicitor for that due to the fact that the inheritance was invested into joint property.

But it’s simply not true or fair to suggest that he should just relinquish all money from the marriage because of the reasons for the split. The courts are not interested in such things,and he needs to seek some legal advice.

lurchersrool Thu 21-Feb-19 22:00:57

Gosh people are harsh. Love how everyone's jumped on the cheating and ignored the but about the marriage being ropey anyway. For all we know she cheated too...

I'm worried about him and my dad. DB is a great dad but he's not going to see much of the dc at this rate as he has nowhere decent to take them. And yes, I get that he's responsible for the dc but surely it balances out - she's keeping the house, which will presumably get more equity over time and yet he will only ever get this tiny amount and has to get money out of nowhere for the dc. If he had plenty of money I would obviously think he should pay some to her, but he has none.

And I love people making comments about me - yes, it's s crime to worry about my brother.

Hiphopopotamous Thu 21-Feb-19 22:01:46

They've JOINTLY made whatever stupid decisions have lost all the equity, and of course your DB should move out and pay maintenance, it sounds like he wouldn't be able to run the house on his salary.

Butteredghost Thu 21-Feb-19 22:04:57

You are right that legally cheating doesn't come in to it. However please also consider how investments (including in property) legally work. You choose to invest money, and you may or may not get money back. You can't just say "oh well I put 80k in and I've changed my mind so I'd like it back".

They jointly decided to invest money and it hasn't paid off (yet), not sure why that is ex SILs fault. She is in the same situation. What are you saying? She should just borrow 80k and give it to her CPOS ex? So she's 80k in the hole and with a house worth nothing? What about all the money she has put in?

And sorry but looking after ONE dc for ONE year? I dont think that means ex wife is in debt to him forever. Anyway who looked after dc the rest of the time and had to take a career break from maternity leave to have them.

NoCauseRebel Thu 21-Feb-19 22:05:20

If she earned more then she has been supporting him. He's made some pretty stupid financial decisions and now he's paying the price. to be fair women are advised all the time that if their partners have been supporting them then they should be entitled to more from the split due to e.g. inability to earn the same etc etc. In fact the fact a woman hasn’t been working in many instance will entitle her to spousal maintenance, so I wouldn’t be a quick to advise that because a woman has been supporting him he should just suck it up because it may not work like that, especially if he’s unable to return to work due to e.g. disability or illness.

Bambamber Thu 21-Feb-19 22:06:01

Is your brother working now considering he is no longer being a stay at home dad?

TheDarkPassenger Thu 21-Feb-19 22:06:31

I don’t see the issue with him being the SAHP. It’s pretty sad that just cos he was the dad doing it that suddenly he was lazy and didn’t work.

However, he spent the money, the money has gone. That’s what happens when you spend money. And that’s what happens when you dip your wick around. I kind of want to high five her.

And he needs to pay for his kids, cos that’s just fucking in-sayyyyyyyyne

Oswin Thu 21-Feb-19 22:07:14

Fullofcold that's not what's happened though is it. He did the care for a year. The same as the ex. With the time out she would have had on maternity she would have done the same.
So no he's not a poor sahp who's been shafted.

Schuyler Thu 21-Feb-19 22:07:39

Even people on benefits have to pay towards their own children. Do you seriously think he is exempt? Also, she didn’t just get the house, it’s to ensure a secure roof over the heads of your DNs.

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