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To think db has been scammed by his ex

(362 Posts)
lurchersrool Thu 21-Feb-19 21:31:16

Db is going through a divorce. There are two children involved who he sees regularly and the divorce was triggered by his infidelity - though he's single now and insists the marriage was in trouble for years before he cheated which was certainly how it looked from the outside tbf.

Anyway, the point is there was fault on both sides but I feel he has been royally shafted by the way the finances have been dealt with. He and I were both given £80k by df in order to buy property. That was about 12 years ago, just before the crash. Db and exsil had just got together but they bought the property together, despite df raising some concerns about it. I don't know all the ins and outs but they had a fair bit of work done on the property which involved re-mortgaging and a couple of years ago moved to a bigger house.

Apparently the situation now is that the amount of equity is so little that there is no point in selling and they have no other assets so db can't get his £80k, or even half of it back. Ex sil has said the most the bank can lend her is £20k, and even that she's saying will partly need to cover her legal costs, so he's going to end up with a pittance. I think it's a joke. She has a well-paid job while db has no real career as such. He has back problems from an injury he got years ago and has always struggled to hold down permanent jobs. He looked after one of the dc for a year as a baby so ex sil could go back to work, but now he's being left with nothing, well nothing aside from a share of her pension but he obviously won't get that for years so nothing really tangible.

It just seems so wrong. He refused to get a solicitor although I had offered to help pay, and I know df is beside himself worrying about db's future. He thought the £80k would at least see him in secure housing but now it seems to have gone and db is back to shitty bedsits. To make it worse she is now asking for maintenance which I think is just spiteful. Normally I always think men should pay for their kids but this woman has a well-paid job and db literally has nothing. AIBU to think she shouldn't be putting in this claim and db has been treated really badly here?

Micah Sat 23-Feb-19 17:50:22

Both parents have equal rights to see their children. It’s about facilitating that relationship

Sorry, let me re word that.

Children have equal rights to see both parents.

GunpowderGelatine Sat 23-Feb-19 18:00:57

Or is it a case of dad should pay, and if he can’t afford to see the kids as well, tough?

No it's a case of the non-resident parent should pay, it just so happens they are usually Male. If he can't afford a house with a room or bed for them then yes it's tough that they probably can't stay over. It doesn't matter how much the non-resident parent has in their bank, it's 100% irrelevant. You're conflating RP/NRP with sex

If he won the lottery the kids could live with him, and he wouldn’t need to pay her anything. Or should he, so she can still have a relationship with her kids?

But they've established that she's the main carer and knows the children better and that's why she looks after them. You're conflating the amount of money a parent has with what is best for the child. Otherwise all these loaded ex husbands we hear about so often on MN, who are happy to fiddle their books and pay the bare minimum, would be their children's main careers, no?

Micah Sat 23-Feb-19 18:10:53

No, i’m referring to a specific scenario by a pp where she stated that if rp won the lottery, nrp should still pay child maintenance.

I questioned whether that would be best for the children, going between a millionaire lifestyle and a dad who can’t even afford a suitable house for them to stay in.

Wakk Sat 23-Feb-19 18:15:09

She's going to end up doing better out of it compared to her cheating shitbag husband?

Good. So she should.

GunpowderGelatine Sat 23-Feb-19 18:28:15

Well what's your suggestion Micah? Should the RP pay for their cheating ex to have a house?

Micah Sat 23-Feb-19 18:41:36

I don’t know, it was hypothetical and not specific to the o/p’ s situation.

But you’re back to “cheating ex” - why should the children lose out on a relationship with a parent? It’s not about what happened in the adults relationship.

Which is why a good friend of mine has ended up in the o/p’s brothers situation. He has lost his house and children despite it being her cheating on him. He recognises that there isn’t enough money to split one house into two. He tried for rp but was told it always stays with the mother- they both had careers and worked full time so were equal parents.

If he won the lottery should he pay his “cheating ex”? Or apply for RP based on his ability to provide a better lifestyle? Or perhaps buy a house for his “cheating ex” to live in while the children are dependent so they can share custody.

It’s all hypothetical. But it doesn’t matter who cheated or who left who, it’s whether having two involved parents is best for the children.

CanILeavenowplease Sat 23-Feb-19 19:49:09

if rp won the lottery, nrp should still pay child maintenance

Personally, I would hope that any self-respecting parent would willingly make a financial contribution towards their child’s upbringing regardless of the financial circumstances of the other parent.

Micah Sat 23-Feb-19 20:38:17

Personally, I would hope that any self-respecting parent would willingly make a financial contribution towards their child’s upbringing regardless of the financial circumstances of the other parent

And i would hope that any self respecting parent with several million would not expect or accept that contribution, especially if it meant the other parent struggled so much financially they couldn’t parent their child properly, or even provide suitable accomodation for overnights.

I think you’d have to be a special kind of spiteful to insist an ex paid you a couple of hundered pounds a month when you have several million.

Still, unlikely to happen. Odds of winning the lottery being miniscule and all.

leigh39 Sat 23-Feb-19 20:44:01

He had an affair on her which obviously broke the marriage up and he wouldn't of been in this position now if he wouldn't of been unfaithful I guess ... whether or not she has a well paid job she has the kids to look after whom her shares the responsibility for .. so he should pay for his kids regardless.... like you said there's no equity in the property And she still has bills to pay ... and has one income now ..... yes it's a shitter !! But it's life

frazzledasarock Sat 23-Feb-19 21:05:08

Micah, the OP’s brother will be paying a fiver for his children not hundreds as he’s not got a job and only if he’s claiming benefits, if he’s not claiming benefits his children will get nothing. CMS is the bare minimum.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 23-Feb-19 21:15:00

If I had won the 150million Eurmillions, I would have given the father of each of my DC a million quid. I would still expect them to pay child support because paying child support, even if it's a nominal sum, is important to both the child and NRP.

That's hypothetical though. I didn't win.

frazzledasarock Sat 23-Feb-19 21:16:19

The NRP should get a job, why should the RP be paying grown ass man who is not contributing anything towards the RP’s life anything?

And having been thro the courts for child contact, the courts don’t just choose the mother to have contact, they’d have made an assessment and taken the children’s current lifestyle into account and the children’s wishes and feelings before awarding residency to one parent.

In the case that OP has posted the NRP is a feckless loser who has contributed very little financially to the family. The mother has residency probably because she did the main care, the ex husband didn’t have a job and contributed the sum of £80k 12 years ago and one years worth of childcare.
For that he gets a portion of his ex wife’s pension leaving behind a massive debt & two DC he is begrudging paying a fiver for.

And OP would like her ex sil to wear a hair shirt and self flagulate to show suitable misery at no longer being married to her useless ex anything else makes her a bitch.

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