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To find this habit utterly infuriating?

(58 Posts)
Lipsticktraces Thu 21-Feb-19 16:33:35

Please give me your opinions as apparently I’m BU!

DH has a habit of pretending he’s going to do the opposite of what I want/ask him to do. For example I might say “shall we get the babies ready to go out?” (We have six month old twins) and he’ll reply “No, we’ll stay in” He’ll then repeat himself a few times when I say we have to do as I’ve suggested. Or I’ll ask him if he’s getting up and he’ll say “no I’ll stay in bed” even though he knows he’s getting up.

I’ve just hit the roof after he’s done it for the sixth time today when I asked if he’s taking dog a walk (his response was “No, I’ll stay here”) He’s told me he’s only joking and I have no sense of humour. Am I wrong in thinking there’s nothing funny about what he’s doing and it’s actually incredibly passive agressive?

downcasteyes Thu 21-Feb-19 16:58:18

Oh God, that would drive me nuts too. It's just a waste of time and energy at a time when it sounds like those are in short supply. The fact that he's continuing to do it despite knowing that it causes conflict is just weird.

The way that men just expect women to laugh at their jokes - however unfunny - is infuriating. Next time he says you have no sense of humour, make sure you reply with "My sense of humour is fine, you're JUST NOT FUNNY!"

cardibach Thu 21-Feb-19 16:59:37

* ficket* in my family that question, or the related ‘what are you doing now?’ Is met with ‘eating bananas with chopsticks’. It signals that the question was daft.
OP Towel has the solution. Don’t ask a question when what you mean to do is state a fact/necessary event. Replace ‘shall we...?’ With ‘Let’s...’ or ‘we need to...’

cardibach Thu 21-Feb-19 16:59:56

Ticket sorry!

RatherBeRiding Thu 21-Feb-19 17:00:18

If it's something you've already agreed on (going out with DC), then he's maybe finding it annoying that you are now asking him if you should get them ready? So instead of asking "shall we get them ready" - rephrase it as "right, time to get them ready - grab their coats will you".

cardibach Thu 21-Feb-19 17:00:42

Argh! cricket.
Must proof read.

sheldonstwin Thu 21-Feb-19 17:01:15

I've remembered another one, too, from when I was in hospital. The bloke giving out dinners looked at me and said with a serious expression on his face ' no, you don't get dinner today'
I sighed inwardly and thought 'here we go, another idiot doing his little power trip and then in one minute he will smile and pretend it's all a joke'

The thing is, I'm too bloody old for this shite now so I just said 'Please give me my dinner' with a straight faced stare. At which point he went into his predicable routine 'haha only joking'

So-fucking-funny. Not.

Nesssie Thu 21-Feb-19 17:03:31

Our family answer to an obvious question is 'playing tennis'
Funny how different families have different sayings.

justbinthefeckinbyebyebox Thu 21-Feb-19 17:07:54

Op I thoroughly sympathise!

Does he value his life!?! wink
I've offered my mum an alibi, do you need one?

My dad is like this, my mum hates it. After 50+ years it still
upsets her but he only stops it for a while only to start again.
It gets so tiring.

CoolJule43 Thu 21-Feb-19 17:10:49

He is joking but you just don't find it funny (I can see why though - I don't think I would either).

When you ask whether he's going to getup, I think he's trying to say you're asking the bleeding obvious. Perhaps rephrase and just say ' Come on, time to get up now' or go out or whatever. Don't ask a question that requires a verbal response. Say omething that requires a physical action

Passing4Human Thu 21-Feb-19 17:15:45

I hate these 'jokes' which are, usually, perpetrated by a certain type of Middle Ages man. If there's an audience they glance around to make sure that everybody is suitably amused by their wit. I make sure that I stare back with cold, dead eyes.

My dad! Gawd it drove me nuts as a kid. He also used to say, "pardon my French" before swearing. Every. Single. Time.

Pernickity1 Thu 21-Feb-19 17:26:08

I agree with sheldonstwin it’s a power play for some men. My husband does something similar. It gets REALLY annoying when it’s done constantly. He hates being “told what to do” so I’ve concluded it’s a play to keep some element of control.

God even thinking about it rules me up! And I’ve just realised he’s done something similar over text today.

Me: “please come straight home today (he often diverts to his parents/some unnecessary work shite) it’s a crazy house and please pick up some milk we have none left”

For context I never make “demands” like this but I have a terrible flu, one child on antibiotics practically delirious with fever and another attempting to take her first steps and falling over and crying her heart out every few minutes, amongst other shitty things that happened today.

Anyway his response:


Followed by “Important work things to do”.

He’s being sarcastic and will come straight home but he says this crap all the time and it’s annoying - it’s not remotely funny? And particularly on days like today.

He also has a long commute and sometimes ill ring to see where he is for various reasons - if I need to go somewhere will he be home on time to watch the DC/ I want to know when to put dinner on etc. and he’ll NEVER just tell me where he is. He’ll say something like “on the road” and I’ll say “where” and he’ll say “between work and home”. Every. Time. I’ll eventually snap and he’ll tell me but surely it’s not normal to wait for your wife to snap before you answer a simple question? Even if he can hear children crying in the background and I’m clearly busy? Has to be control doesn’t it?!

Sorry OP - I’ve gone on a rant on your thread blush it just infuriates me!

Pernickity1 Thu 21-Feb-19 17:28:38

*riles me up not “rules”

KickAssAngel Thu 21-Feb-19 17:28:39

See, my parents would do this thing of pretending to ask me a question when really they were telling what to do, and often being quite controlling. I therefore automatically gave a 'wrong' answer just to be annoying. However, I have grown out of it.

But if there have been 6 times already today that this has happened, then it means that you are asking those kinds of questions 6 times and/or he's incapable of self motivating and needs reminding 6 times.

So - be honest with yourself. Does he need this kind of control technique to make him do things, or are you chasing him when he'd do it anyway?

supersop60 Thu 21-Feb-19 17:33:59

OP - as PP have said, don't ask that kind of question. It will take his un-funny responses away, and you will get a chance to say what you really want. eg please get up - I need your help etc etc.
pernickitty - ask him how long he'll be, not where he is (it sounds controlling). and he wants the control

SisyphusDad Thu 21-Feb-19 17:39:52

Do it once, you're a wit.
Do it twice, you're a half wit.
Geometric progression.

Missingstreetlife Thu 21-Feb-19 17:44:00

Don't ask any questions. Seriously.

Pernickity1 Thu 21-Feb-19 17:46:12

I’ll try that supersop60 though no doubt he’ll come up with some other “witty” retort like “17 hours” or “I don’t know - how long do you think?” hmm

troubleswillbeoutofsight Thu 21-Feb-19 17:47:47

Is it a form of gas lighting do you think?

llangennith Thu 21-Feb-19 17:55:42

Does ANYBODY else share your DH's sense of humour? It'd drive me nuts! Don't ask him, tell him. "We're getting the babies ready to go out now. Move." And glare at him if he looks like he might be about to say something he alone finds funny.

Crikeyblimey Thu 21-Feb-19 18:04:20

If you are asking direct questions and he is being obtuse, then he’s an unfunny twat.

However, if you are asking passive questions ‘shall we’ etc. then stop it. It’s draining and I don’t blame him for an odd response.

My sister can’t ask outright what she wants and it is draining. Even today she possibly said to my other sister ‘I’ve not boiled the herd for lunch’ expecting my other sis to say ‘I’ll do it’. Rather than ‘can you boil the eggs please’. It sounds like a very small difference but fuck me it gets very old very quick.

Just say what you mean ‘i need you to...’. or ‘will you...’.

Crikeyblimey Thu 21-Feb-19 18:05:10

Passively not possibly ffs

Crikeyblimey Thu 21-Feb-19 18:06:01

Oh ffs - eggs not herd (that would have been a massive lunch)!

newnameforthis7 Thu 21-Feb-19 18:07:47

He sounds very annoying.

I second TELLING him what to do. Not asking...

Hidingtonothing Thu 21-Feb-19 18:09:15

Have you tried sitting him down in a quiet, calm moment and explaining that you don't find it funny, that it adds to your stress and affects the way you feel about him and that you have enough on your plate and just need a straight answer? Maybe ask him whether the way you approach things does irritate him in a similar way and get him to suggest alternatives instead?

It could be a communication issue or it could be a control thing, either way laying it bare by clearly telling him it's becoming a problem will make it more difficult for him to carry on doing it. If it's communication you can come up with a compromise that works for you both and if it's control and he tries to carry on doing it knowing how it makes you feel you can refer back to the conversation and call him out on it every single time.

newnameforthis7 Thu 21-Feb-19 18:11:04

I'd feel like chucking a glass of water over him LOL.

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