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to think my girlfriend may have someone else?

(18 Posts)
bball89 Thu 21-Feb-19 15:18:02

Hello,

This is my first time posting here and I am really hoping for some advice, as it may be most helpful from a woman’s perspective.

I am 30 year old male, been with my girlfriend just short of 5 years. We have a great relationship overall, get on well, own a house together, 2 pets, have shared friends and take many great holidays together. Of course there is some bickering but nothing harmful so to speak. My girlfriend is 2 years younger than me and very much the outgoing, social, party animal. Loves to spend time with her friends and equally loves chill time on her own. She is also a gym bunny so spends a lot of time there. I am also very outgoing and sociable with many of my own friends so we do tick along nicely with regard to having our own time and space.

The problem is here; recently I have noticed her becoming very distant and spending more and more time doing her own thing. She seems really happy around others but when alone with just me is almost snappy, I always feel a bit unsure of what mood she will return home from work in. She spends most of her time at home on her phone. She has also gone off sex quite considerably; we have done it maybe 4 times in the last 2-3 months. She also doesn’t show much affection towards me anymore. It is really getting to me as I want to be able to share this with her, I love her to death and we used to have such fun together and a really good sex life, so it is starting to hurt that she no longer seems to want this. I must admit it has crossed my mind on a few occasions that she may be getting it elsewhere due to sudden lack of desire and also time spent apart. I have asked her if there is someone else but she says there is not.

Another issue and probably my main concern, is that I really want children and she does not. As she is a bit younger than me I didn’t force the topic until a year ago when she told me she hadn’t thought about it yet but wasn’t sure she even wanted any. I told her at the time if she didn’t want children then I guess I go without as I love her and want to be with her. I have let it lie since then, part of me hoping she would change her mind. I brought this up to her last week and it didn’t go down too well. She has basically told me she doesn’t want children and that she feels she is holding me back by doing so. She admitted she feels extremely guilty for this as she knows I would make a brilliant dad. I feel we are at a bit of a dead end here. She has also told me to hold off on a potential proposal, she has her reasons for this I guess as she was previously married just young at 22, but has been divorced almost 4 years now. What should my next move be? Am I silly to end this otherwise good relationship? Or do I let her go with the hope of having my own family one day and potentially seeing her happier without these pressures?

I would appreciate any thoughts or advice on this. Thanks in advance.

Supergrassyknoll Thu 21-Feb-19 15:22:21

I think you know the answer here, if you're unable to sit down and have an honest and frank conversation about what you both want for the future I'd say it's time to call it a day. The longer you leave it the worse it'll get, it'll be tough at first but you deserve to find someone who shares your hopes and dreams and you will

Fiveredbricks Thu 21-Feb-19 15:24:54

You need to leave. It isn't working and wont fix it's self. She is resenting you and that wont change.

Steeve Thu 21-Feb-19 15:25:19

* I told her at the time if she didn’t want children then I guess I go without as I love her and want to be with her.*

No. Just no. From a bloke this is the worst decision you could possibly make. You will end up resenting her.

Loughers Thu 21-Feb-19 15:27:47

There's a few red flags there and until you get a definitive answer as to her apparent unhappiness you will continue to tear yourself apart.

Ask her out for a meal and don't rush in with questions - but at an opportune time tell her more or less what you've told us.

Don't listen to any theories from folk here - we don't know you or her.

The only way you will know what is happening is by asking her calmly and in a caring way.

If she refuses to go out, offer to cook a nice meal at home. If she again refuses you may need to bring matters to a head and address your concerns there and then.

Personally the children issue is a deal breaker - if you want children you cannot smother that desire and hope it goes away.

It won't.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Feb-19 15:28:30

I'm sorry to say that your relationship has run it's course. The issue of having children, just for starters, means you are incompatible. I think you should start making plans to separate as amicably as possible, as soon as possible. Break-ups are painful but you need to think about your future.

ILoveBray Thu 21-Feb-19 15:29:59

Based on your post, I would end it. It's no good waiting round for someone to decide they want children if you definitely do. She may decide she actually never wants them, and then how would you feel if you've waited ages for her?

Given that reason and the other things you've listed I would discuss ending the relationship with her. Better to be single and have the option of both of you meeting the right person, than trudging along in a relationship that doesn't seem to be working any longer.

FWIW you sound lovely and thoughtful from your post, and you'll no doubt meet the right person.

MRex Thu 21-Feb-19 15:36:23

You won't stop wanting children, it's best to talk honestly and if you don't have the same dreams then move on. From what you've said there's no particular reason to think there's someone else, but if you aren't making each other happy then maybe it's time to move on.

KatnissMellark Thu 21-Feb-19 15:36:33

Divorced for four years but in a relationship with you for five? Was she single when you got together?

Nobhobs Thu 21-Feb-19 15:43:46

I can't say whether she's cheating or not, but my brother in law gave up his dream of having kids for my sisters, he said he just hoped she'd change her mind. It's very clear that he resents her for it, they argue more than they don't. They're both early 40s now.. she hasn't changed her mind. Leave, find someone who shares your future plans (and someone who doesn't snap at you all the time)

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule Thu 21-Feb-19 15:44:36

She's made it clear she doesn't want children, but you really do. I don't know anyone's relationship that's survived that scenario, I'm sorry OP. It does sound like you both want different things.

Lightofday Thu 21-Feb-19 15:46:27

Time to go. She doesn't want kids and you do. I wouldn't expect her to change her mind and hanging about waiting in the hope that she does...its actually a little disrespectful tbh. If it were me, I'd feel mega uncomfortable thinking my partner is waiting about for me to decide 'hey its time to become an oven for his mini-me's'. That might be why she is distant. Speaking as someone who also doesn't want kids, I'd be wondering 'why can't I just be enough for him? Why does he need non existant beings to make us complete?'. Especially considering you told her at first that you didn't mind if you didn't have kids.

That aside, I think if I were her I would end it and set you free. It seems that she is also being a bit selfish and hoping you will change your mind (again). Though she may have more reason to believe this of you because of what you originally told her. She has never said to you that she wanted kids.

It doesn't sound like it is a relationship you should bring kids into anyway. Probably time to cut your losses and move on.

downcasteyes Thu 21-Feb-19 15:55:00

Yep, time for a serious discussion. It sounds as though your GF is questioning the relationship, at very least, but I wouldn't assume that this means she is having an affair or has definitely decided to leave. The issue around children needs bottoming out - you both need to be comfortable with the other's decision on this. It is a HUGE deal to have incompatible wishes in this area.

It's important to approach these issues not as a set of demands that you're imposing on her, but as a series of questions about her wellbeing and where her head is on these major issues for you both.

GraceMarks Thu 21-Feb-19 16:03:05

I'm sorry to say it, but I think the issue about kids is probably at the root of this rather than there being another man in the picture. From your OP, it doesn't sound as if you've been pressuring her about wanting children, but it's possible she feels cornered by the fact you brought it up, and her lack of interest in sex stems from associating it with procreation.

It isn't silly to think about ending the relationship at all - this issue is a big deal. It's nobody's fault, just a case of wanting different things. What would be silly would be waiting around in the hope that she may change her mind. She may do, or she may not, and can you really say that you would harbour no resentment at all if not?

bball89 Thu 21-Feb-19 17:26:25

Thanks for all the replies. A lot to consider. It's reassuring to hear some of you say the 'other guy' theory doesn't have much back up. It's quite possible I am overthinking it in that respect.

I know what most of you are saying makes sense, I just hoped I was maybe being a bit unreasonable and jumping feet first into suggesting we split up. I won't ever not want children, we have nieces and nephews (on her side which I would then lose sad) that keep me going at the moment but the more time we spend with them the more I want to father my own. My girlfriend loves them to bits and is absolutely brilliant with them which is hard to comprehend when she doesn't want her own. I think I will need to suggest we chat under the nicest conditions to really get to the heart of it and what we both want in the long run. It's just so heartbreaking I've never imagined a future without her.

Somebody asked about my girlfriends divorce - she had been separated around 9 months by the time I met her. Still technically married at that point but divorce proceedings had began.

Lightofday Thu 21-Feb-19 18:05:49

Lol 'hard to comprehend why she doesn't want her own'...eh xD...let's be fair, having a niece n nephew you see sometimes is totally different to having your own kids 24/7. You can easily be a fun aunt and yet not want your own.

There's the stress of...growing your own to consider, the trauma of childbirth and potential subsequent health and mental health issues (eg: post natal depression ect) that may arise from it. And what of her career? Would she have to give that up?

...If it were u that had to do it, would you want to?

Kids don't just appear magically. And whilst you might be sure you will be a hands on dad, its still going to be her that has to breast feed it till her tits feel like they are on fire, lose her figure for it and be seen as a mother instead of an individual first by many of those around her, for evermore.

By all means, sit down and have a Congo with her. But please don't hit her with all that 'oh but you love your nefew so you"ll love your own so that means we should have them' claptrap lol.

Lightofday Thu 21-Feb-19 18:07:04

*convo. Though a Congo might get you further xD

Supergrassyknoll Thu 21-Feb-19 21:39:11

Loughers - '^*Don't listen to any theories from folk here - we don't know you or her.*^'

er? Do you actually understand the concept of Mumsnet 🙄

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