In laws, Intrest and Newborn

[Sunshinesun]

Throughout my preganancy we haven’t had much communication with the in-laws. They haven’t called to see how I’m doing, asked about scans, the baby and my health (I’ve really struggled this time round) offered to help with our 3 year old BUT all of a sudden with the new baby about to arrive they are showing an interest! Allot of interest... constantly calling and texting asking for updates and asking us to keep them informed. Weve never heard from them so much. I understand the extended family are excited but surly there’s more to having a baby then the baby actually arriving.
AIBU for thinking “you didn’t care for the past 9 months why all of a sudden are you Intrested now, too little too late”
They show no intrest in my 3 year old infact they show no intrest in our little family at all. Feeling like a “newborn grandchild incubator” at the moment 😢 and not sure how much information I should tell them. I’ve spoken to my husband and explained it upsets me that they show no intrest in our lives (even there own son) until a new baby is about to arrive and he understands but won’t say anything but it almost feels like the baby will arrive and then like what happened with my 3 year old, after 6 months the novelty will wear off and we won’t hear from them again!
Not sure what to do, perhaps I’m looking into all of this too much but fed up of being treated this way X

[braveasweare]

Sorry to hear you're feeling down, OP!

Have you considered talking to them about it yourself? Not necessarily a "this is really p*ssing me off!!!" but rather "we'd really love it if you were more involved with in DS and newborn DS/DD's lives, these early years are really important!"

I know somebody who has a Mother who doesn't get too involved as she had a MIL who was so over-bearing that she was worried she'd come across as if she was trying to take over etc. Maybe could be the case here?!

[CripsSandwiches]

I don't think everyone can get excited about scans and pregnancy and not all expectant mothers want a fuss. YANBU about it being annoying that they show little interest in their current grandson and yet are getting ott about the new baby.

Could you perhaps bring DS up when they call text. Suggest that he'd love to see them too.

[Sunshinesun]

Thank you for commenting.
I’m so worried about talking to them, I just don’t feel comfortable. In the past we’ve tried to talk to them about various bits and pieces (Like announcing the birth of our first child On Facebook despite asking them not too or posting hundreds of pictures) and it ends up in an argument and everything is turned round so they are the victims. I think that’s why my husband doesn’t say anything cause it’s not going to get us anywhere.

[braveasweare]

Oh no! That doesn't sound good.

If they are quite difficult and you feel uncomfortable, maybe them keeping their distance isn't the worst idea in the world. Yes it's definitely a shame for your DCs but as long as they maintain some sort of communication, your DCs shouldn't be too effected by it.

[Aprilshowersarecomingsoon]

Block them and let dh keep them updated. I had 3 dc with exh and his dm didn't have my mobile number
Better than them wanting dc all the time imo!!
Read some stuff on here op and you will be thanking your lucky stars I tell you!

[Sunshinesun]

We’ve tried to include them as much as possible with my other child. Asked them if they could baby sit but they just let us down, offer for them to take him out, we are always travelling to there house which is 2 hours away and they never come to ours so we’ve given up now. It’s really strange, my family are not like this and I struggle with why they behave like this.

[Sunshinesun]

My poor DH , it makes me sad for him. I just couldn’t ever treat my son like this! I hope one day I’m a nice MIL....I’m certainly learning how not to behave!

[BlueMerchant]

Keep them at arms length on the outskirts of your life. They aren't important. We all know the type. They like the excitement of a new baby but there's no real substance behind it. Want to have photos with the baby and take them out In the pram to show off and basically just be 'seen' to be a doting grandparent then after it's no longer 'new' they off with only a backwards glace at Christmas and Birthdays or the odd family gathering. Tell them when baby is born and that's all.

[Sunshinesun]

BlueMarchant I think you’ve just perfectly summed up exactly what it’s like in a paragraph! (Although we never get invited to the family gatherings).
My husband is treated so differently in comparison to his siblings (It’s horrible to watch) and I don’t want them to have an opportunity to treat my toddler different to the newborn.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I can see why you feel the way you do OP. They don’t sound very caring or like they’ve made very much effort so far with their GD.

Sounds like once the novelty as worn off they’ll revert back to the way they were.

[Aprilshowersarecomingsoon]

We lived ten mins from ils. They never bothered. We moved and mil has never been here. Fil once for 20 mins .
Really isn't your loss op. Dh will be too busy beaming at the new arrival to give zero hoots about them.
Dc don't need gps like them.

[Sunshinesun]

Yes GreatDuckCookery I think your right. My son has had quite allot of health issues and it hasn’t been easy and they haven’t bothered at all.

Do I tell them I’ve gone into labour or tell them the baby has arrived?
Already dreading the post delivery visit!!

[Aprilshowersarecomingsoon]

Tell them after your 6 week check.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

You tell them when you’re ready OP and if you’re not up for a visit then they have to wait. In light of what you’ve said about them I would be inclined to get the birth out of the way and have a good few days resting at home before you tell them.

[diddl]

Is your husband an only son who hasn't done exactly what they planned for him???

My husband is an only child & our children the only GC.

You'd think that with the scant amount of interest paid there was a wealth of others taking up all their time!!

Tell them about the baby when you want.

Definitely after the birth I would say.

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

Some cant do right for doing wrong .

Some people just are 'distant' and you shouldnt be judging them by your own family standards., becuse if they were all over you like a rash all the time, you'd be making threads about how they interfere, or phone constantly - and you'd be told you had DH problem because he cant set boundaries.

Many a DIL on these forums complaining about overinvolvement

Are they being abusive ? no
Are they giving you your own space? yes

We don't know you, perhaps its the vibe you give off.

Why cant you ask her/them to be more involved if thats what you want ?

[DishingOutDone]

By the sounds of it OP you've dodged a bullet there, not the sort of people you'd want to be involved with anyway. Sit down with DH and agree you don't tell them till after the baby is born they they visit when they are invited to your house and behave respectfully. Like normal people do [hmm}

[DishingOutDone]

fail

[Mummyoflittledragon]

PlainSpeaking
Have you actually read the ops comments at all of making up fairy tales?

Are they being abusive? no
Um yes, they’re using classic deflection by turning themselves into victims. They go against ops wishes announcing the birth of her and dhs child and post pictures of her child online, which is illegal. They also simultaneously ignore the child.

Why cant you ask her/them to be more involved if that’s what you want ?
Um think op tried that as well.

I wouldn’t be in a rush to tell them anything. Just wondering why they’re interested in your baby. Is it a girl by any chance? Just you say they ignore their male son and gs.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

First sentence should say OR not of