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AIBU?

to ask if you'd let 16yr old DD go away for 3 nights

126 replies

pollywolfff · 21/02/2019 10:45

Dd turns 16 next month and wants to go to Brighton with a friend for 3 nights to celebrate. She has a history of anorexia and suicide attempts that happened last year. Legally, she can move out so is a few nights away harmless? Would you trust your DD to do this?

OP posts:

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Bobbycat121 · 21/02/2019 10:47

I lived alone at 16 as my mum kicked me out. I think a 16 year old is old enough yes.

PalmTree101 · 21/02/2019 10:47

Mmmmmm my gut instinct is probably not. Who is she going with? What does she want to do?

pollywolfff · 21/02/2019 10:47

also, would you pay for her trains there and back?

OP posts:

PalmTree101 · 21/02/2019 10:48

Although at 17 I went away for 2 nights to Birmingham with a group of friends and stayed in a hotel. We went to pizza express, went shopping and then went clubbing. It was pretty harmless.

pollywolfff · 21/02/2019 10:48

PalmTree - shes going with her best friend and another friend, and then meeting their friend who lives in brighton there for a 'sleepover type thing'

OP posts:

Mmmmbrekkie · 21/02/2019 10:49

It would depend on

The friend
Where staying
How her recovery is going

It would very likely be a no. But a promise if that she continues well with her recovery, I would pay for her to go or three nights (transport and accommodation next year)

MessyMummy15 · 21/02/2019 10:49

Hmmmm no adults?
I would probably say no due to her history. There is a probability of drink and/or drugs if it's a group of friends her own age.
Comes down to if you believe her to be responsible.
I went away at that age with friends but also their older sister who my mum spoke to and kept an eye on us...

chaoscategorised · 21/02/2019 10:51

While you must be worried sick about her mental health, getting away for a few days with her friends will be good for her. As you said, she could legally move out - she has to be given the tools to navigate the world (literally and figuratively). Make sure she knows how to get hold of you and how to get home and that she either has cash or access to an emergency fund for topping up her phone/getting a taxi/a train, and let her have a taste of why it's so good to be alive - getting out there, exploring new places with her friends, enjoying herself.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 21/02/2019 10:52

She’s practically an adult so there isn’t really any issue I understand your concern though with the anorexia and suicide attempts (how recent was this?) maybe let her go but insist she texts you when she gets there and once a day from then on. But to avoid insulting her do a “your silly old mum just worries so much” routine. Hope you came to a resolution

pollywolfff · 21/02/2019 10:52

I am almost certain she would not drink due to the calories in it since shes absolutely terrified of liquid calories. She has promised to eat regularly and well.

OP posts:

Mmmmbrekkie · 21/02/2019 10:54

At 16 the “law” was utterly irrelevant to my parents very involved and loving and sticky parenting.

I didn’t work. I went to school. I didn’t drive. They provided my home, food, transport, allowance, holidays - everything.

It’s baffling to me the mentality “well legally she can move out etc etc”.

Mmmmbrekkie · 21/02/2019 10:54

Sticky should read strict

NicoAndTheNiners · 21/02/2019 10:55

It would depend how stable I thought she currently is.

Suicide attempts aside is she normally sensible and trustworthy?(I'm not saying people who are depressed aren't sensible, sorry if it reads that way).

Is her friend sensible?

What are they planning to do/likely to do? Shopping and coffee shops or trying to go clubbing?

My 17yo is off to Paris with a friend for 3 nights in July. They will go round museums and art galleries and drink tea. I've paid for trains and the hotel.

Mmmmbrekkie · 21/02/2019 10:56

I don’t see 16 as an adult

At 16 I was, and my children will likely be, still very much dependent on parents for, well, everything!

And the OP’s child is one with very serious and recent physical and mental health issues

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 21/02/2019 10:59

"Legally" means nothing as far as good parenting is concerned.

daisypond · 21/02/2019 10:59

I would say yes, if you know the friends and consider them sensible enough.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 21/02/2019 11:00

Sorry, didn't mean that comment as an answer to the OP. But the attitude of 'I was kicked out of home at 16 so yes' doesn't relate at all to what good parents would do so is irrelevant really.

Frenchmom · 21/02/2019 11:03

My just turned 16 year old went to London for 3 nights in October with her friend. They stayed in a hotel and had no problems.
She has no problems with anorexia or anything. I may have been less happy in that situation.

Frenchmom · 21/02/2019 11:05

Oh, by the way, we actually live in France, though her brother is in London and we have friends there.

Bobbycat121 · 21/02/2019 11:07

Well I managed living alone in a flat on my own at 16 so im sure a 16 year old can be trusted for 3 days. Although I do find MN ridiculously overprotective when it comes to these kind of things anyway, and most dont leave their children alone until they are 18 😂 Which is why there are so many adults who need their arses wiping 😂

TwitterQueen1 · 21/02/2019 11:10

Yes, let her go and tell her you hope she has a fab time. She won't improve her self-reliance or self-esteem or trust issues if you don't demonstrate confidence in her. If she feels she can cope with this then you have to as well.

As long as she knows she can call you any time and you will come and collect her.

pilates · 21/02/2019 11:11

How is her recovery going?
Is she in a good place mentally?
Are they caring friends to your daughter and would they contact you if any problems?

I’m presuming they will be staying at her friends parents house, so subject to the above, yes I think I would be ok with it.

NutElla5x · 21/02/2019 11:14

I would worry for sure but I would let her go. I'm sorry for the things you and your daughter have been through op but why do you think it's relevant to add this info to your post?

crimsonlake · 21/02/2019 11:15

So she is 15 years at the moment and will have just turned 16 years. You know your daughter so only you can decide. As far as paying her fares I think that is a really odd question unless she has lots of money of her own which I imagine she wont.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/02/2019 11:15

My daughters have done lots of festivals and travelling at a young age. But it depends on the individual. DD1 is a coper, DD2 is more flakey. I would have been more concerned as to who DD2 was with.

There’s no right or wrong way to play this if your girl has issues. Trust your own gut instincts.

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