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Am I too demanding

(188 Posts)
Cozynightin Wed 20-Feb-19 20:30:24

Boyf of six months . We meet once/ twice a week . We live near eachother . I would like more but he wants to take things slow . He is going away for the weekend on Friday . We met last night, Tuesday. I will not see him until next Tuesday as he said he won’t be recovered until then . Is this good enough or am I too demanding ? We are in our early thirties . He is home alone tonight and tomorrow night relaxing and will do the same
Next Sunday and Monday . Should I be concerned that he isn’t really into me ?

Belenus Wed 06-Mar-19 18:24:08

I want to marry and have kids but how long would that take to happen ??!

I really wouldn't wait to find out. Before you know it you'll be nearly 40 and it will be very difficult to start again with someone else. End it. He won't change.

Patienceisvirtuous Wed 06-Mar-19 17:38:47

Cozy, I had to start all over again at 35. Managed to meet someone, get married st 38, had my son at 39 so you do have time.

Cozynightin Wed 06-Mar-19 12:17:54

Yeah I want to marry and have kids but how long would that take to happen ??! No I haven’t posted on this before . I spent lots of time with him over Xmas , but only when he had nothing more interesting going on it transpires . He is a conundrum . Amazing when together but not together a whole amount

WhyTho Wed 06-Mar-19 02:32:27

Meh, dump him.

Neither of you are wrong, just seem to be incompatible.

Dating in your 30s is pretty much “we doing this or not? I got shit to do”.

whywhywhy6 Wed 06-Mar-19 02:27:49

YANBU.

AlexaAmbidextra Tue 05-Mar-19 23:39:14

OP. Are you the poster who posted over Christmas in a similar situation, disappointed that her boyfriend said he could see her for an hour or so on Christmas Day but would be spending it with his family. He had a close female friend too. Was that you?

Cozynightin Tue 05-Mar-19 21:34:29

Thank you . No he isnt married. I’ve met his family and friends on a number of occasions . I don’t think he’s hiding anything except having a female friend in an ivory tower and gushing about her personality but there is no physical thing happening . Only friends from work . He spends his down time playing sport, watching films, boozing with his mates or with his family .

Patienceisvirtuous Tue 05-Mar-19 17:34:17

He’s showing you who he is and that isn’t someone who prioritises you. Don’t waste any more of your time on him.

If you want a family in future, your 30s isn’t the time to be messing around with wasters...

LunafortJest Tue 05-Mar-19 17:11:07

Firstly no you are not demanding in the slightest, you sound like a normal person who (thinks) she is in a relationship. However it doesn't sound like you spend anywhere near enough time with this man to even know if he is married or not. How would you know he isn't? You barely even know this man, you don't even really spend any time together. Even if he isn't married, he is definitely in a relationship with another person at the same time as you. That is most definitely for sure. It is as obvious as the year is 2019. The behaviour you describe is not normal for a male that age. His interest in sex wanes because he gets it elsewhere. Add the weekends away 'with the guys'. I sense his other half has been at him for spending so much time away so that would be why he hasn't seen you for 8 days. And then 7 days previous to that. I feel for you, I have been in a similar situation. But you do not have a boyfriend or a relationship. You are the OW while not meaning to be. I have seen this so so sooooo many times before I'd be richer than the Kardashians if I had a dollar for each and every time. He is playing you. You do not have a relationship except as the ow, unfortunately. End it now before you get too deeply invested. Or before you find an angry wife/girlfriend on your doorstep.

purplepears Tue 05-Mar-19 14:09:36

I think you'll only know his true feelings if you end the relationship and give him your reasons why. Your real reasons and true feelings. Then walk away.
If he really wants you he will do all in his power to get you back. And change his ways to make you both happy.....not just him.

AnxiousAspie Tue 05-Mar-19 13:48:14

You know what OP, I am sat here wishing I could go back in time and give myself a slap to wake myself up. I thought I could fix it, that it would get better, he'd stop needing so much time, but no, he will not change. It's been 4 days since I told hi I wasn't putting up with it any more and I feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm not waiting for a text, not waiting to make our next plans and not changing my life around to fit him in.

I'm better than that and he doesn't deserve me. You need to think the same way.

ToeDust Tue 05-Mar-19 13:41:46

when we are together I have his full attention It can't be that hard to fake it for all of 3 hours a week...

Regardless of what he says he wants in the future, what are you actually getting out of it now? Absolutely nothing but anxiety. This relationship is doing you no good, he is taking you for a mug - and you're allowing it! You need to stop giving him headspace because he's clearly not giving you any. I'm sorry to come across blunt op but seriously you can do so much better. No relationship is worth this much angst. Pick yourself up and move on to better things.

Cozynightin Tue 05-Mar-19 13:38:51

Early thirties. Me younger boys couple of years . Both same nationalities, both live very near eachother and both drive .he has been honest from the outset about his needs in a relationship but I felt that his interest in spending
Time with me would increase and it has, but it’s still remaining slow

purplepears Tue 05-Mar-19 12:58:36

How old are you both? And are you the same nationality?

Mitzimaybe Tue 05-Mar-19 12:54:04

OP he has you at his beck and call. He can pick you up and put you down again when he gets tired of the ideal man act needs his space. If he really cared for you then there would be a compromise - e.g. he wants to see you one or two days a week, you want to see him 6 or 7 days a week, so you compromise on 4. But no, it's all about what HE wants. What you want is irrelevant to him. That shows you how little he actually, genuinely, cares about you.

I'm not sure you are totally seeing this yet.

Cozynightin Tue 05-Mar-19 12:08:20

Really don’t think he is seeing anyone . He isn’t a player and hardly is interested in sex With me not to mention another woman . Think he might be over invested in a friend if his though, sadly

Ginseng1 Tue 05-Mar-19 11:40:31

You are not compatible. Sounds like he puts everything & everyone before you & 6 months in this is a bad sign. And then he is putting on the act the couple times a week you are together? I'd say he seeing other people still but even if he isn't he just isn't that in to you.

Cozynightin Tue 05-Mar-19 11:28:53

Sorry just reread your post . Thanks for response . Sometimes I wonder if he is into another woman but I don’t know where he’d get time for that ! He has a case of mentionitis at the moment about a colleague but she’s unavailable so I doubt it all things being equal

Cozynightin Tue 05-Mar-19 11:26:46

Did he marry you?

andypudding Tue 05-Mar-19 11:24:02

Well in my situation, he did go on and get married and have a baby. However he picked a job that takes him away months at a time so he's barely around. He once said to me that he could never spend time with someone 24/7, while in the same breath saying how he'd love to be married. I thought 'well how the fuck does that work?'
Married people generally do spend a lot of time together. He figured out a way!

Cozynightin Tue 05-Mar-19 11:09:35

Thanks for your messages . I know it sounds weird but for those of you who have been in a relationship like this, you’ll know how convincing and loving and kind these men are. When he is with me, I feel adores and from a pp I can see that it is not me he doesn’t want, it is his space that he wants more, i think . Maybe i am delusional but he really wants a future , but how would a future pan out if he needs so much space? It is like he is afraid of leaving his family and branching out on his own despite being completely independently financially from them. They are unusually close . Can it ever work or do you have to have the same needs for contact and for space ? How do men like this even come to a place where they want to live with you ?? I feel stuck between a man who prefers space to me and feeling cherished when we are together . It’s weird

andypudding Tue 05-Mar-19 11:04:42

I had a boyfriend like this years ago op. He wasn't married, but it turned out he was certainly still dating other people. He was social, always doing something - other than spending time with me. I felt like I got the scraps. Then I found out he was dating numerous people and just a giant liar, and it all made sense.

Slippiepippie Tue 05-Mar-19 11:00:00

Weird. When me and DP were together six months we were glued to eachother by that stage. Totally in love and with eachother everyday and night.

I would think he might have something to hide or hes not 100% interested?

AnxiousAspie Tue 05-Mar-19 10:40:29

Trust me; bin him. I ended it on Friday after 8 months of this and I am so relieved. At first I was very upset but after exchanging belongings yesterday and seeing him for who he really is, I feel so much better. I think I was mourning the loss of what could have been, rather than what it actually was. Like you, I was crazy about him and he said all the right things, but he would want space and to be left alone. He isn't worth me and this one isn't worth you.

BringMeTea Tue 05-Mar-19 10:08:06

Throw this one back OP. You are on to a hiding to nothing. He's not 'the one'. Move on.

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